Heard a good one lately?

[RustySlinky]

http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2004/05/18/image618059l.jpg
Link: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/03/17/national/main681142.shtml

[Clarsax]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting or changing one letter, then supplying a new definition.
===================
Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web .

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

[kymom5613]

:rollin:

[Selena]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven’t even swept together!"

[kymom5613]

groan....

hee hee hee

[Selena]

Really bad one and two liners .... :rolleyes:

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottwieler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What!” Cries the man, “Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't – we had to cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? …. A fsh.

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

[Lord Loser]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing? she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh, kill any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[trinamick]

:lol

[Selena]

A young couple left the reception and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the groom removed his socks his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes are all mangled and weird"
"I had Tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean Polio don’t you?" She replied.
"No Tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The groom then took off his trousers. His bride once again was puzzled and asked, "What happened to your knees, they're all lumpy & deformed!"
"As a child I also had Kneasles," he explained.
"Don’t you mean Measles?" She asked.
"No, Kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride looked skeptical for a moment but accepted his answer. As the husband removed his underwear she remarked.
"Don't tell me, let me guess......Smallcox?"

[fiona-maria]

Someone else already posted the guide to inner peace....

F

[Coinean Crichton]

After 75 years of marital bliss, an elderly couple is asked what the secret to their successful marriage was.
The old man smiled and began to tell a story….
“On our honeymoon, I took the wife to the Grand Canyon. We decided to ride the mules down the side of the mountain to the bottom of the canyon. We hadn’t gone far, and her mule stumbled. I heard her say, “That’s once….” And we continued to ride on. A short time later, the mule stumbled again, my new bride said, “That’s twice….” Within another ten minutes or so, the mule stumbled once again. My lovely bride pulled a .38 from her purse and shot the mule dead right there on the side of the mountain.
“I was shocked at what I had just seen!” the old man said. I looked over at her and said, “Are you Crazy? I can’t believe you would do something like that!”
She looked around at me and quietly said, “That’s once….”

[JadeScape]

Official Slap Your Co-Worker Day!!

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last
nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a flip about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their
mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially
announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

These are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same
day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns
slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a
stapler or a hole-puncher.

* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your
"assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your
stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the
irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break
out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of
and get to slapping.....and have a great day!!

[trinamick]

:lol

[Alexxia]

:woohoo: Tomorrow's gonna be a good day at work! Wait...oh, it's only a joke. Damn. Erm...disregard. :innocent:

[BrowderChick]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta.


The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.
The blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is partying and having a great time when one of
them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top,
she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road
and clutching the seat in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard, and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU
HAVE A DRIVER!"

[mgraylorn]

As a public service announcement, let me remind those of you in the Northern Hemisphere Mid latitudes that this is tornado season, and as we all know, tornadoes can cause considerable damage. A famous Meteorologist named Ted Fujita came up with a scale to rate tornadoes, based on the damage they caused. This is the scale:

F0 40-72mph Gale Tornado Light Damage
Some damage to chimneys; break branches off trees; push over shallow-rooted trees; damage sign boards.

F1 73-112mph Moderate Tornado Moderate Damage
The lower limit is the beginning of hurricane wind speed; peel surface off roofs; mobile homes pushed off foundations or overturned; moving autos pushed off the roads.

F2 113-157mph Significant Tornado Considerable damage
Roofs torn off frame houses; mobile homes demolished; boxcars pushed over; large trees snapped or uprooted; light-object missiles generated.

F3 158-206mph Severe Tornado Severe Damage
Roofs and some walls torn off well-constructed houses; trains overturned; most trees in forest uprooted; heavy cars lifted off the ground and thrown.

F4 207-260mph Devastating Tornado Devastating Damage
Well-constructed houses leveled; structures with weak foundations blown off some distance; cars thrown and large missiles generated.

F5 261-318mph Incredible Tornado Incredible Damage
Strong frame houses lifted off foundations and carried considerable distance to disintegrate; automobile-sized missiles fly through the air in excess of 100 meters (109 yds.); trees debarked; incredible phenomena will occur.


This is fine if you live in urban areas, but what about those who live in the plains, where there are not many buildings? How can you rate tornadoes then? Well someone has come up with a scale for rural areas:

MOOJITA SCALE

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORNE
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !

[CookieCat]

MOOJITA SCALE

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORNE
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !

:)
As someone who lives in an urban area within a rural state, I can appreciate this.

[zahncrelnik]

MOOJITA SCALE

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORNE
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !

:clap: .. :lol .. :rollin:

[kymom5613]

A friend of mine emailed me this today - I laughed - A LOT...

***Spew alert*** PUT DOWN THE DRINK!!!

Here is a story of "Marriage & Patience"

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
Nothing was held back. Well, almost nothing.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never
thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and
the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoe
box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he
should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
doilies and a stack of money totaling $250,000. Holy Moley! He asked her
about the contents. "When we were to be married," she started, "my
grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She
told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doily."

The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were inside the box! She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but.... what about
all this money? Where did it all come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the
money I made from selling the doilies. "

[zahncrelnik]

:rollin: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[kymom5613]

Just got this from Grandma - thought NYPinTA would LOVE it!!!

There is another one that was too big (KB-wise), so I couldn't upload it...It was funny too!!!

[kymom5613]

:bump:
I need some laughs, has anyone heard a funny lately??? Please share!!!

[NYPinTA]

:rollin: That's adorable!

[JadeScape]

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail
he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne,
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so
bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you
with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take
the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what
I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack
of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing
nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon
as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because
my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

[JadeScape]

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK
from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do

not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your
private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two
friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately
and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely
deleted from your system. Forward this virus warning immediately to
at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you
are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least
five friends. Then retry to send this on. I think I have five
friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar
anyway.....it never hurts to be safe.

[kymom5613]

ROFLMAO!!!!

(oh my, I can sort-of relate to that...Most women have some difficulty after giving birth...Those of you that have understand where I'm going with this!!! OUCH!!! Makes one NOT want to eat...Food makes poop, poop makes pain...)

[kymom5613]

Here's one I snurched from Scarlet Havoc over on the Dom...

A Mom's Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
***Ding ding!!! Rings a bell for me!!! LOL***

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing new shoes.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make *that noise*.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

[JadeScape]

:lol

some of those are so true...:)

[kymom5613]

Women's humor

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What
does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. _______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to
you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years
younger...Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
AND THE BEST ONE YET... A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

[zen]

This Stupid Spam du jour was in my bulk folder this morning"

AVOID PENILE ENLARGEMENT RIPOFFS!

(my dh said that was a good idea.}

HAVE THICKER HAIR...FREE SAMPLES

(I decided to pass on the free hair. )

_________________________________________________

[zahncrelnik]

:roflmao: :roflmao:

[JadeScape]

:lol

[zen]

Got another one this morning ,sub line ...

HORNY PILLS!


Now, just imagine the activity in your medicine cabinet...

[kymom5613]

"Hey there! Tylenol, stay away from the Advil! Don't EVEN go near the KY jelly!!! What is wrong with you meds! Zanax, pass yourself around and calm everyone else down, please!"

[JadeScape]

:lol

[JadeScape]

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I kept my mammogram appointment and I was met with,
"Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,

tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown.

Everything clearrrr?" and I'm thinking "Belinda . try decaf.

This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
seconds.

Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex.

We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square

glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,

"Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the

remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for
the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open

so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked
and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part

smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba

(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible.

"Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been

standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making

no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry!

The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me,

I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........

[zen]

lol!

[Lex]

muahhh

[Mrelia]

The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down
to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed
the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police waited
five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check
twice.

[zen]

lolololol!!!!!!!!

[Mrelia]

A few giggle-worthy vids.

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/slipofthetongue.wmv

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/pinky.wmv

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/monkeyvstiger.wmv

[Selena]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims,” Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one is the second oldest and he is Leroy."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the four eldest boys, all are named Leroy. Then she introduces the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replies, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a'runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Well, then I call them by their last names."

Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons why Golf Is Better Than S-e-x:
#10 - A below par performance is considered damn good.

# 9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

# 8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

# 7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

# 6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

# 5 - Three times a day is possible.

# 4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

# 3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

# 2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

and the # 1 - reason why Golf is better than Sex, if your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

[JadeScape]

A 97-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 97-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Clarsax]

An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Selena]

:eek:

[kymom5613]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

I've heard this one, but it was a Georgia State Trooper...I guess this is one of those universal ones that has been passed around and been fitted to whichever state in which its being told!

That being said, it's STILL hilarious! I've even told it to a few friends of mine who are on the Louisville Police Department...They found it amusing...(i.e. they didn't grab their guns & ticket books!!!)

[kymom5613]

I OWE MY MOTHER!!

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU!

Oldies but goodies...just HAD to share!!!
:)

[kymom5613]

And another one in (belated) honor of Mother's Day:

Answers given by elementary school age children to the following
questions.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine...
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

[JadeScape]

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any
happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children
will remember...
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's
go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day,
let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private
little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and
dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.

[trinamick]

:rollin:

[trinamick]

MOTHER IN LAW
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home."

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[BrowderChick]

:D

[trinamick]

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United
States, and said, "Once again, the earth has
Become wicked and overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before
me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few
good
humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the
Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard...
but no ark.

"Noah," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the
inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that
I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard
and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the
Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs
of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage
for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to
us,
but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As
well,
they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire
only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to
leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to
finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched
across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy
the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[kymom5613]

:rollin: :applaud: :roflmao: :spew:

[BrowderChick]

:lol

[kymom5613]

KNOW YOUR STATE'S (UNOFFICIAL) MOTTO

Alabama: Heck Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money Here)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unibomber, Right-wing Crazies, Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Your ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont:: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Will Be Men...Whenever They Can!

[BrowderChick]

BATH TUB TEST
|
| It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
| time to time. This little test should get you started.
|
| During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
| the Director which is the criteria that defines a
| patient to be institutionalized.
|
| "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we
| offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the
| patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
|
| Okay, here's your test:
| (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the
| bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)
|
| 1. Would you use the spoon?
|
| 2. Would you use the teacup?
|
| 3. Would you use the bucket?
|
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| *
| "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
| would choose the bucket since it is larger than the
| teacup or spoon."
|
| "No," answered the Director. "A normal person would
| pull the plug."
|
| So how did you do?

[BrowderChick]

There were three women competing in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
It was a fierce race with the brunette and the redhead exchanging the lead across the long stretch of water. As they stroked closer and closer to the shores of France, the blonde fell further behind.

Finally, the brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second. Everyone cheered and the two women congratulated each other on such a fine race. But the blonde swimmer was still nowhere to be seen.

Much, much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she agreed to speak to the eager press.

"Can you please tell us what caused you to finish so far behind the other racers in today's race?" the first reporter asked.

The blonde shook her head, then remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms!"

[trinamick]

:lol

[zahncrelnik]

Bricklayer's Accident Report ~

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in
the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true
story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....
------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation
and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new
six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,
which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks
into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot
to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally
impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of
the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were
two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and
was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell
out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me
enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again
lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty
barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

[zahncrelnik]

Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[kymom5613]

Oh my word...
I hate to admit it, but I laughed while reading this, as I could picture it all in my head.

eta: I meant the story about the bricklayer, not the flasher...though that was funny in quite a different way!!!

[ctheokas]

I gotta admit, I prefer the second of Zahncrelnik's jokes. The bricklayer was funny, but there's just something about Gertrude, Maude and Tilly that makes me laugh.

[Selena]

FOUND ON REAL HEADSTONES

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

******************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the
tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More

[Selena]

Z .... that story should have a hazard label on it! :spew: :roflmao:

[Milaya]

This is a true story:
I was watching Star Trek: First contact with my friend.In one scene were they are speaking of borg's, Lily said to the captain borg, sound swedish.(or something like that.I laugheh.My friend stared at me asking why.She couldn't think that borg sounded swdish evev if she can a little bit of the language.I said: think what's the name of out town in swedish.
Yeah, I think we live in the borg cube(Porvoo is Borgå)

[faustus]

I remember when we were walking out of seing that film. I saw there was a line on fans waiting to get in and I rased my voice a little and said " I can't belive they killed Cpt Pikard" and the looks I got from those people were priceless.

[zahncrelnik]

faustus, you're bad...

[faustus]

it was funny though. I enjoyed it

[JadeScape]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v480/JadeScape/Misc/croc.bmp

[crazy_chi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SOOOOOOOOOOOO true! :lol

[crazy_chi]

my turn! ok

I was at a job interview for an insurence company once, and the lady asked "were do you see yourseelf in 5 years?" I said "Celebrating the 5th year aniversary of you, asking me this question."

- Mitch Hedburg

mitch rocks :band:

[Angels_Gal]

here's one my best friend sent me :D

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and
takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but
why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[Angels_Gal]

My uncle has the worse sense of humor in the world :| his jokes are dry and are rather groan ful :S anyway. i'm not gonna spam the board so i'm gonna post everything in this thread.



about 4 months ago. we were sitting around the dinner table at my grandparents house eating dessert and my 12 year old cousin was watching 'Shrek' and my uncle walks up behind him and goes 'what are you watching?' my cousin said 'shrek' my uncle goes 'shrek??? is that like star shrek????'

during christmas me and my three cousins and uncle were downstairs watching 'The Nutcracker' on tv and at the same time me and one of my other cousins goes 'I love this song!' my uncle goes 'what's it called?' and I said 'the russian dance' and he goes 'well they MUSt be in a hurry if their russian :|'

recently, we were sitting around the dinner table again and my two cousins were discussing books they had to read for school and i had chimed in with 'have you guys read Crime and Punishment? by russian author fydor dostoevsky?? my uncle says 'he must have written it in a hurry if he were russian' :| *grumbles*

[Angels_Gal]

okay two in one posting again....


these are two my best friend sent me :)


One beautiful December evening, Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon when Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, lets play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time." Huan Cho begged.

"But I'd rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said "Ok, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Chon grabbed his guitar and they both sang....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, weeweechu a Merry Christmas, weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year."



*~*~*


The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, have set up their
tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his
faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn's in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumbass, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[Angels_Gal]

I'm sorry there are probably a lot pf people who have heard this one :| so forgive me if I post it again.

A company was looking for a new employee to hire, so they posted a sign outside their office that read “Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be computer knowledgeable, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer and do not discriminate.” A few days later a dog entered the office looking to apply for this job. He stared at the sign to indicate he wanted this job. The manager stared at him incredulously and said, “I’m sorry, we cannot hire you, you must be able to type.” The dog trots over to the computer and typed out a perfect sentence. The manager was clearly impressed with this but it was still clear that the dog wasn’t going to get this job. “I’m sorry we still can’t hire you, you must be computer knowledgeable.” The dog being as smart as he was showed him a bunch of different programs and even printed out a spread sheet. The manager was clearly impressed with this by now. The dog pointed to the spot on the sign where “equal opportunity was written. The manager said “I’m sorry we still can’t hire you, you must be bilingual.” The dog opened his mouth. “Meow.”

[Angels_Gal]

A friend sent me this one. best to read it in a cajun accent :)


"So my wife done had de children?"

"Yep. You done got a little boy and a little girl."

"What you done named the girl?"

"I done named her Denise."

"Denise. Dat's sweet. Dat's a lovely name. What you done named the boy?"

"I done called him DeNephew. "

[RustySlinky]

Overheard yesterday while riding public transit:

"Wal-Mart won't build any stores in Iraq 'cuz there are already too many Targets."

[Selena]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident that God is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, it tells me someone has stolen tent!"

[who45]

:lol

[Angels_Gal]

I love that joke!! I must hae told that one a million times!!

[Angels_Gal]

sorry I thought this was funny.

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in
a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed
that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates
of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw
them into a burning fire pit.
Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire,
Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's
curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and
tapped Satan on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in
line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why are you
tossing those souls aside instead of flinging them into the
fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are from Seattle ...
they're too wet to burn

[RustySlinky]

Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Associated Press

ELK GROVE, Calif. (AP) -- A 21-year-old man jailed for traffic offenses apparently liked his county-issued orange jumpsuit so much he smuggled it out when released from the Sacramento County Jail.

Paul Meeter was so enamored with the orange jumpsuit that he wore it around Elk Grove, police said. Alarmed residents began calling 911 Friday afternoon, sending Elk Grove police officers on a two-hour search.

Meeter reportedly told police that he smuggled the clothing out of the jail by wearing the items under his street clothes, Lt. Jeff Boyes said.

Meeter was returned to jail, Boyes said. He was arraigned Tuesday on charges of stealing jail property.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2005/06/22/jumpsuit22.DTL

[zen]

Rotf!!!!!!!! Thanx for posting, RS!

[zen]

A man, 91 married a 17 yr old. When interviewed by the local paper, the reporter asked about the couple's sex life. The old man said, "It's Great! Though with my arthritis, I need a little help. I have four grown sons. Two of the help me get on top. When its down. 4 take me off."
The reporter frowned and said, "You just need two to help you on , but four to help you off? Why?"
The old man said , "I fight 'em."

[scrape_medic]

:lol

[Selena]

A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the beach, he notices that some of the ladies have boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns a while later to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "ding dongs" than his dad. His mother replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returns again and tells his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks to her the dumber he gets."

[kymom5613]

ROFL!!!

[ConnieLyn]

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrestapproaches the Gatekeeper. St . Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot of nice things about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and now we must give a test, an entrance
exam, to everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter, sir, but nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was". St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions."
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?"
"Second: How many seconds are there in a year?"
"Third: What is God's first name?""
Forrest leaves to think about the questions. He returns the next day to St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think about the questions, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that
answer.
How about the next one, how many seconds in a year?" asks St. Peter. “Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd , March 2nd. " "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure I can," Forrest replied, "its Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter, "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song! "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[ConnieLyn]

Subject: Choking Hillybilly style

NEVER CHOKE IN A HILLBILLY RESTAURANT Two hillbillies walk into a bar.
While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and
shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt
cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a
violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to
breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner
says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't
never seed nobody do it!"

[ConnieLyn]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns
the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot
mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[JadeScape]

A man entered the bus with both of his front
pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next
to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and
his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such
glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at
him thoughtfully and finally, unable to contain
her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt
as much as tennis elbow?"

[Jim Reaper]

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

[RustySlinky]

Apologies for the inaccuracies, I'm going by memory here::)

-----

David Letterman: So tell me about Tom. [Cruise]

Katie Holmes: [giggles nervously]

David Letterman: He is a little older than you?

Audience: [Laughing]

Katie Holmes: Yeah . . .

David Letterman: But I, See I - I'm older than you too!

Audience: [Laughing louder]

Katie Holmes: But . . . [hesitates] You're a LOT older than me.

David Letterman: I . . . I am.

Katie Holmes: And You always were!!!

Audience::rollin::rollin::rollin::rollin:

Katie Holmes: [embarrassed]

Audience::wingnut::wingnut::wingnut::wingnut:

David Letterman: [Does the save, but still takes it home] And, and I Always Will Be !!!

[Clarsax]

You'll never see this in Hallmark




My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!




Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.




Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"




Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.





How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?




I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.




I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.





As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.




Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.





Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)




Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!




When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.




We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?




I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?





Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.




So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

[Mrelia]

OK, this is the punchline, do the following now:

1. Fill up your cheeks and release a puff of air.
2. Immediately pucker your lips and kiss the air in front of you.

Scroll down for the joke...



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How do you kiss a duck's butt?

[Selena]

When a husband and wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been locked inside. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As they watched from the passenger side, the wife instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," She announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he responded, "I know - I already got that side."

[freckle]

MOTHER IN LAW
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home."

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Alexxia]

:roflmao:

[freckle]

i had this sent to me today,i had to leave my desk i was laughing so hard
Subject: Sydney Radio

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.


The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "Yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person
is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of "Mate Match?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

[TheBladeRoden]

Is there an audio clip of this?

[freckle]

Ive no idea Blade, maybe on some 'it shouldnt happen to a dj' website somewhere im sure.Id love to hear it!

[ctheokas]

I think it's an urban legend, because we've heard about this one in the states. It's probably based on the Newlywed Game, where a woman actually did give that answer.

[scorponaleash]

Skeleton walks into a bar and says:
"Bartender, give me a pitcher of cold beer....
... and a mop."

[zahncrelnik]

Santa cancels Christmas:

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.

:santa:

[zahncrelnik]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home!
I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a
free lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've
won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we
didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
(Scroll down!!)









(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!! I PROMISE!)




























"W I N A B A G E L"

[zahncrelnik]

Three recently married men were discussing their new wifes.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he told
his wife she was going to wash all the dishes and do all of the house
cleaning at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and
put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he gave
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He said that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were
clean, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Oklahoma woman. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table. He said the first day he didn't
see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and
move the clothes from the washer to the drier.

Got to love those Oklahoma women.

[kymom5613]

OK, here's one that hubby's cousin told us last weekend:

Old couple lying in bed - hubby lets a bit 'o gas out & states "Seven points!"
Wife rolls eyes.
Hubby lets go with another one - this one quite loud - "Fourteen - nothing! I'm winning!!"
Wife is not to be outdone, so she lets fly "Fourteen - seven! Lookout!!"
Hubby grunts and groans and lets rip - soiling the sheets and states:
"Halftime, time to switch sides!"

[Zimtsternchen]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their own ass.
I thought the results were very interesting:
* 85% of women think their ass is too fat.
* 10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
* The other 5 % say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway.

[Mrelia]

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns
out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[scorponaleash]

An Illinois farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it
did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in
his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right
away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts AC of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[Zimtsternchen]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[jerseygirl]

This is a quantum physics joke.

Werner Heisenberg was driving along and got pulled over by a cop. The cop asked him, "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg answered, "no, but I know where I am."

I thought it was pretty funny, but I have a twisted sense of humor.

[zahncrelnik]

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather
had just passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while
we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding
and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still
be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

[SpeX]

A clown and a little boy are walking through the cemetary at midnight.
The little boy says,"Boy,this cemetary sure is spooky.I'm scared."
and the clown says,"You're scared?! I have to walk back alone!"

[Zimtsternchen]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's Right!!" said the husband, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

[Zimtsternchen]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

[Zimtsternchen]

This must be old...

Computer Tips
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

* Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2
(especially with the
old Pentium chip).
* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
* My software never has bugs; it just develops random
features.
* C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
* C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
* Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in
new ones.
* The name is Baud... James Baud.
* Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
* C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the
corner.
* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY...
* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file
name!"
* As a computer, I find your faith in technology
amusing.
* Backups? We don't need no stinking backups.
* E Pluribus Modem
* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C
(Y/N)?
* A computer's attention span is as long as its power
cord.
* 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
* All computers wait at the same speed.
* Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and
automate errors.
* Press to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to
continue...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Just do
something!!
* E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
* Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!!
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates,
1981
* DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
* Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press any key to continue or any other key to
quit...
* Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
* Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
* Read my chips: No new upgrades!
* Hit any user to continue.
* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
* I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
* Will the information superhighway have any rest
stops?
* Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit
* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then
programming must
be the process of putting them in.
* Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of
conversing with
inanimate objects.
* Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to
write, it should
be hard to understand."
* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
* Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS!
* Will configure ones and zeros for food!


DeleteReplyForwardSpamMove...

[Zimtsternchen]

An American businessman was at the pier of a small
coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American
complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, senor."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out
longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's
immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the
rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a
little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into
the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my
amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could
help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a
bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several
boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of
selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will
this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part.
When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a
small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little,
play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

[zahncrelnik]

Rumsfeld is reporting to the President and the Cabinet. He says,
"Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says, "Oh, my God!" as he buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet is stunned.

Then, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazilian?"

[kymom5613]

***some may find this offensive - please forgive me if I offend!!***

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies,

"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there
until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

[zahncrelnik]

Great joke, kymom!!



The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at the Yankees game, surrounded by Secret Service agents.
Before the game started, one of the agents whispers in the President's ear, and Mr. Clinton smiles and nods.
Then he grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing.
She falls 10 feet onto the field, cursing all the way before landing
in a heap in the dirt. The President raises his arms triumphantly and
gets high-fives from fans all around him and then the agent leans
over and whispers, "Uh, Mr. President, I said they
wanted you to throw out the 1st PITCH!

[Zimtsternchen]

While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

[kymom5613]

ROFLMAO!!! And I need to ask for spew alerts please...I almost knocked over my new flat screen (at work)!!! Plus, my coworkers are wondering what in the world I'm cackling about over here!!!
Thanks y'all!!!

[Zimtsternchen]

Taken from a 1962 Honda Motor Cycle Instruction Book.
Translated by Honda for the American Motorcycle Rider:

1. At the rise of the hand by Policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him by or otherwise disrespect him.

2. When a passenger of the foot, hooves in sight, tootel the horn trumpet melodiously at first. If he still obstacles your passage, tootel him with vigor and express by word of mouth, warning Hi, Hi.

3. Beware of the wandering horse that he shall not take fright as you pass him. Do not explode the exhaust box at him. Go soothingly by.

4. Give big space to the festive dog that makes sport in roadway. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

5. Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon. Press the brake foot as you roll around the corners, and save the collapse and tie up.

[ctheokas]

Jersey Girl


A girl from Jersey and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Jersey, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Jersey sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya from, bitch?"

[SpeX]

tootel him with vigor and express by word of mouth, warning Hi, Hi.

Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

:rollin:

[Selena]

Compliments of KYMom

A woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight, when her husband walked in. He stood, watching her for a while then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said,
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband smiled, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ass?"
To which she replied....."Your name never came up,"

[kymom5613]

courtesy of a friend here at UPS:

RETIRED HUSBAND AT WAL-MART



Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.





We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3 July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares....and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'



9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the” Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Zimtsternchen]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the
car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a
ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a
bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman
just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag? " asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said,
"It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment
or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
elder, she said: "Good trade."

[Selena]

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirl to OZ.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?" he roars!
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up steps George W. Bush sadly and says, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but not saying a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
Bill Clinton says, “Is Dorothy here?”

[ctheokas]

Go Bill!

A riddle:

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?




































You can't hear an enzyme!

Thank you very much! I'm here all week! Tip your waitress generously!

[Selena]

:dunno:

[woolhoss]

oh ctheokas, dear dear ctheokas.


I enjoyed it anyways.

[wa11z]

ctheokas is a comic god!!

[Zimtsternchen]

Sorry, I can't help it, but this reminds me of a really bad one.

Do you know the difference between a teabag and a tampon?


















No?





Well I am not going to have tea at your house anymore.

[ctheokas]

Zimtsternchen, that was brilliant! :roflmao:

As for my riddle, I can't take complete credit. A Mr. Kurt Vonnegut had that in one of his novels.

[wa11z]

Which one? I've read just about everything by him and I don't remember it.

[ctheokas]

We were talking about this at work. I think it's a post Slaughterhouse 5 novel, but I couldn't tell you which one. Of course, it could be one of his non-fiction books.

[ctheokas]

Not a joke, per se, but this is from OverheardInNewYork.com.

Very pregnant woman, standing on the subway, stares at a young guy who took that last seat.

Young guy: What do you want lady? I didn't get you that way!

Overheard at the Union Square station.

And NYC just got voted the most polite city in the world. Sigh.

[SpaceSlut]

A budhist walkes up to a hot dog stand and says "can you make me one with everything"

:)

[Zimtsternchen]

What's the difference between light and hard?


















You can sleep with a light on.

:innocent:

[SpeX]

What's the difference between pink and purple?
















Your grip.

[SpaceSlut]

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?








"NONE! THERE IS NO HONOR IN BEING AFRAID OF THE DARK"
/nerd

[ctheokas]

* Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw

it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


* Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


* Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


* Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


* Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


* Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area
?"


* Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.


* Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Zimtsternchen]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
" DANGIT DADDY....! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

[Zimtsternchen]

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.


Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."


She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."


With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

"Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I showed him who was boss! I disgraced his family! Three times!"

[Reiner]

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
....

"Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I showed him who was boss! I disgraced his family! Three times!"

:)

Hey, and what said your Grandma?

:D

[Boron]

I love to have my family disgraced.

[Selena]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to croak.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

[TheBladeRoden]

Ew-worthy!:lizard:

[woolhoss]

I heard one about orifices....

[ctheokas]

Let's hear it!

[woolhoss]

hahahaha honestly....I can't. Ask Wa11z though.

[Clarsax]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

[DRD 1812]

Ok, this one is a spoken one..but its too cute.


What's 5Q + 5Q....?








10Q!
Your welcome..

[Mrelia]

Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration...


Which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.

[kymom5613]

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.

At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!"

[kymom5613]

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.



He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."



The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite a while before the casts will come off!

[kymom5613]

Gambling Blonde


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared a each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ------------

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.