got jokes?

[Third EYe]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy."

[Spedoinkel]

LOL

What do you get when you cross and Apple and an Onion.


An Apinion (read Opinion.)

Yeah It's cheezy. A guy i was working with yesterady came up with it while we were grumbling that the truses were broken.

[AgentSun]

i've got no jokes cause...i have no humor. i am devoid of humor.

PLATYPUS!

[Spedoinkel]

PLATYPUS!
MOOSE!

[AgentSun]

you think you won with the "moose" card, but i pose a question...

is it a scarranmoose and does it do the fandango?!!

[Spedoinkel]

I should have said a minimoose. But i'll back it up with a GIANT FISH IN A BEAR SUIT!!!!!

[AgentSun]

i trump you with the fuschia-blooded spider monkey in a fish suit!

[Xevallah]

Lets see I can remember this right...dont be offended, its a joke.

3 guys are walking in a desert. Theres a white guy, a black guy, and a mexican. They stumble across a genie. and the genie grants them each one wish. The black guy goes first. "I want all my people in america to go back to the motherland and be happy and free." The genie claps his hands and the man dissapears. "Granted, next". The mexican goes next. "I want all my people in american to go back to our homeland and be happy and free." The man dissapears. "Granted" grunts the genie. "Now you" he smirks to the white man. "You mean to tell me all the blacks and mexicans are gone?"
The genie replies "Yes."
The white man pauses. "Ill have a coke."

Oh and Third Eye, at the end of your joke the guy is suppose to ask his friend to return the favour because he needs his lawn cut.

[Spedoinkel]

Okay I have another one.

Three gay guys are standing on a bridge.
One throws a brick in the air.
It doesn't come down.

[Selena]

If you check the "Have You Heard A Good One Lately?" thread (which BTW has been around for months) you will see that the opening gambit on this thread was already posted a day or two ago. Guess Third EYe didn't see that far into the past!

[Third EYe]

If you check the "Have You Heard A Good One Lately?" thread (which BTW has been around for months) you will see that the opening gambit on this thread was already posted a day or two ago. Guess Third EYe didn't see that far into the past!


I never looked in that thread. I'm like the guy who invented the skateboard, last month, for the 30th time.

[AgentSun]

HA! al gore can't claim that one.

[bubblez]

A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the
same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right
behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office
when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening
and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health
club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the
bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she
cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with
HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next
day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving
early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"

[Spedoinkel]

This old lady who had a pet duck wanted to take a vacation, but could not take the duck on the plane. So she tied the duck up to the tree in the back yard and gave him plenty of food. While on the plane she heard an odd noise out side the window. She looked out and there was her duck flying along with the plane still attached to the tree. And in it's mouth was a brick.

[bubblez]

Spedoinkel, exactly how long have you been waiting to tell this one? ;)
I remember a similar story line from Junior High... took the teach 4 days to tell

[Jeff O'Connor]

A Trekkie, a Reality TV Drone, and a Scaper walk into a General Entertainment Convention.

The Trekkie raises his glass. "My franchise will survive the longest because our company has so much money, Star Trek will live on forever."

Upon saying this, he's immediately covered in dozens of other Trekkies that support him, and can't free himself from underneath the crowd.

The Reality TV Drone raises his glass. "My franchise will survive the longest because people want dumbed down programming and don't want to think. Like, ever."

Upon saying this, he's immediately covered in literally hundreds of other drones to the cause, and never again sees the light of day.

The Scaper raises his glass above the crowds, and smiles. "My franchise will survive the longest because there are enough of us to make an impact, but not so damn many of us that we become a stereotype."

[Spedoinkel]

Jeff you are a master. *Big Manly Hug*

Oh and my joke was taught to me by a friend in High school. Many people get frustrated with it.

[Third EYe]

Here's a joke that you need others to participate in. So, 4 or more is best. you let everyone in on it, except the target, maybe it's one dude, or a few, doesn't matter, but if you tell the joke and you are the only idiot in on it, you will stay the idiot. The idea is to tell a joke that makes no sense, really stupid and then have everyone laugh, but the target, and because they will have this stupid look on their face like "I don't get it" you will really begin to laugh. I've done a few times, and it was funny.

Here's what I use

2 beers sitting in a tub taking a bath, one turns to other and says "hey, pass the soap".

Then laugh.

try it

[Spedoinkel]

There are many pranks you can play on people like going to a public place and just start stareing at something intently. See how many poeple come by. Go to a Walmart and lay out on a lawn chair asking for people to put lotion on you. Wear a loose shirt, and pull one arm inside so it isn't noticable, then go shopping for gloves.

[bubblez]

I used to work at a bar in New Orleans. Raw oysters are available at this establishment. One night, lady tourist enters and sits with her friends. They order one half-dozen (sorry, I don't know the equivalent SI measure); it is her first time eating raw oysters.
After she had downed four of them, I wander over to clean off napkins, empty glasses, etc., and ask her how she liked the oysters.
She stated that she enjoyed them immensely, just letting them slide off of the shell and down her throat.

Trying to look a bit worried, I said, "What? You didn't chew them first?!"

She replied,"No...was I supposed to?"

I answered,"Well, you have to kill them..."

I don't think I have ever seen anyone turn that shade of pale so quickly before. I had to take a seat to catch my breath, wipe away the tears, and give my ribs a rest.

[AxezCore]

One for the girls :D

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

[who45]

:lol

[Spedoinkel]

now for a Garrison Keller joke.

An elderly priest is invited to the home of a younger priest for dinner. when he gets there he notices the extremly attractive maid that the younger priest has. When the maid is out of the room the older priest brings this up. The younger priest assures him, that there is nothing to worry about, and there is nothing unbecoming of a priest going on. After dinner is over the three say thier good-byes and the older priest goes home.

A week latter the older priest getts a letter in the mail from the younger. It read:
"Dear sir. Thank you for joining us for dinner last week. We enjoyed your company and conversation. The reason why I'm writing is that since the dinner, the maid has not been able to find the silver serving ladle that was used in the soup. Now, I'm not saying you took it. I'm not saying you didn't. But if you have any information on where it could be, we would be most thankful."

The priest read the letter, and with a smile wrote his reply.
"Dear sir. Thank you for having me for dinner. The food and conversation was most excellent. Now, I'm not saying your sleeping with the maid. I'm not saying you arn't. But if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the silver serving ladle."

[bubblez]

One for the girls :D

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

:lol3: excellent :signbravo:

[bubblez]

"... I was confused about the whole marriage thang. So, I decided to ask my Grandma..'Grandma, you're older and wise....what is the meaning of marriage... tell me the secrets of love.'

She said, "Shut the door!! I'm tryin' ta poop!"

--- Larry the Cable Guy

*** Check out the Blue Collar Comedy Tour if you can... good stuff, Maynard***

[AgentSun]

spedoinkel, there's another funny version of that joke that is actually internet lore.


John invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

[Spedoinkel]

Yup that is just about the same. Though I heard the joke on The Praire Home Companion about three years ago, I wonder which came first.