I don't try, it's my fault, blah blah blah (rant warning)

[AgentSun]

everyone knows my ordeal last year during break with the fated mother. she didn't like me, i didn't know what i was doing...tonight i talk to my bf and he brings up the very ill-fated topic of break and the 2 visits i've made up there in the entire span of the relationship. and he states very clearly that i am at fault because...well i didn't talk very much during either break. he said that he'd like for me to make an effort in getting along with his mother, and while i understand how i really didn't make a huge leap into letslovethemotherville, it also came off to me as an ultimatum, which isn't how he meant it, but it definitely came up that way because one of my original insecurities after learning about what his mother thought of us, was that he would listen to her, and dump me. it brought up all those thoughts again and it came off to me as an ultimatum.

we talk and talk and talk and an hour later, all i can do is tell him over and over and over that i'm sorry i didn't try hard enough, i'll do better if it'll make him happy, i'll email his frelling mother if it's what needs to be done, in general, i'll do whatever the hell it takes. i'll send the old bat flowers if he wants me to. i don't care. i just want things to be easier for him because i know he's getting crap for it.

and yeah, so i've screwed up. it's not a etched in stone that i can't mess up, that i have to be perfect and well liked everywhere i go. i tried, and maybe i didnt try as hard as i could have but i still tried a bit. and i can try harder now, yeah, but it doesn't mean it'll happen the first two or three times i try, and it hurt so much that he came off as giving me an ultimatum, and it hurt so much that i had the mere thought of it not working the first few times and him then deciding that it was never going to work. the last thing i want is to lose him and that is the center of every stupid insecurity we both have. we don't want each other to go away, or decide that it's not worth it, and it hurt so bad tonight when it seemed like he was saying "make it work or you're out" and he apologized for it sounding that way, when he didn't mean it.

we had a long rant and argument and fight about it, and he was trying to just give me facts and he could've done a better job with it, because i felt like i was being attacked and i was being told that it was all my fault. as if i was the one who originally stated that i was against the relationship. i just felt defensive and all the little things bothered me and he didn't know why and he didn't know why i got mad at him...and i got mad because it really seemed like he was ready to bail on me. right now i still feel a little bit that way...like i want to believe so much that he won't, but there's a nagging voice in my head that goes "you never know" or "things change" and the last thing i would ever want is for him to decide that i'm not the one he wants to be with. i felt so angry and hurt that he might even want to just quit, that i told him i wanted to quit. i didn't mean it, and i think he knew i didn't mean it, but i felt so frustated that i didn't know whether he wanted to keep going or not and it really sucked.

we're okay now. we figured things out. i'll email the old bat and maybe with some help from you guys, i'll say the right thing...calling her an old bat won't help, will it? i want to make things easier for him. i want to make him happy, no matter how many people i have to email, no matter how many flowers i have to send. i just want to make him happy and if that means impressing the charmingly youthful and vibrant bat, then i'll do it.

any suggestions or advice, oh so much wiser and experienced ones?

[soyarma]

I've got a rather interesting tale that may give you (if nothing else) a wee bit of help dealing with the issues of future possible mother-in-lawness.

I have been writing since I was 10, and so when the net came around the first thing I did was head into writing chats and hang out with my fellow aspiring (and some published) writers. I had an online girlfriend and I flew down to DC to see her and was dumped the next day (I guess I wasn't as compelling in person, lol). She was my first true love (don't know that I was a true love for her, but thats all with the assisstance of hindsight). So I was heartbroken and unfortunately several other women in the writing chat were vieing for my attention (the only time in my life anything like that has ever happened, lol) and I being 19 at the time behaved foolishly in just about every respect. One of the women was the woman who is now my wife.

I had known her (Jill) for some time online, but she had always been like a sister to me (something she did not want to be - and I was completely blind to it). In the words of Grace on Joan of Arcadia, "we're you born without a radar?" Luckily I eventually came to my senses (that and Jill used all her womanly wiles to slowly but surely lead me down a path to her) and invited Jill to come up to Canada to visit me (she's from Boston where we currently live).

Now my parents (divorced but live just a few blocks from one another) were in full 'child protection mode' when Jill came as this was back in the very beginning of online dating when the only stories were horror stories and so Jill didn't exactly get all the support she could have gotten when she got there, and I (still being 19 at the time) didn't really contribute to things in an overly constructive manor. I was living with my father at the time and my mother insisted that Jill couldn't stay there with me as we may be bad bad bad, lol. So Jill stayed with my mother and there was just a touch of tension.

Now for reasons I'll leave out of this story Jill didn't go back home because her parents are borderline sociopaths (IMO) and difficult to be around for any length of time. So she stayed with my mother for around a month or two. My mother is a very nice person, but she is prone to speak her mind (something you may have noticed I do a bit) and not prone to sugar coat her statements. Jill internalizes everything and never initiates or responds to conflict, so this was a difficult time for her. My mother didn't dislike Jill as a person, she just didn't like the circumstances of our being together and also didn't like the fact that Jill was Catholic and not Protestant (but thats another story altogether).

I moved out of my father's place and into my own apartment and Jill was going to move in with me after we were married (which I was going to do without the knowledge or presence of either of my parents - something I had planned on for years since having my wedding with both of them in the same room would not have been a great experience no matter who I was wedding). My parents are both excellent people and I really can't imagine them being anyone else, or loving me less. But they are human and so they have flaws and for some reason be it unrational hatred, or blindness or some other issue (they never told us kids the reason they got divorced) they just can't behave when dealing with one another.

So about 2 weeks after I moved into my appartment I got really sick. At first the doctors thought it was cancer but it turned out that I had Mono, the flu, strep throat and a cold all at the same time. Mono doesn't always show up on the first testing, so I didn't even get any medication for the first 2 weeks I was sick. Jill came and stayed with me at my apartment when I got sick and my mother was convinced we were sleeping together and wouldn't let Jill come back to stay with her.

Now I am a firm believer in no extramartial sex, so Jill and I were not sleeping together (not to mention I was only awake 2 hours a day and too weak to stand). But I also did not want to give the appearance of doing something which I, myself, disapproved of, so Jill and I got married about 2 weeks after I started feeling better. We were so poor that the Justice of the Peace didn't even charge us the $50 to perform the ceremony, lol.

I left my mother a note telling her I got married (yeah, I still feel like a heel for doing that) and we didn't speak for two and a half months. Keep in mind that all of this happened in a town of 14,000 people, which means everyone knows everything and its actually really hard to avoid people in a city that small.

Jill was remarkable through all this. She felt unwanted by my family and was scared to go back to her own family and had some really hard times. I made a decision that my family would always love me, so I did a few things that hurt them, knowing that I would be able to mend the fences later on and kinda sacrificed some of my closeness with them to help Jill and be a loving husband to her. I think that in that situation that was the correct desicion as my first loyalty (aside from God) is to her.

Eventually I made things up with my mother on a night where we sat and cried together for some time and Jill and my mother even became fast friends - they are really very alike.

Ironically we are now going through the opposite. For a varitey of reasons we moved to Boston and lived near Jill's parents. I know them for the type of people they are and will never really 'like' them, but I don't make waves so that Jill's life is easier. I do, however, remind Jill that her mother has been cruel to her in the past and will again because that's the type of person she is. We are actually living above Jill's parents at the moment as her grandmother died and we are staying here on the cheap while we save for a house. Its kinda like an 'Everybody Loves Raymond' situation, lol.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in some situations the in-law factor can be ironed out over time (it took about 2 years with my mother) and in some cases you just have to behave even when you'd rather throttle the in-law so that you can just make life a bit easier for your spouse.

I do believe that Jill is more important to me than my family because she is my whole life. The one thing you have to remember coming into a relationship is that you cannot look to the other person to complete you. That will only lead to you dragging each other down. You must come into the relationship as two complete individuals looking to join together into something more.

Thus ends my story of my marriage in a nutshell with ending pontification. Jill and I will be married seven years this september :) and she is still the sweetest love of my life.

[Owlman]

Agent,

I suffer from the same not talking enough thing as you do. You could just tell her that you are nervous around people you don't know, or maybe make her feel important and say you were nervous about meeting your boyfriend's mother. Something to that effect.

I've screwed up a lot with girlfriends in my 22 years... alot. I'm glad you and your BF were able to work things out. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that he actually gives a rat's ass about what his mom thinks. My mom is pretty much the only family I have left alive, and though we live in the same house, there is a crapload of animosidy

But, I think no matter what Mama says, if this guy really loves you, it won't matter. If this is your guy, and ya'll get married or live together or whatever, know that you aren't marrying her. All you've got to do is remember to send the old bat a card on Christmas and her birthday, and your good to go!

[faustus]

I find parents get in the way most of the time.

[Darth Buddha]

I went through the same thing. She was treated GREAT by my folks, but I was at fault for the fact that I wasn't beloved by hers.

What might help:

First, fault is out. You and the boyfriend are a team in trying to get her mom to accept you. He is the coach, you are the player. You both lose or you both win. In other words, you are in it together or it isn't going to work. That was my tact, and she did quite well with my family -- even those who didn't like her up front.

Second, he needs to put some leverage on mommy dearest too. If you have to do EVERYTHING ans she's still a stinker, then he needs to call his mom on it. If not, well then he's made his choice, and you need to get the FRELL away from him because his mom can't take first precedence if things are to work long term. I had to do some of this on her behalf with my folks. Didn't happen for me though.

Finally, he can't expect more of you than of her. That was the argument put to me: more was expected of me so no matter WHAT nonsense was directed at me.

I recall LITERALLY running around the house (inside) and then running around the house (outside) to get away from her mom who wanted to tell me why Catholic political positions were right and I was wrong. Not that I'd brought it up that time, but that I'd been stupid enough to be honest with the old bat earlier.

Finally, if his mom is nuts, consider very seriously that he might become nuts as he gets older. She became more like her mom (whom she thought was insane when I met her - though now she's like a younger twin). I became more like my dad - more retiring from conflict within "family" or relationships rather than fighting it out.

Play to win. But be prepared to bail if it is indeed a no win situation. This isn't TV or fantasy... things don't work out more often than they do.

And most importantly, people who love each other don't compromise each other. If he isn't with you in your efforts but instead ends up beating on you (verbally - not literally I'm sure) then he's compromising you.

[JrMissToughChick]

I find parents get in the way most of the time. :spew: I am sorry about that I posted a serious reply on kansas.

[Twich]

I agree with Buddha. Pretty much all the way down the line. He nicely said everything I was trying to put into words.

It's tough love we're giving here, but trust me. I'm married. My husband's mom accepted me...but she gave me a tough time when we first got married. She was sweet...and wonderful...and then she would toss out these THINGS about my hubby that made both of us go "Huh?" Like (seriously...) "He only uses Charmin toilet paper. He refuses to use anything else."

????

Later hubby said he had no clue where that came from...but about two years into our marriage, she said it was a territorial thing and she apologized.

Point of Twichie's little tale? If you plan to marry this man, EVERYTHING you're describing now will be a gazillion times harder. If he doesn't stand up to his mom now, he won't then and there will ALWAYS be an adversarial relationship between you and her. Flip side of that is that you do need to try and try hard...cause if you two plan to get married and you start it out with this attitude toward his mom, you're going to have a hard time disguising it. He obviously has a tight relationship with her, and if you two are living together and you still have a chip on your shoulder about her, then you won't be able to hide it. Trust me. It will come out at some point and be detrimental to your marriage.

You don't have to love her...but you do have to respect her as his mom and give her her 'due' so to speak. So maybe try to let go of some of the grumpy feelings? Approach with an open mind for HIS sake. There has to be SOME redeeming quality to the woman if she raised the man you love. Look at it that way. And if her possessiveness of him is because she loves him....that means both of you love the same man and THAT is at least something in common.

Not saying it's gonna be perfect...but work has to be done on ALL side. His, yours and hers. :hug:

[Selena]

Relationships are always difficult with the significant other's parents. They are wary for their son / daughter and because they were young once they know all the pitfalls.

I have 2 daughter's in law and one son in law and although I have tried very hard to be caring and loving towards them one of them has IMO always been very unpleasant towards me.

As a mother in law, I feel it is my job to love my children and respect their choice for a partner regardless of what I think of the partner or if I like them or not. My sons' and daughter's choices for their spouses is what counts and not whether I think they're my choice for them.

Fortunately, 2 of my kids have married wonderful, friendly people and they are easy to like.

[Mazinkaiser]

I can't beleive he's blaming you for the whole thing. :grumpy: I know I was terrified of meeting my ex's parents, and it took some time to get used to one another. It's gonna take some time and work but he shouldn't be blaming you.

[Darth Buddha]

Hmmmm... on the other hand, don't hear too much. If he says things need to change, that doesn't necessarily mean he's saying it is all your fault.

Be sure to clarify that. Hell, if both of you clarify things you might find out that you are already on the right track.

[AgentSun]

i guess i should be more clear. he's saying that it was mostly my fault mainly because it was up to me to start converstions...the problem i have with that is that conversation goes both ways. i'm not the only one that has the ability to speak. and he certainly never tried to start conversation to help me out. i HATE being in unfamiliar situations. i hate it so much i was at church one time and i happened to go to another service going on a few rooms away and i almost wanted to cry. i messed up because i had a few little ideas about her...because she didn't approve of the relationship to start and had ignorant comments to make about me after we met. that didn't make it better. insulting people in anger is one of my pet peeves. but she had notions too. she's never liked any of his girlfriends and he knows it.

i guess i should be clearer about this...he needs for this to be smoothed out mainly because he's hearing a lot of crap at home about it, stemming from something that happened easter break. he's been hearing a lot of comments and remarks about the relationship and i need to get the full story, but i admit i messed up. and i'm making things better. but there was no reason why i should've been told that i was the one completely at fault. he understands that his family is not the most open of people and that they expected me to jump right in, cause thats how they do things, but i felt like i was being given an ultimatum.

we're okay now, but i'm going to talk to him more tomorrow.

[I-am-so-Johns-girl]

My Dad gave me this advise when I was about 17 years old and had been complaining to him about something my boy friend had done that upset me. He said "Don't marry a man who constantly does something you really don't like and you think you can change him.....he won't ever change. Either learn to live with that fault or don't ever marry him". At the time I didn't really pay too much attention to that but as the years have gone by, I realized he was right. If this is a major problem between the two of you, you both need to look at it very honestly. I agree with everyone that the blame is not just on you and if he and Mom don't see that and adjust their attitude now...it will never change.

A relationship and/or marriage is basically a "partnership" between two people. It will never work if both parties aren't sharing equally in all aspects. Of course, there is always "give and take" on both sides but it should equal out in the end. You deserve that in a good partnership.

Love youself first and the others will follow your lead.

Of course, that's just my opinion...I could be wrong. :D

Girlie :curtsey:

[BlackThorn]

I agree that it needs to be both halfs of the couple working on it. I didn't have any help with my ex-husband. His mom and dad both didn't like me. He was their precious baby, and could do nothing wrong, yet every single thing I said or did was wrong. He would never help defend me or try to smooth things over, just sitting back and watching it all. One of the many, many reasons why I left, but hey, it was for the best anyway.

I do have to say, this discussion makes me very thankful I get along so well with my boyfriend's mom. She's becoming a friend as we get to know each other. Have no problems just hanging out and chatting. My mom like him, but she's shy, so doesn't talk much. But at least she does like him.

[jadeshand]

Relationships are the pits. If you really love this guy, marry him and then both of you move far away from the in-laws. It would be neat if life was that simple, wouldn't it? <sigh>

Gotta say, though, Jill's a lucky girl, soyarma. But I suspect you're pretty lucky on that side too. :D

[soyarma]

I'm far luckier than she is.

Kinda funny, I guess my tale had both sides. Sometimes the inlaw thing works through greatly adverse situations and sometimes it doesn't. But the moral is the couple has to be first with each other or it wont work at all.

Your parents will always love you, so you don't have to be on their side all the time. Kinda calous, but if you really think they are wrong on something then that's the approach you have to take. If your parents wont always love you... well, thats a whole different problem, lol.

[DRD2001]

My two cents.

I won't tell you my first reaction when reading this, cause I'm leary when one partner suggests that the other partner is the only one who needs to change.

But you want helpful advice because you both are committed to making this relationship work.

#1. He needs to help you. People assume that kids grow up to be just like their parents. Not always true. My husband and my father-in-law have completely different senses of humor. YIKES! Your bf needs to help you understand his parents. Things like their attitude on religion, politics, the environment, family values, movies they like etc..

#2. Have your bf tell you what kind of books his mom likes. Read a few of them before you visit so that you can have something to talk about. Or find out what her favorite hobby is and study up on it. If you are feeling really brave, tell her. "You son says you have a fabulous recipe for _____. Is there any way you can teach it to me. I'd like to be able to cook like you."

#3 Show up with a gift in hand. A good book, wine, a cake, a blooming plant or whatever.

#4 Think up a few amusing anecdotes ahead of time, and make sure they show you in a good light.

Good luck. I hope it all works out.

[eta_carinae]

Oh, AgentSun, you have one of the most dramatic relationships I've seen in a while. It must be exhausting! I really don't have any advice for you, since I've never really had a problem like that. But I hope things work out for you! It sounds like you guys are pretty committed, hopefully his mom will realize that and chill out :)

[AgentSun]

wow, everyone who cared suddenly doesn't! hahahaha.

[Boron]

Agent Sun, I know that you and your BF are both very young. I was 30 before I was ever married due to the fact that I hated to meet prospective in-laws, and was scared of marriage. I think you might be a little like that, too. When I finally did get married, it turned out the problem was somehow reversed. I got along fine with HER family, and MY family liked her, SHE just did not feel comfortable around them. She didn't dislike them, She just wasn't comfortable.
Whatever you do, and whoever you do it with, you will encounter problems like this. All I can tell you is that you have to be yourself and if you have to stand up for yourself, do it. Your BF should help you with his mother. If she doesn't come around after a while, It is probably HER personality and not you. I can tell just from reading your posts that you are not hard to get along with. Just be yourself.

[AgentSun]

aww thanks boron!

well, the adorable lug called me today just to tell me he wouldn't be able to call me. huh...

and we cleared up a lot of things, one of which being that he doesn't blame any one person for what happened, he feels that there were mistakes made from all sides, and he wanted to talk to me instead of his family because he felt that it was easier for me to make a first step and extend an olive branch, rather than his mother.

[Boron]

Well, that's probably true, but I still think the initial meeting should have started with the mother putting you at ease. At least that's what I did with my daughter's boyfriends. (All except one who was a little creep).

[AgentSun]

she gave me a big hug...and yeah she could've done a bit more. she didn't give me a chance at all. and it didn't help that i knew she didn't approve of the relationship.