Quick Life question.

[Zantar]

Hey everyone...something has bothered me as of late. Ive been at college for 2 years now. In that time ive changed dramatically...for the better. Yet, whenever i go home everyone else has not changed and they all treat me like the old me. The thing is im not that person anymore and it makes no sense for them to gauge me that way. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

[LiLOrion]

Yes.

When I got back from my first year of college I was the complete opposite of how I was when I left. I was a LOT more talkative and smart-assey round my friends for one thing. And my friends' reaction to me was always, "Oh my god! Who are you and what did you do with ----!?" It got old after the first 20 times I heard it. It took them awhile to get used to me not being quiet and shy, and NOT keeping my mouth shut if I had something to smart-assed to say.

[DRD2001]

After college, I moved to Florida. That is when it happened for me. But when I went to college, I was still in my home town, even though I didn't live with my parents, so that could be one reason. Plus, I always was a late bloomer. :D

[mfa96]

I had the same thing- and that was at my 10 year reunion. I had changed a lot, and I found that many of the people I saw acted the same as they had 10 years earlier (right down to them picking on the same guy in the group).

They gauge you that way because that's how they know you- give them time to get to know you as you are now. I think they are used to interacting with you a certain way, so take your changes (dare I say maturity? :) ) as a good thing, be yourself (don't act the way you always did around them) and they will begin to see you as you are now, not as you were.

[Zantar]

I had the same thing- and that was at my 10 year reunion. I had changed a lot, and I found that many of the people I saw acted the same as they had 10 years earlier (right down to them picking on the same guy in the group).

They gauge you that way because that's how they know you- give them time to get to know you as you are now. I think they are used to interacting with you a certain way, so take your changes (dare I say maturity? :) ) as a good thing, be yourself (don't act the way you always did around them) and they will begin to see you as you are now, not as you were.

Good advice. I realized last night that i act alot more open with my friends in Santa Cruz compared to my friends in Redding. I guess, in a way, i fostered their belief that i hadnt changed. Of course i still did act differently around them...just not as different as i do here. Ill change that once i get back for Spring Break.

It is always strange going back now. I feel like i have these large goals in life that i have to accomplish, and that honestly im moving forward quite wonderfully. However, my friends back home dont seem to be really doing much at all. It kinda depresses me. I guess thats what you get for growing up in a rural area with a horrible college graduation rate.

[ctheokas]

Zantar, I noticed you wrote that you fostered the belief that you hadn't changed. There was some study published in the late 90s about this. The docs said that if someone leaves a peer group for a long time for, say, college, and then they rejoin the peer group for, say, summer break, despite all the changes that have occurred, people tend to revert to their former roles, whether they want to or not. It's a comfort thing, I suppose. You may start to notice it happening with your family, too, which is worse, because you have to hang out with them at some point.

I had the same experience after college, and when I read that article that I just mangled above, I went out of my way not to act the way I once had. Needless to say, I haven't seen any of my high school friends in nearly seven years, with two exceptions (with one friend, we just get along well; with the other, her brother died recently, so I sent condolences).

[AgentSun]

Being at college, you change and develop as a person. but the people at home don't see this on a day to day basis. they see you when you get back and to them, you're still the same person that left...the problem is, you're not the same person that left. you see that but they don't, because their impression is old and hasn't been updated.

I had the same thing- and that was at my 10 year reunion. I had changed a lot, and I found that many of the people I saw acted the same as they had 10 years earlier (right down to them picking on the same guy in the group).

i think to some people, a certain period of time in their lives is "as good as it gets" and when these people stall in that point in their lives, you get the old "remember back when..." nostalgia all the time. it's like they haven't grown up to appreciate anything past high school or college. it often seems like people who live in the past haven't found anything they like about the future that they are living in. these are often people who haven't really made something of themselves the way they imagined they would in college. it's like the law school student becoming a plumber. nothing wrong with that, but the person sees wasted potential and therefore, college becomes the best experience versus the present life which apparently sucks.

i think it's very sad for a lot of people who stall in these points in their life. they don't move on to appreciate the rest of their life or their present, they live in the past.

even though i've been out of high school for 2 years, i see all my friends when i get home from break. i talk to them a lot and we are still friends. i've made college friends too and that's great too. it's one transition to another. i like college a whole lot more...i entered into college knowing who i was instead of entering into high school scared out of my mind and having no friends.

[Selena]

Try travelling and living in another country for a few years. There's 2 groups of people when you get back - those that treat you as if you haven't changed at all and those that don't even remember who you are. :pissed:

[Nicola]

Try travelling and living in another country for a few years. There's 2 groups of people when you get back - those that treat you as if you haven't changed at all and those that don't even remember who you are. :pissed:

I find the worst group is the one that treat you as if you haven't changed at all. I have found travelling and living in another country an enormously enriching experience - gave me a whole new perspective on everything. When I returned I encountered old friends who hadn't changed a bit since high school. Whose perspective on life was identical to the one they held in Junior High, and they refused even to acknowledge that I might hold a legitimately different perspective.

I prefer the people who don't remember me, 'cause at least they treat me as I am... not who they think I should be.

[malachilenomade]

Yes. 6 years in the army and sometimes I would run into people I knew in high school and they still wanted to get back to that mentality... of course, these weren't close personal friends or anything, so they can think what they want.

Doesn't matter now, though... I moved away again ;)

[LiLOrion]

Being at college, you change and develop as a person. but the people at home don't see this on a day to day basis. they see you when you get back and to them, you're still the same person that left...the problem is, you're not the same person that left. you see that but they don't, because their impression is old and hasn't been updated.

Thats true. If I saw my "old" friends more frequently when I was away at school, I dont think they would have reacted as surprised cause it would have been a slow change. But since I was gone for a few months and then came back for a few weeks, it seemed like I had undergone a sudden change when in reality I hadnt.

[cybergal]

It happened to me when my husband and I split up for a year. We got back together and I had changed dramatically and he easily slipped back into the same old pattern. Needless to say, but he's my ex now...

Some people can't get out of their comfort zones no matter how detrimental it is to them, which is why a lot of marriages fail. One grows and the other stays stagnant.

[Sunderflame]

My family thinks I'm a snob. I'm the only one in my family that went to college.

[Zantar]

Thanks for the replies:)

When i go back on spring break (2 weeks from now) im going to make a concerted effort to be who i am now. Even if that will be uncomfortable to the people i knew before.

I have really tried to keep in touch with my friends at home. Ive got a group of 5 or so that i actually care about and try to see. Some of them are improving their lives...but there are 2 of those who arent really doing anything. Its pretty sad.

[AgentSun]

you're very welcome Zantar. it's an interesting subject to discuss.

one of my friends went through a change in college and he wasn't the same carefree friend i had in high school. he was more serious and a bit more mature, though in my mind i think he's being a little too stuffy. i miss the prankster. he doesn't like pranks so much now, he thinks they're mean, even when we're being harmless. that's probably why we t.p.'d his car, though he thought that was pretty funny.

[mfa96]

Good luck back home Zantar.

[grinner]

A wise man said, 'you can never go home again'

[waltersgirl]

Hey everyone...something has bothered me as of late. Ive been at college for 2 years now. In that time ive changed dramatically...for the better. Yet, whenever i go home everyone else has not changed and they all treat me like the old me. The thing is im not that person anymore and it makes no sense for them to gauge me that way. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

imagine a time stream, and you step out of it but the others remain. when you step back in, you, having been changed by existing "outside", see that everyone sees you as you were when you left, because to them, you are still that person. it's the only you that they know.;)

[malachilenomade]

I have really tried to keep in touch with my friends at home. Ive got a group of 5 or so that i actually care about and try to see. Some of them are improving their lives...but there are 2 of those who arent really doing anything. Its pretty sad.

I wouldn't refer to it as sad... some people just aren't meant to change. Everyone has their place and perhaps they've found theirs. Just like you want them to accept you for who you are now and am becoming, so you should accept them for who they are. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable, even if it means one doesn't change.

Just my .02 cents

Good God this computer is so old it doesn't have a character map :eek: