Farscape Technology Everyday Uses

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Tiriel
Not the Gremlin, I'm afraid. You, my friend, are being screwed by Statistics.

Love and Peace and Save The Single Socks!

Tiriel :bounce:

Frelling hezmana! Warn somebody first. I hated Statistics, never did well in that frellin' class, and I was always good at math. It was just so boring, I mean who cares, my odds of winning the lottery still suck! Another useless class I managed to get through in school...

[Frunium Slip]

Selena, remember the force, trust your instincts, just let it flow through your very being... WHAP!!!!

Who the yotz let this old bugger in here! Grab his eema, throw him outside, and blast him to hezmana. Can't even believe some antiquated dren is trying to steal my thread, well my post, no I meant my thread...

Once again, now back to our original programmed thread already in progress...

Originally posted by Selena
... but I digress.

... but I digress again.

Seems you digress a lot. Maybe you should change your diet?

So if you could come up with some gadget or trinket that will put us on equal footing with our adversary we will forever be in your debt ... (which I think we are already) ... er sorry.

Hmmm... I don't know about that equal footing thing, you might have to walk a metra in those shoes, if you know what I mean. Besides there are several diseases of the lower appendages that I don't even want to talk about. What? Huh? A figure of what? Oh, speech, well why the frell didn't you say something, what? Oh, you did... will someone please get this wise eema out of here!

Now where the yotz was I? Oh yeah, trinkets and gadgets. I think we may have just the thing, something we ripped off, er I mean, recently acquired over a cycle ago. The famed Peacekeeper I-Yensch Bracelets, that perfect accessory for those times when you need something more tangible than reassuring words. Always sold in pairs, these bracelets give synchronized nerve impulses between the unfortunate beings that are linked. In other words, anything one of the pair feels, the other feels, if one dies, they both die. So guarantee your safety in any formal meeting by first requiring all pertinent parties to be linked, thus assuring no underhanded activity from either party. Is it secure? Of course! All bracelets can be configured by arming sequences to alleviate any tampering.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-I-YENSCH-U

Warning never reveal your personalized arming sequence to your linked pair as it may defeat the purpose of the bracelet. It may be a good idea to have more than one being know the code, just in case you're forgetful. Never let your assigned being remove his bracelet before you remove yours, there may be dire consequences from that action.

So get your I-Yensch Bracelets from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories and you'll never have to beat your head on the floor ever again. Probably. And as always have a nice day!

PS Selena, you may owe us even more than the grin-man, and we estimate he owes us for four or five lifetimes...

And you could just hint for a product, you don't have to beat me over the head with it, or maybe you do... Just to get my attention.

[Selena]

Once again my friends at Uncharted Territories you have come through and saved the day. As usual, we'll be sending you our Hynerian credit chit in the mail.

As for the frequent digressions I believe it could have something to do with a number of rides in the Aurora chair.

[Midnight27]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
(To Selena) And you could just hint for a product, you don't have to beat me over the head with it, or maybe you do... Just to get my attention.

As I understood it, Frunium, you actually enjoy that kind of customer feedback--so that you are able to stay knowledgeable about what an Uncharted Territories customer really needs. It's a whole different kind of product/market survey. Very immediate and current, and all that yotz. Or did I mis-read that memo?

Midnight

[Frunium Slip]

Are you in need of medical services? Can't seem to quite make it to our infamous Ice Planet Medical Facility? Would you prefer something a little closer to your adobe? Well, have your friends from Uncharted Territories got the solution for you! Just check into our new state of the art Medical Facility Ship, recently acquired at minimal cost. Our medical ship features all the sevices you expect from our planet facility, including highly trained medical staff, fancy equipment, all sorts of machines that go beep, lots of anesthetics, lasers that slice and dice, and the ever popular drugs. if you need it altered, changed, removed, patched, attached, treated, or just examined, our facility is the place for you!

Call our toll free intergalactic medical hotline now, operators are standing by! 1-800-MIS-TAKE

All patients must sign 521 page waiver form letting facilty use the body as a donor in the highly unlikely event of a mishap. Don't worry about compatibilty if receiving any transplants, as the facilty has thousands of donors, and we're adding to the donor list all the time. None of the procedures are guaranteed as we are still practicing medicine until we get it right.

Another fine service brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and may we say have a very nice... you know, you're not looking too good, maybe you ought to check into our facility. Just for a routine checkup. Have you always looked like that? I mean no disrespect, but yotz, if I were you I definitely would have that looked at. You never can tell, the life you save could actually be your own.

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Midnight27
As I understood it, Frunium, you actually enjoy that kind of customer feedback--so that you are able to stay knowledgeable about what an Uncharted Territories customer really needs. It's a whole different kind of product/market survey. Very immediate and current, and all that yotz. Or did I mis-read that memo?

Midnight

Once again Midnight you're right on target. Thanks for keeping me on the straight and narrow. I have always needed to focus on the big picture. Moolah, dinero, krendars, chits, credits, whatever you'd like to call it. Yeah, the big picture. They always say power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, I mean, what the yotz else is it for?

Ah, to be corrupted absolutely...

And if we can appease a few worthless sentients, while taking their hard earned credits, well, that practically qualifies me for priesthood.

Reminds me, I haven't taken advantage of those spiritualists lately, once again thanks Midnight, you are proving a great advantage to the Uncharted Territories team.

Edited for a to 'be' or a not to 'be'

[Selena]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
Are you in need of medical services? Can't seem to quite make it to our infamous Ice Planet Medical Facility? Would you prefer something a little closer to your adobe? Well, have your friends from Uncharted Territories got the solution for you! Just check into our new state of the art Medical Facility Ship, recently acquired at minimal cost. Our medical ship features all the sevices you expect from our planet facility, including highly trained medical staff, fancy equipment, all sorts of machines that go beep, lots of anesthetics, lasers that slice and dice, and the ever popular drugs. if you need it altered, changed, removed, patched, attached, treated, or just examined, our facility is the place for you!

Call our toll free intergalactic medical hotline now, operators are standing by! 1-800-MIS-TAKE

Hey, do you need more staff for that new facility? Need someone with great training and a resume to match? Someone who has helped the slicers and dicers at some of the best Erp facilities? Someone who is on the ball and will not drop that organ when it's ready for implantation? Someone who will always have that laser or instrument ready when you need it? Need someone who is up to date with all the latest and greatest procedures and technology and a wheeler and dealer who will stay within budget? Then you need ME!

My fees are always unreas ... er I mean very reasonable.

When your case load increases don't be caught short-staffed ~ call 1 - 8000 - HIRE-A-NURSE right now and I'll be at your beck and call!

And remember "Dedication doesn't pay the rent!"

[Midnight27]

Frunium:

Adobe or abode? I sincerely hope you weren't trying to just target the sentients that cannot abide the Ice Planet...any sentient near the ship can apply for consideration to be treated. The ship has facilities to handle sentients from a variety of environments.

And I would be happy to provide professional references for Selena. She has paid me a handsome su....I have met her in a prfessional situation and been quite satisfied with her services as a nurse.

Midnight

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Midnight27
Adobe or abode? I sincerely hope you weren't trying to just target the sentients that cannot abide the Ice Planet...any sentient near the ship can apply for consideration to be treated. The ship has facilities to handle sentients from a variety of environments.

Quite right, need to really pay more attention during my elocution classes... Of course we will see any being, sentient or not, that has a legitimate need of medical services, just so long as they have the credits to pay the almost insignificant fees...

And I would be happy to provide professional references for Selena. She has paid me a handsome su....I have met her in a prfessional situation and been quite satisfied with her services as a nurse.

Methinks there may be some double dipping here... We can always use another hand in our medical facilities, trained is usually better. Either that or more eye candy to at least distract the victims, er, I mean patients.

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
Hey, do you need more staff for that new facility? Someone who is on the ball and will not drop that organ when it's ready for implantation? Then you need ME!

Actually dropping the organ is usually OK, losing sight of it generally is not. if the inevitable accident does occur, pllease keep an eye on where the frellin' thing went. I just hate it when things are tracked all over the floor. Plus those booties just get way to slippery. And we're on our fourth diagnosian already, they really ought to make these guys a little less fragile...

My fees are always unreas ... er I mean very reasonable.

I think we're looking for the term negotiable.

And remember "Dedication doesn't pay the rent!"

Yotz yes! Now this is the exact type of being we are looking for!

[Frunium Slip]

Have we got the item for You! Thanks to our endeaverous mole in Peacekeeper Special Weapons, we have recently acquired a weapon so new that the PKs haven't even named it yet! But thanks to your friends at Uncharted Territories we can bring this device to you for an almost insignificant fee! What does it do you might ask? Well let me tell you, it will destroy the very metallic structure of the intended target. Apparently, the Peacekeepers were planning to use this device against enemy ships, destabilizing the crafts structure, causing instabilities in the hull, possibly even rupturing to the vacuum of space. Great for destroying all things metallic. Order yours now, we can guarantee that you'll be the first one in your sector to have one!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-TEST-GUN

Warning this weapon is still considered experimental, and not deemed entirely safe to operate. We do have it on good faith, some vague inuendos, and rumored gossip, that the device really does function as advertised. Purchaser assumes all responsibility for the weapon, its usage, and any consequential incidents generating there from. Uncharted Territories offers no warranty with said device. Intergalactic laws may apply.

Caution never ever use weapon near a Boolite, unless you have a very strong stomache. It may be a little too naked lunch for some sentient beings. If you do happen to fire the weapon by accident too close to a Boolite, we can reassemble the creature up to half a cycle after the incident, possibly. Contact our infamous Ice Planet Medical Facility. Just try not to get any in your eye, or track too many vital parts across the floor with your boots.

Another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always have a nice day!

[Frunium Slip]

Are you a being who has practically everything? Looking for something really exotic that you just can't get anywhere else? Did you just strike the Intergalactic Humongous Game lottery and have more credits than you know what to do with? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the perfect product for you! Thanks to our infamous AMTs, a few enhanced Kalesh freedom fighters, and a little good luck, we have recently acquired a Scarran Dreadnought. Big, beautiful, and can be painted in the ever stylish black, although it would take a frellin' drenful of paint! this baby can be yours today! Fully stocked and outfitted, the dreadnought comes with all the accrutrements one expects for a vessel of war. All transport pods included in purchase price! At twice the size of a Command Carrier, you could very well be the envy of all your affluent friends.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-BIG-N-BAD

Warning purchaser might be required to perform minor clean-up tasks before actually using dreadnought. Uncharted Territories will not be responsible for any unauthorized use of this craft, any illegitimate or illegal activities performed by purchaser, any misunderstanding involving the Scarrans, or any possible bodies that may still be aboard the craft.

Scarran Strykers sold seperately.

Yet another fine product brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and may we say have fun scaring the hezmana out of all those other space travellers.

[Selena]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
Actually dropping the organ is usually OK, losing sight of it generally is not. if the inevitable accident does occur, pllease keep an eye on where the frellin' thing went. I just hate it when things are tracked all over the floor. Plus those booties just get way to slippery. And we're on our fourth diagnosian already, they really ought to make these guys a little less fragile...



I think we're looking for the term negotiable.



Yotz yes! Now this is the exact type of being we are looking for!

:spew: :roflmao:
I never lose sight of the ball ... er I mean organ!

As for my fees being negotiable ... they most certainly are. I have hired a team of litigarans who negotiate on my behalf. I wanted Grndchlk but regrettably he was indisposed due to some unpleasantlness during a recent encounter with an old acquaintance of his.:ewink:

____________________________________________
edited due to the grief I was getting from my fiends at UTs about one tiny typo! Now get the frell off my case! :whip:

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
:I never lose sight of the ball ... er I mean organ!

As for my fees being negotioable ... they most certainly are. I have hired a team of litigarans who negotiate on my behalf. I wanted Grndchlk but regrettably he was indisposed due to some unpleasantlness during a recent encounter with an old acquaintance of his.

Never be behind the eight ball, or be a fifth wheel, two's company three's a hezmana of a good time, and always carry a bigger gun. Just a few rules to live by...

Good we love negotioating, even negotiating sometimes. Litagarans huh, well our negotiating team consists of our more exuberant AMTs, I'm sure the negotiations will go our way. Don't worry about old Grunchlk, he's very durable, and we found him very cooperative when we released him from that cryogenic freezer chamber. Very cooperative.

If you happen to know any diagnosians, we can always use new ones, as we do keep losing one every now and again.

PS If you do indeed come to work for us, never, ever refer to the AMTs as space pirates, they really do hate that. And it is usually a good idea to keep on their good side, if that's the proper term.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you still looking to see into the future? The electric shock therapy didn't do the proper job? Maybe you're just a glutton for punishment? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the service for you! We will attach an Energy Rider to your being in our exclusive limited time offer! This beauty will bond firmly to your very being, with minimal effort, and a maximum price! Once attached the Energy Rider may control your body for an almost insignificant amount of time. Then we'll just gently persuade the little maggot to release you. A vilola! Your potential future flash abilities may very well begin to function! Don't hesitate, call now, your future awaits!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-C-TOMORO

Warning Uncharted Territories in no way guarantees that any victim, er I mean customer, will actually develop future flash capabilities. As a matter of fact, we will not guarantee we can even remove the Energy Rider. Company can confirm through vague rumors, subtle inuendos, and uncomfirmed hearsay, that future flash capabilites have been developed by personel in the immediate past. Company does guarantee that we will attempt to remove Energy Rider to the best of our abilities, or until your funds run out.

There are additional unconfirmed reports that future flash ability may lead to blindness, however it is stated that the effects are temporary. We at Uncharted Territories know that this information will not daunt you in your quest for future visions, as your mother has told you that you would go blind if you don't stop doing that certain thing you do for years, and you haven't stopped yet.

Another fine service brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and may we say have a nice day! And cut that out, you may just go blind like your mother warned you!

[Frunium Slip]

Are you having trouble talking to your significant other? Not getting along with a crew mate after your twin has passed on to the afterlife? Maybe just trying to break the ice with that hot looking Peacekeeper babe? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the device for you. Just order one of our Peacekeeper Turbo-Sealers and this baby will melt the heart of that ice queen. I know what you're asking, how the yotz is a tool going to help me with the babes? Well, let me be the first to tell you, that with the proper tool all the babes will be yours. Just imagine yourself working beside that hot alien, when you non-chalantly ask for the turbo-sealer. What a way to jump start a relationship! And it's a great tool as well! Don't hesitate, order your Peacekeeper Turbo-Sealer today!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-A-REAL-TOOL

Warning Uncharted Territories does not guarantee 100% successful results, but with the proper witty conversation that hot alien can be yours! Just try to think of some cute colloquiums, we've heard that certain Erp terms work very well, and everybody loves alien terms! Never be lonely again!

Witty dialogue not provided, you'll just have to make up your own. Fluffy pink slippers and cartoon ducks may be sold seperately, check for availability.

Caution, female Peacekeepers can be dangerous, especially if pregnant. If you think you may be dealing with a pregnant Peacekeeper, we urge the utmost caution, and you may want to buy a copy of our book, What to do with a Pregnant Sebacean, Peacekeeper Addition. You can never be too careful, the life you save may be your own.

Another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always have a nice day!

[Frunium Slip]

Is your business not performing as well as you'd like financially? Do you feel like it has become a weight around your neck? On some days do you wish it could just dissapear? Do you have plenty of insurance? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the service for you! Just take advantage of our very own Arsonist Tag Team to alleviate all your failing business concerns. Our crack team of arsonists will discreetly and effectively destroy your establishment, allowing you to pocket the insurance monies. Simple, discreet, eloquent, and they're blue! These guys are the finest arsonists available! As an added bonus, they can even make it look like an almost real robbery! And it's so easy!

Just call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-FIRE-SALE

Warning do not try and deviate from any stated plans, as our crack duo may become confused, frustrated and agitated. As a matter of fact, try not to have any conversations with the bird-brains at all, if you can help it. If the highly trained idiots do get caught, don't worry, no authorities will ever believe that anyone would be so desperate as to hire these two bufoons.

Uncharted Territories requires that all insurance beneficiaries check back with us after receiving claims credits. In person with the credits. Just so we can be sure that the credits are dispersed to the right personages.

Another fine service from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, have fun burning down the house! And if you really do have something of value, don't forget to contact us, we'll be glad to help you get rid of it!

[Selena]

Do they do anything with insider stock trading problems?
If not, then do you have anything in your well stocked arsenal that could help one finding themselves in such circumstances?

As always, if you come up with some ingenius idea we will forever be in your debt!

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
Do they do anything with insider stock trading problems?

Trade stockings inside her? What the frell? These translator microbes are not working again...

Just a microt, while I alleviate the translator problems...

There, that's better, now where were we? Oh yeah, insider stock trading problems. Let me see, stock trading, what the frellin' yotz is that, hold on, Starburst, Stevva, ah, here we are stock trading... Erp term... common means of transferring shares... investment purposes... speculation... potential profits... insider trading...

OK, I think I've got it, but I wonder if it's contagious?

If not, then do you have anything in your well stocked arsenal that could help one finding themselves in such circumstances?

Trust me we know about circumstances. Have you tried just playing dumb? Nah, it never works for me either. Now bribery, that usually works, most local enforcement officials are open to some form of bribery, especially if they are elected officials, of course if you ran into a Pa'u Do Gooder, then we're talking some serious incarceration.

Well your friends at Uncharted Territories have the answer for you! Have you tried consorting,er I mean consulting with our fine staff of litagarans? The finest group of litagarans anywhere this side of Litagara itself. These frellnicks would cheat their own mothers, defend the most reknowned criminal ( I should know), and appeal 'til the prosecutors are blue in the face, or red if Delvian. Sure you're probably guilty as hezmana, but what difference does that make if you've got the credits? All galactic citizens know that the rich elite never get convicted. And our fine staff will never let a rich client be convicted. So call our personal litagarans at the fine offices of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, where no case is too small, nor any fee too high.

Specializing in criminal defense, alimony distribution, bankruptcy filing and cause of, traffic offenses, personal injuries, and sexual harassment cases.*

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, to set up an appointment with Dewey, Cheatham and Howe!
1-800-CHEAT-YOU

*Dewey, Cheatham and Howe have successfully defended several known criminals right up to their execution, have bilked thousands out of their alimony, bankrupted untold numbers, called in our Aggressive Merchant Tradesmen to settle overdue accounts, and really specialized in sexual harassment.

No need to thank your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, your credits will do just fine.

As always, if you come up with some ingenius idea we will forever be in your debt!

You know this owing us forever thing is not putting the krendars in the old Hynerian bank if you know what I mean...

[Selena]

:roflmao: :rollin: :lol

Should we just state that we are eternally grateful??? Doesn't have the same ring to it!

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
Should we just state that we are eternally grateful???

Eternally grateful? Well if you were Delvian or Hynerian that would mean something, sort of...

Doesn't have the same ring to it!

A ring? What type of ring? Is it valuable? an old family heirloom? Made of precious metals? It must have some value, and we do have a exquisite pawn shop. Just hop on over to Frunium's Pawn and Gun over at 157 Frunium Way, turn left at the big mellet, you can't miss it!

[Selena]

It's a rather insignificant ring with 3 very small stones.

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
It's a rather insignificant ring with 3 very small stones.

That is a very small stone...

That is another very small stone...

That is yet another very small stone...

Ah, splendid.

Enough reminiscing, time is , oh what the frell, back to our thread already in progress...

Are you seeking guidance in affairs of the heart? Need someone to share your inner feelings and desires? Need a sounding board for when all's not well in loveland? Just need a big shoulder to cry on? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the perfect help line for you! Just use our Luxan Advice Line to ask all those pertinent love questions. Although our Luxan was a former general, he is actually a domesticated family man and farmer at heart. Great at penetrating to the core of the matter when things are most difficult, our Luxan always offers great commentary, deep understanding and sage advice. He has specialized in alien affairs, and even has experience with that strange breed of Erp men. One of the few non-Sebaceans that has survived living with a pregnant Peacekeeper, we know he can answer even the most difficult questions. Don't hesitate, call now, your love life won't wait!

Call our toll free intergalactic love line now, operators are standing by! 1-800-U-R-KIDDING

All calls are recorded for prosperity, and profitability, if we deem it worthy, we will sell it to our partner network Skiffie, where you can watch all the reality shows that you can stomache all the time! If the near impossible does happen and you do stump our love line expert, don't fear, we have many consolation prizes available for participating!

Consolation prizes are free, but have taxes, freight, shipping and handling charges attached. Never fear, for your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories will handle all the details, and credits for you, just present an accredited voucher chip, or cash!

So call our esteemed Luxan Advice Line now, your future love life may depend on it, probably, or not.

[Midnight27]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
Is your female Peace Keeper giving you more than the usual trouble? Are you getting more of the 'evil eye,' or the cold blank stare? Does she seem more perturbed than usual? Eating strange food combinations? Recurrent stomach illness or nausea? Your friends at Uncharted Territories have the answer for you! Yes, the long awaited sequel to our previous book is here! Order your personal copy of "What to do with a Pregnant Sebacean, Peace Keeper Addition." The very book that just might save your life!

Step by step, easy to follow instructions will keep you from falling into the many pitfalls that accompany the pregnancy of Sebacean Peace Keepers. Learn the essential facts for survival, such as, hiding all sharp utensils, unloading all weapons, maintaining distance, wearing earplugs, and donning full body armor. Plus, an entire chapter called 'The PK Look, What the Yotz did that Mean?'

We, your friends at Uncharted Territories, know full well how easy it is to make a fatal error during this trying time! And this book will help keep you from these errors, such as, asking her questions like Is this some more of your Peace Keeper PMS?, and the ever dangerous what's the matter?

So, call our toll free intergalactic number now to order your personal copy of "What to do with a Pregnant Seabacean, Peace Keeper Addition, your very life just might depend on it!

Brought to you from your friends at Uncharted territories.


I'd like to order two (2) copies (one for work, and one for home), please. I am in an unconscionably generous mood this week, and am attempting to give my house- and office-mates the best possible chance at surviving the next few months. I am also requesting priority shipping, since I'm quite sure that this mood will leave me shortly. I am enclosing sufficient funds to cover shipping and handling (once my employee discount is applied, of course).

In connection with this request, Frunium, I am also looking for advancement opportunities with UT during this time. I feel that I may be able to assist, say, the Collection Department in collecting delinquent--I mean, just slightly overdue--payments. With my 'sweet' and 'friendly' attitude, I believe I may be able to convince some of the very old (and still living) beings who still owe us to settle their debts.

Thanks,
Midnight

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Midnight27
I'd like to order two (2) copies (one for work, and one for home), please. I am in an unconscionably generous mood this week, and am attempting to give my house- and office-mates the best possible chance at surviving the next few months. I am also requesting priority shipping, since I'm quite sure that this mood will leave me shortly. I am enclosing sufficient funds to cover shipping and handling (once my employee discount is applied, of course).

No problem Midnight, two copies will be shipped by HyperExpress Mail. One can never be too careful when dealing with a pregnant Peacekeeper. You must be in the very, very early stages, you know, before the Luxan hyper-rages start. This is the first time one of our esteemed books has been requested by someone other than the significant other, I hope all your loved ones appreciate this effort you are making on their behalf.

In connection with this request, Frunium, I am also looking for advancement opportunities with UT during this time. I feel that I may be able to assist, say, the Collection Department in collecting delinquent--I mean, just slightly overdue--payments. With my 'sweet' and 'friendly' attitude, I believe I may be able to convince some of the very old (and still living) beings who still owe us to settle their debts.

Depending on your advanced stage of this affliction, we your friends at Uncharted Territories might suggest another route. As we are interested in keeping customers alive, we might not want you in the collection part of the company. We do however, always have openings among our more vigorous AMTs, who we use for looting, er I mean, scavenging near derelict space craft. We can always use beings with 'sweet' and 'friendly' attitudes for these type of mercantile expeditions. And during these procedures, we definitely don't want any survivors, er, witnesses, er I mean third party observers. A great oppertunity for a Peacekeeper in the advanced gestation cycle.

As always great hearing from you Midnight, although I will be required to miss our next few meetings, purely business related reasons, of course. Nothing to do with your temperment, I assure you, and have a great day, just not too near me.

PS best wishes to all your friends and loved ones in these most trying of times, make frellin' sure they read the books, if they know what's good for them.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you afraid to travel the cosmos alone in your ship? Concerned about the rash of looting, pillaging and stealing that is currently happening? Just want that extra security of knowing that the finest in totalitarian enforcement is standing by just for you? Or perhaps you're of a more unsavory type, who wants to lure enforcement ships in to restock your inventory of great PK items? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the device for you! Order a new Peacekeeper Distress Signal Device for your vessel, and never feel completely alone again! Simple, inexpensive, easy to use, and available in the ever stylish black, these signaling devices are made of common parts, and we have them in quantity!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-U-CALL-THIS-HELP?

Caution Uncharted Territories in no way means to imply that Peacekeeper forces will actually help the purchaser. We do imply that Peacekeeper forces will investigate the signal, and then take appropriate action as they see fit. We do not know how individual Peacekeeper officers will react upon encountering purchaser's ship. They may help, but then again they may not.

Company does not advise that Scarrans, Charrids, Nebari, or any other race currently at odds with Peacekeeper High Command purchase or use the distress signal in an emergency crisis. Known intergalactic criminals, also may want to refrain from purchase and use. It will lead to no good, we're pretty sure of that.

Another fine product brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always have a very nice day!

[Midnight27]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
No problem Midnight, two copies will be shipped by HyperExpress Mail. One can never be too careful when dealing with a pregnant Peacekeeper. You must be in the very, very early stages, you know, before the Luxan hyper-rages start. This is the first time one of our esteemed books has been requested by someone other than the significant other, I hope all your loved ones appreciate this effort you are making on their behalf.
They'd better!!:whip: ;)
Depending on your advanced stage of this affliction, we your friends at Uncharted Territories might suggest another route. As we are interested in keeping customers alive, we might not want you in the collection part of the company. We do however, always have openings among our more vigorous AMTs, who we use for looting, er I mean, scavenging near derelict space craft. We can always use beings with 'sweet' and 'friendly' attitudes for these type of mercantile expeditions. And during these procedures, we definitely don't want any survivors, er, witnesses, er I mean third party observers. A great oppertunity for a Peacekeeper in the advanced gestation cycle.
I hadn't hoped to look that high in the company, since I have only been with the company such a short time. I would more than willing to accept a position amongst the AMTs during this time. I'm sure they will find me an enthusiastic and capable team-member. And I've noticed that the "hyper-rages" have actually started early this time, so I will be able to transfer as soon as they have found a bunk for me. I expect that I will be able to assist in the office for some time yet, via comms. I will announce my happy situation to the research staff at our weekly meeting next week. I know that they will receive the news well, as you have, Frunium.
As always great hearing from you Midnight, although I will be required to miss our next few meetings, purely business related reasons, of course. Nothing to do with your temperment, I assure you, and have a great day, just not too near me.

I totally understand. I know that we will be able to handle all meetings via comms, esp. while I am attached to the AMTs. Thank you for your support and faith in my abilities. I trust I won't let Uncharted Territories down.

Midnight

[Frunium Slip]

Don't you just love enthusiasim like that, makes my poor heart go a flutter. And your friends at Uncharted Territories do wish you, Midnight and yours our very best wishes...

Now enough sentimentality, there's krendars to be had so back to our thread allready in progress...

Are you looking to move up in the galaxy? Need to advance your position in life? Too late to offer yourself as a virgin and didn't have a palace to bribe the Scarrans? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories may have the answer for you! We have received numerous inquiries from the Hynerian Empire for beings to join the esteemed staff of Dominar Bishan I! You can work for a supreme ruler of over 600 billion loyal subjects! Think of the prestige! Think of the power! Dominar Bishan has been experiencing a few minor problems during his illustrious reign and needs just a few more loyal subjects surrounding him to ensure his stable rule of his vast empire. Should be an easy gig knowing his stature among his loyal subjects. Don't hesitate, we're sure these positions will fill up fast!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-2-DOMINATE

We are sure you'll just love your position directly under the esteemed Dominar, and remember Dominars never need rest, at least until after they've had their pleasure. If you do need a little help with the Dominar just think of the Hynerian's three stomaches, and the littlest heart you've ever seen.

You can be just that close to ruling over a great empire! And it all can fall into your hands with the right resume, a little luck, some devious plotting, and a couple of assinations.

Another fine oppertunity brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and may we say have fun storming the Dominar's castle.

[Selena]

One of my crewmates claims he was deposed by his cousin in a coup. Do you have any suggestions as to how he could retake his throne. He's a right little tyrant but he does grow on one (like fungus on moist soil).

[Frunium Slip]

Oh no you don't! Whoa! I said whoa mule! This thread is not going to page two, no way, no how. I just won't let it...

Tirade over, let's rejoin our programming thread, allready in progress...

Do you feel like your an outsider in your own world? Don't fit into your society's little niche's? Do you need a more relaxed social setting without all the pressures? Perhaps just wanting a little experimentation in your life? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the perfect place for you! Just join our exclusive Noncomformist Nebari Colony and Health Spa. Great for those beings who want to see how the other half lives! Are you looking for same sex, different sex, alien sex, or just no sex, this is the ideal spa for all beings! Heavily populated with Nebari Androgens, this world caters to everyone, normal and freaks alike. No pressure, no hangups, just do your own thing man! Never worry if that tralk you just picked up is your type, yotz they're probably an Androgen, which means they can be anything you want! Don't hesitate to call for the time of your life!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-U-FREAK-U

Warning Androgens are neither male nor female, we aren't really sure what they are. Uncharted Territories takes no responsibility for any being who may experience trauma from attending the health spa, nor will we re-inburse said individuals for any psychotherapy that may be required from their sexual confusion. Hezmana, you were probably that way before you attended the spa, I mean, why would you go to a place like this in the first place? Company reserves the right to record via video coms any activities that occur at the spa, for security reasons only, well maybe a little private entertainment, and quite possibly potential blackmail purposes.

Another fine service brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and remember we will never judge you, you sick perverted freak. And as always, have a nice day... get away from me you sick bastiche!

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
One of my crewmates claims he was deposed by his cousin in a coup. Do you have any suggestions as to how he could retake his throne. He's a right little tyrant but he does grow on one (like fungus on moist soil).

Hmmm... little tyrant, grows like a fungus, deposed by a cousin...

I'll take Hynerian Dominars for $1000 Alex.

Well, we, your friends at Uncharted Territories may be able to accommodate that request, it's what we do, and we're very good at it. Assasination, coup, overthrow of a legitimate government, whatever you want to call it, if the price is right, it can be done. Of course we'll want exclusive trade rights throughout the empire, in addition to our usual exhorbiant fee.

Now for the particulars, we'll need an assasin, er, executioner, no I mean, an agent of aggressive change to reform the current government. But for this action we won't be able to use our usual AMTs, for you must remember that Hynerians are aquatic, therefore we'll need another aquatic being. And we have just the being in mind, he's stealthy, precise, clean and especially available, all things necessary to pull this type of improvement off. We call him Oo-Nii, but you may know him better as the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Now I know what you're thinking, how can we get this big lug through security, easy! First, Dominar Bishan is requesting additional personal staff, and we can embellish a resume pretty well when we want to. Plus, we can use our Genetic Transmutation services to make him more appealing to the little toad. This will put a time constraint on the contract, as the transmutations are not permanent.

We will have to keep your wannabe Dominar handy, for safekeeping, readily available to step into the power vacuum, and within our reach, just in case. Purely for goverment stability, and in no way meant to convey special priviledges to our guild, tradesmen, or myself. No, never for that reason.

In case of a failure, well, we will have a back up plan, just in case. It is fairly simple, devious, and nearly foolproof, just like all plans. Your friends at Uncharted Territories have a few unsavory connections, I know you shudder to think that, but we do. And we can arrange to put a little Hynerian Tralk in the Dominar's harem, trained in political maneuvers, so when little sluggo falls asleep, he won't wake up. Ever.

Thanks for keeping your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories in mind, and as always if you didn't buy it here, you didn't get it from us.

Edited for one little almost insignificant typo, what exactly is a gig anyway?...

[Selena]

:roflmao:
Once again our Friends at Uncahrted Territories have come through for us! What an outfit!

We'll take one thanks! Don't wrap it, we'll wear it! :lol

[ConnieLyn]

On the way to work? Tired of traveling along behind some sight-seeing grannykins going 2 microts per hour? Then jump in this beautiful prowler and raise some hezmana. Custom colors on request. Allow at least 48 arns for two-tone painting.

[ConnieLyn]

What about an I Yensch bracelet for you and your mate? Feel him up when he's not even around. Touch you, touch him. Oo lah lah!

[Selena]

Originally posted by ConnieLyn
On the way to work? Tired of traveling along behind some sight-seeing grannykins going 2 microts per hour? Then jump in this beautiful prowler and raise some hezmana. Custom colors on request. Allow at least 48 arns for two-tone painting.

What's this? Is it open season on Grannies??? :pissed: Just wait till the years starburst by and you find yourself looking at life from that end!

[ConnieLyn]

HOME FOR SALE:

Always on the move and tired of packing? Then this leviathan is for you. Only 4 lifecycles old and in great condition. Just park it on the piece of land you want and when the time comes to move, just starburst to your new destination. Little upkeep is needed as DRDs come with purchase. They take care of cleaning and maintenance but still leave you plenty of privacy. Leviathan comes in neutral colors, both inside and out and will go well with any surroundings. Plenty of rooms, long hallways, one huge "big screen" window and additional port-hole windows. In addition, there is a leviathan driver we like to call "Pilot". Don't be afraid of Pilot, he and the DRDs work hand-in-hand to keep your leviathan in tip-top shape.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you in need of emergency medical services? Can't ever seem to make it to our Ice Planet Medical Facility. Don't want to wait around for our Hospital Ship to cruise by. Have you always stated, I could easily do that. Well, now you can! Your friends at Uncharted Territories have the service for you! Just attend our new Diagnosian Medical School and Training Facility, the place to go for all those Diagnosian wannabes! Sure we can't actually train you to diagnose medical problems using your sense of smell like an actual Diagnosian, but we can give you some mostly adequate training in the medical field. And don't worry about mistakes, they happen all the time, just remember to use our special patient waiver form, and you'll be completely safe from any and all malpractice suits.

Call our toll free intergalctic hotline now, operators are standing by! 1-800-CUT-U-UP-2

You too can be an esteemed medical surgeon, and it's all so easy! No prior skill needed! Although it might help if you don't faint at the sight of blood. We even graduated a one-eyed Hemock with no 3-D vision and he's just worked out swell! Just listen to this royal endorsement:

"That yotz! He sewed my robes to my chest! I would have castrated him but I was too busy trying to keep my guts from spilling out on the frelling floor!"

Hey, what can we say, this royal slug lived to talk about it! A fine example of the type of medical practitioners that we graduate, and that are now practicing medicine throughout the known galaxies!

Caution company warns against operating on oneself, large violent beings, and generally all viscious cutthroats who may seek retribution. Uncharted Territories recommends that in the case of minor mishaps, surgeons leave no witnesses, it just makes things easier that way.

And if you don't actually want to get elbows down into bodily organs, you can still visit all of our infamous medical facilities, as we'll keep practicing medicine until we get it right.

Yet another fine service brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, good luck in your new field, and as always have a nice day!

[Selena]

Are contracts you sign unenforceable? Do unscrupulous companies shaft you at every turn? Are the warranties for things you purchase useless? Do you find promises and claims made in ads you see totally false? Are swindlers and henchmen making you their bully boy? Then you need us! Litigarans are standing by to help you out of your deep doodoo. Don't hesitate call us right now! Call 1-8000-FILE-A-SUIT.

[ConnieLyn]

Originally posted by Selena
What's this? Is it open season on Grannies??? :pissed: Just wait till the years starburst by and you find yourself looking at life from that end!


Don't be mad. I was just playing along with the spirit of this thread. No open season on Grannies - promise ! I'm no spring chicken either, just threw that phrase in there for humor. And believe me I make plenty of humor at my own expense and those like me. No real picking, just playing at being funny. Sorry for offense!:( :thumbs:

[Selena]

I wasn't mad, just felt miffed that grannies were being singled out.:D I know some grandpas that fall into the same category :lol.

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
Are contracts you sign unenforceable? Do unscrupulous companies shaft you at every turn? Are the warranties for things you purchase useless? Do you find promises and claims made in ads you see totally false? Are swindlers and henchmen making you their bully boy? Then you need us! Litigarans are standing by to help you out of your deep doodoo. Don't hesitate call us right now! Call 1-8000-FILE-A-SUIT.

Now what in the blue fires of Hezmana is this? Do I look like a frelling complaint department? Someone must have woken up on the wrong side of the sleep cubicle. Either that or really took that old biddy thing way too personally. But why vent your anger at us? We never said anything about little old ladies blocking traffic, not even one peep about most of 'em can't even see over the steering wheel, nor anything about supporting bingo just to keep grandma off the street. Nope. We never stated anything like that. Not once.

Unenforceable contracts: Well your friends at Uncharted Territories have never signed a contract with anyone. Ever. I did have to sign an affadavit once, but that's not the same thing.

Warranties useless: Well, we have always stood behind our warranties. Sometimes as far back as we can get.

Promises and claims totally false: Now this is just blatant untruth, we your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories have never placed anything in any ad that was totally false. Me thinks it was just misinterpreted.

Swindlers and henchmen: You sound like my mother.

Bully boy: What are you some kind of wimp? Why I should send a couple of AMTs over to see you, I'm sure they can straighten things out.

Litagarans: Filing a suit against us? Now that is a hoot. We have half of Litagara on retainer. Though we almost never have to use them.

Of course if this threat was not aimed at us, well, forget we ever said anything. And as always have a nice day.

You old bat. Hill? What hill? I don't remember no hill...

[Selena]

And you think I woke up on the wrong side of the sleep cubicle! :rollin: Are we just a tad caffeine deprived or what! :coffee:
Just what makes you think we even had your 'firm' in mind?:nana:
Advertising in this cut-throat business is essential to our survival!
________________________________________________
Feeling paranoid? Afraid that someone - or everyone - is out to get you? Unable to sleep because of constant nagging little voices in your head? Always looking over your shoulder in public because you think you're being followed? Don't despair we can help! Granny's potion will have you in a state of euphoria before you can say psyki - psych - psychiat ... shrink! Just call Noranti's Notions at 1-8000-LAKKA ROOT.

Shipping and handling extra. Allow 4-6 months for shipping. And don't forget just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you!

[Frunium Slip]

Do you have an unwanted visitor aboard your ship? Need a bit more muscle in your security? Maybe just trying to quietly help those in-laws out of your abode? Or, would like to remove a certain pain in the eema? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the answer for you! Purchase our newly acquired Brindz Hound today, and never worry about unwanted guests ever again. Or any guest for that matter. Big, bad, fast, intimidating, and all teeth, the Brindz Hound will certainly take a bite out of any intruders you might have. And don't worry about your own safety, these guard dogs are fairly highly trained, and have almost never attacked an owner. So order your very own Brindz Hound today, and scare the yotz out of all your neighbors.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-SOME-PET

Warning never let anyone else feed your Brindz Hound as this is the thing that differentiates you the owner from the rest of the vermin that hang around you. It is also advisable to never forget to feed your hound. The consequences may leave a deep impression on you.

Rabbits, u-man goats, and rope sold seperately.

Uncharted Territories will not be held responsible for any mischevious accidents that your new hound may get you into. If you do just happen to be mauled by your aggressive attack animal, you can always check into one of our infamous medical facilities, if you think that would help.

Another fine product brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted territories, and as always have a nice day.

Edited to add:

After you purchase your new Brindz Hound you can listen to that great Erp tune Who Let the Dogs Out... and yell I just did, as everyone runs for their very lives...

[Frunium Slip]

Page two? What the frell?

Have you always imagined yourself living in a past life? Have you felt like you just don't fit in this space time continuum? Are you into 'living history?' Or are you just interested in ancient species? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the solution for you! Our intrepid AMTs have just appropriated a small religious community on a planet called Arnessk. At first we were gonna just waist the frellnicks, but up pops this red-haired beauty (props to Roland for all the nasty things I've said about Jool), and begins a somewhat long winded discourse on how ancient this civilization actually is. About the time I was drifting off to snoozeville, she states that the priests are 12,000 cycles old. No, not the religious order, not the building, not the city itself, but the priests themselves, each one is over 12,000 cycles old. Now, I says to myself, self I says, there may be opportunity here, credit making opportunity, as if there was any other kind. So, being the friends of archeological findings that we are, Uncharted Territories proudly offers you the most unique historical journey, ever, and unique is always valuable. Don't hesitate to call, our Historical Fact Finding Trip to Arnessk and Health Spa could very well be that once in a lifetime oppertunity that you've been waiting for!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-HOW-OLD?

Additional bonus, vague rumors, and innuendos suggest that the priests may have had something to do with the Pax Scarranus, the truce maintained for 500 generations between the Scarran Empire and the Sebaceans. Our interpid AMTs are currently ransacking, er I mean scientifically searching for information on this event, as we can see a significant profit potential, er I mean boon for all galactic beings.

Warning archeological site is overseen by Joolushku Tunai Fenta Hovalis, an Interion, and yes she's as uppity as her name sounds. She can be slightly irritating, unappreciative, condecending, and occaisionally moody. Treat her with caution, and hope she doesn't scream in your ear. She may be unavailable for discourse as our crack team of inquisitors may be questioning her at certain periodic times.

Have fun on your field trip, and remember if you want it now, and you've got the credits, all you have to do is call your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories. And as always have a nice day!

[Selena]

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

[Selena]

Is your prowler returning from wormhole travel filled with goo? Do you have a hard time getting those fried circuits cleaned? Is your new space craft losing that just off the sky lot smell? Then you need our services. We'll not only clean your ship with the help of our fleet of DRDs but we'll restore that just new feel ... no mess is too tough for these little tykes.
Call us at 1-8000-NO-SHIP-MESS and we will take care of you. Watch us make your business our business!

[Frunium Slip]

Are you nervous about parking your new ride in a disreputable section of the galaxy? Want to ensure that it is there when you return? Or perhaps want to make sure that those frellniks you've been tracking across the universe don't vamoose on you? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the product for you! Purchase our newly acquired Grudek Magnetic Locking Systems, install in place and rest assured that your vehicle will not wander off during your absence. Simple to use, light weight, with keypad contol, and in the ever stylish black, these mag locks are that perfect accessory when you need to leave your ship. Need it installed? Our custom installers can do it for you, at an almost insignificant cost! Quantities are limited, so don't hesitate to order your lock system now!

Call our toll free intergalactic number, operators are standing by! 1-800-LOCK-IT-DOWN

I personally use this type of lock system myself, and I have never had any trouble at all, even on those late nights at the strip cl, er I mean, office.

Warning locks only ensure that your craft is physically there, rims, hubcaps, tires, and other accessories are not covered by locking system. I usually pay the kid on the corner a few credits to watch mine, but hey, if your too cheap, maybe you do need to buy a few new items for your vehicle. If you do just happen to forget your code, we your friends at Uncharted Territories can easily check our system for your code, and with our failsafe tracking system, conveniently installed at no additional cost, we can locate your treasured vehicle any time we like. Now don't you feel safer allready?

Yet another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and never really worry about being late again, until you meet your significant other at home anyway. And as always have a wild time, er, a nice day.

Edited to correct one lil' frellin' typo, I mean what is scetion anyway?

[Frunium Slip]

Looking for a little extra push in your life? Does it seem that your gods aren't listening to you? Perhaps you just want to cover all the bases? Or just want to make that trip to Arnessk extra special? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the product for you! Just purchase a rare breed of four eyed goats in our exclusive limited time offer! Perfect for those bloody sacrifices that the elder gods expect! But why buy just one, you'll need extras for those times when your life needs just a bit more devine guidance. Don't hesitate, supplies are limited.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-LAMBS-TO SLAUGHTER

Warning Uncharted Territories takes no responsibilty for any elder gods that you might anger, and or forget through your sacrifices. Results may vary.

Your stay at our special Arnessk spa will be greatly enhanced with the goat scarifices, a cultural event that has occurred for millenia. If you do not want to get knee deep in gore, there are priests and mystics to perform the deed for you, you insufferable little wimp. Real revellers will want to partake of the raw heart eating ceremony that always follows the ritual sacrifices.

Another fine service brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories. And as always have a nice day.

[Selena]

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin:
Originally posted by Frunium Slip
... If you do just happen to forget your code, we your friends at Uncharted Territories can easily check our system for your code, and with our failsafe tracking system, conveniently installed at no additional cost ...

So now you're giving it away free huh!
A fine mess this will turn out to be!
No good can come from this my friends at Uncharted Territories!

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
So now you're giving it away free huh!
A fine mess this will turn out to be!
No good can come from this my friends at Uncharted Territories!

Well, free is actually a great selling point! I mean just mention some little token as coming free with your overpriced product, and the sales figures shoot up!

Besides, we will be covering any lost profit by stealing, er I mean, acquiring a few of the more expensive, er, exotic vehicles. I mean, like, we can track them anywhere, and we do have the access codes to the locking mechanism...

Hey, it's what we do, and we're very, very good at it.

[Midnight27]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
Besides, we will be covering any lost profit by stealing, er I mean, acquiring a few of the more expensive, er, exotic vehicles. I mean, like, we can track them anywhere, and we do have the access codes to the locking mechanism...

Hey, it's what we do, and we're very, very good at it.

And I am quite enjoying the exercise, Frunium...I mean, I have an opportunity to study and learn different technologies, and operate said in a very short period of time. I can operate independent of supervision (until I land on the AMT ship). Plus I can go really fast!!!! This was a wonderful assignment you've found for me. I do believe my team leader is satisfied with the arrangements as well.

Midnight

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Midnight27
And I am quite enjoying the exercise, Frunium...I mean, I have an opportunity to study and learn different technologies, and operate said in a very short period of time. I can operate independent of supervision (until I land on the AMT ship). This was a wonderful assignment you've found for me. I do believe my team leader is satisfied with the arrangements as well.

Midnight

Wonderful news, Midnight, Uncharted Territories is quite pleased with the arrangement as well. Once we get those little beauties to our chop shop, er I mean, detail parlor, we can really make some profit.

Plus I can go really fast!!!!

Ah, the rush of adrenaline when you push the pedal to the metal, the reverberation of the engines, the surge of power, the knowledge that if you blow the thing up it isn't yours...

Now back to our thread allready in progress...


Need an escape craft? Are you just a little worried about boarding that humongous ship that the experts say will never go down? Perhaps you just need a backup pod, for when the enforcement agancies have you cornered. I know, it's all been a great intergalactic misunderstanding. Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the vehicle for you! Our recently acquired Kalesh Emergency Pod, the perfect small craft for those who need a rapid escape. Small, lightweight, fairly easy controls, and as always available in elegant black, one of these pods could very well save your life. Don't hesitate to call, quantities are limited to those craft we can steal, er I mean, acquire from the Kalesh.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-DEATH-TRAP

Warning there are rumors, vague inuendos, statistics, and flat out lies that state the Kalesh Emergency Pods may be difficult to control in a landing attempt. We, your friends at Uncharted Territories wish to squash these silly ideas right away. We have it on good faith that there have indeed been several safe landings accomplished with the escape pods, and that there have never been any actual crashes recorded by survivors.

Get your escape pod today, and never again worry about travelling in any frelled up freighters again.

Another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and may we say have fun on that exploration cruise, and as always have a nice day!

[Kerrigan]

Lost your ability to shut up opponents with snotty remarks? Want to feel that ol' flame o'wit burning your enemies away in verbal confrontations but you seem to have lost your mojo? You may well be experiencing cold! Yes, that is true! In the words of our beloved Dominar: "If I were warmer, I would have an appropriately venomous reply. Be warned, I owe you one". Stop being a plain boring cold bastard - everybody can be that - buy your UT Heating Pad today and start delivering malice with style!

UT Heating Pads also available in red and lower temperatures for your favorite frigid, flat-butted Peacekeeper skank.

[blueassbitch]

Hey females are you expecting? Do you have a man who says he wish he could do it for you, a man who wishes to have a huge family, or one that is just curious what it is like for us? Well he may never be able to do it for your, but now he can share all of your experiences thank to our friends at PK Innovations Inc. They are proud to introduce I-Yench You-Yench bracelets. Now your mate can truly experience the backache, nausea, and swollen feet of pregnancy and the contractions and ripping of labor and birth. Just ask him how many he wants after that. Our studies have shown the male response of projected numbers to drop from “probably 4 to 5” down to a nice “maybe one more”. Our studies have also show this to be effective on young adolescences that think they are ready for the responsibilities that come along with having sex. Just take your son or daughter down to the local hospital and find a willing young mother who would love to share her experience. Bracelets are available at most commerce planets or just visit our web site at pkinovations.com.(Not recommended for males with a heart condition. Power cells sold separately.)

[Frunium Slip]

Are you not as regular as you would like? Is the old plumbing backed up? Perhaps you're trapped on a small ship with no food, and need something to quell the hunger pains. Well your friends at Uncharted Territories have the dietary supplement for you! Thanks to our ever helpful old lady friend, we can now provide you with the ever popular Jilmak Restorative, known far and wide for its potency. Small, delicate, easily digested, and tastes like chicken, Jilmak is pre-chewed for increased potency and your convenience. Just one tiny portion a piece, will alleviate any hunger pains, or constipation that you may be enduring. So, if your just not quite feeling right, call now for the fastest acting dietary supplement ever invented!

Guaranteed not to turn anyone into a Newt.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-YOU-ATE-WHAT?

Warning never, ever exceed the recommended dosage of one portion of Jilamk Restorative no matter how many stomaches you may have. May act as a purgative for some species such as Nebari, Luxans, and a little known group of Sebacean-like beings calling themselves Erpmen. May cause Hynerians great digestive discomfort, and possibly a case of the giant schlocks.

So if you just have to drop some friends off at the pool, get your Jilmak Restorative now, and we promise near instaneous results.

Another fiendish, er I mean fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and please remember to strike a match when your done just as a common courtesy. As always, have a nice day!

[Bandana Girl]

:roll: :roll: :roll:

[davia]

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: My sister told me about that last post; she said it was hilarious. And she was actually right.:hugz:

[Frunium Slip]

Are you missing a loved one? Can't find that significant other anywhere, and he owes offspring support? Has that little tralk skipped off with everything including the family jewels? Or perhaps you're just looking for a little retribution for a past insult or injury. Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the service for you! Call our infamous hotline and order out your very own Peacekeeper Retrieval Squad, the very best in recovery services ever available throughout the known galaxies. Quiet, discrete, thorough, relentless, and dressed in the ever stylish black, these squads are the ultimate force to get that one being you want, right here, right now!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-GET-EM-NOW!

Warning, Peacekeeper Retrieval Squads can be quite enthusiastic when retrieving a being. Some minor damage may occur. Uncharted Territories not responsible for incidental damages, whether personnel or property, nor with filing the necessary Litagaran forms. Service may not be permitted in some localities, where surcharges will be applied.

Yet another fine service provied by your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, known far and wide as popular with transplanted Aussies and Canadians everywhere. Probably. Or not. And as always have a nice day!

[Frunium Slip]

Is your life going so smooth it has become mundane? Are you seeking to spice it up, just a little? Need a crewmate who won't snub you that much? Or do you just want a smart eema know it all, for entertainment purposes only? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the semi-perfect being for you! Just order one of our Enhanced Kalesh Personal Friends and never be truly alone ever again! Smart, intelligent, humorous, polite, and not snotty all the time, your new EKPF is the one being you can actually trust, to look after itself! Never be stuck on a difficult problem again, as your new EKPF will always endeavor to help you, especially if its own eema is on the line! But wait, there's more! Your new EKPF has the ability to re-attach its severed limbs, a great help if you happen to play a little rough! Plus language barriers are a thing of the past, with your new EKPF, as it can quickly learn a language from just a few words, some common expressions, and hearing the alphabet, in order.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-SPUTNIK

And as an additional bonus, your new Enhanced Kalesh Personal Friend can emote a radiation weapon that is deadly to those dreaded Scarrans. A great potential asset, if you can get the little frellnick to actually use it when you need it. Threats of bodily harm have been reported to work wonders in this department.

Warning your new EKPF will usually only look out after itself, and as such, never really trust it with matters that directly affect your own existence, unless it also effects the EKPF's. Motives, reasoning, experience, and personal tastes of your new EKPF should be carefully checked before allowing the EKPF into your personal affairs. And be extra careful if your new EKPF ever wears there hair in what we affectionately call the Sputnik Poof, as it usually means trouble of some sort.

Enhanced Kalesh Personal Friends have proven popular with deposed Scarran halfbreeds, Leviathan Nerds, Rogue Kalesh, and generally anyone else who could only make a puppy play with them if they hung a grolack steak around their neck.

Another fine service brought to you by your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories. Have fun with your new fairly domesticated new friend, and as always, have a nice day!

[Frunium Slip]

Are you tired of being the galaxy's whipping post? Have you been shoved around one too many times? Was that second boot to the head just too much to take? Have you ever wanted to just flex your own muscles, if you had any? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the product for you! Try our new Peacekeeper Adrenaline Rush now, and never be the whipping post again! A simple injection, with a semi-sterile needle, and you too can be the scourge of the universe! The injection will affect your eyesight, reflexes, speed, strength, and possibly judgement, with significant spikes of all attributes except the latter. While under the influence, patrons won't feel pain, will be significantly stronger, with enhanced perception, and as an added bonus, your eyes will turn to the ever stylish black! Now with one simple injection you too can be one of the elite!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-WHAT-A RUSH!

Warning adrenaline rush effects are only temporary, and may be addictive. If you do become a habitual user of the Rush, please contact your friends at Uncharted Territories for additional supply. Side effects may include irrational behavior, unusual grumpiness, headaches, nausea, loose bowels, and quite possibly bouts of homicidal madness.

May be illegal in some quadrants where surcharges will apply.

Another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always, have a nice day!

[Selena]

Originally posted by blueassbitch
... thanks to our friends at PK Innovations Inc. They are proud to introduce I-Yensch You-Yensch bracelets. Now your mate can truly experience the backache, nausea, and swollen feet of pregnancy and the contractions and ripping of labor and birth... Bracelets are available at most commerce planets or just visit our web site at pkinovations.com.(Not recommended for males with a heart condition. Power cells sold separately.)
:rollin: :roflmao: I think you have a winning product there PKinvovations.com :aok: however, if all males of the species are made to wear them you will have a disaster on your hands. You will have singlehandedly achieved what no war or other catastrophic event has ever succeeded in doing ... that is ZPG! Before we can say "Yensch me a bracelet" the universe's population will wink out of existence. :eek:

[Frunium Slip]

Is your secretarial staff having trouble keeping up with the workload? Phones ringing off the hook, visitors demanding appointments, not to mention typing up memos, reports and the like. Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the being for you! Just hire one of our Pilot Administrative Assistants, and never have to worry about the workload ever again! These beings are great at multi-tasking, and usually have to slow down their speech for you lesser races! With great vision, four arms, a complicated laguage where on sentence can have a hundred thoughts and meanings, and can be dressed in the ever stylish black, this Pilot specie can help out stupendously around your office. No task will ever be too complicated for your new assistant, and they'll be oh so helpful! Don't hesitate to call, your career may be at stake!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-ALIEN-TEMPS

Caution Pilot specie may need a few minor alterations to the office habitat. A large chair, a few complicated looking buttons on the desk, a large picture of space on the wall, and possibly even some sustenance feeding tubes hooked up to an independent life sustaining nourishment center, which we can graciously provide at substantial cost. You may also have to exchange the intercom system for a new Comms system which we can also provide almost cheaply! Our techs will also have to install some fake sensors, just to fool the Pilot, nothing for you to worry about. If the Pilot does start to mumble something about spaceflight, docking webs, nebulae, or some other nonsense just play along with them, it just helps them feel comfortable in their new position. If the Pilot specie becomes somewhat groggy during a particularily strenuous time, you can easily stimulate them with a little pressure on the Hydrox Gland which we will also provide at an almost insignificant cost.

Another fine service brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and have fun at your office, but you may have to start calling it command. And as always, have a nice day!

[Drone]

Bad TV shows got you down? Try the new Universal Wrist Remote from Tavlek Industries.

Disclaimer: Tavlek Industries is not responsible for destroyed tellies. Or collateral damage such as house pets, family members, etc.

Warning: Side effects include aggressive behavior, gingivitis, the psychopathic urge to kidnap royalty for ransom, rob Shadow Depositories, and avenge yourself on certain network executives who cancel fantastic shows. These effects may be alleviated by studying the Holy Writ of Taru (but don't count on it).

[Selena]

Can't find soldiers for your war or skirmish? Is your sweat sh ... er factory short staffed or are the jobs in your industry too unappealing for the locals leaving you short staffed and unable to meet your client's needs? Are your staff constantly bitchin about the tasks they have to do or taking unsceduled days off?

Then have we got a deal for you! Charrid Mercenaries Corp will fill those vacancies for you. No job is too meaningless or difficult for our CMC recruits. We can supply all kinds of highly skilled personnel ... from nurse-maids for your offspring to killers for your assassination projects. We are the best and the only company in the Uncharted Territories who will work with you to meet your unique needs. Our recruits may come at a premium price but you will never be left in the lurch again and we guarantee every member of our elite squad.

So call 1-8000-CHARRIDS ... and those annoying vacancies will be a thing of the past.

CMC will not be held liable for the consequences of any border or interplanetary skirmish that results from the actions of our recruits. The client accepts legal responsibilty for any repurcussions that may arise from the actions of our employees while carrying out your company's business.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you looking for that new ride? Can't quite afford all those luxurious but pricey models that the other dealers are selling, but don't want to look like a frellin' greebol in front of your friends? Well, just trust your friends at Uncharted Territories to make your choice ride affordable to you! Or, rather, make your affordable ride look choice! Do to an unexepected permanent death of the Prime Lukythian, we can bring to you a super deal on many like new Lukythian Chameleon Ships! Sure it's small, but that makes it extremely affordable, even for your meager, yet totally undeserved paycheck. Small, maneuverable, easy handling, great on metras, and available in the ever stylish black, your new Chameleon will make your neighbors jealous. Of course you'll have to project it as something a little more elegant, but that's easy with the state of the art Neural Interface! Just concentrate on that pricey ship you just couldn't quite manage to afford, and your new Chameleon does the rest! It's oh so easy!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-NEW-IMAGE

Warning Neural Interface may sting a little when first worn, but never fear, after a couple of hours your body will go numb, hopefuly. Hologram projection image dependent on user's imagination, skill, and mind capacity. Nerdish abilities helpful.

Neural Interface built directly into Control Orb which is sold separately. For a substantial fee. Ship can be flown manually, but with reduced performance and handling. Plus your neighbors will probably laugh at you, behind your back. We don't recommend it.

Yet another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always, have a nice day!

[Frunium Slip]

Looking for a little more excitement for your next party? Want some real entertainment? Maybe just that perfect item for the bachelor party you're throwing. Well, your friends at Uncharted territories may have the, er, thing for you! Just book our infamous Utu Noranti Pratalong and her highly unusual Dance of the One too Few Veils. An interesting number, sort of like a harem girl, kinda. Guaranteed to be not like anything you've seen before! A great addition to any party, just remember to inhale that fine powder she disburses, just to give the evening that needed little hazy mind feel, you'll thank us in the end. Bookings are limited, so order one for your party today, and save the last dance for granny.

Call our intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-WHAT-THE FRELL?

Warning make frellin' sure you inhale plenty of the old woman's magic dust, just to enhance the evening, remember we warned you, sniff the dust, or we'll not be responsible for your reactions, not that we've ever been responsible before...

Yet another fine service provided to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and may we say have fun at the party, just remember to inhale plenty of the dust, you've been warned.

[Selena]

:rollin: :lol :rollin:

[Frunium Slip]

Have you always wanted to stand out from the crowd? Have you always known you were a star, but needed the right promotional vehicle? Maybe just want to make a few extra credits while scaring the yotz out of some primitive beings? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have just the thing for you! Star in your very own Erp televid show, be famous, be a star, be too cool for your friends, be rich, er slightly better off, and you can even say 'hi mom' on camera, just like the thousands of grossly over paid stars that you may have seen ad nauseum. Join our elite staff, including the vivacious R. Wilson Monroe in our exclusive production of Erp's fastest rising televid phenomena Alien Visitation, where you'll be interviewed about space monsters, your dreams, your hopes, your fears, and quite possibly your demise! You'll be seated right next to your very own alien pal, some of which may even be harmless!

Call our intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-U-CAN-STAR!

Warning Alien Visitation may need some alien fodder just to spike the ratings every now and again, chances are it won't be you, but it could be... At any rate, this could actually be your fifteen microts of fame, your career may just skyrocket from here, if you happen to survive. Applicants will be subjected to a psycological exam, just to check that you are actually completely fahrbot.

Don't hesitate to call, opening are limited! You too can be a star, just like our other unfortunate, er I mean lucky guests!

Another fine oppertunity provided by your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and may we say break a leg, that's show biz talk, although it might actually be better if you didn't, it could hamper your escape from that carnivorous alien. And as always, have a nice day!

[Frunium Slip]

Are you looking for a new pet? Want something a little more exotic than a dog or a cat? Maybe even extra-terrestrial? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories may have the fun pet for you! Just order one of our new Wolaxian Spider Pets, great for companionship, and they have the ability to alter their shapes, a truly must see to believe item! Gentle, caring, loving, and oh so easy going, these pets are essentially carefree, no more pets whining to get out the door, no more early morning surprises in the kitchen, yotz, you won't even have to buy any pet food, ever again! And we have plenty in stock, frell one's too many...

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-BIG-MISTAKE

Warning Wolaxian Spider Pets, although completely housebroken, and almost perfectly harmless, should not be left alone with small children, or large children, or really anyone for that matter. If you hear a loud scream, oh, uh, forget about it.

And just like the Budongs, we have never had a complaint about one of our exotic pets, well if you forget about the Vorcs, but we didn't actually sell them as pets.

If you ever get tired of your spider pet, we do have a great recipe for roasted spider soup, if you'd really like to try it. Thought by many to be the best roasted spider soup they've ever ate!

Another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always, have a nice day!

[Selena]

Dear Friends at Uncharted Territories,

Our solar system is in deep dren. It seems that there's a giant, cosmic dust-storm headed our way. Our scientists are totally baffled as to how to avert this gallactic disaster and the prophets of doom are already on their soap boxes preaching damnation. Panic, chaos, and wide spread mayhem seems imminent.

Please, help us deal with this emergency. Surely there's something in your arsenal of wonderful gadgets that can help us out!
As usual if you pull our irons out of this fire we'll be eternally in your debt!

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
Our solar system is in deep dren.

For your friends at Uncharted Territories, same dren different planet.

It seems that there's a giant, cosmic dust-storm headed our way.

Oh, I thought it might be serious...
Some quack scientist must be in need of a new grant...

Of course if you have allergies, you might want to stay inside, for at least a few cycles. Exactly how long does your specie live, it should all be over before you know it, say 100 to 120 cycles. If you do have to go outside, try not to take to many unsuited EVA's, and it might possibly help to take massive amounts of Drenadyl, the perfect pharmaceutical drug for those allergic to cosmic dust. Available through our toll free intergalactic pharmaceutical hotline by calling 1-800-CRONE'S-CURES. Just a few secret ingredients, an excess body fluid, not to mention the ever popular warm spit, and your medication will be sent to you faster than you can say color me Kalesh!

Our scientists are totally baffled as to how to avert this gallactic disaster and the prophets of doom are already on their soap boxes preaching damnation. Panic, chaos, and wide spread mayhem seems imminent.

Primitive backward planet, barely able to escape their own gravity, with little understanding of the universe, no intergalactic experience to speak of, and not very knowledgable of our business practices, looks like a serious credit maker!

Please, help us deal with this emergency. Surely there's something in your arsenal of wonderful gadgets that can help us out!

Of course we can dream up something that will cure your dilema, if you've got the credits...

As usual if you pull our irons out of this fire we'll be eternally in your debt! [/B]

So you don't have the credits...

But we could extend our easy payment plan, you purchase something from us, you pay us, see, easy.

After doing a little, er I mean, painstaking research, at significant costs, we have actually checked on your dust problem. Apparently, your star has inverted its magnectic stabilizer, and has a slight hiccup in its phase inverter, what? Oh, that's the line I use in the vehicle repair section, sorry...

Oh, yeah, here we go...

So your quacks, er I mean, scientists are predicting a decade- long storm of galactic dust grains somewhat towards your home planet. Hey the magnetic stabilizer did invert! And you're not sure if this event has happened before or not. Three times more dust entering your system now than ten years ago, and your state of the art probe can actually pick up two particles a week. Impressive, I'm in awe. Two a week, yep your species is headed for extinction...

Hmmm... The leading scientist wants to keep his job until 2006, er I mean, keep studying the phenomena, and extend his lucrative, er I mean, fascinating studies to your planet's artic regions, just to play in the snow, uh, dig for clues.

At present, the Ulysses mission is only funded until September 2004. However, an extended mission is currently being considered.

Yep, I was right, the quack, er I mean, scientist does need a new grant.

[Frunium Slip]

Is your ship, or abode (thanks Midnight) being over run by pests, insects, unwanted visitors, or those oh so pesky in-laws? Want a quick, easy fix, that won't actually cost you that proverbial small appendage? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories may have the answer for you! Our infamous AMTs have been at it again, and this time we've acquired an allotment of Grudek Gas Grenades, perfect for fumigating your environment. Effective, easy to use, simple instructions, almost perfectly safe, and available in the ever stylish black, these grenades are guaranteed to rid your environment of any unwanted pests, or guests, or any other living thing for that matter. Never have to put up with uninvited guests ever again!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-GAS-THEM

Warning beings you don't actually want fumigated should make themselves scarce during the fumigating process. If you cannot evacuated your environment completely, it would be better to encapsulate yourself in an air-sealed compartment during the process, for at least a couple of arns, not more than five or six, maybe that's a few arns, maybe you better read the warning label on the grenade.

Field tested by our own Aggressive Merchant Tradesmen, meaning we were not about to set that frellin' thing off at our own facility, successfully, at least some of the time.

Yet another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always, have a nice day!

Edited to add:

Guaranteed to drive unwanted guests out of your environment faster than a venting Hynerian!

[Selena]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
... Hmmm... The leading scientist wants to keep his job until 2006, er I mean, keep studying the phenomena, and extend his lucrative, er I mean, fascinating studies to your planet's artic regions, just to play in the snow, uh, dig for clues.

Yep, I was right, the quack, er I mean, scientist does need a new grant.

Dear Friends at Uncharted Territories ... hmmm, by the way those scientists were talking we were beginning to think that they had been coached by off-worlders ... you didn't have anything to do with this phenomenon did you?:eh:
I mean up till now we'd never even heard of cosmic dust and now it seems we're all doomed!:scare:

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by Selena
Dear Friends at Uncharted Territories ... hmmm, by the way those scientists were talking we were beginning to think that they had been coached by off-worlders ... you didn't have anything to do with this phenomenon did you?:eh:
I mean up till now we'd never even heard of cosmic dust and now it seems we're all doomed!:scare:

Hey, I never coached anyone in my life, well, except for a couple of key eye-witnesses that had to be told what occurred on a certain night at a certain place, at a certain time, but other than that, and it was no more than a couple, or so, well maybe a few times...

But you know, I bet we could get one of those vac-u-suc things to snurch that crap up, and with the right packaging, a little salesmanship, and maybe a couple of other ingredients, we could have another of granny's magic dust potions. We'd make gazillions... of course we'd actually need a little more than three random particles a week...

Vacuum, reminds me of this girl I knew once... But much like you I digress...

Anywho, back to the subject of magic dust, er, Cosmic Dust bunnies, whatever. Well, I for one won't worry too much about it, just get off the planet for a while, I mean why take the chance... Unless you do actually have a few credits, then maybe we could work something out...

I think I remember selling something like a Singular Quantum Anomaly a while back, we could just procure said object for a little while, I'm sure the current owner won't put up to much of a protest, especially after we orbitally bombard his planet for a couple of arns. It shoud pick up most of the dust bunnies, and then we'll use it for magic dust, or sweep it up behind one of your neighboring star systems, kinda like a rug, I'm sure no one would notice much...

And remember to order vast quatities of the expensive, er I mean, potent anti-allergeric crap we came up with, Drenadryl, known throughout a couple of places as the pharmaceutical drug to take when confronted with the ever dangerous dust bunnies, er, Cosmic Dust.

And once again thank you for your continued patronage from your ever trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, if you didn't get it here, you didn't buy it from us.

[Frunium Slip]

Are your court systems backed up beyond the blue fires of Hezmana? Need to clear out some of those pesky cases? Are you personally scheduled for a court date sometime during the next millenia? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the service for you! Call now and schedule your next case at the all new Peace Keepers Court, where all cases are guaranteed to be over in a matter of microts! Your case will be tried before an esteemed Peace Keeper Tribuneral, where facts matter, intent matters, conviction rates matter, and integrety is just another pretty word! Don't let your overburdened court system get you down, we guarantee fast results, and quicker sentences, don't ever be left hanging again! And as an added bonus, all court appearances will be video-comm monitored, for your convenience, to ensure fairness, and to help spike the ratings of our new video-comm network! Join the fun! Be a star! But remember, it may all be over in a matter of microts!

Call our intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-CONVICTION

All participants waive the right to an actual fair hearing. Perps, er I mean, defendents, must defend themselves as best they can, in the tribuneral room, and later in the state of the art Action Combat Arena, where all convicted criminals must go for their final appeals, before large, carnivorous animals, species to be named later. There will be no further appeals process, all tribuneral results are final, unless by some miracle one of the frellnicks gets by the carnivorous animals, the energized fence, over the fifty foot wall, through the infested moat, and by the well armed guards. In which case we'll make them an instant star, and set 'em up to do it all again the following week.

So join in the fun! Another fine service provided by your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, where if hangin's too good for 'em we can handle it. And as always, have a nice day!

Edited for yet another of those pesky frellin' typos...

[cullyn80]

New From Worm Hole Enterprises

Tired of inferior lifeforms on inferior planets? Want to just get rid of them? Well, I have a deal for you.

My drunken swabs er ... I mean ... my honorable crew has procured the Darnask Probes from Arnessk. These babies can turn a paradise planet into an unlivable hell hole in microts.

All I am asking for is 1,000,000 credits and a Leviathan gunship.

And remember, my prime litigator is named Winona.

[Frunium Slip]

Have you always envied all those heroic types that always deftly maneuvered from one precipe to another using nought but a vine, a rope, or the ever stylish black cable? Don't you wish you could be just like that 'Skyjacker' fellow from the movie vids? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the device just for you! Thanks to our ever industrious AMTs, we have procured an allotment of the popular Peace Keeper TAK 5 Torpedoes. Small, lightweight, easy instructions, simple to use, and as always, available in the ever stylish black, these babies come packaged in sets of three, with a launcher, programmable warheads, and a very attractive case! The fusion bonded Rhenium claws provide the needed penetrating hook, and when packaged with the Iridium alloy cables, make that to die for action/adventure accessory! Great for mountain climbing, throwing out an anchor when swallowed by the ever dangerous Budong, or just trying to attract that certain someone by showing off while performing a semi-dangerous and idiotic stunt!

Just call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-ME-TARZAN!

Warning remember to check warheads for deactivation before trying to use cable as a swing, in the event of actually discharging a live warhead, please remember to duck! Uncharted Territories not responsible for any misuse of this weapon, er I mean, stunt prop. In the event that you do need to fire a live warhead, please feel free to activate the device, following the written instructions. If you do encounter any difficulties with the product please contact our user sight at iww.dontyouwishyouwereassmartasus.com, where we'll happily answer any questions you may have at 10 krendars a microt.

Yet another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always, have a nice day!

[cullyn80]

New From Worm Hole Enterprises

Tired of losing things in lava? Well I have a proposition for you.

After a fire fight ... er ... I mean putting out a fire at a Tarkan base the neanderthals... I mean my crew found a few Tarkan shield belts. They are activated by firing a pulse weapon at them. They do not block kinetic energy weapons though. So watch out for that crazed lunatic throwing stones.

All I am asking for is 1000 credits for the belt and 2000 credits for the power source.

Thanks and remember, my prime litigator is named Winona.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you really committed to saving the intergalactic environment? Are you the next best thing to an enviromental space terrorist? Are you looking for the perfect substance to finally stop all that space craft congestion that is frellin' up your galaxy? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the right organism for you! Call our hotline and order your space craft eating plant substance now, and really clean up that star system! Our ingenious plant specie looks amazingly like harmless space debris, just floating in space, waiting for just the right moment to pounce on those capitalistic, money grubbing, environment smashing, worthless, space vessels. Perfectly harmless to actual living organisms, if you discount the irritating naseous fumes, the damage to life support systems, and being spaced when the hull breeches. So your conscious will be clean! Plant eats any and all metal forms, so it is transported in our state of the art plastic baggies!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-KILLER-PLANT

No special instructions needed to release the vessel killing plant, just take your precious vehicle into space near a desirable spot, open your access hatch, place the state of the art baggy in the vacuum of space, and release the patended double sealing plastic baggy liner. Your new plant will do what it does best, with no help needed from you, ever again. No real precautions needed, as the plant does not attack non-metallic life forms.

Yet another fine product brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, have fun saving the universe, and as always have a nice day!

That should take care of those frellin' enviromentalists that have been on my back, I'll never hear from them again, what? What do you mean that we're still broadcasting? Cut! Cut the vid! Frellin' imbeciles, you'll blow the whole schtick!

[cullyn80]

Welcome to the Flea Market of the Universe ... er I mean the 'Mall of America of the Universe, Wormhole Enterprises.

We have a great offer for you today. My crew has managed to find a group of PK Techs that were willing to modify any vehicle with a neural under penalty of death ... er I mean promise of great riches.

We do not warranty you or your vehicle under any circumstances.

Just to let you know. We are investigating possibilities of starting the largest salad bar in the galaxy. There is rumored to be a giant space plant ( hmmm sounds tasty with a little ranch dressing). Also we have heard of an asteroid somewhere with no herbivores to damage any of the plants. If anyone has any information in regard to these two reports, we may be willing to barter/steal for them.

And remember our prime littigator is named Winona.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you still looking for that great tracker? Want someone hunted down, but without the gratuitious violence of a PK Retrieval Squad? But with the dedication and resourcefulness to get the job done. Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories just might have the species for you! Just call our infamous hotline and order out you very own Colarta Trackers, mercernaries for hire, great at tracking, fighting, and sticking through the mission until the very end. And are they tough? They have two of most of the important organs, including hearts, infrared vision, a great sense of smell, and a cute earing, er I mean, acute hearing. Truly dedicated about their ten missions, these trackers epitomize the aspects of loyalty, and respect to the almighty Krendar! Of course after ten missions they actually get to go home and enjoy their all too pitiful lives, probably longing for the excitement of the chase, that you're possibly going to provide.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now. operators are standing by! 1-800-LIZARD-BREATH

Warning heavy gravity may have a detrimental effect on the Colarta Trackers, causing acute stress on their bodies, and quite possibly rupturing their hearts. The trackers may experience problems if their sense of smell is circumvented.

Another fine service provided by your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, have fun with your new Pina Coladas, and as always, have a nice day.

[Selena]

:applaud: :rollin: :lol

[Frunium Slip]

Thanks in no large part to those wonderful beings in law enforcement, a very inconsiderate judicial representative, not to mention my friends at G.R.E.E.D., I am compelled to offer you a chance to contribute to a chari... er a charit... er a charit... an organization that makes you work for free, or basically steals your hard earned credits with just a thank you and a small tax write off. So if you are a bleeding heart, er a kind soul, a sucker for any little helpful organization, someone with way too much time on their hands, or you are in need of a sizable tax deduction, we, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the outlet for you! Just donate your time, your credits, or some of your precious belongings to the most chari... er charit... er charit... to the bleedin heart Tarkan Freedom Fighters, the one group of beings we know who actually just might look out for others before themselves, as sickening as that makes me feel. A true friend of the opressed, the diseased, or the needy, Tarkan Freedom Fighters are known throughout the galaxies by all knowledgeable sentient beings for their acts of kindness, including feeding the hungry, freeing the opressed, and generally being pain in the neck doo-gooders to the rest of us.

Call our toll free intergalactic chari... er charit... er charit... tax deduction number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-MONEY-FOR-NOTHING

We have it on good faith, much hearsay, and some subtle innuendo, that Tarkan Freedom Fighters are good people, do good works, and generally just make me sick to my stomache. Although, you might just have to mind the traps, as they do collect a lot of precious valuables, but alas, only to contribute to what they deem worthy causes.

Finally, this intergalactic community service yotz give me the heebie geebies.

Our first organized, or unorganized for that matter, chari... er charit... er charit... fund raiser for a scheming bleeding heart organization, and hopefully the last too, brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, have a nice day, and remember the tax deduction, hezmana, you should get something in return, the sheer thought of it makes me a little woozy... I need to go lie down.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you a relic hunter, archeologist, or just some greebol with way too much time on their hands to have a real hobby? Tired of carrying around those cumbersome entrenching tools, whisk brooms, and sorting pans? Wish you could get all this in one multi-purpose, versatile tool? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the tool for you! That's right, just delivered from Interion Space, the fine Interion Carvers, great for excavating all those artifacts! Never have to physically dig, ever a again! No more destroying those precious artifacts! Light weight, easy to carry, with simple instructions, and available in the ever stylish black, your new Carver will greatly enhance your relic hunting, and it's oh so simple to use! Just point and click, it's so easy! Excavate like a pro! These babies strip rock, soil, and just plain old dirt away from your artifact in a matter of microts, so fast you'll just not believe it's not butter, er magic.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-HEY-DON'T-POINT-THAT-BLOODY-THING-AT-ME!

Warning Carvers may be ever so slightly dangerous in inexperienced hands. Heed all warnings, and labels. NEVER ,EVER, point, aim or use the Carver in the direction of any living organism, unless you really need another lawn ornament.

Results may vary. Batteries not included. Every Carver comes complete with tool, straps, instructions, and carrying case.

Another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, and as always, have a nice day!

[Frunium Slip]

Ah, my 1200th post, another milestone for me, a minor speed bump for grinner, and like always, posted to my alltime favorite thread...

Now for something I've been holding back on, just for a special occasion, such as now, break out the bubbly...

Ladies, females, and those ever popular tralks, have you been having trouble keeping your significant other occupied? Has some of the romance, not to mention steam, been missing from your relationship? Mayhaps, you've been having trouble climbing that corporate ladder in this male dominated universe, and you don't know what to do next? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the product for you! Just visit our infamous Ice Planet Medical Facility, and have our esteemed diagnosians install the widely reknowned Heppel Oil Glands into your chest. Lauded by Delos Concubines as the perfect weapon in that war of the hearts! So if you can't seem to do it the old-fashioned way, and you're needing to put some junk on the ball, just have us implant the glands, and your worries will soon be over!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-LOOMAS-JOB

Just a quick smear to the face with the oil, and that greebol won't know what's hit him. Read all instructions and warnings carefully before using the glands, results may vary, but we're sure you'll have very successful results.

Warning none of our medical procedures are guaranteed as we're still practicing medicine until we get it right. There are also a few vague reports, subtle innuendos, statistics, and downright lies, that state that implanting Heppel Oil Glands may lead to a lower life expectancy. These reports have been ignored, er deemed not worth investigating by our industrious staff. All implants are irreversible, and therefore all sales are final.

Yet another fine product brought to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, have fun with the glands, they work just great.

PS if you are indeed a hot looking babe, and want a consultation, just let me check you out, er I mean, check if the glands are right for you, as always I'll maintain my usual professional demeaner, hey look at that hot babe over there, er, uh, have a nice day!

[mycattoldme]

Hope my friends at the uncharted territories don't mind but I made some bookmarks for their products! :D

http://www.watchfarscape.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=14025

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by mycattoldme
Hope my friends at the uncharted territories don't mind but I made some bookmarks for their products! :D

Hey, with the free publicity you and Akimbo give me, how could I possibly refuse... OK, I could just say no, but I won't...

Just glad you like 'em, makes me want to do more, and to that matter, let's return to our thread, already in progress...

Has life's little problems gotten you down? Is your occupation becoming more of a job all the time? Are you being stressed at work, at home, and even on this forum? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the product for you! Call our infamous pharmaceutical hotline and order your Vacuum Coma Elixir, the perfect little drug for when your on your very last nerve! Small, easily digested, simple to use, and tastes just like chicken, your elixir will put you into a relaxing coma, able to go EVA without a suit, where you can sleep a restful sleep, and no worldy cares will bother you!

Call our toll free intergalactic pharmaceutical number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-GRANNIES-PILLS

Caution you will need someone to pick up your lifeless body from the vacuum of space, you should pick someone you trust, I would definitely pick someone I trusted. They will have to administer the recuperative pill, no real instructions needed, just make sure they frelling do pick you back up. Your body will be okay for, I should think, three ahns, yeah, three ahns sounds about right, maybe a little less, no, three ahns.

So just take your Vacuum Coma Elixir and don't worry, be happy, just make sure that the greebol does pick you back up, I once had a body crash through my transport engine once, frell, I was stranded for over an ahn, the little frellnick, did a number on my pod, cost a couple of hundred Krendars to fix, what a shame, I really liked that pod.

Yet another fine product from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, have fun in your coma, and remember, you should try it, it's very relaxing, and you'll have no real worries, as long as you do get picked up. And as always, have a nice day.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you looking for just a little more control of the beings around you? Do you just want them to do your bidding without the usual arguments and hesitation? Hey, why give them a free mind of their own at all? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the perfect product for you! Just call now to schedule your surgery and have a nest of Sgabba Flies infested in your head! What the frell you might ask, well the flies implant subtle subliminal signals on any being they bite, and together with your mutant power of psychic and mental abilities, controlling some unweary greebol should be easy! How does it work? Well, the bugs' bite intensifies thought suggestions, so when your using them please refrain from your usual sick sex fantasies, please, it is just oh so pathetic. Just try this once to be a little more creative.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by! 1-800-BUG-UP-YER-I-MEAN-IN-YER-HEAD

Warning, Sgabba Fly Hive must be surgically implanted in your cranial cavity, requiring a medical procedure, thus requiring our signed 546 page consent from. As usual the signature page is located on the first page for your convenience. As always, none of our medical procedures are guaranteed, as we're still practicing medicine until we get it right.

Yet another fine service provided to you from your trusted friends at Uncharted Territories, have fun with the bugs, and don't worry about any neural loss, I didn't feel a thing. And as always, have a nice day!

[Selena]

:rollin: I can think of a few people that could use the flies biting them as they just do not get hints subtle or otherwise ... my neighbor with the barking dogs for one!

[Frunium Slip]

Are you in a rush? Hav