Heard a good one lately? [Archive]

Selena

07-16-2003, 04:10 PM

A New York socialite was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser, who responded,
"Rome! Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded; it’s dirty and full of sleazy Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"
“We're flying Alitalia," the woman replied. "We got a great discount through the internet."
“Alitalia!" exclaimed the hairdresser in disgust, “That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are unfriendly and they're always late and they loose your luggage more times than not. I’d never fly with them again. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"Well,” said the woman feeling slightly apprehensive, “we have a reservation at this exclusive little place on Rome's left bank called Teste..."
"Oh dear, don't go any further,” interjected the hairdresser, “I know that place, everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump! Has to be the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small and cramped, the service is dreadful and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican and we’re
hoping to see the Pope." She replied excitedly.
“Listen dear, forget it," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people try to see him every day. You’ll be lucky to get a glimpse of him from the square. Take your binoculars because he’ll look the size of an ant. Listen honey, good luck on having a good time on this trip!”
One month later, the woman again came in for her usual hairdo appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"Oh it was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Alitalia's brand new planes, but coach was overbooked and so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome steward who waited on us hand and foot the entire trip. And the hotel was just great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so the manager apologized and gave us his own suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I’ll bet you were disappointed about not getting to meet the Pope!"
"Actually, we were very lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if we'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and greeted us warmly! As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me." She beamed.
“Oh really,” said the hairdresser skeptically, “What'd he say?"
“He said … where did you get that terrible hairdo?"

Selena

07-16-2003, 08:10 PM

This is a true story.

When my Mother died a few years ago my sister flew across country to Perth to attend to the funeral arrangements and I had to stay behind in Melbourne as I had only just started a new job.
After the funeral my sister brought back my Mother's ashes which were in a small 8X6X3" box. It was my job to take her ashes up to Sydney to scatter them on her Mother's grave (to fulfill her dying wish).

It was a number of months after the actual funeral before I had the time off to drive the 850 miles up to Sydney, so I had the box of ashes in the trunk of my car. My Mother had always hated cars and detested being in them. I found over the months that she was resident in my trunk amusing and I reflected that she never complained about driving with me like she had when she was a back seat passenger :lol She would never sit in the front seat.

About 2 weeks before I was set to drive up to Sydney I was coming home from Uni (university) one night and a drunk driver ran a red light and smashed into the back of my car when I stopped to let a pedestrian cross at a crossing. My car was a mess and the insurance company declared it a write-off.

The tow-truck came to pick up the vehicle and as the guy was getting me to sign off on the pick-up I said,
"You need to open the trunk for me because my Mother is in there and I have to get her out."
The guy looked at me ... he looked at the smashed in trunk ... then back at me again. He shook his head and went to get a crowbar. He jemmied the trunk open. The look on his face was priceless as I retrieved the box and a few other items. I was sure he was expecting to see a dead body or at least one that was severely injured!

aodhamair

07-16-2003, 08:55 PM

This one is really lame, but I found it hilarious when I heard it the first time (no idea why!):

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

trubador

07-16-2003, 08:59 PM

This has to be said out loud in order to get it, but I'll see if it's possible to type it out with the same affect:

Ethel and George, a retired couple from Palm Beach, Florida, decided to visit their good friends Buffy and Hank (another retired couple) in Malibu, California. The Mailbu couple started getting concerned when their FL buddies didn't arrive on time. A few days later, the FL couple finally arrived in Malibu, tanned and smiling.

The Malibu couple asked them what happened... why were they delayed?

George: Well, this was our first time on the west coast, and we decided we couldn't resist going down into Tiggoo Anna, just to check it out.

The Mailbu couple were puzzled. Tiggoo Anna??? Then they figured it out.

Hank: OH! You mean Tijuana.

Ethel: Yeah, yeah! It's was marvelous. Then we decided to drive thru this charming little community called Eel Caging.

Once again, the Mailbu couple were confused. Eel Caging??? Then they figured it out.

Buffy: Oh, you mean El Cajon.

George: Yeah, yeah, that's it! Quaint little town. Then we drove up the coast and just fell in love with Lagola.

The Malibu couple were totally baffled at this point. Lagola??? Exasperated, they finally figured it out.

Hank: Oh, you mean La Jolla. You see, out here in California all the "J's" are pronounced like "H's". So, how long are you guys going to stay out here?

Ethel: Oh, I guess until Hune or Huly.

Selena

07-17-2003, 08:31 AM

:lol

Selena

07-17-2003, 08:35 AM

Three doctors and three nurses are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three doctors each buy tickets and watch as the three nurses buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" one doctor asks.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a nurse. They all board the train. The doctors take their respective seats but all three nurses cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!"

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The doctors saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the doctors decide to copy the nurses on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the nurses don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed doctor.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a nurse. When they board the train the three doctors cram into a restroom and the three nurses cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the nurses leaves the restroom and walks over to the restroom where the doctors are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please."

NebariNookiee

07-17-2003, 09:15 AM

A man wakes up with a serious hangover. He moans and groans for a moment, then asks his what happened last night.

She says "You got totally wasted and made a complete ass of yourself in front of your boss."

The man says "Well, piss on him!"

She says "You did. He fired you."

The man says, "Well, screw him!"

She says "I did. You go back to work on Monday."

PkTechSquirrel

07-17-2003, 12:09 PM

:rollin:

Selena

07-17-2003, 12:16 PM

Okay I just have to share this one for all the animal lovers out there who are struggling with training issues ...

Peter’s Uncle Archibald was a recluse and known as an eccentric. When he died Peter was extremely surprised to find that he was summoned to the reading of the will. His Uncle had left him a parrot.

The parrot was foul mouthed and constantly cranky. Every word was an expletive and those that weren’t, were very rude. Peter tried for a number of weeks to modify the bird’s behavior without success. He treated the bird kindly but the bird swore at him. He talked nicely to it but it screamed abuse at him in response. One day in an act of desperation he shouted at the bird but it shouted back at him. He even resorted to giving the bird a little shake but the bird squawked a barrage of profanity.

Finally in a fit of desperation Peter grabbed the bird and put it in the freezer and slammed the door shut. There was a terrible commotion that went on for a number of minutes as the bird screamed at Peter from inside the freezer. Then there was silence. The silence stretched into a number of minutes and Peter was afraid he’d hurt the parrot.

He opened the freezer door gingerly and the parrot stepped calmly onto his outstretched hand.
“It appears that my behavior may have caused offense,” The parrot said calmly, “I deeply regret my former behavior and wish to apologize for my rudeness. I assure you that I will never give you cause for concern again. Please accept my humble apologies.”
Peter was stunned speechless by the bird’s changed attitude. He was just about to say something when the parrot continued …
“Might I enquire what the chicken did?”

Selena

07-24-2003, 06:20 AM

A man is sitting reading his newspaper at the breakfast table when his wife walks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper I found in your shirt pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it" she shouts.
"Don't be silly " he replies "When I went to the races yesterday Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".
His wife seems satisfied with this and apologizes.
Three days later he's sitting in his chair reading the paper again when she clocks him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he finally comes around he says "What the hell was that for?"
His wife says, "Your horse phoned a few minutes ago."

generic_screenname

07-24-2003, 02:36 PM

An old man was sitting on his front porch with no pants on. His neighbor walked by and saw him. He asked "Why are you sitting out here with no pants?"

The old man replied, "Well, yesterday I sat out here all day with no shirt on and I got a stiff back. This was my wife's idea."

Selena

07-28-2003, 09:52 AM

:fish:Fishing:fish::fishing:
Four married men are out fishing one week-end. After an hour, the following conversation took place:-
First man: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second man: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third man: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue fishing for a little while when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So one of them says, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth man: "Well, I set my alarm for 5:00 am. When it went off, I turned off my alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, "Sex or fishing?" she rolled over and said, "Wear a sweater dear, I hear it’s going to be chilly out there."

zap

07-28-2003, 10:10 AM

Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of fast food leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM could severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Selena

07-28-2003, 11:57 AM

:rollin: zapgun ... I can account for all 25! :lol

zap

07-28-2003, 11:58 AM

sadly, me too

VBKatLou

07-29-2003, 10:17 AM

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: - But, madam, computers do not have
curtains....
And the blonde said: - Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW - I just got off a two-hour conference call from hell. I hadn't looked at this thread for awhile and it restored my sense of humor. :)

zapgun - I'm pretty old, but there were one or two things on the list that don't apply to me yet. :rollin: I can still eat cold pizza and cake for breakfast. :rollin:

Selena

07-29-2003, 10:32 AM

Lawyer joke time ...

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a man down on his hands and knees eating grass. He told the driver to stop and got out.
"Why are you eating grass?" He asked the man.
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford to buy food."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The man then said, "But I have a wife and two kids." The lawyer tells him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "No problem. You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall." :shutup:

Selena

07-29-2003, 10:38 AM

And of course for the crafters in our midst we can't forget dear Martha ... :rollin:

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Selena

07-29-2003, 10:44 AM

VBKatLou I loved your blonde joke ... :roflmao: so I'll submit a nurse one ...

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.

Kurt_eh

07-29-2003, 03:23 PM

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young
lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a
bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear
and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to
entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a
bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear,
and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has
asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have
nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most
experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's
not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her
over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she
screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she
can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like
this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the
bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said
yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to
find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry.
Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house
and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle,
drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian
currency?"

Selena

07-29-2003, 04:25 PM

Just as well you're a Canuck Kurt_eh :rollin:

An Amish family are in a big city for the first time. Seth and his son Adam aged 12, are fascinated with all the marvels they are seeing. In a huge shopping Mall Adam is looking at the toy display while his Mother, Martha is shopping nearby in one of the stores.
Near the toy store is a contraption with a pair of large silver doors and a sign above it with numbers on it. This has Seth completely fascinated and intrigued.
As he watches he notices an elderly lady with a bad limp, leaning heavily on a cane, walk to the doors which open. She hobbles inside and the silver doors close. The numbers on the sign go up to 5 then gradually back down to 1. When the doors open again a beautiful young woman steps out and hurries away.
“Adam,” Seth says breathlessly to his son, “Be quick, and go fetch your Mother.”

ichinen

07-29-2003, 04:33 PM

What do making love in a canoe and American beers have in common?

There both f-ing close to water

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

Selena

07-30-2003, 12:06 PM

Time for a joke of the day moment ...
this is not really a joke but a riddle ...

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

:innocent:

:innocent:

:innocent:

:innocent:

:innocent:

A: You use four skin-divers ... :lol

... foreskin divers!

generic_screenname

07-30-2003, 12:09 PM

That's almost as bad as "how do you make pickled bread?"

Selena

07-30-2003, 12:10 PM

And a little humor for the animal lovers amongst us ...

A frog goes into a local bank and hops up into a chair at the desk of Patty Black, the new loan officer.
"Good morning Mr. Frog, what can I do for you?" She asks pleasantly.
The frog answers, "I'm here to apply for a loan."
Miss Black knows the frog is not eligible for a loan but decides to humor him anyway. "Very well, let's fill out the papers. Your name?"
"Mr. Frog."
"Mr. Frog, in order to obtain a loan, you must have collateral."
The frog reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out a tiny cup and a tiny saucer. "Here you are. Take these to your supervisor, and I'm sure he will OK the loan."
Miss Black goes into her supervisor's office and says, "There's a frog at my desk asking for a loan, and he handed me this for collateral. What is it anyway?"
The supervisor says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

Selena

07-30-2003, 07:34 PM

Still with the animal theme I just had to post this one ... sent to me by my son in Perth Western Australia

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to regs.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach the stupid light!

Rottweiler: Make me!

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!! PLeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Newfoundland: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

French Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he'll do it for me. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Irish Setter: Huh?

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb!

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this really bad hangover...

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right up there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Kelpie: First, I'll get all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheepdog: Light globe? I'm sorry, but I don't see any light bulb.

Hound Dog: :zzz:

German Shepard: I'll guard the door and watch the house while my master changes the light bulb.

:kitty:The Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs!

So the question is, just how long will it be before I can expect light?

Selena

07-31-2003, 12:13 PM

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into that movie. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts and I even saw him flinch in the scary parts. But most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny bits. Did you find that unusual?"

"Oh yes," she replied, "It was very unusual... because he hated the book!"

Selena

07-31-2003, 12:28 PM

It's tough being a dog ... there are so many expectations!

Things Dogs Must Try To Learn To Remember

. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff

. Do not suddenly stand straight up when lying under the coffee table

. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge

. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house

. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it

. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up

. Do not throw up in the car

. Do not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

. I will not lick my human's face after eating poop or drinking out of the toilet

. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food

. I will not eat socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing

. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar

. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up against her bottom end

. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them

. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging

. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside

. We do not have a doorbell so I will not bark each time I hear one on TV

. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it

. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps

. My head does not belong in the refrigerator or the oven

. I will not attempt to bite the police officer's hand when he reaches into the car for Mom or Dad's driver's license and car registration

Selena

08-04-2003, 12:16 PM

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "...ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It was a four week old puppy."
"Liar!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Johnsgirl727

08-04-2003, 12:21 PM

:rollin::rollin::rollin:

Selena

08-04-2003, 12:22 PM

There's a glass of milk next to the computer keyboard ....

Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.

Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

CIA: What makes you think that's milk?

Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Feminist: How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?

Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.

Idealist: In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy.

IRS: Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

Mac users: Where's my pump?

MIS: I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Multimedia author: <slurp!>

National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!

Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.

NSA: We know what it really is.

Paranoid: Here is a glass just sitting here. Why? Who put it here? WHY WHY WHY!!! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?

Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Schroedinger: That stupid cat got into the milk again!

Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go?

Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?

UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.

Windows users: Where's my straw?

VBKatLou

08-04-2003, 03:00 PM

Originally posted by generic_screenname
That's almost as bad as "how do you make pickled bread?"

So how do you?

samati75

08-05-2003, 12:05 PM

Originally posted by VBKatLou
So how do you?

Dill dough. Bah dum dum.

Selena

08-05-2003, 12:11 PM

Ever had a situation where you wished you could just send a card? It seems there are some situations in life that one just can't find card for. These were sent to me by Chaym.

Situations Hallmark Cards don't seem to cover:

1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ... (inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry .. (inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost life-like!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.(inside card) . Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).

14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?

generic_screenname

08-05-2003, 12:22 PM

Those are great! I got the same ones in an email last year. I love "Uncle Dad."

I passed your "timid little man and his dog" joke to my friends yesterday. Good Stuff!

Selena

08-05-2003, 12:24 PM

I was a bit concerned about posting that as it might upset people from the mentioned states ...

Selena

08-05-2003, 05:09 PM

:lol This thought for the day was sent to me by Chaym ...

Life isn't like a box of chocolates.........
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Lord Loser

08-05-2003, 05:47 PM

On a little more off colour note...

What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with dihareah?

The epileptic shucks between fits...

(think about it...) :loser:

Lord Loser

08-05-2003, 06:03 PM

A teenage boy has just asked the hottest girl in school out on a date and she said yes. Sooooo, thinking like most boys of that age he goes into the pharmacy and decides to purchase some condoms.

He goes up to the pharmacist and sheepishly asks, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy some condoms."

"Ohhhhh, Hot date tonight, eh son. Do you need the three pack, six pack, or twelve pack." The pharmacist replies.

"Well, she's pretty hot... Better make it the twelve pack." the teenager says, now brimming with more confidence.

"OHHHHH, HOT DATE tonight." The pharmacist replies and sells him the condoms.

Later that night the boy goes over to the girls house and she meets him at the front door. "My mom cooked us dinner, and she wants you to eat with the family." the girl tells him. As funds are tight, the boy thinks to himself, "Great, save a few bucks."

As they sit around the table the girls mother looks at the boy and asks if he will say the blessing over the food. The teenager quickly accepts and starts praying. He prays and he prays. He prays and he prays, and he prays. Fifteen minutes, still praying. Twenty minutes, still praying. Finally after a half an hour he finally finishes up. They all finish their dinner and as the boy and his date are leaving for the movies, the girl says, "I had no idea you were so religious."

To which the boy replied, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist." :loser:

VBKatLou

08-06-2003, 05:10 AM

Originally posted by samati75
Dill dough. Bah dum dum.

Ah.............

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work = Power * Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

Work = Knowledge * Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work/Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

generic_screenname

08-06-2003, 06:46 AM

Originally posted by VBKatLou
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
well THAT expalins Bonnie Hammer.

Selena

08-06-2003, 06:58 AM

:rollin: you are wicked GS ... very funny but wicked :lol

Selena

08-07-2003, 12:06 PM

Okay you slackers ... don't any of you hear good jokes? How sad is that???

__________________________________________________

Movie Stars Answering Machines

CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away.
You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six.
Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"

BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."

JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you STUPID IDIOT!!!"

G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event, I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said."

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly known as 'BEEP!'"
________________________________________________

samati75

08-07-2003, 01:34 PM

One day Pierre went to Boudreaux's house and Boudreaux was working on a jigsaw puzzle.
A year later, Pierre again visits Boudreaux and Boudreaux is still working on the puzzle.

Another year after that, Pierre went to Boudreaux's to go fishing with him.

Boudreaux comes out of the house and says "Mais Pierre, I'm so proud of myself, I finally finished dat puzzle and it only took me two years!"

Pierre says "Mais, Boudreaux, I don't tink dat it should take you dat long!"

Boudreaux says "Mais, Pierre, I tink I did perty good when it says rite dere on the box -- 'Jigsaw Puzzle - 500 pieces - 6 to 12 years'!"

samati75

08-07-2003, 01:35 PM

Boudreaux was riding along the highway when a truck passes with some pigs in it.
One of the pigs falls out and Boudreaux stops to pick it up.

A while later, a state trooper stops and says "Boudreaux, what you doin with dat pig?"

Boudreaux says "A man passed by wid a truck full of pigs and dis one fell out. I was goin to try to catch up with de truck and give de man his pig back."

The state trooper says "Boudreaux, dat man is long gone, why don't you just take dat pig to de zoo?"

Boudreaux said "OK".

A couple of days later, the state trooper sees Boudreaux on the highway with the pig still in his truck.

He stops Boudreaux and says "Didn't I tell you to bring dat pig to the zoo?"

Boudreaux says "Mais, yea, but we had so much fun at de zoo dat I tink we are gonna go to AstroWorld now!"

Rhonda

08-08-2003, 09:59 PM

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool."

blueassbitch

08-08-2003, 10:44 PM

Rhonda all I can say is... :rollin:

DRD 1812

08-08-2003, 11:38 PM

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bugger's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Ancient

08-10-2003, 09:26 AM

Heh, funny. As a veteran cat owner, best way to feed a cat a pill is to cover it with a bit of butter, have helper hold cat facing away from them with the cat standing on a table or counter. Tuck the cat's sitting hindquarters between your chest and the left elbow. Place your left hand on the chest and with the other hand grasp the throat from the front, with forefinger and thumb at the jaw's hinges. Arch the head back slightly, hold it still and gently apply pressure a half-inch in front of the hinges of it's jaw to open the mouth. Pop the pill on the back of the tongue, close cat's mouth and hold it shut for about 5 seconds so he cant spit it out. You should see and feel the cat swallow.

Bob: What is bright green, wet, hangs on the wall and whistles?
Sid: I give up, whut?
Bob: A dog.
Sid: A dog?!?
Bob: Yup.
Sid: A dog isn't bright green!
Bob: It is if ya paint it.
Sid: A dog isn't wet!
Bob: It is if it's just been painted.
Sid: A dog doesn't hang on the wall!
Bob: It does if ya hang it there.
Sid: A dog doesn't whistle!
Bob: Yeah, i just added that to throw ya off the scent.

Selena

08-13-2003, 10:16 AM

DRD 1812 ... they must have got this after watching me dose my cat :rollin:

Selena

08-13-2003, 10:22 AM

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. One day she decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So she went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. As she was on Social Security she only had $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for a mere $20.00. "But, there is a possibility!" he said, and brought out a black myna bird on a perch. "You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady left a man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

Now exasperated beyond limit he shouted "Lady! I said it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

The man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead, face down on the ground at the front door. When the lady returned from her shopping trip she saw the dead body lying at her front door and as she opened the door she gasped, "Oh my! Who is it?!"

The myna bird says, "It's the butcher!!!"

Ancient

08-14-2003, 09:24 AM

Off-colour, but funny.

Why do men shake thier organs after taking a leak?

Because ya can't teach an organ to go *sniff*.

Women usually crack up when hearing that one.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 12 year-old scotch.

The bartender eyes him, then pours him a shot of last year's scotch.

The man pays and takes a sip, then spews it onto the bar. "hey, this is last year's scotch! I asked for 12 year old scotch, dammit!"

Astonished, the bartender pours him a shot of 10 year old scotch. Sure enough, the man takes a sip, spews it out and says "hey this is 10 year old scotch! Give me some 12 year old scotch!"

Bemused, the bartender pours him a shot of some real 12 year old scothc, whereupon the fellow sips it with a sigh of contentment and thanks the bartender. The bartender then asks him about his astonishing ability, and the man assures him that he has a very sensitive palate, able to discern the tiniest differences in flavor.

A wino who has been watching walks up, offers the man a shotglass and says "Tell me what this is."

The man takes a sip, spews it out and screams "Good god, man, that's human piss!"

The wino beams and says "Yep! Now, how old am I?"

Selena

08-17-2003, 11:33 AM

:pissed: not cracking up at all Ancient! The story / joke was supposed to be the kind you could tell your mother!

Selena

08-17-2003, 11:34 AM

Engineers:

There were three engineers in a bar having a couple of drinks and brooding about what kind of engineer God is.
"Of course God is a Mechanical Engineer," said the Mechanical Engineer, " look at the human skeleton, it's a marvel of joints, linkages, support and it gives such free movement to the body."
" No way, God's an Electrical Engineer", piped up the Electrical Engineer," just think about the brain and the nervous system, it's an incredibly vast and complex electrical masterpiece!"
"You're both wrong," said the Civil Engineer, "God's a Civil Engineer!”
“No way,” The others chorused, “how could God be a Civil Engineer?”
“Well, think about it,” the civil engineer replied, “what other engineer would run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

Ancient

08-18-2003, 06:27 AM

You obviously do not know my mother.

Confucious says....

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

LiLOrion

08-18-2003, 09:01 AM

Not sure if this was posted before, but it was forwarded to me by a friend:

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's to risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son all fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was taking a pee and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out!"
Again, the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears."It's okay," says the mom. "I know what happened. You were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

zap

08-23-2003, 05:52 AM

Florida Hurricane Season Notes

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1.

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters:

The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:

The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:

The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows:

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Florida,?? you live in a low-lying area.) The
purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights

At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane drawsnear, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

zap

08-23-2003, 01:19 PM

:ewink:

Top Ten Sci-Fi Porn Films

10. The Maid Tricks

9. Invasion of The Body Snatches

8. Laid Runner

7. Sex Trek II: The Wrath of Dental Dam

6. The Mattress, Re-"Loaded"

5. My Nora T&A Report

4. Menage a Tron

3. Armageddon Horny

2. Event Horizontal

1. The League of Extraordinary Genitals

trinamick

08-24-2003, 06:55 PM

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin
her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

Rhonda

08-24-2003, 11:49 PM

An RVer named Bill, was stopped by a game warden in North Carolina as he was returning to his motorhome with a bucket full of still-alive fish.

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?", the game warden asked.

"No, sir. These are my pet fish", the man replied.

"Pet fish"? the warden asked.

"Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the motorhome."

"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad of citations.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works".

Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed.

So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water.

"Okay, said the warden. "Call them back."

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden.

"What fish"? asked the man.

trinamick

08-25-2003, 09:00 AM

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and cried, "Holy Crap! Am I driving?"

VBKatLou

08-25-2003, 11:40 AM

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guine pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that
writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think
all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at
the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as
it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.

How about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit
start.

VBKatLou

08-25-2003, 11:48 AM

trying on a thong

trubador

08-25-2003, 12:24 PM

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:
An, of course, in the rules of English you have the dipthong and the dangling participle.... which gives you an interesting mental picture.

trinamick

08-25-2003, 12:45 PM

The Farmer

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only
came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

Mrelia

08-25-2003, 07:43 PM

Rum Cake Recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 teaspoon soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead.

Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sue rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sue that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter.) Sample the rum again.

Sift + pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what ever color you can find. Wix mel. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the oven and ake. Check the rum again, thassgoodshtuffinnit? and gotabed!

trinamick

08-25-2003, 09:08 PM

The Marriage Test

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them each a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was very impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.00 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then....he ... very logically ... married the one with the largest boobs.

Surely you weren't thinking men have changed. :bluenana:

Lord Loser

08-25-2003, 09:39 PM

:rollin: :rollin:
Niiiiiiiiiiiiice Trina... Niiiiiiiice...

Lord Loser

08-25-2003, 09:41 PM

Secrets to a happy marriage from a male point of view:

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet. :aok:

trinamick

08-26-2003, 12:58 PM

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid fool was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car.

trinamick

08-27-2003, 12:05 PM

A Bird Tale
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read
$50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The
owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and
sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought
about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She
took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the
implication but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird
saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to
laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from
work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Rhonda

08-28-2003, 01:22 AM

Dick and Edna were both mental patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Dick suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Dick out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's
heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital as he now considered her
to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the good news he said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news
is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient. I have concluded
that your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is Dick, the patient you saved, hung
himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe
belt in the bathroom. I'm sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't kill himself, I put him there
to dry

trinamick

08-29-2003, 07:52 AM

My wife, who is a blonde, came running up to me
in the driveway, jumping up and down for joy!
I didn't know why she was so happy but I thought
what the heck-and started jumping up and down
with her. When she said, "honey, I love you", I said,
"great, now tell me why you're so happy today."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily
when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was so ecstatic!! We had been trying for a while to get
pregnant so I grabbed her and kissed her and told
her how great it was and that I was very happy.
Then she said "Oh honey, there's more.
I asked "what do you mean there's more?" She
said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are having twins."
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well that's the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack pregnancy test kit,
and both tests came out positive!!!"

zap

08-29-2003, 08:52 AM

What's Your Sign? And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus:
One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo:
Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a
Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra:
Umm, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio:
That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Spedoinkel

08-29-2003, 02:39 PM

Okay I have a few. most people have trouble with the first one but I think it's funny

Three gay guys are standing on a bridge. One of them throws a brik in the air it doesn't come down.

Okay next one.
A car is driving 10 mph down the highway. A cop pulls the car over, inside he sees a little old lady driving and several more with extremely scaried faces. He asks why the lady was driving so slowly on the highway, and see said "I just saw a sign back there that said the speed limit was 10." "That was the highway number." the police officer replied. Then he asked, "What is with all those other ladys? They look like terrible." "Well", the old lady said "we just got off highway 350."

Heres one that most peole get after a while.
A lady wanted to go on vaction, but she would have to take a plane and she couldn't take her pet duck with her. So she tied the duck up to a tree in the back yard and gave it plenty of food. Latter during her flight she thought she heard an odd sound coming from outside. She looked out the window and saw here duck still tied to the tree fling next to the plane. She understood the tree, but she couldn't figure out why the duck was carrying a brick in it's mouth.

Selena

09-04-2003, 09:13 AM

Sent to me by a friend in Australia who works in the travel industry. Purportedly actual questions received at an Australian Tourism Website, and the actual responses given, who says Aussie’s don’t have a wacky sense of humor!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos and koalas in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Do they show movies in Australia? (USA)
A: No, sorry we don't get electricity till next year.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Selena

09-04-2003, 09:23 AM

Trinamick they are some of the funniest I've heard in a long time - :roflmao: :rollin:

trinamick

09-04-2003, 09:48 AM

:lol :lol :lol

I liked yours too, Selena - I think I've met some of those people before!

Here's a new one:

Somewhere in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance.
He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house.
He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging,
rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans,
looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!"

:wingnut:

trinamick

09-04-2003, 03:32 PM

Subject: Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I
feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING :pissed:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) :eh:
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care."
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. :scare:

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

:bluenana: :banana:

Selena

09-04-2003, 04:27 PM

:rollin: I've been there done that :lol

kymom5613

09-04-2003, 05:38 PM

Ack! You've given "them" some of our secrets!!! Ladies, we must now unite and change the rules, yet again...(Loud sigh)...But, since we're on the subject, "Whatever" is greatly near "Fine" in its translation...heeheehee

trinamick

09-05-2003, 09:24 AM

Children's Books That Didn't Make It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sister Who Snitched
11. Grandpa Gets a Casket
12. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
13. Strangers Have The Best Candy
14. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
15. You Were An Accident
16. Things Rich Kids Have, But you Never Will
17. Pop! Goes the Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
18. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
19. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
20. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
21. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22. 101 Uses For Matches
23. The Boy Who Ran Away And Was Happy Forever
24. Sparky Goes To The Happy Farm In The Ground
25. Grandma Died Because She Doesn't Want To See You Any More
26. The Babysitter's Your New Mommy

trinamick

09-05-2003, 10:09 AM

Miss Annie was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things...a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Annie had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Annie," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

:scare:

trubador

09-05-2003, 08:55 PM

Originally posted by trinamick
...The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

zap

09-09-2003, 01:59 PM

Robin Hood Morality Quiz

How moral are you? What is your attitude to morals, sex and honesty? The personality test below was written by a qualified psychologist. To do the "test" you must give your honest opinion about morals and honesty of the four characters in our story of Sherwood Forest.

Forget any preconceived ideas you may about them--this is a different sort of story from all the others.

"The Sheriff of Nottingham captured Little John and Robin Hood and imprisoned them in his maximum-security dungeon. Maid Marion begged the Sheriff for their release, pleading her love for Robin. The Sheriff agreed to release them only if Maid Marion spent the night with him.

To this she agreed.

"The next morning the Sheriff released his prisoners. Robin asked that Marion tell him how she persuaded the Sheriff to let them go free.

"Marion told the truth, and was bewildered when Robin abused her, calling her a slut, and saying that he never wanted to see her again.

"At this Little John defended her, inviting her to leave Sherwood with him and promising life-long devotion. She accepted and they rode away together."

Now in terms of realistic every-day standards of behaviour, put Robin, Marion, Little John and the Sheriff in the order in which you consider they showed the most morality and honesty (from most moral to least moral).

There is no "right"answer. What follows is the psychologist's characterization of you based on which of the 24 possible arrangements you chose.

Don't look down until you have made your list.

Who did you list first? Robin, Marion, Sheriff, or Little John?

ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN:
You find it hard to accept the permissive attitudes of others, or to convince them of the validity of your own standards. You are not disposed to trust people and do not have a very happy life.

*You blame others for much of the unhappiness in your life.

ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF:
Your philosophy of life is a sad hotchpotch of the conventions of society, your own convictions and romanticism. You are not unkind, only staid and unimaginative.

* You resent the arrogance of men.

ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN:

* You seem to think women are worthless.

ROBIN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, MARION:
You have a very chauvinistic and outdated outlook on life. Your values and principles are defined not by clarity of conscience but by popular beliefs.

* You see yourself as having only one purpose in life - to satisfy your partner. You lack self definition as you derive all of who you are from them.

ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF:
You are a moralist with conventional ideas, which some people would call old-fashioned.

* Unlucky in love? Perhaps you hope for too much in your mate. Be a realist, not a romantic.

ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION:
You are conventional and puritanical.

* Your parents probably played a big part in the formation of such a guilt complex as yours. Your mind is in chains, and it's time you did something to free it.

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION:
You are not easy to assess. Basically you are ruled by an inferiority complex and feelings of insecurity. How do you present yourself to the world? An idealist, a moralist, a conformist keeping up with Joneses?

* It is a shame you have not accepted the ideal of woman as the equal of a man.

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF:
You are a cautious type, neutral, and rather insecure. You would agree with the idea that everybody has his price--and in your own case it would not be high.

* At least one relationship has made you unhappy, and you are now on your guard.

LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF:
You are fairly broadminded, romantic and reasonably contented. You value kindness greatly and try to live by your ideals. You do not conceal from yourself, or from others, your strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material.

* Your experiences with a significant other have not all been happy, perhaps because you hope for a little too much?

LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN:
You are the slightly romantic realist. You respect truth, and are broadminded and flexible. You are probably a happy person. You like people and they can readily make friends with you. You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.

LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN:
You too, believe that morality is another word for common-sense and suitability, and not something which is universally valid or a religious truth. Your feelling for security is strong, and you would rate reliability as one of your virtues.

* You are more permissive about the morals of others than you are about your own.

LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION:
You are conventional, unimaginative, and something of a prude. It would be surprising if your love life was a roaring success.

* You accept a double standard of morality in which women are very much the "second sex".

SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN:

* If you really believe this is the right order, you baffle us completely.

SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITLE JOHN, MARION:
Although you make a brave show of being self-sufficient, beneath this you are unhappy and rather mixed up.

* If men attract you at all, they probably be disastrously the wrong sort.

SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN:
If you are not living a happy life the cause is within yourself. You are a rebel. You value truth above morality, but you are reasonably tolerant of those who disagree with you.

* Despite your experience and intelligence you are not a good judge of people.

SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN:
You claim to be a realist or even a cynic, but you are more emotional and romantic and truthful.

* You have been hurt in the past and will probably let it happen again.

SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION:
Not a moralising pattern, but...

* You have a pretty poor opinion of yourself, haven't you?

SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN:
You have a confused, immature sense of values. You are erratic and stubborn and inclined to get angry or sulk when you don't get your own way. At least you are not a moral hypocrite.

* Perhaps you would rather be a man than a woman?

MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN:
Such an emphatic rejection of ready-made values in probably partly camouflage. You hate to be thought weak or insecure. You value honesty, and abominate humbug and hypocrisy.

* You are tolerant about humans and their failings--but you have no time for childishness.

MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN:
You know the so-called facts of life, but not to enjoy life itself. You are not a realist, and you are inclined to be stubborn.

* You are not sure whether truth and morality go hand in hand or are in opposition. You haven't a very high opinion of men.

MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF:
If you are not happy--and we suspect you are not--it may be because you feel guilty about your own emotions and lack confidence in your opinions.

* You are too concerned about what others think.

MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN:
You are essentially a contented person, even if you consider yourself a little superior. You are moral by your own standards, for you believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.

* You like being a woman, you understand what love is, and frankly enjoy sex.

MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF:
We would expect you to be a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others. You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances.

* You will expect high standards from the person to whom you give your love.

MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN:
You associate morality with honesty and truth more than with religious values. You are impulsive and somewhat unpredictable.

* You are a realist and a rebel, a defender of women's rights. You like men but despise weak ones.

Selena

09-09-2003, 02:50 PM

That was interesting!

Zutulu

09-09-2003, 06:33 PM

interesting and bordering on scary!

trinamick

09-10-2003, 03:25 PM

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.
This isn't for any religious constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

trubador

09-10-2003, 07:59 PM

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

Ancient

09-11-2003, 09:45 AM

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF:
You are a cautious type, neutral, and rather insecure. You would agree with the idea that everybody has his price--and in your own case it would not be high.

* At least one relationship has made you unhappy, and you are now on your guard.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Funny, because i'm a happily married man of 8 years. I believe i screwed the results by using my own brand of logic. The sheriff created the whole problem and consequential strife from his initial action, so his was the least moral and most far-reaching action. Marion opened a new can of worms by sleeping around instead of getting the rest of the merry men to break him out, and breaking up robin and little john's friendship. Robin, counting on a breakout, is justifiably outraged to learn the method of his release but is at fault for allowing his rage to hurt marion further and alienate little john. Little john makes the best of the bad situation and helps the person most in need while taking a stab at happiness for himself, but betrays a friendship to do it.

So, Sheriff is responsible for 4 negative actions.
Marion = 3 negative actions.
Robin = 2 negative actions.
Little John = 1 negative action.

There are no "brownie points" for doing the right thing. Doing the right thing, breaking the chain of pain, and helping others are a given in life, they are the correct choices that should be made but often aren't because people are irresponsible with which way they let thier dominoes fall. In other words, morality to me is restraint in making the easy harmful choices, while keeping the course of correct choices.

The AA members have a prayer.... "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Ancient

09-11-2003, 09:47 AM

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

blueassbitch

09-11-2003, 09:43 PM

Don’t know if this has been posted already but our UPS guy just told me this one…

…So two fleas meet in Florida and one is shivering. The second flea asks him, “What is wrong?” The first flea tells him, “The only way I could get to Florida was on the mustache of a Harley biker.” The second flea says to him, “Do what I do, next year get drunk crawl up the leg of an airline stewardess and pass out, next thing you know you’re in Florida!” So the next year the two fleas meet up again. The first flea is once again shivering. The second flea asks him, “Didn’t you do as I told you?” The first flea said, “Yeah I got drunk, crawled up the leg of a stewardess, passed out and next thing I know I wake up in the mustache of a Harley biker!”

zap

09-13-2003, 03:00 PM

CAT MIRACLE DIET

Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner'