vhsiv
09-26-2003, 01:14 AM
snurched from Kansas (http://forums.scaperoute.com/kansas/index.php?board=20;action=display;threadid=9969;st art=0#msg124870)
Dork: Whew. This thing took longer than expected -It took hours, I?m not kidding hours. It's way too long, I'll trim it later- This is for Lobsteronmyhead. If it weren?t for you I wouldn?t have done anything even quasi-productive today.
--------------------------
Okay, before we get going it should be noted that I don?t write particularly well under pressure. And I only wrote this one because Lobster?s looking for it. Before the episode aired I was planning on pretending Archer was our beloved BabE Mr. Garibaldi, but the episode- ?Extinction?? seems to have provided me with something far more amusing.
WARNING: to keep from ticking any one off unnecessarily it should be said that this isn?t a particularly kind review-thingy. If you absolutely love ?Enterprise?, or more precisely, Archer I?d stay away if I were you. I?m not very kind to the good captain. It?s nothing against Scott Bakula, he?s a good actor, he?s just not captain material.
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This episode of Enterprise begins with it?s best teaser since the series premiere. It?s not fantastic, but closer to Trek?s average which, for enterprise is amazing progress. Remember that teaser where Mayweather?s just reading a book? If it weren?t Enterprise it would have been embarrassing, as it was it?s just sad. Yeah so, Fahrenheit 451 guys tracking down Dr. Zaius is a bit of an improvement.
Okay, brief run through of the first 5 minutes or so; The badies from Fahrenheit 451 saw Dr. Zaius on Guinan?s new talk show showing off his new book and, apparently, they weren?t too keen about it. Back on Enterprise Trip and T?Pol aren?t horny now but they understand that they might be in a few years. Couple that with character development being as rare on ?Enterprise? as replicator rations they continue with their ?therapy sessions? with the goal of killing two Archers with one transporter accid- sorry
For some bizarre reason, let?s call it ?the on set of insanity? to try to make things a little more interesting, Archer wants to stop by and have a look around on some random off limits planet. Actually, I don?t know why he wants to stop by. I have the eppy on tape, but come on, would you go back to check? In any event his proposed away team consists of The Captain, The Second in Command, The Ship?s Very Valuable Linguist, and Weapons? Officer who, for some odd reason over the past 3 seasons has gradually morphed into taking on the position of Chief of Security. But that doesn?t make it right. Years of watching Star Trek have muted my desire to throw my glass of cool, refreshing Mr. Pibb through the screen when these things happen. But it?s particularly irksome now. Where are the military guys in this episode anyway?
On Captain Archer?s away mission of illogic T?Pol staggers and through hazy eyes pulls back her sleeve to look at her skin as it shifts and morphs under the moon?s light. ?Oh, no,? she says, offering up a silent prayer to everything holy in Trek encyclopedia ?Not ?Resolutions*?, please not ?Resolutions?.?
The next thing T?Pol knows she?s waking up on the forest floor with regressed versions of Archer, Sato, and Malcom sniffing her hair and alternately hitting the top of her head with their fists.
//Play ?It?s Raining Men?,// says regressed Archer, from now on HeMan Dude68.
//What is it?// asks regressed Sato, from now on Sat-zilla.
//New I Pod// says Archer, giving T?Pol another whack over the head //It malfuncting// he grunts.
//I Pod got copyright protection, you should have buy new Creative Labs 6,000 gig Nomad Jukebox 47, has got good sound compared to other MP3 players// Sat-zilla suggests.
//No. Should got Clie palm handheld// says regressed Malcom, from now on Stinky.
HeMan Dude68 and Sat-zilla give Stinky a pitying look.
//What? It play MP3s// says Stinky defensively.
//Only with special sony Magic Gate Memory stick// says Sat-zilla.
//Even then not work all time// adds HeMan Dude68.
With just this one simple suggestion Stinky completely loses all pretence of respect within the group.
?Ow ow ow, stop! That?s not a toggle switch!? yells T?Pol.
Back on Enterprise Trip checks his watch. ?Mm-kay.? Trip leaves his post at engineering and goes up to the bridge. Straightening his shirt in a very captain-like way he sits in the Captain?s chair. Trip jabs at the comm. panel ?Trip to sickbay. Say, Doc, is this the 2nd or 3rd episode of the season??
?I?m not sure. In any case 20 replicator rations says the away mission?s been genetically altered in some way.?
?30 that they?ve been kidnapped,? says Mayweather from the helm.
?Any bets, Lt.?? Says Phlox from across the comm..
?Nah, I think I?ll sit this one out?
Back on the planet:
?. . .I could be handy mending a fuse, when your lights have gone, you can knit a sweater by the fireside. Sunday morning go for a drive. . .? T?Pol had to admit, it wasn?t dignified, but it was better than HeMan Dude68 looking for her toggle switch.
//I still say we trade her in for a Jukebox// says Sat-zilla
?. . .will you still need me, will you still feed me when I?m sixty-four . . .?
//Shut up, I like this song// says HeMan Dude68
Back on the ship a ship decloaks, or comes out of warp. You know I really don?t care.
?You have entered restricted space,? some guy from Stargate SG-1 tells Trip ?And your crew has been turned into American Idol fans?
?Yeah,? says Trip ?that sounds about right?
Back on the planet HeMan Dude68 wakes up //I had dream, wonderful dream.// he tells an eager Sat-zilla, //I kicked Captain Sheridan?s @$$ but good! And I got the cute alien girl//
T?Pol snorts, ?You wish?
//Oo! Oo!,// Archer directs this grunt towards Sat-zilla for some odd reason //We return her to Radio Shack tonight!//
//Oo! Oo!// Sat-zilla agrees, //then we get Jukebox!//
//Oo! Oo!//
T?Pol rolls her eyes ?I?m in hell?
In sickbay the Stargate man has just finished explaining the virus. Stinky, who the crew managed to capture while Sat-zilla and HeMan Dude68 weren?t looking is in decon.
?Let me see if I understand this. This species,? he says giving the barrier between sickbay and decon and thump ?lost the ability to breed from watching too much American Idol and so created a virus that would help them replenish the audience.?
Phlox coughed, but it sounded strikingly like he?d said ?Favorite Son?.
?Yes? the Stargate man says.
Trip gives the barrier another whack, inside Stinky has found a screw and is shoving it up his nose. ?This species.?
?It might have been their gods.? Offers Stargate man.
?Who are. . .?
?Studio heads?
Trip looks confused for a moment, then gets a look of revelation on his face ?You know what, doc that would explain a lot about this sho- ow!? Right at that moment one of Phlox?s creatures escaped and bit off a piece of his ear.
?The gods are vengeful? says Stargate man solemnly as Trip and Phlox try to keep him from bleeding on the carpet.
Back on the planet.
?Bum bum bum bum Mr. Sandman bring me a dream. . .?
//She?s broken!// screeches Sat-zilla, //she only plays oldies!//
//play ?Drrty?!// yells HeMan Dude68
//I saw sign earlier. Said Radio Shack//
?I?m telling you, there is no Radio Shack on this planet.?
Back on the ship: ?Mmm,? says one of the commandos watching ?Thank God it?s Friday. . .Again? ?Dominar Rygel, you can dominate my people anytime you like, oh yeah?
Uh, . . . anywho. . . huh, . . . tah, okay, hm, well we know where the commandos are, okay, moving right along. . .
Back on the bridge Trip?s doing some grade A panicking ?What if Archer usurps my love interest?! I?m too cute and country to be single!?
Phlox gives trip a look, ?Usurp??
?Just because I?m a country Trek character doesn?t mean I?m stupid.?
Back on the planet T?Pol is absolutely stunned, when upon turning a corner there is a Radio Shack in the middle of the forest.
HeMan Dude68 vainly pulls at the locked door. //No. . .no//
//they close// says Sat-zilla //they close//
T?Pol was seriously considering trying to get out of her 6 year contract.
From a little sign posted by the door HeMan Dude68 reads //store hour 9am to 10pm nooo, it 10:15, it 10:15// HeMan Dude68 desperately pathetically yanked at the door handle.
Right then to T?Pol?s infinite relief three guys from Enterprise materialized next to them ?Time to wrap it up. Audience attention span?s starting to wan,? one of them said
?Starting!?? cried T?Pol
?Ah, come on, T?Pol. Trying to save face here.?
?Starting!??
Finally everyone gets back on the ship, but the Stargate guy wants to kill them. But just before he does Archer walks unto the bridge //We cure virus good!// ?Uh, I mean, I?ve, like cured the virus and stuff.? The Stargate guy really just wanted to get some target practice in but it?s past Stargate guy?s bedtime so he leaves them alone.
Phlox tells Archer that he?s going to destroy the virus but Archer doesn?t want to destroy the virus, he wants to hang on to it as a secret weapon in case the Xindi can?t be made to see reaso- no, no, no, wait. That?s not what happened. Sorry, Dork seems to have slipped into one of her many happy places Bruce Boxleitner had been cast as Archer. ::stares off into space:: oh, sorry, I was just thinking about how he works his jaw muscles just before he belts someone. Mmm, good, lord that is hot. Come all, join Dork in her happy place #23.
*Resolutions - 2nd season VOY ep. Janeway and Chakotay are bitten by a bug and spend the next three months on a planet named New Earth alone, all alone with nothing but Chakotay?s unrequited love to keep them company.
- Dork
________
Zoloft pregnancy (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/zoloft/)
Dork: Whew. This thing took longer than expected -It took hours, I?m not kidding hours. It's way too long, I'll trim it later- This is for Lobsteronmyhead. If it weren?t for you I wouldn?t have done anything even quasi-productive today.
--------------------------
Okay, before we get going it should be noted that I don?t write particularly well under pressure. And I only wrote this one because Lobster?s looking for it. Before the episode aired I was planning on pretending Archer was our beloved BabE Mr. Garibaldi, but the episode- ?Extinction?? seems to have provided me with something far more amusing.
WARNING: to keep from ticking any one off unnecessarily it should be said that this isn?t a particularly kind review-thingy. If you absolutely love ?Enterprise?, or more precisely, Archer I?d stay away if I were you. I?m not very kind to the good captain. It?s nothing against Scott Bakula, he?s a good actor, he?s just not captain material.
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
P
A
C
E
This episode of Enterprise begins with it?s best teaser since the series premiere. It?s not fantastic, but closer to Trek?s average which, for enterprise is amazing progress. Remember that teaser where Mayweather?s just reading a book? If it weren?t Enterprise it would have been embarrassing, as it was it?s just sad. Yeah so, Fahrenheit 451 guys tracking down Dr. Zaius is a bit of an improvement.
Okay, brief run through of the first 5 minutes or so; The badies from Fahrenheit 451 saw Dr. Zaius on Guinan?s new talk show showing off his new book and, apparently, they weren?t too keen about it. Back on Enterprise Trip and T?Pol aren?t horny now but they understand that they might be in a few years. Couple that with character development being as rare on ?Enterprise? as replicator rations they continue with their ?therapy sessions? with the goal of killing two Archers with one transporter accid- sorry
For some bizarre reason, let?s call it ?the on set of insanity? to try to make things a little more interesting, Archer wants to stop by and have a look around on some random off limits planet. Actually, I don?t know why he wants to stop by. I have the eppy on tape, but come on, would you go back to check? In any event his proposed away team consists of The Captain, The Second in Command, The Ship?s Very Valuable Linguist, and Weapons? Officer who, for some odd reason over the past 3 seasons has gradually morphed into taking on the position of Chief of Security. But that doesn?t make it right. Years of watching Star Trek have muted my desire to throw my glass of cool, refreshing Mr. Pibb through the screen when these things happen. But it?s particularly irksome now. Where are the military guys in this episode anyway?
On Captain Archer?s away mission of illogic T?Pol staggers and through hazy eyes pulls back her sleeve to look at her skin as it shifts and morphs under the moon?s light. ?Oh, no,? she says, offering up a silent prayer to everything holy in Trek encyclopedia ?Not ?Resolutions*?, please not ?Resolutions?.?
The next thing T?Pol knows she?s waking up on the forest floor with regressed versions of Archer, Sato, and Malcom sniffing her hair and alternately hitting the top of her head with their fists.
//Play ?It?s Raining Men?,// says regressed Archer, from now on HeMan Dude68.
//What is it?// asks regressed Sato, from now on Sat-zilla.
//New I Pod// says Archer, giving T?Pol another whack over the head //It malfuncting// he grunts.
//I Pod got copyright protection, you should have buy new Creative Labs 6,000 gig Nomad Jukebox 47, has got good sound compared to other MP3 players// Sat-zilla suggests.
//No. Should got Clie palm handheld// says regressed Malcom, from now on Stinky.
HeMan Dude68 and Sat-zilla give Stinky a pitying look.
//What? It play MP3s// says Stinky defensively.
//Only with special sony Magic Gate Memory stick// says Sat-zilla.
//Even then not work all time// adds HeMan Dude68.
With just this one simple suggestion Stinky completely loses all pretence of respect within the group.
?Ow ow ow, stop! That?s not a toggle switch!? yells T?Pol.
Back on Enterprise Trip checks his watch. ?Mm-kay.? Trip leaves his post at engineering and goes up to the bridge. Straightening his shirt in a very captain-like way he sits in the Captain?s chair. Trip jabs at the comm. panel ?Trip to sickbay. Say, Doc, is this the 2nd or 3rd episode of the season??
?I?m not sure. In any case 20 replicator rations says the away mission?s been genetically altered in some way.?
?30 that they?ve been kidnapped,? says Mayweather from the helm.
?Any bets, Lt.?? Says Phlox from across the comm..
?Nah, I think I?ll sit this one out?
Back on the planet:
?. . .I could be handy mending a fuse, when your lights have gone, you can knit a sweater by the fireside. Sunday morning go for a drive. . .? T?Pol had to admit, it wasn?t dignified, but it was better than HeMan Dude68 looking for her toggle switch.
//I still say we trade her in for a Jukebox// says Sat-zilla
?. . .will you still need me, will you still feed me when I?m sixty-four . . .?
//Shut up, I like this song// says HeMan Dude68
Back on the ship a ship decloaks, or comes out of warp. You know I really don?t care.
?You have entered restricted space,? some guy from Stargate SG-1 tells Trip ?And your crew has been turned into American Idol fans?
?Yeah,? says Trip ?that sounds about right?
Back on the planet HeMan Dude68 wakes up //I had dream, wonderful dream.// he tells an eager Sat-zilla, //I kicked Captain Sheridan?s @$$ but good! And I got the cute alien girl//
T?Pol snorts, ?You wish?
//Oo! Oo!,// Archer directs this grunt towards Sat-zilla for some odd reason //We return her to Radio Shack tonight!//
//Oo! Oo!// Sat-zilla agrees, //then we get Jukebox!//
//Oo! Oo!//
T?Pol rolls her eyes ?I?m in hell?
In sickbay the Stargate man has just finished explaining the virus. Stinky, who the crew managed to capture while Sat-zilla and HeMan Dude68 weren?t looking is in decon.
?Let me see if I understand this. This species,? he says giving the barrier between sickbay and decon and thump ?lost the ability to breed from watching too much American Idol and so created a virus that would help them replenish the audience.?
Phlox coughed, but it sounded strikingly like he?d said ?Favorite Son?.
?Yes? the Stargate man says.
Trip gives the barrier another whack, inside Stinky has found a screw and is shoving it up his nose. ?This species.?
?It might have been their gods.? Offers Stargate man.
?Who are. . .?
?Studio heads?
Trip looks confused for a moment, then gets a look of revelation on his face ?You know what, doc that would explain a lot about this sho- ow!? Right at that moment one of Phlox?s creatures escaped and bit off a piece of his ear.
?The gods are vengeful? says Stargate man solemnly as Trip and Phlox try to keep him from bleeding on the carpet.
Back on the planet.
?Bum bum bum bum Mr. Sandman bring me a dream. . .?
//She?s broken!// screeches Sat-zilla, //she only plays oldies!//
//play ?Drrty?!// yells HeMan Dude68
//I saw sign earlier. Said Radio Shack//
?I?m telling you, there is no Radio Shack on this planet.?
Back on the ship: ?Mmm,? says one of the commandos watching ?Thank God it?s Friday. . .Again? ?Dominar Rygel, you can dominate my people anytime you like, oh yeah?
Uh, . . . anywho. . . huh, . . . tah, okay, hm, well we know where the commandos are, okay, moving right along. . .
Back on the bridge Trip?s doing some grade A panicking ?What if Archer usurps my love interest?! I?m too cute and country to be single!?
Phlox gives trip a look, ?Usurp??
?Just because I?m a country Trek character doesn?t mean I?m stupid.?
Back on the planet T?Pol is absolutely stunned, when upon turning a corner there is a Radio Shack in the middle of the forest.
HeMan Dude68 vainly pulls at the locked door. //No. . .no//
//they close// says Sat-zilla //they close//
T?Pol was seriously considering trying to get out of her 6 year contract.
From a little sign posted by the door HeMan Dude68 reads //store hour 9am to 10pm nooo, it 10:15, it 10:15// HeMan Dude68 desperately pathetically yanked at the door handle.
Right then to T?Pol?s infinite relief three guys from Enterprise materialized next to them ?Time to wrap it up. Audience attention span?s starting to wan,? one of them said
?Starting!?? cried T?Pol
?Ah, come on, T?Pol. Trying to save face here.?
?Starting!??
Finally everyone gets back on the ship, but the Stargate guy wants to kill them. But just before he does Archer walks unto the bridge //We cure virus good!// ?Uh, I mean, I?ve, like cured the virus and stuff.? The Stargate guy really just wanted to get some target practice in but it?s past Stargate guy?s bedtime so he leaves them alone.
Phlox tells Archer that he?s going to destroy the virus but Archer doesn?t want to destroy the virus, he wants to hang on to it as a secret weapon in case the Xindi can?t be made to see reaso- no, no, no, wait. That?s not what happened. Sorry, Dork seems to have slipped into one of her many happy places Bruce Boxleitner had been cast as Archer. ::stares off into space:: oh, sorry, I was just thinking about how he works his jaw muscles just before he belts someone. Mmm, good, lord that is hot. Come all, join Dork in her happy place #23.
*Resolutions - 2nd season VOY ep. Janeway and Chakotay are bitten by a bug and spend the next three months on a planet named New Earth alone, all alone with nothing but Chakotay?s unrequited love to keep them company.
- Dork
________
Zoloft pregnancy (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/zoloft/)