I miss my mom.

[SabaceanBabe]

Yup. I miss her tons. Every day. It isn't helping that yesterday was Mothers' Day and day after tomorrow is her birthday.

She died of breast cancer last November, just a few days before Thanksgiving. In honor of Mothers' Day, her birthday, and just plain in honor of Mary Alice Hill Benson, I'm starting this thread. If you've lost your mom or your dad or anyone else close to you, please feel free to post here.

Mom was just a little thing - about 5'1" - and when she was younger, she had bright red hair and bright green eyes (kinda like Sikozu, only no scales, red or otherwise). She had this look, what my brothers and sister and I called the "mommy stare," that would put any one of us in our place in an instant, without a word being said.

She loved to play golf, even though I don't think she was ever really good at it. That didn't matter. I think she loved it more for being outside with her friends than for the game itself.

She loved her kids, too. She was forever finding something to brag about for all four of us. Right up until the end, she'd put stuff up on her refrigerator door, if it involved any of us (easy for my brothers - they're both cops and get into the newspapers, occasionally). She bought a magazine from Chicago that she'd never heard of before only ever read one article out of, because that one article was about Chicago's 500 best doctors and my sister was one of 'em. She had every one of my oil paintings on her walls, both good and bad (she always refused to ditch the ones I didn't like).

My mom was the strongest person I know, battling frelling breast cancer for almost 15 years before it finally got the best of her.

I love my mom, and I miss her.

And thanks, guys, for indulging me.

[grinner]

Sorry for your loss... :hug:



My mother almost died when I was 16 and it took years before I came to terms with that. I hated her for almost dying in my arms... and I treated her badly for years because of that. But, I came to realize that she is amazing and that thru all the shite I poured onto her... she still loved me. And I thank everything that she is still around... as I would miss her terribly is she had died those 17 years ago.

[canadadoc]

I know how you must have felt yesterday. My Mom is still alive and well but we lost my wonderful Mother in law in the fall of 2002. She was as close to me as my own Mother and one of the most wonderful people I have ever met.

We have thought of her with great love each time Mother's Day has come since her death. We still miss her and think of her all the time.

Hope that you are comforted by your memories of her as we are by ours. It is so difficult when you miss someone so much .

c.

[NYPinTA]

:hug:

[Jeff O'Connor]

I'm very sorry for your loss. My mom had breast cancer when I was 11, and almost died; she's also attempted suicide twice since I was born. Both were very close and I couldn't imagine what it would be like without her. I'm so sorry for you, I wish there was a way to bring her back.

[Clarsax]

:hug:

[janey_13]

:hugz:

[fermicat]

:hug: for SB and anyone else who has lost a parent or parental figure.

My Dad died on November 23, 1993. I still miss him a lot, and Father's Day is always a difficult reminder. I was 27 and not ready to be a fatherless daughter.

[trinamick]

I lost my grandmother to pancreatic cancer 12 years ago. She was about 5' tall, but pure spitfire. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone, and there was always a smile on her face. Her favorite saying was, "Well, bless your little heart!" anytime you did something good. Sarcasm was completely lost on her, and a lot of jokes went right over her head, but she was always laughing or singing. She was an avid reader and birdwatcher. We used to sit on the edge of a canyon for hours and talk and watch the birds. She could grow anything and had about five different flower gardens filled with every flower imaginable.

I spent every weekend at my grandma's house. She made me pancakes in the shape of bunnies, and always sent me home with homemade bread and a jar of jelly or dill beans. Her clothes rarely matched her shoes or her jewelry (think flowered shoes with plaid pants) and she didn't care. She was the best cook I have ever known, and I don't know anyone who didn't like her. She taught for 27 years in country schools, and every kid she ever taught sent her a graduation announcement and a yearly school picture, which she kept in an enormous scrapbook.

I miss her every single day, and there are still times when I think of things I want to tell her, and for a split second, I forget she's gone. In June there will be an American Cancer Society Relay for Life in our town, and my sister and I are donating. A lighted bag will be decorated in her honor. When the bags are all arranged together on the bleachers to spell out HOPE. I encourage any who can to donate to the ACS for cancer research.

[SabaceanBabe]

Amen, trinamick!

You just made me remember something else good about ma - cherry pie! Yum...

[Selena]

My grandmother was what could only be described as a pioneer. She was an amazing, gutsy lady. She married when she was 17 and by the time she was 24 she had burried 2 baby boys and her husband. She was left with a 3 year old daughter (my mother).
She raised that daughter alone and lived through 2 world wars in war-torn Europe. She migrated to Australia in 1950 and died in 1968. She was always there for my sister and I as we were growing up. My mother worked 2 jobs to provide for us so it was Nanna who raised us. When she died I felt like someone had cut out my heart. It still is a painful memory to think she died alone as we were 3000 miles away when it happened.
My grandmother was 4'11", she loved to garden, cook and sew. She was also a fantastic storyteller and loved music and poetry. She taught me to love all those things. I never saw her depressed or feeling sorry for helself. She was witty, and happy and loved God with all her heart. I miss her very much.
Last week I lost my Aunt and I miss her very much. My cousin, an only child, says he misses his Mom very much.
:beergood: to family members who mean so much to us.
We love you! :hug: I wish we had told you more often how much you mean to us.

[AgentSun]

my mother is still alive an as busy as ever...she's not ready to retire! she's been a pure trailblazer. she came from nothing to so much. she came from having no money, no car, no english language skills, and no husband (he was a jerk). she did have family though and while she went to college part time and took up 2 jobs, she placed me in private school because she wanted me to be better off, and my aunts and grandparents took care of me before and after school.

flash forward to a few years. my mom remarried to a wonderful man who i call "dad" and now she is in the top of the heap as far as income goes. i am so proud of her and she is such an example to me.

[mgraylorn]

My mother is still alive, but she has Alzheimer's Disease. She is in an Alzheimer's ward of a nursing home. She was terrified of this disease, and a couple of her older sisters developed it, as well as some neighbors. The last place she wanted to end her life was in a nursing home with Alzheimers. She has progressed to the point that she is incapable of communicating and comprehending what people say to her.

I realize it is sad to lose someone to something like cancer or some other physical ailment, but my mother is alive and there is absolutely nothing any of us can do for her. I sent a card, which I'm sure my brother read to her, but she has no idea what it said, or who he is. I picked a card with cute kittens on it, but she won't know what they are. All she does most of the time is sit in her wheelchair and cry, and she can't even tell anyone why she is crying. Dispite massive doses of antidepressants, she is still extremely depressed. She can no longer go to the bathroom by herself, feed herself, dress herself - or do any of the activities that a 3 year old can do. She needs constant and professional medical care that none of us can give her at our homes.

Both my parents came from poor farm families, they grew up during the depression, and had to scape by to survive. My father went on to college and got a PhD, served in the navy in WWII. My mother was a stay at home mom, raised 4 kids and kept a very tidy house. They both were very proud that 3 of their children have PhDs, and the 4th one who got sidetracked by Viet Nam has the equivalent of a PhD in nuclear engineering. My parents provided and saved and wanted to leave a nice inheritance for their children. My mother also provided a lot to her church and various charities as well as the community she lived in. She deserved a lot better than to end life with her brain slowly rotting away with Alzheimers.

My parents had my younger brother and I late in life, Mom was around 40 and Dad around 46. Now that I myself am middle aged, it would be nice to be able to talk to my parents as other adults, rather than as parent and child. I'd like to know what they aspired to as kids and what they think on various aspects of their lives. My father died 9 years ago, and Mom is alive, but past the point of being able to talk about anything. I miss them both.

[trinamick]

I'm sorry to hear your family is having to deal with this. :hug: It's so difficult to watch someone you love slowly deteriorate. My sister works in an assisted living home, and it tends to be a short stay before the nursing home. It is very hard for her to see people go downhill, and it's extremely frustrating for them to be unable to convey their thoughts and wishes. There are certainly some things that are worse than death. Your parents sounded like great people.

[grinner]

Reading some of these stories make me so happy that my mother didn't die when she went into a diabetic coma 17 years ago... or when she had another diabetic coma 8 years ago... as I can still talk with her and tell her how much she means to me. :hugs: to all that have lost their mothers...

As was said in The Crow... "Mother is the name of God on the lips and hearts of all children."- Eric Draven

[Kurt_eh]

I lost mine to cancer in 91. I was a month from turning 17 and my sister was 15.

It was a tough loss for us all, especially because that last month, all we could do was sit there and watch things get worse.

It really hit my sister very hard. The next year, she had to physically force her doctor to let her get a mamogram. At age 16. That's just not right.

Treasure what you have because you never know when it'll be gone.

Anyone else have a tough time watching my favourite episode of Buffy?

[grinner]

The Body??? I can honestly say that whenever I watch this episode... I cry.

[Kurt_eh]

The first time I saw it, it hit me really deep. I've barely been able to sit through it on repeat viewings. And yeah, the ducts are flowing every time...

[who45]

I am sorry for you loss. My Mom is still alive and praying that she will be for a long time, but my Mom and I are dealing with the fact that very soon I will lose my Father. It's hard for me because I am losing my Dad, someone who I have always been very close to, but I have to remind myself that she's losing a husband and a best friend...someone she has known since she was a child (they grew up together). I have learned to cherish each day that I have left with him and I still have wonderful memories of the past. My point of this is,eventhough your Mother isn't here it's wonderful that you have so many great memories of her. Memories that you can pass onto others so they can have the chance to "know" her as well.Your Mother will always be alive in you. I know sometimes the memories may not seem enough, but please know your not alone.It's ok to feel down or even still cry over it...heaven knows I do now. As I said when she first passed on, if you ever need someone to talk to or just listen, you can always PM me. Take care of your self as well ok. :hug:

[who45]

The Body??? I can honestly say that whenever I watch this episode... I cry. Me too..I have seen this episode at least 6 times and it still gets to me,lol.

[SabaceanBabe]

...if you ever need someone to talk to or just listen, you can always PM me. Take care of your self as well ok. :hug:

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

Right back at ya, who45! :hug:

[JrMissToughChick]

:hug: Like many of you my mom almost died when I was 8. Everyone including my dad told me she probably would, She didn't (thank God) I don't know what I would have done had she died.

[marandken]

I lost my dad in October 2000. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer at the end of July and, he was gone pretty quickly. It took a year before I could even think straight. My mom spent about a year going to the cemetary to yell at him for leaving her. I still think of things to report to him.

Dad was a crotchety guy. Everyone was entitled to his opinion. However, he was a faithful and loyal father, husband, and friend. He had a big influence in my life, both with his love for Sci-Fi in all forms, travel to see new things and because he was the one who told me I could be an engineer back when 'girls' didn't do that. He had a great sense of humor and was known to dress up as women during skit nights on the many cruises he and mom would take together (My fav. was Dad as Cher).

He also started taking me with him to volunteer at the Cleveland Veteran's Hospital when I was about 12. This was something we did together until I went away to school. Really taught me about the true effects of war and combat (this was during VietNam); and about service to our community. None of these things was ever done with great flourish or advertisement. It was just done as part of our life.

We were lucky that we had some time to plan before he died. My sis from Israel came to spend time before and after his surgery. When we knew he was really slipping, I read his eulugy to him because it was a great story of how he influenced my life. We joked with him because he couldn't speak anymore by then so we knew he wouldn't talk back to me ;) . He and my husband had a falling out years before but Dad made sure that he knew all was OK. We had my Boy (he was 7) with us when we went to see him and really didn't hide anything from him about Dad's illness. I think it's scarier to kids when there's a big secret about things.

So it all sounds like we planned and did the logical thing to make our peace with each other; but it's still devistating.

One of the hardest things for me is the fact that I do believe I had a psychic/physical connection with him, stuff happening in our dreams at the same time, getting the same wacky illnesses at the same time(even tho we lived 800 miles apart), etc. I was very scared to have that presence gone...and it does feel gone now. But... he did come to visit me the Saturday after he died. I was at my Mom's and some things happened in the house (lights flashing for no reason with no short circuits, etc). He also spent the next year making stuff happen around the house for my Mom's entertainment (doorbell's ringing, chairs moving, someone tugging at her clothing, etc). I know that some people think we're crazy when we say this stuff and, believe me, as a scientist, it sounds like loony toons. But, we checked out reasonable explanations for all of the things that happened and couldn't find any.

Thanks for starting this thread. This is the time of year when it's good to have support for missing our parents and loved ones.

[damarisanne]

:hug: Hang in there SB. I know how hard it is. My mom passed 2 years ago, on the last day of spring. I came real close to jumping off the edge of the world myself. I can't tell you it gets better, but it does get easier. My mom was my best friend and when I lost her, it felt like I lost everything.

[attitude1]

Sorry to hear of your losses, all of you. Although my mother is very sick, she is still with me. She has just about everything imaginable BUT cancer! She is the best thing in my life and I will be lost without her. I try to prepare myself for what I know is coming but that is ultimately impossible, I know. There is an empty place in us whenever someone close to us dies; that place is never filled when it is a parent. My father is also not in the best way but his is mental. He has dementia from long-term diabetes and is in a nursing home. Many days he forgets what he said mere seconds after he says it and he gets very emotional all the time.
I have lost grandparents to cancer and a sister-in-law. My brother commited suicide a year ago this month. He sexually abused me for nearly eight years when we were growing up. I mourned his death but not in the usual way. We had no relationship and maybe I mourned the circumstances that brought this about more than his death. And the fact that he was in jail awaiting his sentencing for sexually abusing his own son and daughter at the time that he hung himself, I think I mourned that he skipped out on his punishment for a lifetime of perversion.
If it is the ones we love the most and those who have touched our lives whose passing we seem most likely to remember, I just pray that on the day I die, there will be someone from my life who will care about me enough to mourn me!

[trubador]

BIG HUG :hug: to SabaceanBabe for starting this difficult thread, and a group hug :hugz: for everyone who's responded so far. I'll be brief for now, as it'll take me awhile to gather my thoughts, control my emotions, and put it all into words (regarding my own Mom, whom I lost two years ago). She died after enduring almost 11 years of dialysis treatments for kidney failure.

[trinamick]

Sorry to hear that, Trub. :hug: One side of my family suffers from Bright's Disease and has lost several family members. My cousin's wife only recently donated a kidney to my uncle. It is definitely a trying experience. 11 years is a long time to watch a loved one suffer.

[StarsGoBlue]

:hug: for who
:hug: for Trubs
:hug: for SB... I remember how hard Burbank was for you, but what a fun time we had and how we were all so happy we met.

For the first few years after my mother's death, holidays were difficult because my sister & I didn't have any other family out here; and when my sister cut ties with the family it was just me. But time does heal, and now I can remember the special things about my mom without sadness getting in the way.

My mother read to me every day, books and books and books with records and horse books and ad nauseum, and she never complained (although I know she hated Curious George Learns the Alphabet because it was 26 frelling pages long, LOL). She wore miniskirts and Shalimar perfume and I can remember how it felt to hug her, the slick polyester fabric against my cheek---my favorite had little circles with different kinds of ladybugs and ants and butterflies and caterpillars on it, and I wish I'd saved those and maybe used swatches for a quilt.

My mother always put us first, and when times were tight she still made sure we had shoes and food and books to read and a safe place to live. She was the gentlest person and taught us by example to accept others for who they were, not to judge. I'll never forget, when I was a senior in HS and was chosen for an award, I got to invite a teacher who had inspired me. I chose my AP English teacher, who was unmarried and lived with a female roommate.

After the award ceremony I heard rumors that my teacher was gay, and I didn't know what to think (this was in the mid-80's, when AIDS and homosexuality were very hot topics). I talked to my mom about it and she said, does it change the respect you have for her as a teacher? Does it change the way you feel about her, if she is gay? She didn't tell me what to think, just asked me to think for myself.

I wasn't with my mother when she died, and didn't get the chance to say goodbye. SB, your mom knew you loved her, how much you cared about her, and I'm sure she was so proud of you. Who, I'm just as sure that your dad knows that too, about you.

We miss them, and we always will, and some days memories make us sad, but then there are the days when we think of them happily and remember only the love.

:hug: Thanks for sharing your mom with us, SB.

[StarsGoBlue]

Anyone else have a tough time watching my favourite episode of Buffy?

The Body aired not long after my mother died, and it was very hard for me to watch, because it was so similar to what happened to me. I cried for pretty much the whole episode.

At the same time, I marveled at how exactly Joss and the cast captured the emotions, and the numbness that sets in when someone you love with your whole heart dies.

[who45]

[QUOTE=StarsGoBlue Who, I'm just as sure that your dad knows that too, about you.

[/QUOTE] Thanks Stars, I know he does.

[RedKarma]

I lost a friend to breast cancer at age 21.

It was with her death that I decided that TPTB needed her for something. Something really special, something that only she could do. That's how I got through losing the ones I love.

I treasure their gifts to me; unbidden kindness, friendship, and love.

[SabaceanBabe]

Here's a big ol' hug for everybody who's posted in this thread, 'cause we all need it and deserve it. :hugz:

[Jeff O'Connor]

:hugz:

[trinamick]

And on a positive note, I found out that a friend who has been suffering from cancer just found out he is in remission! :bounce: Treatment really does work sometimes!

[Jeff O'Connor]

And on a positive note, I found out that a friend who has been suffering from cancer just found out he is in remission! :bounce: Treatment really does work sometimes!

That's great!

[SabaceanBabe]

That's awesome, trinamick! Woo hoo!

[Eve11]

SB, some of the Pittsburgh Scapers and I walked in the Pittsburgh Race for the Cure this past mothers day. About 40,000 people all gathered in Schenley park to raise money for breast cancer awareness and research. Many had pink shirts and "I'm a Survivor!" caps, many more had tags on their backs with "In celebration of" or "In memory of" sisters, daughters, wives and friends. I am lucky enough to have never had a friend or family member with breast cancer, so I didn't have a tag. I guess I was just walking for everyone, but now I wish I had seen this thread beforehand.

It is a day of celebration for the survivors, but at the same time it's hard to take in, seeing all of those tags honoring women who lost the battle with breast cancer, hard to realize when you are there that all of those names have a story and a life behind them like the one you shared with us, SabaceanBabe. Your mom sounded like a wonderful, strong person. :hug: