Heard a good one lately? [Archive]

Selena

07-16-2003, 04:10 PM

A New York socialite was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser, who responded,
"Rome! Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded; it’s dirty and full of sleazy Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"
“We're flying Alitalia," the woman replied. "We got a great discount through the internet."
“Alitalia!" exclaimed the hairdresser in disgust, “That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are unfriendly and they're always late and they loose your luggage more times than not. I’d never fly with them again. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"Well,” said the woman feeling slightly apprehensive, “we have a reservation at this exclusive little place on Rome's left bank called Teste..."
"Oh dear, don't go any further,” interjected the hairdresser, “I know that place, everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump! Has to be the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small and cramped, the service is dreadful and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican and we’re
hoping to see the Pope." She replied excitedly.
“Listen dear, forget it," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people try to see him every day. You’ll be lucky to get a glimpse of him from the square. Take your binoculars because he’ll look the size of an ant. Listen honey, good luck on having a good time on this trip!”
One month later, the woman again came in for her usual hairdo appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"Oh it was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Alitalia's brand new planes, but coach was overbooked and so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome steward who waited on us hand and foot the entire trip. And the hotel was just great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so the manager apologized and gave us his own suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I’ll bet you were disappointed about not getting to meet the Pope!"
"Actually, we were very lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if we'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and greeted us warmly! As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me." She beamed.
“Oh really,” said the hairdresser skeptically, “What'd he say?"
“He said … where did you get that terrible hairdo?"

Selena

07-16-2003, 08:10 PM

This is a true story.

When my Mother died a few years ago my sister flew across country to Perth to attend to the funeral arrangements and I had to stay behind in Melbourne as I had only just started a new job.
After the funeral my sister brought back my Mother's ashes which were in a small 8X6X3" box. It was my job to take her ashes up to Sydney to scatter them on her Mother's grave (to fulfill her dying wish).

It was a number of months after the actual funeral before I had the time off to drive the 850 miles up to Sydney, so I had the box of ashes in the trunk of my car. My Mother had always hated cars and detested being in them. I found over the months that she was resident in my trunk amusing and I reflected that she never complained about driving with me like she had when she was a back seat passenger :lol She would never sit in the front seat.

About 2 weeks before I was set to drive up to Sydney I was coming home from Uni (university) one night and a drunk driver ran a red light and smashed into the back of my car when I stopped to let a pedestrian cross at a crossing. My car was a mess and the insurance company declared it a write-off.

The tow-truck came to pick up the vehicle and as the guy was getting me to sign off on the pick-up I said,
"You need to open the trunk for me because my Mother is in there and I have to get her out."
The guy looked at me ... he looked at the smashed in trunk ... then back at me again. He shook his head and went to get a crowbar. He jemmied the trunk open. The look on his face was priceless as I retrieved the box and a few other items. I was sure he was expecting to see a dead body or at least one that was severely injured!

aodhamair

07-16-2003, 08:55 PM

This one is really lame, but I found it hilarious when I heard it the first time (no idea why!):

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

trubador

07-16-2003, 08:59 PM

This has to be said out loud in order to get it, but I'll see if it's possible to type it out with the same affect:

Ethel and George, a retired couple from Palm Beach, Florida, decided to visit their good friends Buffy and Hank (another retired couple) in Malibu, California. The Mailbu couple started getting concerned when their FL buddies didn't arrive on time. A few days later, the FL couple finally arrived in Malibu, tanned and smiling.

The Malibu couple asked them what happened... why were they delayed?

George: Well, this was our first time on the west coast, and we decided we couldn't resist going down into Tiggoo Anna, just to check it out.

The Mailbu couple were puzzled. Tiggoo Anna??? Then they figured it out.

Hank: OH! You mean Tijuana.

Ethel: Yeah, yeah! It's was marvelous. Then we decided to drive thru this charming little community called Eel Caging.

Once again, the Mailbu couple were confused. Eel Caging??? Then they figured it out.

Buffy: Oh, you mean El Cajon.

George: Yeah, yeah, that's it! Quaint little town. Then we drove up the coast and just fell in love with Lagola.

The Malibu couple were totally baffled at this point. Lagola??? Exasperated, they finally figured it out.

Hank: Oh, you mean La Jolla. You see, out here in California all the "J's" are pronounced like "H's". So, how long are you guys going to stay out here?

Ethel: Oh, I guess until Hune or Huly.

Selena

07-17-2003, 08:31 AM

:lol

Selena

07-17-2003, 08:35 AM

Three doctors and three nurses are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three doctors each buy tickets and watch as the three nurses buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" one doctor asks.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a nurse. They all board the train. The doctors take their respective seats but all three nurses cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!"

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The doctors saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the doctors decide to copy the nurses on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the nurses don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed doctor.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a nurse. When they board the train the three doctors cram into a restroom and the three nurses cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the nurses leaves the restroom and walks over to the restroom where the doctors are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please."

NebariNookiee

07-17-2003, 09:15 AM

A man wakes up with a serious hangover. He moans and groans for a moment, then asks his what happened last night.

She says "You got totally wasted and made a complete ass of yourself in front of your boss."

The man says "Well, piss on him!"

She says "You did. He fired you."

The man says, "Well, screw him!"

She says "I did. You go back to work on Monday."

PkTechSquirrel

07-17-2003, 12:09 PM

:rollin:

Selena

07-17-2003, 12:16 PM

Okay I just have to share this one for all the animal lovers out there who are struggling with training issues ...

Peter’s Uncle Archibald was a recluse and known as an eccentric. When he died Peter was extremely surprised to find that he was summoned to the reading of the will. His Uncle had left him a parrot.

The parrot was foul mouthed and constantly cranky. Every word was an expletive and those that weren’t, were very rude. Peter tried for a number of weeks to modify the bird’s behavior without success. He treated the bird kindly but the bird swore at him. He talked nicely to it but it screamed abuse at him in response. One day in an act of desperation he shouted at the bird but it shouted back at him. He even resorted to giving the bird a little shake but the bird squawked a barrage of profanity.

Finally in a fit of desperation Peter grabbed the bird and put it in the freezer and slammed the door shut. There was a terrible commotion that went on for a number of minutes as the bird screamed at Peter from inside the freezer. Then there was silence. The silence stretched into a number of minutes and Peter was afraid he’d hurt the parrot.

He opened the freezer door gingerly and the parrot stepped calmly onto his outstretched hand.
“It appears that my behavior may have caused offense,” The parrot said calmly, “I deeply regret my former behavior and wish to apologize for my rudeness. I assure you that I will never give you cause for concern again. Please accept my humble apologies.”
Peter was stunned speechless by the bird’s changed attitude. He was just about to say something when the parrot continued …
“Might I enquire what the chicken did?”

Selena

07-24-2003, 06:20 AM

A man is sitting reading his newspaper at the breakfast table when his wife walks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper I found in your shirt pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it" she shouts.
"Don't be silly " he replies "When I went to the races yesterday Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".
His wife seems satisfied with this and apologizes.
Three days later he's sitting in his chair reading the paper again when she clocks him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he finally comes around he says "What the hell was that for?"
His wife says, "Your horse phoned a few minutes ago."

generic_screenname

07-24-2003, 02:36 PM

An old man was sitting on his front porch with no pants on. His neighbor walked by and saw him. He asked "Why are you sitting out here with no pants?"

The old man replied, "Well, yesterday I sat out here all day with no shirt on and I got a stiff back. This was my wife's idea."

Selena

07-28-2003, 09:52 AM

:fish:Fishing:fish::fishing:
Four married men are out fishing one week-end. After an hour, the following conversation took place:-
First man: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second man: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third man: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue fishing for a little while when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So one of them says, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth man: "Well, I set my alarm for 5:00 am. When it went off, I turned off my alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, "Sex or fishing?" she rolled over and said, "Wear a sweater dear, I hear it’s going to be chilly out there."

zap

07-28-2003, 10:10 AM

Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of fast food leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM could severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Selena

07-28-2003, 11:57 AM

:rollin: zapgun ... I can account for all 25! :lol

zap

07-28-2003, 11:58 AM

sadly, me too

VBKatLou

07-29-2003, 10:17 AM

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: - But, madam, computers do not have
curtains....
And the blonde said: - Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW - I just got off a two-hour conference call from hell. I hadn't looked at this thread for awhile and it restored my sense of humor. :)

zapgun - I'm pretty old, but there were one or two things on the list that don't apply to me yet. :rollin: I can still eat cold pizza and cake for breakfast. :rollin:

Selena

07-29-2003, 10:32 AM

Lawyer joke time ...

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a man down on his hands and knees eating grass. He told the driver to stop and got out.
"Why are you eating grass?" He asked the man.
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford to buy food."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The man then said, "But I have a wife and two kids." The lawyer tells him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "No problem. You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall." :shutup:

Selena

07-29-2003, 10:38 AM

And of course for the crafters in our midst we can't forget dear Martha ... :rollin:

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Selena

07-29-2003, 10:44 AM

VBKatLou I loved your blonde joke ... :roflmao: so I'll submit a nurse one ...

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.

Kurt_eh

07-29-2003, 03:23 PM

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young
lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a
bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear
and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to
entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a
bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear,
and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has
asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have
nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most
experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's
not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her
over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she
screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she
can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like
this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the
bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said
yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to
find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry.
Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house
and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle,
drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian
currency?"

Selena

07-29-2003, 04:25 PM

Just as well you're a Canuck Kurt_eh :rollin:

An Amish family are in a big city for the first time. Seth and his son Adam aged 12, are fascinated with all the marvels they are seeing. In a huge shopping Mall Adam is looking at the toy display while his Mother, Martha is shopping nearby in one of the stores.
Near the toy store is a contraption with a pair of large silver doors and a sign above it with numbers on it. This has Seth completely fascinated and intrigued.
As he watches he notices an elderly lady with a bad limp, leaning heavily on a cane, walk to the doors which open. She hobbles inside and the silver doors close. The numbers on the sign go up to 5 then gradually back down to 1. When the doors open again a beautiful young woman steps out and hurries away.
“Adam,” Seth says breathlessly to his son, “Be quick, and go fetch your Mother.”

ichinen

07-29-2003, 04:33 PM

What do making love in a canoe and American beers have in common?

There both f-ing close to water

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

Selena

07-30-2003, 12:06 PM

Time for a joke of the day moment ...
this is not really a joke but a riddle ...

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

:innocent:

:innocent:

:innocent:

:innocent:

:innocent:

A: You use four skin-divers ... :lol

... foreskin divers!

generic_screenname

07-30-2003, 12:09 PM

That's almost as bad as "how do you make pickled bread?"

Selena

07-30-2003, 12:10 PM

And a little humor for the animal lovers amongst us ...

A frog goes into a local bank and hops up into a chair at the desk of Patty Black, the new loan officer.
"Good morning Mr. Frog, what can I do for you?" She asks pleasantly.
The frog answers, "I'm here to apply for a loan."
Miss Black knows the frog is not eligible for a loan but decides to humor him anyway. "Very well, let's fill out the papers. Your name?"
"Mr. Frog."
"Mr. Frog, in order to obtain a loan, you must have collateral."
The frog reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out a tiny cup and a tiny saucer. "Here you are. Take these to your supervisor, and I'm sure he will OK the loan."
Miss Black goes into her supervisor's office and says, "There's a frog at my desk asking for a loan, and he handed me this for collateral. What is it anyway?"
The supervisor says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

Selena

07-30-2003, 07:34 PM

Still with the animal theme I just had to post this one ... sent to me by my son in Perth Western Australia

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to regs.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach the stupid light!

Rottweiler: Make me!

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!! PLeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Newfoundland: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

French Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he'll do it for me. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Irish Setter: Huh?

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb!

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this really bad hangover...

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right up there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Kelpie: First, I'll get all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheepdog: Light globe? I'm sorry, but I don't see any light bulb.

Hound Dog: :zzz:

German Shepard: I'll guard the door and watch the house while my master changes the light bulb.

:kitty:The Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs!

So the question is, just how long will it be before I can expect light?

Selena

07-31-2003, 12:13 PM

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into that movie. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts and I even saw him flinch in the scary parts. But most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny bits. Did you find that unusual?"

"Oh yes," she replied, "It was very unusual... because he hated the book!"

Selena

07-31-2003, 12:28 PM

It's tough being a dog ... there are so many expectations!

Things Dogs Must Try To Learn To Remember

. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff

. Do not suddenly stand straight up when lying under the coffee table

. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge

. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house

. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it

. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up

. Do not throw up in the car

. Do not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

. I will not lick my human's face after eating poop or drinking out of the toilet

. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food

. I will not eat socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing

. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar

. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up against her bottom end

. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them

. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging

. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside

. We do not have a doorbell so I will not bark each time I hear one on TV

. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it

. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps

. My head does not belong in the refrigerator or the oven

. I will not attempt to bite the police officer's hand when he reaches into the car for Mom or Dad's driver's license and car registration

Selena

08-04-2003, 12:16 PM

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "...ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It was a four week old puppy."
"Liar!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Johnsgirl727

08-04-2003, 12:21 PM

:rollin::rollin::rollin:

Selena

08-04-2003, 12:22 PM

There's a glass of milk next to the computer keyboard ....

Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.

Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

CIA: What makes you think that's milk?

Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Feminist: How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?

Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.

Idealist: In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy.

IRS: Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

Mac users: Where's my pump?

MIS: I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Multimedia author: <slurp!>

National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!

Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.

NSA: We know what it really is.

Paranoid: Here is a glass just sitting here. Why? Who put it here? WHY WHY WHY!!! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?

Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Schroedinger: That stupid cat got into the milk again!

Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go?

Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?

UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.

Windows users: Where's my straw?

VBKatLou

08-04-2003, 03:00 PM

Originally posted by generic_screenname
That's almost as bad as "how do you make pickled bread?"

So how do you?

samati75

08-05-2003, 12:05 PM

Originally posted by VBKatLou
So how do you?

Dill dough. Bah dum dum.

Selena

08-05-2003, 12:11 PM

Ever had a situation where you wished you could just send a card? It seems there are some situations in life that one just can't find card for. These were sent to me by Chaym.

Situations Hallmark Cards don't seem to cover:

1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ... (inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry .. (inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost life-like!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.(inside card) . Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).

14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?

generic_screenname

08-05-2003, 12:22 PM

Those are great! I got the same ones in an email last year. I love "Uncle Dad."

I passed your "timid little man and his dog" joke to my friends yesterday. Good Stuff!

Selena

08-05-2003, 12:24 PM

I was a bit concerned about posting that as it might upset people from the mentioned states ...

Selena

08-05-2003, 05:09 PM

:lol This thought for the day was sent to me by Chaym ...

Life isn't like a box of chocolates.........
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Lord Loser

08-05-2003, 05:47 PM

On a little more off colour note...

What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with dihareah?

The epileptic shucks between fits...

(think about it...) :loser:

Lord Loser

08-05-2003, 06:03 PM

A teenage boy has just asked the hottest girl in school out on a date and she said yes. Sooooo, thinking like most boys of that age he goes into the pharmacy and decides to purchase some condoms.

He goes up to the pharmacist and sheepishly asks, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy some condoms."

"Ohhhhh, Hot date tonight, eh son. Do you need the three pack, six pack, or twelve pack." The pharmacist replies.

"Well, she's pretty hot... Better make it the twelve pack." the teenager says, now brimming with more confidence.

"OHHHHH, HOT DATE tonight." The pharmacist replies and sells him the condoms.

Later that night the boy goes over to the girls house and she meets him at the front door. "My mom cooked us dinner, and she wants you to eat with the family." the girl tells him. As funds are tight, the boy thinks to himself, "Great, save a few bucks."

As they sit around the table the girls mother looks at the boy and asks if he will say the blessing over the food. The teenager quickly accepts and starts praying. He prays and he prays. He prays and he prays, and he prays. Fifteen minutes, still praying. Twenty minutes, still praying. Finally after a half an hour he finally finishes up. They all finish their dinner and as the boy and his date are leaving for the movies, the girl says, "I had no idea you were so religious."

To which the boy replied, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist." :loser:

VBKatLou

08-06-2003, 05:10 AM

Originally posted by samati75
Dill dough. Bah dum dum.

Ah.............

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work = Power * Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

Work = Knowledge * Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work/Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

generic_screenname

08-06-2003, 06:46 AM

Originally posted by VBKatLou
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
well THAT expalins Bonnie Hammer.

Selena

08-06-2003, 06:58 AM

:rollin: you are wicked GS ... very funny but wicked :lol

Selena

08-07-2003, 12:06 PM

Okay you slackers ... don't any of you hear good jokes? How sad is that???

__________________________________________________

Movie Stars Answering Machines

CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away.
You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six.
Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"

BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."

JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you STUPID IDIOT!!!"

G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event, I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said."

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly known as 'BEEP!'"
________________________________________________

samati75

08-07-2003, 01:34 PM

One day Pierre went to Boudreaux's house and Boudreaux was working on a jigsaw puzzle.
A year later, Pierre again visits Boudreaux and Boudreaux is still working on the puzzle.

Another year after that, Pierre went to Boudreaux's to go fishing with him.

Boudreaux comes out of the house and says "Mais Pierre, I'm so proud of myself, I finally finished dat puzzle and it only took me two years!"

Pierre says "Mais, Boudreaux, I don't tink dat it should take you dat long!"

Boudreaux says "Mais, Pierre, I tink I did perty good when it says rite dere on the box -- 'Jigsaw Puzzle - 500 pieces - 6 to 12 years'!"

samati75

08-07-2003, 01:35 PM

Boudreaux was riding along the highway when a truck passes with some pigs in it.
One of the pigs falls out and Boudreaux stops to pick it up.

A while later, a state trooper stops and says "Boudreaux, what you doin with dat pig?"

Boudreaux says "A man passed by wid a truck full of pigs and dis one fell out. I was goin to try to catch up with de truck and give de man his pig back."

The state trooper says "Boudreaux, dat man is long gone, why don't you just take dat pig to de zoo?"

Boudreaux said "OK".

A couple of days later, the state trooper sees Boudreaux on the highway with the pig still in his truck.

He stops Boudreaux and says "Didn't I tell you to bring dat pig to the zoo?"

Boudreaux says "Mais, yea, but we had so much fun at de zoo dat I tink we are gonna go to AstroWorld now!"

Rhonda

08-08-2003, 09:59 PM

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool."

blueassbitch

08-08-2003, 10:44 PM

Rhonda all I can say is... :rollin:

DRD 1812

08-08-2003, 11:38 PM

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bugger's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Ancient

08-10-2003, 09:26 AM

Heh, funny. As a veteran cat owner, best way to feed a cat a pill is to cover it with a bit of butter, have helper hold cat facing away from them with the cat standing on a table or counter. Tuck the cat's sitting hindquarters between your chest and the left elbow. Place your left hand on the chest and with the other hand grasp the throat from the front, with forefinger and thumb at the jaw's hinges. Arch the head back slightly, hold it still and gently apply pressure a half-inch in front of the hinges of it's jaw to open the mouth. Pop the pill on the back of the tongue, close cat's mouth and hold it shut for about 5 seconds so he cant spit it out. You should see and feel the cat swallow.

Bob: What is bright green, wet, hangs on the wall and whistles?
Sid: I give up, whut?
Bob: A dog.
Sid: A dog?!?
Bob: Yup.
Sid: A dog isn't bright green!
Bob: It is if ya paint it.
Sid: A dog isn't wet!
Bob: It is if it's just been painted.
Sid: A dog doesn't hang on the wall!
Bob: It does if ya hang it there.
Sid: A dog doesn't whistle!
Bob: Yeah, i just added that to throw ya off the scent.

Selena

08-13-2003, 10:16 AM

DRD 1812 ... they must have got this after watching me dose my cat :rollin:

Selena

08-13-2003, 10:22 AM

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. One day she decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So she went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. As she was on Social Security she only had $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for a mere $20.00. "But, there is a possibility!" he said, and brought out a black myna bird on a perch. "You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady left a man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

Now exasperated beyond limit he shouted "Lady! I said it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

The man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead, face down on the ground at the front door. When the lady returned from her shopping trip she saw the dead body lying at her front door and as she opened the door she gasped, "Oh my! Who is it?!"

The myna bird says, "It's the butcher!!!"

Ancient

08-14-2003, 09:24 AM

Off-colour, but funny.

Why do men shake thier organs after taking a leak?

Because ya can't teach an organ to go *sniff*.

Women usually crack up when hearing that one.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 12 year-old scotch.

The bartender eyes him, then pours him a shot of last year's scotch.

The man pays and takes a sip, then spews it onto the bar. "hey, this is last year's scotch! I asked for 12 year old scotch, dammit!"

Astonished, the bartender pours him a shot of 10 year old scotch. Sure enough, the man takes a sip, spews it out and says "hey this is 10 year old scotch! Give me some 12 year old scotch!"

Bemused, the bartender pours him a shot of some real 12 year old scothc, whereupon the fellow sips it with a sigh of contentment and thanks the bartender. The bartender then asks him about his astonishing ability, and the man assures him that he has a very sensitive palate, able to discern the tiniest differences in flavor.

A wino who has been watching walks up, offers the man a shotglass and says "Tell me what this is."

The man takes a sip, spews it out and screams "Good god, man, that's human piss!"

The wino beams and says "Yep! Now, how old am I?"

Selena

08-17-2003, 11:33 AM

:pissed: not cracking up at all Ancient! The story / joke was supposed to be the kind you could tell your mother!

Selena

08-17-2003, 11:34 AM

Engineers:

There were three engineers in a bar having a couple of drinks and brooding about what kind of engineer God is.
"Of course God is a Mechanical Engineer," said the Mechanical Engineer, " look at the human skeleton, it's a marvel of joints, linkages, support and it gives such free movement to the body."
" No way, God's an Electrical Engineer", piped up the Electrical Engineer," just think about the brain and the nervous system, it's an incredibly vast and complex electrical masterpiece!"
"You're both wrong," said the Civil Engineer, "God's a Civil Engineer!”
“No way,” The others chorused, “how could God be a Civil Engineer?”
“Well, think about it,” the civil engineer replied, “what other engineer would run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

Ancient

08-18-2003, 06:27 AM

You obviously do not know my mother.

Confucious says....

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

LiLOrion

08-18-2003, 09:01 AM

Not sure if this was posted before, but it was forwarded to me by a friend:

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's to risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son all fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was taking a pee and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out!"
Again, the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears."It's okay," says the mom. "I know what happened. You were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

zap

08-23-2003, 05:52 AM

Florida Hurricane Season Notes

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1.

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters:

The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:

The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:

The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows:

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Florida,?? you live in a low-lying area.) The
purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights

At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane drawsnear, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

zap

08-23-2003, 01:19 PM

:ewink:

Top Ten Sci-Fi Porn Films

10. The Maid Tricks

9. Invasion of The Body Snatches

8. Laid Runner

7. Sex Trek II: The Wrath of Dental Dam

6. The Mattress, Re-"Loaded"

5. My Nora T&A Report

4. Menage a Tron

3. Armageddon Horny

2. Event Horizontal

1. The League of Extraordinary Genitals

trinamick

08-24-2003, 06:55 PM

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin
her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

Rhonda

08-24-2003, 11:49 PM

An RVer named Bill, was stopped by a game warden in North Carolina as he was returning to his motorhome with a bucket full of still-alive fish.

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?", the game warden asked.

"No, sir. These are my pet fish", the man replied.

"Pet fish"? the warden asked.

"Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the motorhome."

"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad of citations.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works".

Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed.

So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water.

"Okay, said the warden. "Call them back."

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden.

"What fish"? asked the man.

trinamick

08-25-2003, 09:00 AM

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and cried, "Holy Crap! Am I driving?"

VBKatLou

08-25-2003, 11:40 AM

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guine pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that
writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think
all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at
the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as
it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.

How about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit
start.

VBKatLou

08-25-2003, 11:48 AM

trying on a thong

trubador

08-25-2003, 12:24 PM

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:
An, of course, in the rules of English you have the dipthong and the dangling participle.... which gives you an interesting mental picture.

trinamick

08-25-2003, 12:45 PM

The Farmer

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only
came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

Mrelia

08-25-2003, 07:43 PM

Rum Cake Recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 teaspoon soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead.

Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sue rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sue that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter.) Sample the rum again.

Sift + pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what ever color you can find. Wix mel. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the oven and ake. Check the rum again, thassgoodshtuffinnit? and gotabed!

trinamick

08-25-2003, 09:08 PM

The Marriage Test

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them each a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was very impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.00 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then....he ... very logically ... married the one with the largest boobs.

Surely you weren't thinking men have changed. :bluenana:

Lord Loser

08-25-2003, 09:39 PM

:rollin: :rollin:
Niiiiiiiiiiiiice Trina... Niiiiiiiice...

Lord Loser

08-25-2003, 09:41 PM

Secrets to a happy marriage from a male point of view:

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet. :aok:

trinamick

08-26-2003, 12:58 PM

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid fool was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car.

trinamick

08-27-2003, 12:05 PM

A Bird Tale
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read
$50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The
owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and
sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought
about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She
took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the
implication but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird
saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to
laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from
work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Rhonda

08-28-2003, 01:22 AM

Dick and Edna were both mental patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Dick suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Dick out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's
heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital as he now considered her
to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the good news he said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news
is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient. I have concluded
that your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is Dick, the patient you saved, hung
himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe
belt in the bathroom. I'm sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't kill himself, I put him there
to dry

trinamick

08-29-2003, 07:52 AM

My wife, who is a blonde, came running up to me
in the driveway, jumping up and down for joy!
I didn't know why she was so happy but I thought
what the heck-and started jumping up and down
with her. When she said, "honey, I love you", I said,
"great, now tell me why you're so happy today."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily
when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was so ecstatic!! We had been trying for a while to get
pregnant so I grabbed her and kissed her and told
her how great it was and that I was very happy.
Then she said "Oh honey, there's more.
I asked "what do you mean there's more?" She
said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are having twins."
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well that's the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack pregnancy test kit,
and both tests came out positive!!!"

zap

08-29-2003, 08:52 AM

What's Your Sign? And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus:
One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo:
Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a
Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra:
Umm, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio:
That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Spedoinkel

08-29-2003, 02:39 PM

Okay I have a few. most people have trouble with the first one but I think it's funny

Three gay guys are standing on a bridge. One of them throws a brik in the air it doesn't come down.

Okay next one.
A car is driving 10 mph down the highway. A cop pulls the car over, inside he sees a little old lady driving and several more with extremely scaried faces. He asks why the lady was driving so slowly on the highway, and see said "I just saw a sign back there that said the speed limit was 10." "That was the highway number." the police officer replied. Then he asked, "What is with all those other ladys? They look like terrible." "Well", the old lady said "we just got off highway 350."

Heres one that most peole get after a while.
A lady wanted to go on vaction, but she would have to take a plane and she couldn't take her pet duck with her. So she tied the duck up to a tree in the back yard and gave it plenty of food. Latter during her flight she thought she heard an odd sound coming from outside. She looked out the window and saw here duck still tied to the tree fling next to the plane. She understood the tree, but she couldn't figure out why the duck was carrying a brick in it's mouth.

Selena

09-04-2003, 09:13 AM

Sent to me by a friend in Australia who works in the travel industry. Purportedly actual questions received at an Australian Tourism Website, and the actual responses given, who says Aussie’s don’t have a wacky sense of humor!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos and koalas in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Do they show movies in Australia? (USA)
A: No, sorry we don't get electricity till next year.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Selena

09-04-2003, 09:23 AM

Trinamick they are some of the funniest I've heard in a long time - :roflmao: :rollin:

trinamick

09-04-2003, 09:48 AM

:lol :lol :lol

I liked yours too, Selena - I think I've met some of those people before!

Here's a new one:

Somewhere in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance.
He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house.
He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging,
rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans,
looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!"

:wingnut:

trinamick

09-04-2003, 03:32 PM

Subject: Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I
feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING :pissed:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) :eh:
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care."
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. :scare:

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

:bluenana: :banana:

Selena

09-04-2003, 04:27 PM

:rollin: I've been there done that :lol

kymom5613

09-04-2003, 05:38 PM

Ack! You've given "them" some of our secrets!!! Ladies, we must now unite and change the rules, yet again...(Loud sigh)...But, since we're on the subject, "Whatever" is greatly near "Fine" in its translation...heeheehee

trinamick

09-05-2003, 09:24 AM

Children's Books That Didn't Make It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sister Who Snitched
11. Grandpa Gets a Casket
12. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
13. Strangers Have The Best Candy
14. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
15. You Were An Accident
16. Things Rich Kids Have, But you Never Will
17. Pop! Goes the Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
18. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
19. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
20. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
21. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22. 101 Uses For Matches
23. The Boy Who Ran Away And Was Happy Forever
24. Sparky Goes To The Happy Farm In The Ground
25. Grandma Died Because She Doesn't Want To See You Any More
26. The Babysitter's Your New Mommy

trinamick

09-05-2003, 10:09 AM

Miss Annie was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things...a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Annie had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Annie," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

:scare:

trubador

09-05-2003, 08:55 PM

Originally posted by trinamick
...The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

zap

09-09-2003, 01:59 PM

Robin Hood Morality Quiz

How moral are you? What is your attitude to morals, sex and honesty? The personality test below was written by a qualified psychologist. To do the "test" you must give your honest opinion about morals and honesty of the four characters in our story of Sherwood Forest.

Forget any preconceived ideas you may about them--this is a different sort of story from all the others.

"The Sheriff of Nottingham captured Little John and Robin Hood and imprisoned them in his maximum-security dungeon. Maid Marion begged the Sheriff for their release, pleading her love for Robin. The Sheriff agreed to release them only if Maid Marion spent the night with him.

To this she agreed.

"The next morning the Sheriff released his prisoners. Robin asked that Marion tell him how she persuaded the Sheriff to let them go free.

"Marion told the truth, and was bewildered when Robin abused her, calling her a slut, and saying that he never wanted to see her again.

"At this Little John defended her, inviting her to leave Sherwood with him and promising life-long devotion. She accepted and they rode away together."

Now in terms of realistic every-day standards of behaviour, put Robin, Marion, Little John and the Sheriff in the order in which you consider they showed the most morality and honesty (from most moral to least moral).

There is no "right"answer. What follows is the psychologist's characterization of you based on which of the 24 possible arrangements you chose.

Don't look down until you have made your list.

Who did you list first? Robin, Marion, Sheriff, or Little John?

ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN:
You find it hard to accept the permissive attitudes of others, or to convince them of the validity of your own standards. You are not disposed to trust people and do not have a very happy life.

*You blame others for much of the unhappiness in your life.

ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF:
Your philosophy of life is a sad hotchpotch of the conventions of society, your own convictions and romanticism. You are not unkind, only staid and unimaginative.

* You resent the arrogance of men.

ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN:

* You seem to think women are worthless.

ROBIN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, MARION:
You have a very chauvinistic and outdated outlook on life. Your values and principles are defined not by clarity of conscience but by popular beliefs.

* You see yourself as having only one purpose in life - to satisfy your partner. You lack self definition as you derive all of who you are from them.

ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF:
You are a moralist with conventional ideas, which some people would call old-fashioned.

* Unlucky in love? Perhaps you hope for too much in your mate. Be a realist, not a romantic.

ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION:
You are conventional and puritanical.

* Your parents probably played a big part in the formation of such a guilt complex as yours. Your mind is in chains, and it's time you did something to free it.

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION:
You are not easy to assess. Basically you are ruled by an inferiority complex and feelings of insecurity. How do you present yourself to the world? An idealist, a moralist, a conformist keeping up with Joneses?

* It is a shame you have not accepted the ideal of woman as the equal of a man.

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF:
You are a cautious type, neutral, and rather insecure. You would agree with the idea that everybody has his price--and in your own case it would not be high.

* At least one relationship has made you unhappy, and you are now on your guard.

LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF:
You are fairly broadminded, romantic and reasonably contented. You value kindness greatly and try to live by your ideals. You do not conceal from yourself, or from others, your strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material.

* Your experiences with a significant other have not all been happy, perhaps because you hope for a little too much?

LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN:
You are the slightly romantic realist. You respect truth, and are broadminded and flexible. You are probably a happy person. You like people and they can readily make friends with you. You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.

LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN:
You too, believe that morality is another word for common-sense and suitability, and not something which is universally valid or a religious truth. Your feelling for security is strong, and you would rate reliability as one of your virtues.

* You are more permissive about the morals of others than you are about your own.

LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION:
You are conventional, unimaginative, and something of a prude. It would be surprising if your love life was a roaring success.

* You accept a double standard of morality in which women are very much the "second sex".

SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN:

* If you really believe this is the right order, you baffle us completely.

SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITLE JOHN, MARION:
Although you make a brave show of being self-sufficient, beneath this you are unhappy and rather mixed up.

* If men attract you at all, they probably be disastrously the wrong sort.

SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN:
If you are not living a happy life the cause is within yourself. You are a rebel. You value truth above morality, but you are reasonably tolerant of those who disagree with you.

* Despite your experience and intelligence you are not a good judge of people.

SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN:
You claim to be a realist or even a cynic, but you are more emotional and romantic and truthful.

* You have been hurt in the past and will probably let it happen again.

SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION:
Not a moralising pattern, but...

* You have a pretty poor opinion of yourself, haven't you?

SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN:
You have a confused, immature sense of values. You are erratic and stubborn and inclined to get angry or sulk when you don't get your own way. At least you are not a moral hypocrite.

* Perhaps you would rather be a man than a woman?

MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN:
Such an emphatic rejection of ready-made values in probably partly camouflage. You hate to be thought weak or insecure. You value honesty, and abominate humbug and hypocrisy.

* You are tolerant about humans and their failings--but you have no time for childishness.

MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN:
You know the so-called facts of life, but not to enjoy life itself. You are not a realist, and you are inclined to be stubborn.

* You are not sure whether truth and morality go hand in hand or are in opposition. You haven't a very high opinion of men.

MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF:
If you are not happy--and we suspect you are not--it may be because you feel guilty about your own emotions and lack confidence in your opinions.

* You are too concerned about what others think.

MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN:
You are essentially a contented person, even if you consider yourself a little superior. You are moral by your own standards, for you believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.

* You like being a woman, you understand what love is, and frankly enjoy sex.

MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF:
We would expect you to be a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others. You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances.

* You will expect high standards from the person to whom you give your love.

MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN:
You associate morality with honesty and truth more than with religious values. You are impulsive and somewhat unpredictable.

* You are a realist and a rebel, a defender of women's rights. You like men but despise weak ones.

Selena

09-09-2003, 02:50 PM

That was interesting!

Zutulu

09-09-2003, 06:33 PM

interesting and bordering on scary!

trinamick

09-10-2003, 03:25 PM

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.
This isn't for any religious constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

trubador

09-10-2003, 07:59 PM

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

Ancient

09-11-2003, 09:45 AM

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF:
You are a cautious type, neutral, and rather insecure. You would agree with the idea that everybody has his price--and in your own case it would not be high.

* At least one relationship has made you unhappy, and you are now on your guard.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Funny, because i'm a happily married man of 8 years. I believe i screwed the results by using my own brand of logic. The sheriff created the whole problem and consequential strife from his initial action, so his was the least moral and most far-reaching action. Marion opened a new can of worms by sleeping around instead of getting the rest of the merry men to break him out, and breaking up robin and little john's friendship. Robin, counting on a breakout, is justifiably outraged to learn the method of his release but is at fault for allowing his rage to hurt marion further and alienate little john. Little john makes the best of the bad situation and helps the person most in need while taking a stab at happiness for himself, but betrays a friendship to do it.

So, Sheriff is responsible for 4 negative actions.
Marion = 3 negative actions.
Robin = 2 negative actions.
Little John = 1 negative action.

There are no "brownie points" for doing the right thing. Doing the right thing, breaking the chain of pain, and helping others are a given in life, they are the correct choices that should be made but often aren't because people are irresponsible with which way they let thier dominoes fall. In other words, morality to me is restraint in making the easy harmful choices, while keeping the course of correct choices.

The AA members have a prayer.... "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Ancient

09-11-2003, 09:47 AM

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

blueassbitch

09-11-2003, 09:43 PM

Don’t know if this has been posted already but our UPS guy just told me this one…

…So two fleas meet in Florida and one is shivering. The second flea asks him, “What is wrong?” The first flea tells him, “The only way I could get to Florida was on the mustache of a Harley biker.” The second flea says to him, “Do what I do, next year get drunk crawl up the leg of an airline stewardess and pass out, next thing you know you’re in Florida!” So the next year the two fleas meet up again. The first flea is once again shivering. The second flea asks him, “Didn’t you do as I told you?” The first flea said, “Yeah I got drunk, crawled up the leg of a stewardess, passed out and next thing I know I wake up in the mustache of a Harley biker!”

zap

09-13-2003, 03:00 PM

CAT MIRACLE DIET

Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

CookieCat

09-13-2003, 10:36 PM

Perhaps this belongs in the Cat Vomit thread? :)

tribsaint

09-14-2003, 09:01 AM

Zapgun...frelling HILARIOUS. Who's been spying on my kitty?

*prints out, puts on fridge*

trinamick

09-14-2003, 02:55 PM

Subject: A Husband commits suicide

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well...there's
nothing wrong with your eyesight."

trinamick

09-16-2003, 08:50 AM

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.. . . Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Selena

09-16-2003, 08:53 AM

:rollin: I like that!

zap

09-17-2003, 04:56 AM

Geeks are their own special brand of weird, as are nerds. Dorks are a whole other breed. Perhaps you've been called a geek, but in your mind you said "No! I have a life! I can't be a geek!" You're quite right. But you can be a dork. There's nothing wrong with it...We all have our moments. But then some of us live that life to the fullest. Not usually on purpose.

That's actally the hallmark of dorkiness. No one tries to be a dork, it just kind of happens that way. Ever find yourself saying "I didn't mean for that to happen...It just kind of went wrong all by itself!"? Do you feel that way so often that you sometimes thing you should have that tattooed on your forehead? Take this quiz to figure out your Dork Quotient...

1. Are you slow at getting jokes?
a) Nah, I usually get 'em right away.
b) Most of the time. Noone will explain them to me anymore.
c) Actually, I don't think most jokes are very funny.

2. When you do get them, do you laugh strangely?
a) No.
b) Yeah.
c) I don't laugh.

3. Have you ever tripped over a smooth sidewalk?
a) Once or twice.
b) If I'm not paying attention.
c) No. I never look up from the sidewalk.

4. ...While you were making eye contact with someone attractive?
a) No, I try not to be a dumbass.
b) Rather often, actually.
c) Eye contact?

5. What do your friends think of you?
a) That I'm a pretty cool person.
b) That I'm weird, but in a good way.
c) Friends?

6. Does your clothing match right now?
a) Of course.
b) Kind of.
c) My computer doesn't care, so why should I?

7. Do you go out on Friday and Saturday nights?
a) Almost always.
b) Sometimes.
c) No, the library closes at 5.

8. Can you do dialogue along with the Holy Grail?
a) The what?
b) Can and do.
c) I don't watch movies.

9. Who do you most closely identify with?
a) Kermit.
b) Gonzo.
c) Scooter.

10. How do you react if someone refers to you as 'strange'?
a) I'm a little insulted.
b) I take it as a compliment.
c) I ignore them and resume work.

11. Do you have a web page?
a) No.
b) Yes.
c) No, I have real work to do.

12. How do you react when you meet somebody's kids?
a) I pat them on the head and say hi.
b) We'll usually engage in an ugly-face contest.
c) I avoid children.

Scoring...

Mostly A's

If you answered mostly A's, you're probably the average Joe/Jane Schmo on the street. You tend to not attract too much attention to yourself by doing stupid stuff in front of other people. You're the kind of person who considers their actions before they happen, and you are a pretty good judge of what other people are thinking. In short, you're dull.

So why did you take this quiz if you already knew you were normal? Well, either you're a delusional nerd, or you have a persistent little fear that you'll someday be perceived as a dork. Reality check: we all do dumb stuff from time to time, so don't worry about it so much. Bizarre spontaneity is better than regimented normalness. It's kind of endearing.

Mostly B's

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! You're a dork. You knew that. You know a lot of random stuff actually...You probably know what a male duck is called, and no, it's not a duck. I bet you tell "I'm a big dork" stories on a fairly regular basis. You're a member of Alpha Beta Needa Data. But what makes you cool (in your own sort of way) anyway is that you take all of this with a sense of humor. You know full well there's nothing wrong with being a little strange; you wouldn't have it any other way. That's pretty respectable. Even if your socks don't really match, if you look at 'em up close. But who's going to be looking that close at your socks anyway, right? So take pride in your dorkiness. You rock.

Mostly C's

When you go the beach, do people kick sand in your face? Do small children? When was the last time you looked up from your computer? Are you sure the outside world's still there? Do you care? Of course not, you're a nerd. You're definitely not normal, but you go beyond mere dorkiness, to the land of the geeks. You live in your very own little world, which is fine by you I'm sure, but believe it or not, other people are not the enemy, and they might even like you if you gave them a chance. You may want to work on that sense-of-humor thing, though. Laughter is OK, as is an occasional A-. But whatever. Do what you like; you'll be making quadruple my salary in a couple of years anyway!

trinamick

09-17-2003, 10:09 AM

LOL! :rollin: I am officially a dork!

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?"asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

:bluenana: :banana:

Kurt_eh

09-19-2003, 04:19 PM

Marriage Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant

Rhonda

09-19-2003, 07:38 PM

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of her mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her that it's not so, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of her mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow bigger?"

He said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

Selena

09-22-2003, 08:10 AM

Sent to me by a Greek friend in Australia. :rollin:

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe thunder storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one of the wings is struck by lightning.
One woman loses it, screaming she stands up and rushes to the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. "But, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there’s silence ... everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Suddenly a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous; tall, well built, with jet black curly hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time.
...No one moves.
...He removes his shirt.
...Muscles ripple across his chest.
...The woman gasps uncontrollably...
...He leans towards her...
...She is about to faint...
...He whispers..."Iron this."

trinamick

09-22-2003, 08:38 AM

ROFLMAO! :rollin:

VBKatLou

09-22-2003, 12:24 PM

BLONDE COOKBOOK

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The cake recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one-hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY:
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Kurt_eh

09-25-2003, 08:53 AM

The Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

trinamick

09-25-2003, 09:02 AM

ROFL! :rollin:

Kurt_eh

09-25-2003, 03:52 PM

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a condom.

The pharmasist asks "would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No thanks. I'm not that kind of duck!"

fermicat

09-25-2003, 05:34 PM

Apologies if this one has appeared before:

So this skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...

Egg

09-25-2003, 05:37 PM

The Dutch letter

A French letter with clogs on
so you can hear yourself coming

grinner

09-29-2003, 03:43 PM

Don't know if this has been posted yet...

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness' turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "If you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

Silk

09-29-2003, 03:48 PM

:lol
I've heard that before. I think it's even better the second time.

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:07 PM

An Englishman, Scottsman and Irishman are sitting in a pub together and each orders a Guinness. After waiting the requisite time for the proper pouring, the three Guinnesses arrive at their table. Just then, three flies simultaneously take a dive, separately into each man's drink. The trio are taken aback for a second but regain their composure. The Englishman waves to the bar maiden and asks for a fresh pint. The Scottsman plucks the fly from his Guinness and he continues drinking. But the Irishman grabs the fly, holds it above his drink and shouts "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!!"

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:08 PM

A Texan hears of the drinking prowess of the Irish, and decides to investigate for himself. He flies to Ireland, and goes to a small pub, walks in, and makes his offer: "I've got $10,000 for any man who can drink ten pints of Guinness in 10 minutes, I'll be here all night, so go tell your friends." A small guy in the back of the bar gets up, walks up to the Texan, and says "I'll be right back." 15 minutes later, the small Irish guy comes back alone, walks up to the bar, and orders the 10 pints. In 9 minutes the ten pints are gone, and the Texan is paying him the money, saying "Boy, I figured you were gonna go get some big guy to take the challenge, where did you get off to?" The Irish guy says "Oh no, I just had to go to me other pub and see if I could do it first."

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:08 PM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Silk

09-29-2003, 04:10 PM

I think grinner has the world record for most Guinness jokes told in a single sitting:lol

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:13 PM

Very blue...
.

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.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.Guinness!

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.

'You dirty bastard' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.

'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she screams.

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your p***y with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup'

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

'What's up love?' he asks.

'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off' she says.

'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.

'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

Her husband replies, 'Look love. I'm not f*cking around with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'

Silk

09-29-2003, 04:17 PM

AHHHHHH! My mind! My poor mind! Get me the Aurora Chair! Wipe my memories!!!! Help!

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:17 PM

Three Pints of Guinness
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the
other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank
together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in
the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his
eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just
quit drinking!"

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:20 PM

We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:20 PM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass." 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

grinner

09-29-2003, 04:21 PM

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

trubador

09-29-2003, 07:51 PM

Originally posted by grinner
...1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass." 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

ilianexsi

09-29-2003, 07:57 PM

I know this isn't much, following all grinner's Irish jokes, but....

Q: What's Irish and stays out in the yard all night?

A: Patty O'Furniture.

grinner

09-29-2003, 08:05 PM

Q. What's Irish and lights up the night?

A. Patty O'Lantern

grinner

09-29-2003, 08:12 PM

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

grinner

09-29-2003, 08:13 PM

He: I just ate some Dutch cheese.
She: Was it Gouda?
He: Jesus, no. It was awful God knows what was in it.

littulkittons

09-29-2003, 09:28 PM

Why is a redneck murder so hard to solve?

The DNA is the same, and there are no dental records.

Selena

09-30-2003, 05:56 AM

Performance Evaluations (???????)

Actual quotes taken from some Government Department employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "This employee should not be allowed to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner she starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "She would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes her 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Silk

09-30-2003, 09:41 AM

Oh, those are great. I especially like 9-12.

Silk

10-01-2003, 02:52 PM

In case you have not seen it, I posted a joke in the Bad Timing-Rhyming thread. So, I will not re-post it here. Unless people beg and whine, and, honestly, that's not the type of atmosphere I want around here:)

fermicat

10-02-2003, 06:12 AM

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

stellar

10-02-2003, 06:30 AM

Okay... bear with me; this is from memory and I hope I don't mess up the timing:

An engineer dies in a SUV rollover and is sent to Hell. Six-months pass and the Devil gets a phone call from God.

"Hey it's me." says the Almighty.

"Listen, a few months ago there was some HR mix-up and one of our engineers was sent there by mistake." God said, nonchalantly.

"Uh... OK..." says the Devil, rolling his eyes.

"Uh... Yeah, well sorry about the mix-up I'll send a car for him right away." says God.

"I don't think so," says the Devil, "you see since he's been here we've got air-conditioning, decent roads, hot and COLD running water, and cable television."

"So, we're keeping him on."

"Listen guy," God says, staring to lose it, "by all rights that engineer belongs up here... I'll see you in court!"

The Devil replies, "Where're you going to get a lawyer?"

*badoomboom*

- Stellar

zap

10-11-2003, 04:54 AM

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the ass.

Clarsax

10-11-2003, 01:23 PM

A friend sent these to me. I thought they were kind of cute.

Viruses that can infect your computer anytime:

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The Verizon virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bobbit virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

Congressional Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Congressional Virus #2: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Kevorkian virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

OJ virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Christian Science Virus: Your hard drive isn't really down, you just think it is.

Jude

10-11-2003, 03:22 PM

An old woman was in the hair salon talking to her friend...
Old woman: My husband died last night picking runner beans for dinner...
Old womans friend: Oh dear!! What ever did you do?
Old woman: What else could I do? I opened a tin of peas!

grinner

10-15-2003, 07:40 AM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And finally, Cliff Clavin explains the Buffalo Theory of beer to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

trubador

10-15-2003, 01:26 PM

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

I LOVED his deadpan stand-up routine from the late-80s. :rollin:

Selena

10-15-2003, 01:35 PM

Originally posted by zapgun
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the ass.

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

zap

10-17-2003, 01:27 PM

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,"Boy is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed

Selena

10-20-2003, 08:15 AM

Sent to me by Kymom :lol

DON'T MESS WITH MOM

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from my head down to my toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better know as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts and pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance you used to get, will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying? Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D?"

MOM (Mean Old Mother)

trinamick

10-20-2003, 08:54 AM

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out.
He returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry.. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ......"

talyn3

10-20-2003, 12:59 PM

Warning this joke is not very humorus to the teller, but on here, some people will like it

heard this one the radio the other day....

Orgianaly(I can't spell) God created Eve with 3 breasts, (Hey- easy fellas) but after a while the middle breast just seemed to be in the way all the time so Eve called to God and had the middle breast removed. After the surgery, Eve asked God what were they going to do with a useless boob, God took it and then created man.

Selena

10-20-2003, 01:09 PM

Then there was another creation story about how Eve came to be ...

Adam was looking around the garden and noticed that all the animals and birds seemed to be paired up. But he couldn't find a mate for himself and was getting very lonely :pace:
So he called God on his cell phone and said,
"God, I can't find a mate. I notice that all the animals and creatures you've created seem to have a soul mate, but there's no-one for me. I want a mate."
"Okay!" God replied, "I'm going to give you a fantastic partner. This being will be incredibly intelligent, beautiful beyond words, creative, wise, funny, a good provider and a true soul mate who will meet your evey need even beyond your wildest dreams."
"Fantastic." Adam replies.
"There's just one thing," God interjects, "this being is going to cost you one arm and both of your legs."
"Wow!" Adam replies "that's pretty steep."
He thinks it over for a few minutes.
:think:
"Tell me God, what could you do for a rib?"

trinamick

10-23-2003, 01:30 PM

A man and his wife were planning a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

Alexxia

10-23-2003, 07:35 PM

Ooh, ooh...I wanna play!

HEALING LAUGHTER FOR THE SOUL

Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers
provided
by 6th graders during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the
best
humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that
all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

3. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death,
his career suffered a dramatic decline.

4. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

5. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

6. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

7. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of
blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and
started smoking.

8. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

9. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an
example
of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

10. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

11. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two
cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

12. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On
the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in
his seat by
one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator
was John
Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

13. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept
up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian,
and half English. He was very large.

14. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

15. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
CyrusMcCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who
wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl
Marx
became one of the Marx Brothers.

Mrelia

10-29-2003, 07:50 AM

By way of bumping...

A man dies, and he wants to know what Hell is like, so he gets to go for a tour. Lucifer is taking him around, and they come to a pit of fire where people are burning. "Who are those people?" the man asks.

"Those are Jews who ate meat with dairy," Lucifer says. They move on and come to another pit with people burning, and the man asks again.

"Those are Baptists who drank alcohol," Lucifer explains. A little farther along, another pit. "Those are Catholics who ate meat on Fridays." Finally they come to a fourth pit, and the man asks again who these people are and why are they being punished.

"Oh, those are Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks."

mgraylorn

10-29-2003, 10:41 AM

Here are 3 riddles for your children (or your class if you teach kids) for the Halloween season.

1. Where does a ghost go to get her hair done?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a. At the boo-tique.

2. What do you call a ghost in a hen house?
.
.
.
.
.
.
a. a Poultry-giest.

3. What is a ghost's favorite sandwich?
.
.
.
.
.
.
a. A boo-lony sandwich.

Madre Farbot

10-29-2003, 01:15 PM

This is actually a true story of some of the antics a friend of mine would get upto when he was a kid, something similar to Bart Simpson and his bar gags.

Anyway, bascially as a kid he would go to the telephone box (booth) and pick
out a rather interesting name. He said he picked out the name of Glasscock. Anyway, he dials the number, it rings and he would ask for Mr Glasscock. Mrs Glasscock answers the phone. My friend would say, is Mr Glasscock at home?
No, this is Mrs Glasscock. Then my friend would say, perhaps I can interest Mr Glasscock in a pair of crystal balls.

Selena

10-30-2003, 05:40 AM

A young Lebenese man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women I know and I want you to try and guess which one I'm going to marry.
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women over to his mother's house and sits them down on the sofa. They all chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
The young man is astonished. "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Lebenese mother replies, "I don't like her."

Jellyfish

10-30-2003, 05:54 AM

Quit complaining about your job.

mgraylorn

10-30-2003, 02:45 PM

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank. The brunette explains the plan again and again to the blonde. Finally the day comes for the heist. The brunette drives the getaway car up to the bank, lets the blonde off, tells her she will drive around the block and be there when the blonde emerges with the cash.

The brunette drives around the block, but when she gets back to the bank, the blonde is not there. A bit worried,she drives around the block again. This time when she arrives at the bank, she sees the blonde running down the street, dragging the bank safe by a rope, and being chased by a bank guard with his pants down around his knees.

The brunette stops, hustles the blonde and the safe in the car and drives off. As she is driving away the brunette screams at the blonde, "You idiot! I TOLD you - blow the SAFE and tie up the GUARD!"

zap

10-31-2003, 07:57 AM

One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps descend on him from a great height and knock him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

Alexxia

11-03-2003, 02:40 PM

I'm not sure where I got this, but it's one of my away messages, and I think it's hilarious.

The Shakespearean Hokey-Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Silk

11-04-2003, 01:27 PM

Ooh, can I snurch that?

Silk

11-04-2003, 01:39 PM

Originally posted by Alexxia
HEALING LAUGHTER FOR THE SOUL

Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers
provided
by 6th graders during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the
best
humor is in the misspelling.
Holy frell! I haven't laughed so hard since, well, lunch. But before that since a few months ago. I had heard these years ago, but they were so good again. Fav's:
Tee hee, Brutus; Joan of Arc; Shakespeare; Donkey Hote.

Since I'm posting in here, might as well tell a joke (I hope I heard this elsewhere than here-otherwise, I'd feel rather dumb, especially because I am going to reword it. Because I can't remember the original wording.):
A blonde went to her doctor, complaining of pain everywhere in her body. She told him, "It hurts when I touch my arm, my leg, my head, anywhere."
He replied, "You have a broken finger."

Alexxia

11-04-2003, 02:25 PM

:rollin: I like that one, Silk. By the way, the "test responses" are also posted in a couple other threads, but in longer form. I can't remember the exact thread titles, but the main one was something like: Forum getting too serious?...
Yeah, something like that :dunno: .
Oh, and feel free to snurch the Shakespeare Hokey-Pokey! I'm sure I snurched it from somewhere else, I just don't know where!

trinamick

11-04-2003, 02:32 PM

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight.

He didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said,

'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh crap.', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Silk

11-04-2003, 02:53 PM

Oh, greatness. Plus your sig.

Madre Farbot

11-04-2003, 05:30 PM

There were 3 girls who went to the doctor's office
for their annual checkup.

The first girl goes in and the doctor asks "Why is
there a letter "H" printed on your chest?" The
girl replies, "Well, everytime my boyfriend and I
make love he wears his "Harvard Letterman
sweater."

The second girl goes in and the doctor asks, "Why
is there a letter "P" printed on your chest?" The
girl replies, "well, everytime my boyfriend and I
make love he wears his Princeton Letterman
sweater."

Finally, the third girl goes in and the doctor
says, "Don't tell me, everytime you and your
boyfriend make love he wears his 'Wisconsin
Letterman sweater?"

The girl replies, "No. My boyfriend goes to
Michigan".

trubador

11-04-2003, 07:30 PM

I can tell a blonde joke without saying a word:

trinamick

11-05-2003, 03:23 PM

Subject: Leroy

>> > > >

A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS?"

"Yep, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign
up. I'll need all their names."

"This one is my oldest--he's Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy! All right, I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"

"Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the
smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE
kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

Ah, that's easy," said the mother. "Then I call them by their last names."

Silk

11-05-2003, 03:56 PM

Sounds like Dr. Suess's Daves.

Mrelia

11-14-2003, 06:48 PM

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted .
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, he is actually enjoying this.)
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

trubador

11-14-2003, 08:01 PM

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day maam", and he left.............

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

VBKatLou

11-17-2003, 12:00 PM

Parables

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?". The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops doodoo on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of doodoo is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doodoo, keep your mouth shut!

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed
them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and it fell into the river and drowned.

Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Mrelia

11-22-2003, 05:19 PM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.

trinamick

11-25-2003, 12:17 PM

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Selena

11-25-2003, 12:49 PM

Then there was the story of a young boy who was born with no body. Every day his mother would take him and put him on the window ledge so the unfortunate child could look at the world outside and see the children playing and watch all the exciting things that were going on in the neighborhood.
Everyday the child would watch the activity outside and yearn to go play.

One day the child asked his mother if he could go outside to play with the other children but his mother sadly told him no he could not as he didn't have a body. So the child asked if it would help if he prayed. Would God answer his prayer and give him a body?
"Sure," his mother replied, "it couldn't hurt."
So the child prayed earnestly for a few weeks and one morning he woke up with a wonderful new body.

Encouraged by this the child asked his mother if he could go outside to play with the other children but his mother sadly told him no he could not as he didn't have any arms. So the child asked if it would help if he prayed. Would God answer his prayer and give him some arms?
"Sure," his mother replied, "it couldn't hurt."
So the child prayed earnestly for a few weeks and one morning he woke up with a pair of wonderful new arms.

Delighted with his new body and arms the child asked if he could go outside to play with the other children but his mother sadly told him no he could not as he didn't have any legs. So the child asked if it would help if he prayed. Would God answer his prayer and give him some legs?
"Sure," his mother replied, "it couldn't hurt."
So the child prayed earnestly for a few weeks and one morning he woke up with a pair of wonderful new legs.

Very, very excitedly the child asked if he could go outside to play. His mother agreed.
While he was outside playing he was run over by a school bus.

And the moral of the story is - he should have quit while he was ahead.

Madre Farbot

11-25-2003, 07:16 PM

Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says. “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Billy says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Billy, that’s a mouthful.” Little Billy says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

Madre Farbot

11-25-2003, 07:43 PM

RECIPE FOR LOVE Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined bowl 1 FIrm banana.

DIRECTIONS: Look into laughing eyes. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl moistens. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers as heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight). The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn’t soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls. Notes: If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. If cake rises, leave town.

T'railmixx

11-26-2003, 02:27 AM

One day, the kindergarden teacher decides to go over the alphabet. "Ok class, can anyone give me a word that begins with the letter A?"
Immediately little Johnny's hand shoots up. Now, the teacher knows what colorful language little Johnny likes to use, so she calls on Betty.
"An apple", replies Betty.
"Very good," says the teacher, "now letter B" Little Johnny's hand is now waving frantically, and he's making little "oh..Oh" noises.
"Lindsy?" the teacher asks.
"Ball." Lindsy replies.
"Very good. How about C" Now little Johnny is breaking out in a sweat, with a snot bubble in his nose.
"Kevin?" asks the teacher.
"Cat?" says Kevin.

This goes on, and on; and now the teacher is on "R". Little Johnny is looking a little bored at this point. The teacher is thinking..."R"....."R"...safe enough. The teacher hesitantly says, "Ok Johnny, give us a word that begins with R".
"A rat!" little Johnny says.
"Very good." says the teacher not a little suprised.
"WITH A D*CK THREE F*CKING FEET LONG!"

T'railmixx

11-26-2003, 02:38 AM

Little Johnny isn't quite so little anymore, but everyone knows his language hasn't changed much. One day his English teacher is trying to explain the difference between poetry and prose.
"Poetry typically rhymes, while prose is freeform. For example, a ryhme would be 'Mary had a little lamb. It's fleece was white a snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.' Now if we wanted to change that to prose, we could change the ending to...'The lamb went with her'. Understand? Would someone like to try an example of their own? Johnny?"

"Ahem, Mary had a little pig. An ornery little runt. Stuck his head up Mary's dress, and smelled her little.... Teach? Would you like poetry or prose?"

"PROSE!" the teacher yelled.

"A**hole."

trinamick

11-26-2003, 08:01 AM

:roflmao:

Aeryn_Sun99

11-26-2003, 11:36 AM

Not sure if you guys have seen this one..but here goes...

A single guy (by the name of Bill) decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings."

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!"

A little voice came out of the box:..
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Selena

12-01-2003, 07:35 AM

:rollin:

This is a little late but I didn't have it last Wednesday ...

T H A N K S G I V I N G F O R E C A S T

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates.

Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.

By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Selena

12-04-2003, 06:35 AM

Here are a couple sent to me by a Greek friend back in Australia. I make no excuses for her she is quite weird but I love her anyway.:rollin:

Steve Folkes, coach of the Canterbury Bulldogs, gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Iraq.
The club has inspirational leader Steve Mortimer catch a plane to war torn Baghdad and track down the boy.
Steve risks life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally finds the boy and convinces him to come to Australia.
He does a full pre-season, plays in all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in first grade for the first premiership game of the year.
Ten minutes into the first half, Braith Anasta goes down with a severe knee injury.
Folkes turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go into the side and show everyone what you can do."
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in NRL (National Rugby League) history. He scores two tries, sets up another two, tops the tackle count, and kicks the winning goal on the siren from on the sideline.
The Bulldogs cheer him off the ground and give him another three cheers back in the locker rooms. Folkes tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and that he is a model lesson for all of them. Folkes then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son, call your Mother and tell her what you did today".
The boy proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says, "I had a great day. Guess what I did today?"
"I don't care what you did today his Mother replies. "Let me tell you what happened here today while you were out having such a good time," she goes on. "Your Father was stabbed and robbed, the house was fire bombed, our car blown up, your sister molested and your brother's been abducted."
"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what’s happened".
"So you should,” his Mother replies crossly, “if it wasn't for you we would never have moved to Bankstown.

(Note - Bankstown is one of Sydney’s less glamorous/safe suburbs)

Selena

12-04-2003, 06:36 AM

And the other one sent to me by my Greek friend ... :lol:

One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the cut, he tries to pay the Barber but the Barber replies:
“I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.”
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber comes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting on his doorstep.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also tries to pay the Barber but the Barber replies:
“I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a Community Service.”
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber comes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting on his doorstep.

A Greek guy goes for a haircut and he also tries to pay the Barber but the Barber replies:
“I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.”
The Greek guy of course is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber comes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Greeks waiting for a haircut.

zap

12-06-2003, 02:22 PM

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidently dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it a lovely tree? Where would you like me tostick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

trinamick

12-06-2003, 04:49 PM

ROFLMAO!

grinner

12-08-2003, 02:05 PM

Some old some new.

Reasons not to mess with a child...

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very

small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "then you ask him."

>
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while

they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what

the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "they will in a minute."

>
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,

"Thou shall not kill."

>
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

>
5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,"now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red

in the face.."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,"cause your feet aren't empty."

>
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a

large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "take all you want. God is watching the apples."

grinner

12-08-2003, 02:05 PM

Subject: Today's Axioms
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos; you never know what's going to burn your ass.
--------
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
---------
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
-----------
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
-----------
5) I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
-------------
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
--------------
7) My reality check bounced.
---------------
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
----------------
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
----------------
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

-----------------
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
-------------------
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
-----------------
13) Be careful . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
------------------
14) Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
-------------------
15) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
-----------------
16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

-------------------
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . Adjust!
----------------
18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
-----------------
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
---------------
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
------------------
21) I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump
---------------
22) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
-------------------
23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

Selena

12-08-2003, 02:37 PM

:snicker: :roflmao:

zelbinion

12-08-2003, 03:06 PM

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
Christmas was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his
mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a red bike for Christmas."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved a new bike for
Christmas.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother,
being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the
last year and write a letter to God and tell HIM why he deserved a bike
for
Christmas.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a
letter.

LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would
like
a bike for Christmas. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so
he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty
Good
boy this year, and I would like a red bike for Christmas.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again..

LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really
like
a red bike for Christmas.

Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote
another letter.

LETTER 4: Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am
very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for
Christmas.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he
wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked
because
Leroy looked very sad.......

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He
Looked
around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary...... He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,
down
the
street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen........ Leroy began to write
his letter to God...........

LETTER 5: I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
RED
BIKE !!

Selena

12-09-2003, 03:12 PM

I wasn't really sure where to post this but as it's funny I thought this would be more appropriate than the BTR thread ...

A Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
By: Harvey Ehrlich

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck.
How to live in a world that’s now politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the Union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not just use reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced by 4 pigs which really looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh,
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard strange noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for the unauthorized use of his nose.
He had gone on Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone when his wife,
Suddenly declared she’d enough of this life.
Joining a self-help group she up and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts he ne’er had a notion,
That making a choice could cause such a commotion.
Nothing of leather and nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute,
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise,
Nothing for just girls or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or too non-pacific.
No candy or sweets they were bad for the tooth,
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gifts were ones ecological.
No baseball, no football someone might get hurt,
Besides playing sport exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were sexist and should be passé,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed,
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was there to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to all without enraging the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy without indecision,
Each group of people and every religion.
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone everywhere, even you!
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth,
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

Alexxia

12-09-2003, 04:53 PM

I like that! But what's the BTR thread?

Mrelia

12-09-2003, 09:38 PM

The Masochist: Hurt me! Hurt me!
The Sadist: No.

trinamick

12-09-2003, 09:47 PM

:elol:

Lord Loser

12-09-2003, 10:10 PM

A little something sent to me a while back...

Alexxia

12-09-2003, 10:19 PM

Here are a couple of "definitions" from Joseph Joeb's The Campus Curmudgeon's Compendium:

Alcoholism Politically correct term for an incurable disease that was once considered a personal vice called drunkenness.
Beeper A status symbol, conspicuously displayed by students to demonstrate that they are as important as any doctor or drug runner.
Chewing Gum A pleasant distraction for the already distracted. An unpleasant distraction for the individual who discovers it on the sole of his shoe. alt. A structural component of classroom desks.
Dance (archaic) A mand and a woman engaged in graceful movement accompanied by music. (modern) An activity wherein two individuals go to the dance floor together and then appear to suffer independent seizures.
Desk A construction of wood and plastic mounted upon a frame which bounds the student on three sides lessening the likelihood the student will topple onto the floor while asleep during class.
DNA The building block of life. A spiral staicase to impeachment.
Faculty Lounge Where the restroom graffiti is more likely to be properly punctuated.
Health Food Bland vegetarian fare that purports to make one's life longer but, in reality, just makes it seem longer.
Life The dash between the two dates on a tombstone.
Resume (also curriculum vitae) An expanded and embellished version of your obituary from which the final date is omitted.
Schizophrenia Having someone to talk to when you're alone.
Spell What too few people could do before the introduction of "spell check" and even fewer can do now, because of "spell check."
Vasectomy The unkindest cut of all.
Wake A gathering where the guest of honor doesn't acknowledge the nice things said about him.
Yankee The name applied, in the North, to anyone from New England. In England the name is applied to anyone from the U.S. In the South, while it is a word, it is never spoken without the prefix "that damn."
Zipper A forerunner of velcro. A quick fastening device that facilitates donning clothing, closing suitcases and impeaching presidents.

Gargunza

12-15-2003, 06:57 PM

1.
So this pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. Everyone stares at him for a minute; and then the bartender tells him, "Hey, y'know, you've got a steering wheel in your groin, there."

The pirate replies, "Arrrr, I know, it's drivin' me nuts."

2.
So a skeleton walks into a bar, and he asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

--Mattttt

PS: Thank you! Thank you very much! Catch me all next week at Zanies!!!

Selena

12-16-2003, 06:02 AM

Doctor Joke. :aok:

Husband (a doctor) and his wife were having a fight at the
breakfast table one morning. The husband got up in a rage and yelled, "And you’re no good in bed either!" He stormed out of the house slamming the door.
An hour or so later he realizes he was being nasty and decides to make amends, so he calls her.
She answers the phone after many rings, and in an irritated voice he asks, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
"I was in bed." She replied.
"In bed? What were you doing in bed at this time of day?"
"I was getting a second opinion!"

trinamick

12-16-2003, 08:03 AM

Subject: Christmas Cookies.

>>These are the cookies I want this Christmas!!!
>>
>>
>>Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookies.........
>>
>> Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
>>
>> 1 cup of water
>> 1 tsp baking soda
>> 1 cup of sugar
>> 1 tsp salt
>> 1 cup of brown sugar
>> lemon juice
>> 4 large eggs
>> 1 cup nuts
>> 2 cups of dried fruit
>> 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
>>
>> Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
>> Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
>> again, to be sure it is of the highest
>> quality, pour one level cup and drink.
>>
>> Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
>> cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
>>
>> Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
>> At this point it's best to make sure the
>> Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
>> just in case.
>>
>> Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
>> leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
>> the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
>> frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
>> turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
>> in the beaterers just pry it loose with
>> a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
>> check for tonsisticity.
>>
>> Next, sift two cups of salt, or
>> something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
>> the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
>> juice and strain your nuts. Add one
>> table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
>> somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
>> the oven.
>>
>>
>> Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
>> and try not to fall over. Don't forget
>> to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
>> the bowl through the window, finish the
>> Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
>> dishwasher.
>>
>> CHERRY MISMAS

Mrelia

12-16-2003, 08:42 PM

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

trubador

12-16-2003, 08:51 PM

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Selena

12-18-2003, 07:57 AM

:snicker: Cookie recipe .... I'll drink to that although I don't think my oven would fit into my dishwasher.

Originally posted by Mrelia
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

:rollin: I love lightbulb jokes ...
How many Social Workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has got to want to be changed.

VBKatLou

12-19-2003, 09:19 AM

Ever notice that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?

Actually you can have a healthy sex life well into your later years. Assuming you can stand the sight of people your age naked.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Women who think about remarrying should just throw some men's underwear on the floor and shove all the blankets to the other side of the bed instead.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

zap

12-28-2003, 09:45 AM

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear:

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 (or smaller) cubicle

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal, and you pay for it

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK...you must carry around a security badge and open all doors for yourself

IN PRISON...you can watch tv and play games
AT WORK...you get fired for watching tv and playing games

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who peed on the seat

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the tax payers with no work required of you
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens
AT WORK...they are called "supervisors"

So why is it again that we work?????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I write this, I'm in the middle of yet another 12 hour work shift..... :(

grinner

01-02-2004, 04:59 PM

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by enviromental encounters: While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructer declare"it is essential that husbands and wifes know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury all purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

BillFrugge

01-02-2004, 07:53 PM

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.

The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs."

The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."

who45

01-05-2004, 02:50 PM

I don't know if this was posted before, but there are too many pages to look through so if it has...you get to see it twice.:D

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S & CAT'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. But they only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and as it speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, It is only a matter of time.

trinamick

01-06-2004, 12:37 PM

Subject: Life Questions:

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread
do they think people are really gonna try to stuff
in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we washBATHtowels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if
you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff ! is placed? (Love this one)

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout
the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly! ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

trinamick

01-06-2004, 12:40 PM

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas.
They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem
that contained the word. The word that they were
given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No
way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three
whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was
two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The redneck
won hands down!

zap

01-06-2004, 07:53 PM

Here's an (reportedly) actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA to his boss. His boss apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Letter of Resignation

Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground
squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems,and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never
understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary math still gives you too many
options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny
new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day,
shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on
overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would
be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like"Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of
recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

Sincerely
Jack Cook

trubador

01-06-2004, 09:18 PM

Originally posted by BillFrugge
... The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."
:whip: :whip: :whip: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

Johnsgirl727

01-06-2004, 10:28 PM

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

STARTING THIS MONTH! NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount of registration.

1. How to fill ice cube trays
Step by step with slide presentation

2. Toilet paper: Do they grow on the holders?
Roundtable discussion

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor
Practice sessions with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink or dishwasher?
Debate among panel of experts.

5. Loss of virility: Losing the remote control to your significant other
Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place, instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
Open forum.

7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health
Powerpoint presentation.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost
Real life testimonials.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

10. Living with adults: Basic differences between your mother and your wife
Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion
Relaxation exercises, meditaiton and breathing techniques.

12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late
Bring your calender or PDA to class.

13. Getting over it: Learning to live with being wrong all the time
Individulal counselors available.

grinner

01-07-2004, 05:00 AM

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie soda = 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million microphones = 1 phone

1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

grinner

01-07-2004, 03:44 PM

Michael Jackson has just commissioned his plastic surgeon to do just one
more operation.

His request to the surgeon was to do anything to keep people from
staring at his nose.

The doctor surprised Michael and came up with a solution.

Upon the viewing after the bandages were removed, all agreed that the
doctor was very creative and the operation was a huge success. Nobody
will look at his
nose again.

wait for it....

here is is... :D

who45

01-07-2004, 04:04 PM

:rollin:

grinner

01-07-2004, 04:05 PM

http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_bow.gif

who45

01-07-2004, 04:12 PM

Originally posted by grinner
http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_bow.gif http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_chuckle.gif

grinner

01-07-2004, 04:16 PM

Originally posted by who45
http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_chuckle.gif http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_dance.gif

who45

01-07-2004, 04:24 PM

Originally posted by grinner
http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_dance.gif

Gotta love that little guy,lol.

grinner

01-07-2004, 04:28 PM

Originally posted by who45
Gotta love that little guy,lol. yep...http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_evil_laugh.gif

BillFrugge

01-07-2004, 07:11 PM

What is this? The Whovian chapter of the Mutual Admiration Society?

:angelgrin

grinner

01-07-2004, 07:33 PM

any thread can and will turn into that eventually :D :ewink:

who45

01-07-2004, 08:00 PM

Originally posted by grinner
any thread can and will turn into that eventually :D :ewink: yep..http://jenkinsonline.net/Pics/smilies/icon_evil_laugh.gif

Mrelia

01-07-2004, 10:08 PM

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Scarran Raptor

01-08-2004, 01:12 AM

An out of work musician came across a want ad reading "Musician wanted for upcoming film" so he went to where the film was being made and spoke to the director "you're in charge of the music on this film" so the guy wrote the music for the film, when he handed the finished disc to the producer he got curious "where is this film playing?" he asked, the director said " I won't lie to you, this film's a porno and it's playing at one theater in town, here's the address" so the Musician went home, brought a wide-brimmed hat, some sunglasses and a trench coat and went to see the film, ducking into the theater he saw the film and it was the raunchiest thing he'd ever seen, every position, every fetish was on display, then suddenly a dog ran into the scene and began having it's way with the women. Repulsed the musician turned to see an elderly couple sitting nearby dressed like him, he leaned over and whispered "I'm not here for the movie, I just wrote the music" the woman leaned back and whispered "that's okay, we just came to see our dog"

JadedLegend3

01-08-2004, 08:21 AM

I have a couple...they're kinda religious, but still funny.

This little boy was really bad. He wanted a new bike, and his mother told him to write a letter to Jesus saying why he thought he deserved to get a new bike since he's been so bad.
So the kid writes his first letter. It says: Dear Jesus, I been a really good boy! You should give me a bike!
The kid thinks about it, and knows that's not really accurate, so he tries again: Dear Jesus, I've been a mostly good boy. I think I deserve a bike.
Still no good. Finally, he tries: Dear Jesus, I've been pretty good. Please send me a bike.
The kid realizes these just will not do. He sneaks out of his house and goes for a walk to find some inspiration. As he's walking, he sees the Catholic Cathedral. He thinks, "wow! Such a pretty church! I've got to be able to get some ideas there."
So he goes in and sits down in the front pew. He sees all the candles, and paintings, and alters. Then, he spies something. He leaps up, grabs it, and runs home.
Here's what he writes to Jesus: Dear Jesus, I got your momma. You ever want to see her again, you better give me a bike!!!

And the next one.

A little girl was sitting in her science class and her teacher was saying that despite the size of a whale, it could never swallow a human. The little girl raises her hand and says, "But Jonah was swallowed by a whale." And the teacher tells her that it's just not possible. Not satisfied, the girl says, "Well, when I get to heaven I'm going to ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by that whale." The teacher says to her, "And what if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" The little girls says, "Then you can ask him."

Jacqui :love:

Johnsgirl727

01-08-2004, 01:50 PM

Subject: Husband store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is
comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes
as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you
may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you
cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she
goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -
These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help
with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more
further up!" And again she heads up another flight

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help
with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further
on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 -
You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.