Moby Dick, Ultra-Condensed

[malachilenomade]

Moby Dick

By Herman Melville

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Ishmael
Call me Ishmael.

Captain Ahab
Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.

Crew
Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.
(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)

Captain Ahab
I stab at thee. I stab at thee.
(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)

THE END

Book-a-Minute Classics: http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/classics.shtml

[zahncrelnik]

Thanks, malachilenomade. Here's another...
----------------------

The Great Gatsby

by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ultra-Condensed by Annie Berke
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Gatsby

Daisy, I made all this money for you, because I love you.

Daisy

I cannot reciprocate, because I represent the American Dream.

Gatsby

Now I must die, because I also represent the American Dream.

(Gatsby DIES.)

Nick

I hate New Yorkers.



THE END

Book-a-Minute Classics: http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/classics.shtml

[DRD2001]

Moby Dick Condensed
Whale wins.


Animal Farm
Sausage is good.

Crime and Punishment
Don't kill.

[malachilenomade]

Animal Farm
Sausage is good.

Editor's Note
Because Animal Farm can be read on multiple levels ("multi-leveled," as we say in the industry), we at Book-A-Minute have decided to offer two different ultra-condensed versions of this work. The first is provided for those interested in reading Animal Farm on an intellectual (or "snobby") level, while the second is provided for those interested in reading it on an entertainment (or "stupid") level.
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Animal Farm
(snobby version)
By George Orwell
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Old Major, the Pig
Let us overthrow the depraved czar, Farmer Jones, a symbol of a feudalist government that falls into moral ruin by its own excess and corruption. (dies)
Napoleon, the Pig
Yes, let us indeed overthrow the human oligarchy as Karl Ma--uh, Friedrich Enge--uh, Wladimir Iljitsch Leni--uh, Old Major said.
Snowball, the Pig
Yes. I'll lead the defense, unwary that you, like the other Napoleon, are pulling a strategic Stalinesque maneuver by using our revolution as a means to set up your own cruel totalitarian empire. I'm a regular Leo Dawidowitsch Trotzky!
(Napoleon sicks his pack of secret police dogs on Snowball, and they EXILE him.)

Sheep
See how easily we, the blind followers of our leaders, ignore the facts and are swayed into loyalty by the pushing of emotional buttons? Four legs good. Two legs baaaad.
Rats and Rabbits
Can we, the Menscheviki, be comrades too?
Moses, the Raven
Take comfort in what I, a symbol of the Orthodox Church, say. When you die, you'll go to the glorious Sugarcandy Mountain. So there's no need for revolution after all.
Squealer, the Pig
Go away, opiate of the people. Like Goebbels, the German minister of propaganda, I have a much greater hold on the people than you do.
Pigeons
Let's be the message carriers of communism and spread the doctrine of the revolution far beyond the physical boundaries of our regime.
Boxer, the Horse
Napoleon is always right. Like the Russian working class, I am convinced of the necessity of our revolution, firmly devoted to its cause, and work hard for my leaders.
Napoleon, the Pig
Good horse, Boxer. We need more animals like you.
Boxer, the Horse
I'm old now. At long last, I have reached retirement age. Now I can rest peacefully while Napoleon takes care of me.
Napoleon, the Pig
Think again, you lazy oaf. (sells Boxer for glue)
(The animals destroy the windmill in an action symbolic of the failure of the Five Year Economic Plan. Then the pigs turn into humans. Thus ends this dystopian fable on totalitarianism.)

THE END
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Animal Farm
(stupid version)
By George Orwell
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.
THE END

[malachilenomade]

And this is so sad, but so true:

Xenocide / Children of the Mind
By Orson Scott Card
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
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Barbara Bova
Good news, Orson Scott Card! I have sold the Ender trilogy overseas!
Orson Scott Card
Count them again, Barbara Bova.
Barbara Bova
Horror! On closer inspection, I see there are only two! Quick, you must write a third!
(He does.)
This is too long. Split it into two books.
(He does.)
These suck. There's not a single character in here that can make a simple decision without agonizing over it for pages. Fix that.
(He doesn't.)
THE END

I'm sure I'm going to get crap from that, but I hated Ender's Game... it was nothing but a LOOOOOOOOOONG drawn out dissertation about a bunch of people that couldn't make a decision for themselves... pages and pages of NOTHING.

And I now know where the guys that made the Earthsea mini got their story from:
A Wizard of Earthsea
By Ursula K. LeGuin
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Ged
I have unloosed a great horror upon the world. Worse, it knows my name.
(Ged sails all over the place. He gets all spooky, and the world is safe again.)
THE END