K...I have a bridal shower/wedding issue I need some imput on.

[LiLOrion]

My younger sister got married a few months ago. We threw a shower for her beforehand and she threw a wedding party afterwards. She got married in the islands so no one besides our mother was at the wedding, but people were welcome to come if they wanted, they would just have to pay their own way. So basically everyone at the shower/wedding party was NOT officially invited to their wedding in the islands.

A second cousin of ours is getting married and she is having a very small wedding. She has already made it clear that she is only inviting a handful of people, mainly the aunts from our side of the family. No biggie, thats her perogative. Her sister however is throwing a shower for her and only invited the people that are invited to the wedding. My sister was kinda surprised, she figured she would get invited since they came to her shower and wedding party and brought gifts each time.

Now our aunt, who is invited to the shower, thinks my sister should send a gift anyway, since they came to her shower and wedding party. But my sister doesnt think she is obligated. If she was invited to the shower, she would have went and brought something. And she doesnt understand why only certain people were invited to the shower, those certain people being only those that are invited to the wedding.
It should be stated that the same aunt mentioned above also arranged my sister's shower and she invited extended family who my sister has never even met purely cause my aunt was of the mindset that, "Well if I had to go to something of theirs, they should have to come to something of ours". These extended family ended up never coming anyway, so it was all for nothing, but anyway my question is...


Should my sister, who wasnt invited to our second cousin's shower, send something along anyway, just cause our secound cousin was invited and came and brought something to both my sister's shower and wedding party?

[VBKatLou]

Where is Miss Manners when you need her?

Well, IMHO, your sister is not only not obligated, but really shouldn't send a gift. The only people who should supply gifts are the ones attending the shower and the ones who were invited to the shower but could not attend.

Apparently your cousin has a reason for keeping things small. If the bride receives a gift from someone who wasn't invited (to either the shower or wedding) it puts her in the embarassing position of feeling obligated to explain why she didn't invite them.

I don't know how close your sister is to your cousin, but perhaps just send a nice congratulatory card after the wedding/honeymoon would be my advise.

[waltersgirl]

just me, but i don't think anyone's obligated to send a gift.

[LT Garrix]

I'm with VB, if she's not invited, there's nothing expected of her. I find it surprising that the shower is so small, especially for such a small wedding. A shower would normally be a way to include those who are friends, but perhaps not close enough to warrant an invitation.

[atlantagirl]

Okay, my 2 cents (maybe this is a southern thing, I don't know), but if this cousin was important enough to me to have been invited to my bridal shower and wedding party, and I was important enough to her that she came (to both) and brought me gifts (and apparently brought gifts to both), I would absolutely send something to her on the occasion of her marriage regardless of whether or not I was invited to her shower or wedding. Wedding gifts aren't an admission ticket to social occasions, they are a way of honoring the transition in someone's life, reaffirming the bonds of family and friendship, and helping a young couple as they start out.

[BrowderChick]

Ok...I understand the situation and she is not obligated to send a gift. She can do so if she chooses. But in respect to it being family and what ever her reasons for not inviting everyone, I would send a card. Something simple. She is acknowledging the wedding. In my book, family is family. Im sure she would understand. :)

[I-am-so-Johns-girl]

I don't think your sister is obligated to send a gift for the shower. It could possibly be awkward for your cousin to have to thank her for the gift for a shower she wasn't invited to. Perhaps, if she wants to give her cousin a gift to acknowledge the marriage, she could send something after the wedding. That way the gift wouldn't be "attached" to the shower or wedding.

[mgraylorn]

Since you asked for an opinion: I personally think it is in poor taste to have TWO wedding parties/showers, expecting people to supply gifts TWICE, when you know they won't be able to attend the wedding. Now if these are really close friends or family, maybe ONE shower or party afterward, but certainly not both. Looks like grabbing for loot to me. No disrespect for your sister, but I personally think that's tacky.

So I completely understand the perspective of the cousin. For whatever reason, maybe financial, she is not having a big wedding. Because she isn't inviting everybody to the wedding, she is only having a shower involving the people who have been invited to the wedding. I'd say your sister is off the hook on sending a gift, again unless the two of them are really close - and I'd guess probably not since she wasn't invited to the wedding. Is the cousin older, or about the same age as your sister, and is this the cousin's first marriage? A remarriage or being much older might also explain the smallness of the wedding.

I haven't been invited to that many weddings, but I have NEVER been invited to a shower where I wasn't given an invitation to the wedding.

[Scarran Raptor]

I'd send her a gag gift, or a nice poem like

"roses are red
violets are blue
I wasn't invited?
okay then, f**k you!"

[LiLOrion]

I'd send her a gag gift, or a nice poem like

"roses are red
violets are blue
I wasn't invited?
okay then, f**k you!"

You have no idea how appropriate that is, especially if it came from my sister. :D

[JadedLegend3]

No. I see no obligation.

[LiLOrion]

The only people who should supply gifts are the ones attending the shower and the ones who were invited to the shower but could not attend.

Thats what I thought.

I find it surprising that the shower is so small, especially for such a small wedding. A shower would normally be a way to include those who are friends, but perhaps not close enough to warrant an invitation.

Again, thats what I thought.

ousin was important enough to me to have been invited to my bridal shower and wedding party, and I was important enough to her that she came (to both) and brought me gifts.

Well my sister's shower was a surprise, so my aunt and grandmother invited her. My sister had nothing to do with the shower invitation list. She only came to my sister's party though, not the shower as she was working.

I personally think it is in poor taste to have TWO wedding parties/showers, expecting people to supply gifts TWICE, when you know they won't be able to attend the wedding. Now if these are really close friends or family, maybe ONE shower or party afterward, but certainly not both. Looks like grabbing for loot to me.

Well my sister didnt know about the shower, it was right before they went away to get married. The wedding party her and my brother-in-law had afterwards was more of a reception type thing, since they didnt have the wedding in a place where EVERYONE could come. And also since not all of my brother-in-law's family/friends were invited to my sister's shower. The shower was mostly our side of the family.
And dont apologize, my little sis is a loot grabber plain and simple. :)


I just think my aunt brought up the brilliant idea of my sister sending a gift along to our second cousin's shower cause my aunt is getting a little aggravated of being invited and having to attend all these family things and I think she feels like if she has to pay for gifts, someone else should to.

I have such a very Jerry Springer family. :D Its all about the money. Those that dont have it want it and hate the ones that do have it and dont freely share it.



Personally I think she should send something, especially since my little sis is also pregnant and will be having a baby shower within the next few months. But I dont think she is obligated to do it, but she should. I dont think she will though cause thats just the way she is and top that with the hormonal prego 'tude she has and well, she's like the spawn of satan. :lol

[mgraylorn]

I can see a reception type thing after the wedding for people who couldn't come to the wedding. That would be appropriate to bring a gift. And it isn't really your sister's fault if the shower was a surprise. I guess I'm just cheap - if I brought a gift for the shower, I wouldn't bring a gift for the reception. I say one gift per "event" - the wedding being the "event".

I guess you have to know the minds of the players. If it were me, I might feel a bit embarrassed to get a gift from someone who was able to attend the wedding and shower, but whom I did not invite. I'd feel like they were calling me on my apparent snubbing of them (but then I'm paranoid...)

Some of women get strange when they get pregnant. Best to stay out of their way and avoid trying to engage in logical arguments. Hopefully they will come back to their right mind afterward. Although I know this one woman who is still warped 16 months after giving birth....

[Mrelia]

Whether or not there's an obligation, a Farsape DVD is always an appropriate gift!

[I-am-so-Johns-girl]

Whether or not there's an obligation, a Farsape DVD is always an appropriate gift!
:spew: That's funny Mrelia! :aok:

[scaperbuddy]

If you aren't invited to the shower or wedding then you aren't obligated to give a gift. If you are close to the person getting married it would be a nice thing to give a small token of your affection or even a card congratulating them. Did they keep it small because of finances? I personally wouldn't give a gift if not invited unless I was close to one of the people getting married.

A gift should come from the heart and not coerced. The person should give it freely and not be forced too.

[LiLOrion]

A gift should come from the heart and not coerced. The person should give it freely and not be forced too.


Exactly. But my family seems to be under the impression that if you get a gift from someone, you should give a gift of equal value in return, even if they dont invite you to a gathering that would give you the opportunity to do so.

And no, my sister and that particular cousin are not close. The first time we had seen her in a while was at my sister's wedding party a few months ago.




And no one in my family besides me likes SciFi, so a Farscape DVD as a gift would be a waste in this case. :D

[scaperbuddy]

Well if she really she really feels she has to then I would give a small amount of money or a small gift certificate to a store. I have read alot of Miss Manners columns and in this situations it sounds like she wouldn't be obligated unless she just wants to keep the peace.