just wondering, anyone ever contemplated suicide? [Archive]

Jeff O'Connor

05-07-2004, 04:31 PM

because... I know none of you know me or anything, but I have contemplated the idea today... I know, I must sound like a pusy, but my soul light has been eclipsed today, and I realy have no idea what else to do... I am now wifeless, jobless and simply not knowing what the future holds, or if I even have one, to top it all, I am now told by the doctor that I have a mysterious thing growing in my head, and that I need to get ready for a ton of tests... and possible surgery... I don't understand how can this be fair? i am not a bad person, I go to church on sundays, never stole, or did something against the law, and now I am possibly condemned to die? why is this happening to me? where did I go wrong?

First of all, I could be shunned for saying this but I'm agnostic at best; I still don't think I'm "bad" though. Not that it had any relovence to do with anything... I'm just a royal pain in the eema when people say things like that, sorry, no offense, really.

But to answer, yes. Yes, I have contemplated suicide, several times in the past. It wasn't terribly severe but once - well, not to say that the concept is ever exactly light-hearted, but you know what I mean. I was just very confused. I've been confused throughout most of my life. I don't have what conventional wisdom dictates to be a particularly "normal" life, so it happens. And people are confused all the time. People aren't always thinking about killing themselves, but they can be confused, very confused. I've been there. I'm still there. Sometimes I tell myself, "it's not fair that I'm 16 years old and have to spend every last bit of income I make on survival, I want a car, I want to be able to go to the movies, I want more than ramen and Sierra Mist." Then I slap myself in the face with some sort of reminder that life is beautiful nevertheless. I write. I love writing. I'm a Scaper. I love Farscape. I sing and rock, I love singing, and I love rock. These things, these things that mitigate me, that keep me at bay... they make me smile, and as long as I know that they exist, on one level or another, I'm still here.

Antrobus

05-07-2004, 04:33 PM

Life isn't fair. It's a sobering truth that many have to face.

However, suicide isn't the answer. Please put it out of your mind!! I knew someone who committed suicide and I can understand where that feeling comes from.

But out of love of self and respect of self, please don't do anything that's self-destructive. There are people ready and able to help you. Call a Crisis Center hotline if you have to!

grinner

05-07-2004, 04:34 PM

Suicide is final. There is nothing in your world that you can't change... other than death. You say you go to church, I would have a conversation with your pastor. If you were to suicide, that's it. There are no other options available. I am sorry that things aren't going well for you... and this may seem to shiny happy... but... everyday brings something new. I almost killed myself 10 years ago. I literally was probably moments from killing myself. I had the gun. the bullet that I wrote my name on. It was because a girl I was in 'love' with cheated on me. But you know what... if I killed myself... what does that really change? Nothing. sure everyone is sad... but... you're gone. finished. over. as long as you have life... there is the option for something better.

Antrobus

05-07-2004, 04:37 PM

These things, these things that mitigate me, that keep me at bay... they make me smile, and as long as I know that they exist, on one level or another, I'm still here.

Very wise thoughts for someone only 16! This comes from someone that has 31 years on you!

Jeff O'Connor

05-07-2004, 04:41 PM

Very wise thoughts for someone only 16! This comes from someone that has 31 years on you!

Experience leads to realization. :aok:

Jul

05-07-2004, 04:53 PM

because... I know none of you know me or anything, but I have contemplated the idea today... I know, I must sound like a pusy, but my soul light has been eclipsed today, and I realy have no idea what else to do... I am now wifeless, jobless and simply not knowing what the future holds, or if I even have one, to top it all, I am now told by the doctor that I have a mysterious thing growing in my head, and that I need to get ready for a ton of tests... and possible surgery... I don't understand how can this be fair? i am not a bad person, I go to church on sundays, never stole, or did something against the law, and now I am possibly condemned to die? why is this happening to me? where did I go wrong?

I don't think you sound like a pussy at all. I think you sound like somebody who has been through a lot and is looking at a precipce and is admitting that the thought has come to him. It takes a very strong person to admit that they've had the thought of suicide, and it's because you're in a place where it's very hard to see the light from the dark. But the light is there... I'm very glad that you posted here, even if it was just to reach out to others.

I can't give you a reason as to why it's happening to you. I don't know you, but more than likely you did nothing wrong. Sometimes things just happen, and it's not fair and each of us has to deal with what comes. Sometimes dealing with the bad stuff is hard, especially when we get bad news, or inconclusive news that is very scary to handle, especially the possiblity of death. Do you have anybody to help you through this scary time?

Even with the kind of thoughts of, "why should I bother, I may die", at some point we're all going to die, the question is when. Do you want to beat life to the punch and possibly waste the time you have in this world - which may be 20 - 40 more years - because you're so scared right now at what might be and can't tolerate waiting for the answer of what is? or do you want to live each day to the fullest no matter how many days you may have left in the world? you seem to be at a point now where you can have a completely new beginning in your life, although its a very hard thing to see in the midst of all the pain, saddness, doubt, and fear you have right now.

I have a couple of numbers for you to call so you can talk to somebody. Please call them, they open in about 2 hours: 312-996-5535, they're in your area. If not, call this national number: 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433), they're open 24 hours a day...

Shipscat

05-07-2004, 05:05 PM

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This will pass, as all things do. Just because you can't see the future right now doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, and that it can't hold good things for you. I can't tell you how much I've felt trapped in my life at times, but if I think about all the really incredibly wonderful events and people I would have missed had I taken my life as a way out, it makes me terribly sad.

Of course you aren't a bad person, sometimes fate just screws you over in the small print. Life is not fair. It can really suck. But just hang in there, because it will get easier. And the next time it gets hard, you'll know you can get through it and it won't be as scary.

Find something to look forward to tomorrow..and someone that you would miss, and go out and do that thing or see that person, no matter if it's too indulgent..and do the same thing for the next day, and the next, and before you know it you won't have to push yourself to find something to live for.

And besides that, you have to stick around! You don't want to miss the miniseries!

VBKatLou

05-07-2004, 05:05 PM

I don't know you evilnos_unholy. But the things you listed going on in your life are in the top ten things that cause extreme stress. Usually people are going through maybe one of those things at a time and you're dealing with three. Feel free to come here cos we'll listen, but take the advise about talking to others, be it a pastor, a hot-line or even check into free resources within your community. Talking to people who can look at your situation objectively will help you deal and move past what's happening to you right now.

And know that you'll be in my thoughts.

vacantlook

05-07-2004, 05:06 PM

Yes, I've contemplated trying to kill myself several times. I came pretty close to trying a couple of times: sitting staring at an entire bottle's worth of pills in my hands. I'm glad I was able to be hit by momentary moments of clarity to throw the bottle of pills in the back of a desk drawer and go into another room of the house as far away from them as I could or flush the pills down the toilet. That never stopped me from doing non-death-threatening harm to my body though.

I got to the point where I had to deal with my sexuality. I had always been taught being gay was evil. That's what people, especially my church, had said. Like anyone who goes through puberty, I started noticing people sexually. I had always dismissed any bit of attraction to guys that I had as nothing. But I eventually got to a point where I couldn't keep dismissing it and denying it anymore.

I spent many nights crying in bed. I prayed every single day for a year or more that God would make me straight. I didn't want to be evil. But the attraction never went away no matter how much I prayed. So, I started to physically harm myself in an attempt to try to force myself to stop being attracted to guys. It never worked. So, I started to believe that God hated me so much for my being attracted to guys that he had turned his back on me. And since I couldn't make myself not be attracted to them, I concluded that I was just inherently evil. And I considered killing myself to prevent something evil from living. I believed I belonged in hell, and since I was going to end up there after I died whenever, I might as well hurry the process along.

Thankfully, I had my ex-girlfriend and now best friend, who was the first person I ever heard say that they didn't believe God hated gay people. Since I valued her opinion and trusted her greatly, I started wondering that if she could believe that in contrast to what I had always heard growing up about God hating gay people, what other beliefs did I have that could be wrong. Her simple act of support and compassion promted me to begin questioning everything I had once believed. I am now no where near the person I once was, thanks to her. I think she, though perhaps indirectly, saved my life.

BrowderChick

05-07-2004, 05:10 PM

My best friend killd himself about 12 years ago. I am still haunted by this. I cant even bring myself to visit the cemetery that he is in. By doing what he did was a final door so to speak in a part of MY life as well as his. If you chose to have these thoughts please also think of those you leave behind to suffer for what you have done. Things in life happen for a reason. I dont know what that reason is but there is always going to be a positive outcome. It might not be tomorrow or next week but something positive will happen. You may not realize that you have friends to talk to. But you do. I dont think there is anything in the world that could be bad enough to do that to your self and to all of those around you. Remember that you may think you are only ending your life....In reality you are also taking a part of someone elses with you. Its the ones left to pick up the pieces are the ones that suffer even worse. For what ever reason the doctors want you to go through these tests....DO IT. We are all here for you if you want to talk about things. If not on the board then in PM. And also remember that you are not alone. You are never alone. Not today, tomorrow or the next day. Someone will always be there to talk to. :hug:

grinner

05-07-2004, 05:11 PM

"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!"

-Abraham Lincoln

Dutch

05-07-2004, 05:20 PM

Dude, my youngest brother died from lung cancer this past monday. Everyone is distraught. He was the best person I've ever known and he didn't smoke. He could have done nothing to merit dying of cancer.

If you kill yourself, your family and friends will always wonder what they should have done differently so you didn't feel so hopeless. They will always wonder if there were signs they missed. They will miss you so much it hurts, especially at holidays and your birthday.

Ask your doctor for help. Tell him or her what you told us. Do it. I can attest that life is not fair. But you should know that things can get better. Call your doc or the suicide hotline and tell them. No excuses.

BrowderChick

05-07-2004, 05:26 PM

:hug:

vacantlook

05-07-2004, 05:27 PM

I'm trying to approach this sensitively.... Telling myself to not kill myself because of it causing other people suffering, while partially preventing me from killing myself out of feeling that it would only be yet another way for me to be nothing but a disappointment to everyone, seriously erroded my self-esteem beyond what little there was there before. It became a self-feeding cycle: I hated myself for hating myself. So, I'd have to say that realizing while there may be few people who appreciate you still means you have some people who appreciate you is a good thing and helps fight off suicidal thoughts, spending time on end thinking about how suicide could be a source of suffering for those around you will only serve to degrade your sense of self-worth further.

BrowderChick

05-07-2004, 05:37 PM

Its those of us left behind that suffer for it even more. You may not realize it but there is always someone out there who loves you for the person you are. You just need to open your eyes and your heart to see that. I just wish I was there that day for Jim. He gave no indication of what he was doing and going to do. In fact it took 3 days to find him. :cry2:

Spedoinkel

05-07-2004, 05:42 PM

I've contimplated suicide many times and still do from time to time. That and my very strong urges for random homicide are things that I have to deal with, but have never been able to actually accomplish. You should find more people, closer to you, to talk about this, including your pastor. But you might also want to consider if this religion or any is actually helping you with life, and not going just because you feel obligated.
I've been dealing with these issuse for the past about eleven years, since I was about eleven....I try to find things that make me happy. Like writing, and music which have kept me going through alot. I ofter feel meloncolly I know that my mood can rub off on others, and making my friends sad doesn't help me. And when it gets too bad, reading Johhny the Homicidal Manic and Squee make me feel better. Odd huh.

I might not have good advice, but you should know that you can get through this, if you really want too. find something that makes you happy, and hold onto it. It can lead you to better things.

I don't have a right to tell you how to live, or even to live. It is not my place. but good decent people are hard to come by. Don't live for yourself live for others.

StarsGoBlue

05-07-2004, 05:42 PM

evilnos, no one can truly understand the pain you are in except you. But, there are people who want to help, people who want to listen, people who can help you work through the pain, day by day, step by step, until one day it's not so hard.

By posting here, you're asking us to help you. We're telling you that we care, that we think you should look to others for help, to lean on your friends and professionals until you can face your life's burdens again. You aren't alone. But you can get through this, if you accept the help of those around you.

Do you have a friend, a family member, your priest or pastor, a teacher, someone to talk to? Does your work or employer have an assistance program with counseling? If so, let them know you need someone to talk with. If not, use those numbers that Jul posted for you.

Chin up, take it one minute at a time. Let us know how things go. :hug:

Spedoinkel

05-07-2004, 05:59 PM

Opps Double post.

DRD2001

05-07-2004, 06:19 PM

Here is a little sharing on my part.

I'm a good girl. Never did drugs. Didn't party. Respectful to my parents. Went to school. Got a BA, then an MBA. Always worked. Always supported myself. And I always did what everyone expected me to do. Even if I didn't really want to do it. Driving into work, I started thinking about driving off an overpass. I'd cry for little or no reason. I hated everything about my life. I hated it all. If I had a gun, I certainly would have come close to using it. I had a really bad depression, and my personality type only made things worse. I tended to tap into the emotions of anger and sorrow easier than happiness or joy. In my eyes, I had nothing to live for, except my 3 cats.

I got counseling. Because of my low income, it was prorated to what I could afford, even if it meant nothing. My counselor put me on Zoloft for 3 months, just to help me start changing my outlook. I remember feeling good. Feeling happy. We then spent over a year in counseling dealing with everything else. Counseling does work, if you let it. If one counselor doesn't seem to help, then get another.

The most important thing I learned was to get up, get moving and get out. Meet new people, go to meetings, start new hobbies, start walking or biking. Be more physical. Get some sunshine. Hook up with the Chicago Scapers. Go to a sci-fi convention. If you've never been, they can be a real hoot. Volunteer your time to a charity. There are a lot of service men who would love to get a letter from someone. But if you sit and let this consume you, it will.

Jeff O'Connor

05-07-2004, 06:24 PM

Very well-spoken, DRD2001. I happen to actually be on Zoloft myself, too. 50 milligrams, yes, but it still can do its job. I've had it for a few months now, actually.

who45

05-07-2004, 06:35 PM

I'm probably repeating pretty much what everyone else has said, but please know that no matter how dark things seem, killing yourself is never the answer. Life is too precious to waste that way. Life is a gift and has much more to offer for you. You don't have to go thru this alone. :hug:

marandken

05-07-2004, 06:37 PM

I had serious thoughts about this about 14 years ago. I was alone in a hotel in Singapore and things seemed pretty useless. But, I did think it thru and ultimately decided that I wouldn't know how things would turn out if I ended it at that time. Since then, things have turned around; I made some decisions to get away from the people who were leading me into dispair and re-orient my values and priorities.

evilnos_unholy

05-07-2004, 07:09 PM

I am thankful for all these posts, I am still here, I ... well... I believe this is the lowest I have ever felt, I had huge fight today with my wife and she packed up some things and left before I had a chance to tell her about the results from the doctor, so she does not know this yet, you see I think it's my fault she took off, maybe I could have been more attentive, and perhaps she wouldn't have to resort to finding love elsewhere, I don't know... later I went back to work and well i had a terrible incident there, in which I knocked over a water fountain in an argument with my boss, so she told me to grab my stuff and go home... so I did, only to find that by the time I got back my clips and box of ammo for the pistols and the shells from the shotgun had dissapeared, so only one person could have done this... there was a note on a sticky on the fridge that says:

"I took them, I don't even know why I came back and did it please don't call me I realy don't want to talk to you right now you make me sick you loser"

I can see why she now thinks I'm a loser, today was the first time in all the time she has known me that I teared up as soon as we started to fight, I did not beg her to stay, because I was simply furious and betrayed, but I think I should have.

so I have sat here with my guitar and my keyboard since... and getting on the PC looking for answers to the thing that has taken hold of part of my head... my parents are coming in in about an hour or so.

AgentSun

05-07-2004, 07:26 PM

i don't know what to say or if there is anything i could say, but i can offer this. there are a lot of times where we feel alone and desperate for someone to help us or to tell us things will be all right. the thing is, until we tell ourselves and believe that things will be all right, other people telling us over and over probably won't help. you have to believe that you will be fine and that the world holds better things for you.

do you play guitar? writing can give solace. if you like playing guitar, write down your feelings and write songs. i know a few people who have dealt with life's hardest fastballs, but were it not for their art or music or love for writing, they would not still be here. while life brings pain, it will also bring happiness. you have to believe that it will bring happiness. and meanwhile, you can help yourself by contacting those numbers everyone has listed, talking to your pastor, talking to people you trust. we are all here to support you, believe that. you can pull yourself out of this rut though. just believe that you can and try.

VBKatLou

05-07-2004, 07:27 PM

OK. So you hit rock bottom. That's OK. It's just temporary. Just hang in there till your parents get there. Be strong. So are you playing the guitar?

harveywhispers

05-07-2004, 08:08 PM

wow....

I found myself in a really destructive phase about five years ago, in a time when I was really attempting to "find" who I was. While one wouldn't necessarily call it suicide, the final effect would have ended with me being gone in this world. I was/am the full combo platter of an anorexic and bulemic in one body, and I hit a point at which I had a choice of turning my life around or starving myself to death. My life was incredibly unhappy, at that point, and had it just been myself involved.....I don't know if I would have made the choice to turn things around. I did have reasons to live, and none were of a romantic nature. Actually, I decided to stick around for the single best friend I think I will ever have in my life.....my brother.......It hit me like a ton of bricks that I just couldn't leave him to pick up the pieces.....I had to get help....I found it within the medical profession.

There is help out there....there are reasons (people) that you should fight to stay alive.

gurnemanz

05-07-2004, 10:08 PM

Dude, keep hangin'. The Reaper doesn't need your help, and his union gets really shirty about non-members getting into the act. Complaints, sanctions, nastygrams, loss of library privileges . . . definitely not worth the trouble.

Sounds like you've had a horrible day. The odds are good that tomorrow will not be as horrible.

You're in Chicago? I grew up there. Wolfie's Hot Dogs . . . I've been gone too long, I can't remember what street it's on, but, man, a Chicago hot dog . . . one of humankind's great accomplishments. Enjoy! Grant Park should be in full bloom - Enjoy! You have a family? Enjoy! You play guitar? You write music? Great - Enjoy!

I'm with Jul - it was brave of you to step forward and speak about all this. Three good friends took their own lives all in the space of one year, back in Arlington Heights - and somehow I doubt it brought them peace. If they'd spoken up, like you have, there could have been a lot more beauty in this world. They all brought beauty to life, as people and as artists.

Stay in touch, guy.

Antrobus

05-07-2004, 10:29 PM

my parents are coming in in about an hour or so

I'm glad to hear that you won't be alone.

Remember that being critical of yourself will do you no good - especially if you let that criticism take over your whole being. It's OK to forgive yourself. We often lose sight of that fact and instead fill ourselves with shame and disdain.

You've had a bad day in what seems to be a bad string of days. Cut yourself a little slack. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't let others define you. Just because someone says that you're "a loser" does not mean that you are.

Judith

05-07-2004, 10:33 PM

You said your parents are coming to see you. I am so glad you aren't going to be alone. I hope you consider telling them how you feel.

Please call the numbers Jul gave you. See a counselor if you can.

I'm thinking of you and I hope you're okay. I agree with what others said...it takes a lot to ask for help. It's one of the hardest things in the world. You did it though. Now you can take the next step and talk to your parents or call a crises center. Because you've already done this once.

And we'll be here too.

:Hugs:

Zantar

05-07-2004, 10:46 PM

Life in many ways can be a very horrible thing. Horrible things happen to good people that seem to have no meaning to it. The bad get away, the good get punished. Generally just a horrible mess.

However, those things can change. We are given one beautiful gift in life and that is the gift of choice. Life affords us the choice to keep on fighting, even when things look like hell. What i am trying to say here is that right now it may seem like life is over but it is not. You still have that wonderful gift of choice. You can still fight on. That my friend is one thing we can always fall back on.

You might ask how does one fight on if there seems to be everything fighting agaisnt them. I would then answer is that it is not everything fighting agaisnt you. Bad things have happended, but the end of yoru life has not been reached quite yet. You can still make use of it, and you should use it while you can. The thing is time is so precious that we need to cherish every momment. So please...do not lead to suicide. I have thought about that road to and it just wont solve your problem.

Some quotes i have always found inspirational:

Rise up; uncover that afflicted head and look on us. This is courage in a man: to be
unflinchingly what heaven sends.
Theseus, in Euripides Heracles

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

?I am now seventy-eight years old, and have seen so many things during my lifetime. So many young people have died, so many people of my own age have died, so many old people have died. So many people that were high up have become low. So many people that were low have risen to high up. So many countries have changed. There has been so much turmoil and tragedy, so many ways, and plagues, so much terrible destruction all over the world. And yet all these changes are no more real than a dream. When you look deeply, you realize there is nothing that is permanent and constant, nothing, not even the tiniest hair on your body. And this is not a theory, but something you can actually come to know and realize and see, even, withyour very own eyes.?
Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche.

Some quotes to cheer you up:

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
Douglas Noel Adams (b. 1952), British author, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Zantar

05-07-2004, 10:48 PM

Hmm i wrote up a response that seems to have been deleted.

Anyway life is precious my friend. Every momment we are given here is a blessing, and we cannot throw those away. Just need to hold onto it, and please use this place to vent all you can. I dont think i am alone when i say the scaper community is here for ya.

Judith

05-08-2004, 12:32 PM

Hey,

I was just wondering how you were doing today. Let us know when you get a chance.

We're thinking about you.

Third EYe

05-08-2004, 01:04 PM

I was wondering too. Been praying for you.

Clarsax

05-08-2004, 01:25 PM

Hang in there evilnos_unholy! :hug: You've got a whole community to talk to whenever you need it. A lot of people here have been where you are. Just remember that you're not alone. I'll keep you in my prayers, that things will work out for you and start getting better. :hugz:

NYPinTA

05-08-2004, 01:52 PM

I don't have anything wise to say that hasn't already been said, just hope your doing ok. :hug:

VBKatLou

05-08-2004, 02:32 PM

Just thought I would check in to see how you were feeling today. Good or bad, let us know. :)

Boron

05-08-2004, 03:05 PM

:O

Evilnos, I understand where you are at this time in your life. I have been in a similar spot and thought the same things. I had a divorce, several close family deaths and a life-threatening illness all within about 2 years. After my operation, I began to think that it would have been better if I had just died, (which I almost did!) and told my doctor.
This was at the VA, and they send you to a shrink ANYTIME they hear something like that. The shrink said what I was doing was called "passive suicide".
Well, the poster that urged you to get out and do things is right. Believe it or not, sunlight helps. Get your mind working on other things. (I know, easier said than done, huh?) If your marriage is beyond repair, don't mope about it, get out and meet some new women. (And if you find an extra one, send her to me!!)
Hang in there, pal. Another poster quoted "This too, shall pass." That is so true.

marandken

05-09-2004, 12:48 AM

evilnos_unholy: please keep talking.... writing about your problems and feelings will help to keep you alive and get you through all of this. I'm thinking about you, too.

Zantar

05-09-2004, 12:20 PM

Yah i am also wondering how you are doing...

Darth Buddha

05-09-2004, 09:19 PM

because... I know none of you know me or anything, but I have contemplated the idea today... Yep, evilnos_unholy, I've contemplated it. Twice. Both times when really ill and unsure if I'd recover. Ten years ago for an extended period of time, with one method. And more recently for a good part of last year, when again I was sick and not getting better appeared on the horizon. Both times I started to recover, oh so slowly, so the question became moot.

Hang in there so long as you have the strength to fight. Things do turn around more often than it would seem when you are at the worst of times. If surgery can help, do the surgery, and do it with all your strenght.

I don't understand how can this be fair? i am not a bad person, I go to church on sundays, never stole, or did something against the law, and now I am possibly condemned to die? why is this happening to me? where did I go wrong?Don't buy into the moralistic failings of so many churches that there is predestination (which of course means there is no free will for you to "deserve" this) or that there is a God who punishes in this life (see how often the wicked prosper, and that fallacy is apparent.).

The cruelty of fate is not meeted out according to who deserves and who does not. It is random, unthinking, uncaring. When you work with statistics and risk factors, you see that so many of these things are so far beyond your control (what is in your ground water, what kind of workplace exposures you've had, do you work graveyard shift, and on and on) that independent will driving us to certain ends just isn't there. It is all so much a roll of the dice.

You did nothing to deserve this growth, nor whas your suffering "planned". What that means is you don't have to punish yourself out of some "I deserve this" complex, nor is you fate sealed by decree of some deity to which you must acquiesce.

Moreover, I too have had the woman that I loved turn on me. First back when I was sick ten years ago -- and things never really healed. By the time that I could TELL her why I didn't drive 300 miles every weekend to see her, and why I would work all day then go home and directly to bed, the relationship was dead. I didn't deliver, you see. Unforgivable.

She only stopped calling me to tell me how much she hates me last year. But even that pain becomes bearable. Remember the old latin proverb about women... they either love, or they hate. There is no inbetween. Far easier for her to leave if she hates you and villifies you to justify it. So DO NOT believe everything she says. She says it for herself, not for you. If you must end something, don't end your life: end your feelings for her and deny her the ability to cause you further pain. Don't talk to her, don't argue with her. It is over and you need suffer no more of her barbs because it ends HERE, NOW, TODAY. It took me too many years to figure that out for myself. Please don't suffer as long as I did before coming to that realization.

So fight the good fight as long as you can; defy the cruelty fate has put upon you. Do not acquiesce, do not accept some "sentence", and do not believe the barbs of your wife. Fight the good fight. If for nothing else, then fight the good fight for its own sake.

YOU ARE NOT DEFEATED YET! DO NOT CONVINCE YOURSELF OTHERWISE!

harveywhispers

05-09-2004, 09:24 PM

Yes...please let us know how you are doing.

Jeff O'Connor

05-09-2004, 09:28 PM

That was incredibly well-written, Deebs.

BrowderChick

05-09-2004, 09:51 PM

DB.... :hug:

Spedoinkel

05-09-2004, 09:56 PM

Farscape brings us all together for a group hug.

Evil?....where are you?

SabaceanBabe

05-10-2004, 07:36 AM

In case you haven't noticed it yet, evilnos, you're not alone. I, too, have contemplated suicide. Huh. Just this past couple of days, in fact. There were several things that stopped me: the thought that putting a bullet into my brain would probably just end up causing brain damage that I'd have to live with, not having any appropriate pills available (which might've had the same effect anyway), and thinking about how it would affect those around me.

I'm normally a pretty upbeat person, but I've been suffering from depression for years. I'm about to the point where I'm ready to actually seek counseling and I've printed out this thread, both to remind myself that I'm not alone (hi :hi: evilnos_unholy :hug: ) and to keep those numbers Jul posted handy.

I'll keep you in my prayers, e_s. I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same for me. :)

trinamick

05-10-2004, 10:23 AM

We are all still here thinking of you, and wishing you the best. One of my cousins committed suicide and it forever traumatized his family. The pain felt by those left behind is incomprehensible, and there is no way to turn back time. I agree with the others who have already posted. Just because one person says evil things about you, it doesn't mean it's true! Everyone in this world will be missed by someone. You will certainly be missed by all of us here. Please just keep in touch. Telling those around you that you are in pain is the first step. The second step is to let them help you! :hug:

ClareBarton

05-11-2004, 03:18 PM

Hey, evilnos_unholy,

Hope you are feeling better. You mentioned that you had something growing in your brain. I'm a nurse, and was wondering if your doctor placed you on any meds for your head. In addition to their therapeutic uses, sometimes meds can have side effects (mood changes and depression included), BUT, they're manageable. Remember it's important to take the meds how the doctor ordered them.* If any med problems, tell doctor/pharmacist how you are feeling ASAP. He may prescribe an antidipressant, adjust or change meds.
* Some meds come to mind that they tweak very carefully, taper slowly where necessary following protocols. Oh, and then there's some meds that can have a seemingly unrelated side effect of sedation (read that as possibly depressing).

I imagine your sleep has suffered from worry at the least. Prolonged, it can have depressing effect.

These things I've mentioned are physiological things that can be dealt with. They could effect anybody's ability to cope. You have a right to this care as much as the next guy. You didn't say, but I imagine you had some symptoms that made you see a doctor in the first place headache or neck or dizzy spells. And how can that be effecting you? I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. Nobody is Superman. If this is falls under a "Disability," you may be able to do something about your job saying you are under a doctor's care. [Disability Act/ EOE?]--

Seek help if still contemplating suicide; need to level with doctor if you are thinking about the guns (or that it's your wife's worry); the incident at work and job loss. If can't reach your doctor, go to your ER. [On-call doctors can be very helpful, too, deal with them all the time]. ERs can see that you get proper treatment, too, they can access files you have there. Even feeling a bit better, you know you need to call the doctor's office (tomorrow) telling nurse or doctor the problem and get an appointment or referral in the next few days.

Perhaps your wife is more shaken than she dares let on to even herself. Others hinted about families and friends stress. She can be responsible for herself. Some who vow "In Sickness and in Health," haven't grown up yet. You're handling enough, you can cut her some slack and understanding but you aren't expected to carry her, too.

And don't forget that there are support groups.

Take care,
Pam

ClareBarton

05-13-2004, 06:01 PM

Hey, Evilnos_unholy,

How are you doing? Hoping you have this thread set to send you an email when get replies. You've got lots of friends here wondering how you're doing. They started another thread for you hoping you'd see that and respond. It's @ http://www.savefarscape.com/forums/showthread.php?t=24139

Take care,
Pam

ChianaGray

05-14-2004, 01:26 AM

I think you got allot of guts evilnos, to be able to ask a question like that. It's really hard to talk about things that hurt, it's alot easier just to write stories and put it in there. I think back to the only two times I was really going to, and I can see about now the sort of things I would have missed if I had been cut so short of this life. They really have been worth priceless immeasures that I stick around. I value my life, even when I'm in that all too familiar pitch dark territory.

I've lost allot of people really close to me, sometimes I don't think I can stand being such a mess. But I'm still here, so that must mean I can still get through. I still have all the other people I love very much, I couldn't just leave them. I lost my mind, I think I got that back for the most part. Sometimes I don't know, I wonder. Sometimes I get a little lost in here. None of it ever meant that I'm a bad person, or that I'm being punished by the 'Gods'. That would kind of piss me off really, in an indignant way.

I've been through ... very long eclipses. Until I've learned even when the light is so far away, I can still sit here and be a human being, and trust -

Because I can loose everything, everybody, my own mind, hear things that aren't really there ... I got nothing left but trust ... that there is something wiser that understands it all and maybe they know what's going on if I don't. I'm pretty tired of trying to understand anything.

This thread will probbably get deleted now but what the hell. I only thought about it very seriously twice. When I was about 15, I thought out what I was going to do. I was in a very dark depression, way down at the bottom. I was pretty much prepared when my phone rang, which it hardley ever did. And there was a friend of mine on the other end of it I hadn't talked to in a couple of years ... but me an uncanny just never stop. I was so glad to hear from her though, and talked to her about the things that were on my mind I think ... love that selective memory.

The second time was when I was hearing things that weren't really there for a few months. They never relent, never shut up, day, night, wake, sleep. I put a gun in my hand, I just wanted to sleep so bad, hear absolutely nothing. But that was when things started to ease up on me really. I had all any human being on this earth could possibly withstand, I was at a point I didn't care what was on the other end of it. I thought though, if it was that bad, seriously, then what the hell would I do to completely change my life if I had it all over again, from that moment start. It wasn't me, I wasn't the bad guy here ... so I turned it around and started kind of visualizing I was virtually shooting these voices with a gun Fox Mulder was holding. Bang, bang, bang. It was just enough to start fighting back with different things. I wrote allot of that stuff down too though I still feel cringes I did, on a big fat website. Damn I hope someone else thinks its useful at least though.

I'm not a bad person, I haven't done a damn thing wrong. I question God? That was always upfront with me and my beliefs though, I'll have a Creator that lets me ask, lets me fall, lets me scream ... or there is no 'God'. I think I know this higher form very closely in relationship, I meet them in my own eclipsed dark allot more than I ever found them in someone's churches, in "peace" and "tranquilizers".

That's all I can really say, I know the place, I keep my Stark marbles in it. It isn't as bad when there's someone to talk to who understands what you're going through. I can still live with trauma and enjoy experiencing my existance. It is truely unique in the universe and I'll never have another one like it. I can adjust, adapt, loose everything, own nothing ... and I'll be free.

You should reply to something soon so people know if you're still alive or not.