No one expects the PK Inquisition!

[Ouroboros]

Yes that right folks according to dialog from Relativity the Peacekeepers have an Inquisition, nicely rounding out their claim as one of the cuddliest civilizations in science fiction.

The Colartas approach their helpless prey.

VEK:
Ah... Captain Bialar Crais... or should I say, 'former' Captain Crais? Do you have any idea how many Inquisitors want you back in High Command?

Now as I understand it historically an Inquisition hunted out religious offenders and tortured confessions out of them but the PKs don't have religion so what does their Inquisition do?

I've got some ideas of my own but I'm interested to hear some of your thoughts.

[Jeff O'Connor]

They probably would oust him from command and either execute him publically or send him to a penal colony?

[Ouroboros]

I was wondering more about the general role of an Inquisition in the PKs not necessarily what they'd do to our old buddy Bialar. For the record I'd imagine it would be a good deal worse than public execution or a penal colony. Are you familiar at all with the typical actions of the real Inquisition?

[Jeff O'Connor]

Yeah, I am... terrible things... but yes, I realize now what you meant, and ouch... I would imagine it would be held before the High Council, with the Inquisitors serving as the "plaintiff lawyers" that are working for themselves in realization, and would be a very Aurora Chair-ish interrogation despite the obvious lack of an Aurora Chair?

[norweigan_scaper]

i am almost certain that the term inquisition, as used here is used to describe those who deal with the deviants of peacekeeper laws and codes of behaviour, obviously Crais' involvement with non-humans, stealing of PK property etc would make him a candidate for these inquisitors. I'm sure that they are concerned in finding out how to repare the damage he may have done to the peacekeeper way of life and making an example of him, in the sense that he is a heretic to the PK "faith"

NS

[SabaceanBabe]

O, that is one of the all-time best thread titles I've seen! :rollin:

I'm thinking the PK Inquisition (you can't torquemada anything) deals with things like determinations of irreversible (irrevocable?) contamination, deviant PK behaviour (such as, say, having a child out of love rather than following the breeding program), that sort of thing.

I'm thinking Xhalax's and Talyn's punishment came down from the Inquisitors. I also think that Velorek was turned over to them for judgement. Crais and Aeryn both would've gone to them.

I'll have to work on this idea a bit more. Could make for a good fic.

[abbadon]

" cardinal Fang fetch.....the comfy chair.....oops I mean Aurora chair...."

[Darth Buddha]

One: Interrogate the Hell out of him. Discover all he's done throughout his career. Use this to draw up the charges against him -- choosing or manufacturing those that will provide the best morality play. Round up all friends, family, former lovers, and the like. Interro-torture them too, just for fun.

Two: Break him to the point that he tapes his own confession to all crimes, true or false. Get him to name all co-consipirators, real or imagined, on tape. Hopefully other members of the officer core or even High Command can be named... after all, gotta keep HC off balance too.

Three: Conduct a kangaroo court trial. Tape this... the decision of whether to make this public or not is up to the High Inquisitor. Nail his friends/family/lovers/allies too.

Four: Execute him in a lingering, painful, excruciating fashion. Tape this as well. Use executions of others already named above as a pre-show warm-up.

Think Spanish Inquistion meets Gestapho.

[Otto the Mild]

Originally posted by abbadon
" cardinal Fang fetch.....the comfy chair.....oops I mean Aurora chair...."

"Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise. Our TWO chief weapons are fear and surprise and a fanatical devotion to Commandante Grayza. AMONGST our weaponry are, fear, surprise, fanatical devotion to Grayza, and nice little black leather uniforms that...doh! Cardinal Fang, you'll have to list the weapons..."

[sny]

Originally posted by Jeff O'Connor
They probably would oust him from command and either execute him publically or send him to a penal colony?

And poke him with soft cushions with all the stuffing down at one end? The humanity!

(Is it just me, or am I seeing a lot of Monty Python references lately? Not that it's a bad thing...)

[NYPinTA]

Originally posted by Darth Buddha
One: Interrogate the Hell out of him. Discover all he's done throughout his career. Use this to draw up the charges against him -- choosing or manufacturing those that will provide the best morality play. Round up all friends, family, former lovers, and the like. Interro-torture them too, just for fun.

Two: Break him to the point that he tapes his own confession to all crimes, true or false. Get him to name all co-consipirators, real or imagined, on tape. Hopefully other members of the officer core or even High Command can be named... after all, gotta keep HC off balance too.

Three: Conduct a kangaroo court trial. Tape this... the decision of whether to make this public or not is up to the High Inquisitor. Nail his friends/family/lovers/allies too.

Four: Execute him in a lingering, painful, excruciating fashion. Tape this as well. Use executions of others already named above as a pre-show warm-up.

Think Spanish Inquistion meets Gestapho.

Wow... remind me not to piss you off! :lol

[rinnicbob]

Show trail. Nazi, or Stalin-esque style. Lots of state witnesses, veracity not necessary, lots of damning evidence, true or not, a couple days of "deliberation", followed by a guilty verdict and a very public execution.

All the while the accused is drug in and out of the hearings in chains, and "encouraged" to confess their obvious guilt, by gentle guards with a collective IQ of 50.
:whip:

Love the Monty Python references, by the way.

[Digger]

Braca: Trouble at the Gammek Base .
Scorpius: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Braca: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Scorpius: Pardon?
Braca: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Scorpius: I don't understand what you're saying.
Braca: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
Scorpius: Well what on earth does that mean?
Braca: *I* don't know – Captain Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the Gammek Base, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of PK Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]
[The door flies open and Captain Bilar Crais enters, flanked by two junior officers. Lieutenant Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Lietenaant Fang is just Lietenent Fang]
Crais: NOBODY expects the PK Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to Peacekeeper High Command.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
[The Inquisition exits]
Braca: I didn't expect a kind of PK Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The PK officers burst in]
Crais: NOBODY expects the PK Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Peacekeepr High Command, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
[To officer Biggles] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Crais: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...
[Crais bundles the officers outside again]
Braca: I didn't expect a kind of PK Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The PK officers enter]
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Crais: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the PK...um...
Crais: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the PK Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Crais: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Crais: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Crais: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. officer, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the PeaceKeeper High Command. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough.
[To Scorpius] Now, how do you plead?
Scorpius: We're innocent.
Crais: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!
[DIABOLICAL ACTING]
Crais: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, officer Biggles -- the rack!
[Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Crais looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]
Crais: You....Right! Tie him down.
[Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie him on to the drying rack]
Crais:Right! How do you plead?
Scorpius: Innocent.
Crais: Ha! Right! Officer, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.
[Biggles stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]
Biggles: I....
Crais: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Crais: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Crais: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
[Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]
[Cut to them torturing Mele-On Grayza]
Crais: Now, woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Grayza: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Crais: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]
Biggles: Here they are, Captain.
Crais: Now, woman -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Grayza: I don't know what you're talking about.
Crais: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Oficer! Poke him with the soft cushions!
[Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]
Crais: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, Captain.
Crais: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, Captain.
Crais [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Officer Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]
Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?
[Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]
Crais: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
[They roughly push him into the Comfy Chair]
Crais [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, Captain.
Crais: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman!. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Biggles: I confess!
Crais: Not you!

[Otto the Mild]

Originally posted by Digger
Braca: Trouble at the Gammek Base .
Scorpius: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Braca: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Scorpius: Pardon?
Braca: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.


You know your Python, but answer me these questions three:
1. What did Mr. Pither ride?
2. What dessert attempted to conquer the Earth so that they could win at Wimbledon?
3. What did Dennis Moore steal from the rich?
:rollin:

[Digger]

Originally posted by Otto the Mild
You know your Python, but answer me these questions three:
1. What did Mr. Pither ride?
2. What dessert attempted to conquer the Earth so that they could win at Wimbledon?
3. What did Dennis Moore steal from the rich?
:rollin: First of all, you don't think I did that from memory, do you? Oh, sure once there was a time I could recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail line for line, as well as the SPAM sketch and the Dead Parrot (This is and Ex-Parrot!) sketch. But no longer. I happened to have found the Inquisition sketch some time ago and saved it.

Now, as for the 3 questions.

MR Pither was riding a bycycle (ok, I didn't remember until I saw the new thread you started).
The dessert was ........... I forget.
Dennis Moore took everything, even their clothes.


And that's about how well I'd do at Python trivia nowadays. I'd remember about 1 in 3 things.

Now, what episode featured the deadliest joke in the world?

[sny]

Originally posted by Digger
The dessert was ........... I forget.
Dennis Moore took everything, even their clothes.

Now, what episode featured the deadliest joke in the world?

The dessert was a Blancmange, basically French for a big poofy meringue of sorts, and Dennis Moore initially specialized in stealing lupins. The flowers.

The first episode featured the world's deadliest joke. Frighteningly enough, all from memory. (Own the series DVDs.)

Quick, which well-known band was named after a Monty Python (audio) skit? Eric Idle claims he nearly drove off the highway after hearing them on the radio the first time.

[Digger]

Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Why was there no Camenbert (sp) Dheese?

[rinnicbob]

1. A Bicycle
2. A Blancmonge
3. Lupins

OK, who was Sir Lancelot's "horse"?
And, King Arthur's?
And just what the hell is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, anyway?

[Digger]

OK, who was Sir Lancelot's "horse"? Condord. (Sweet Concord)
And, King Arthur's? Damn, I should know that!
And just what the hell is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, anyway? Do you really want an answer to that. After all, what does it matter when Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

[sny]

King Arthur's horse was Patsy. He and his giant pack are sitting on my office desk right now, coconuts and all.

Which knight is the first to snuff it at the jaws of the Killer Rabbit?

[rinnicbob]

Alas, it was poor Bors.

As for the Camembert, I can't remember. All I can remember from that sketch is the "runny" cheddar.

Gotta go, guys, it's been a blast. Don't let some moistened bink lob a scimitar at you!

[Darth Buddha]

I now declare this thread irrevocably OT.

[gliadrachan]

Originally posted by norweigan_scaper
i am almost certain that the term inquisition, as used here is used to describe those who deal with the deviants of peacekeeper laws and codes of behaviour, obviously Crais' involvement with non-humans, stealing of PK property etc would make him a candidate for these inquisitors. I'm sure that they are concerned in finding out how to repare the damage he may have done to the peacekeeper way of life and making an example of him, in the sense that he is a heretic to the PK "faith"

NS

Agreed, and remember that we, as the audience, are presumed to be hearing the PK's words as though they were being translated by microbes. So while Inquisitors is a familiar term to humanity, it may only be an approximate translation to the PK's meaning.

The "Inquisitors" may simply be those responsible for enforcing genetic purity, a secret police of sorts, rather than hunting for religious adherence.

[Ouroboros]

Oow look I created group insanity, yay!

I pretty much agree with Buddah's assesment though I think it would also have a sort of 1984 element to it as well. Remember at the end of the book when Winston was tortured into loving big brother before he was executed. I'd bet that would be the Inquisition's ultimate goal with a traitor. You put him on TV so he can tell everyone how sorry and wrong he was and beg for absolution. You break his mind and will so badly he actually believes the dren he's saying. After the groveling has gone on long enough he is given the Inquisition's mercy and absolution in pulse blast form while everyone watches.

I also shudder to think of the kind of torture devices they could come up with with their technological level.

[sny]

Originally posted by Darth Buddha
I now declare this thread irrevocably OT.

Nah, it just shows that Monty Python is relevant to everything. (I once swore you could relate everything back to Monty Python. And I'm having a problem proving myself wrong...)

Still cracks me up when I think of John referring to Chi as his "loyal servant Patsy" in the game world.

Dragging myself somewhat back on topic, yeah, I'd have to agree that it wouldn't be much of an inquisition. More of a "We'll get you to admit you're wrong, beg for forgiveness, then we'll string you along through space behind a prowler without a spacesuit." sort of thing. Or destroy you one tiny molecule at a time. Or make you kiss Scorpy-Sue. Or something like that. Whatever it is, it wouldn't be pretty. The Aurora chair sure wasn't. I mean, I even felt sorry for Crais when he was being Shake 'n' Baked in that thing. (Not that I don't think he well and truly deserved it, but, still. Lani Tupu just does very good tortured screaming.)