Farscape Technology Everyday Uses

[FireDancer]

DRD's-Tired of house-cleaning? By a four pack of these little buggers and keep your floors squeaky clean for when company comes over. 1812 version for those who love vintage.

Tannet Root-Hippies and gun-lovers alike can get into this. Either surrendor to the joy of work, or blow things up. Whatever flaots your boat.

Princess Moya Cruise Lines-View the universe from the confines of the universe's favorite interstellar species.

F-145 Tayln-Ensuring global dominance for the next millenium.

Dentics-In sparkle, mint, and extra whitening.

Make Your Own Mental Clone-So you always have someone to talk to.

[elfinity]

...Aurora Chair - no more forgotten song lyrics or jokes you just can't seem to remember the punchline to! Spouse hiding where he was last night? Aurora chair may be a perfect solution for you!

ugh, too sleepy, can't think of anything else right now.

[VBKatLou]

Don't quite trust those "late night at the office" stories your spouse has been handing you lately? Slip an I-YENSCH BRACELET (http://www.scifi.com/farscape/notes/iYensch.html) on both your wrists and you'll always know what they're up to.

[farscape1211]

OOOHHHHH!!!

I want a set of those.

When he gets to feeling a little to "happy" kick the wall or bite your lip. :)

[Mirth]

Displacement Drives - Automobiles can now be outfitted with CompanyX's secret engine mod! - Miss an appointment? Late for work? No problem, heck, you can even hop on over to an 'Unrealized Reality' where you're already filthy rich!! Enjoy the fruits of your (alternate) labors, kick back and rock the good life!

Twin-ing Services - Why do all the work when you can get your 'better-half' to do it for you! Simply Twin yourself, and set 'em to work! (caution: (repeated) Twining can and/or will cause brain damage, cognitive dissonance, loss of communication skills, anti-social behavior, flatulence, cavities, depression, arguments over clothing and ownership, confusion, death, cannibalism, acts of depravity, crimes against nature, crimes against society. Customer must sign waiver and non-disclosure agreement. CompanyX takes no responsibility for repercussions resulting from the "Twin-ing" Service (TM).

Neighbors continuously play loud music late at night? Are their pet's waking you up early in the morning? That darn VP keeps taking your parking spot at work? No Problem! Rent one of CompanyX's galaxy-famous "Mobile FRAG Cannon's" today! Originally developed for defense of PK Command Carriers, we've had our brilliant scientists cram all the power of these magnificent devices into a 'portable' device (note, the Mobile Frag Cannon requires a 1.5 ton truck to move and 6 - 4 foot steel rods to provide stability when firing)

[VBKatLou]

Want to know what they're really thinking? Try a NEUROCHIP (http://scifi.com/farscape/notes/neurochip.html)

Just $999.99 (installation/labor not included)

[VBKatLou]

Flunking French? TRANSLATOR MICROBES (http://scifi.com/farscape/notes/translator.html) are guaranteed to get you through any foreign language class. Even Swahilii.

[Frunium Slip]

Tired of drinking the same old drinks when out with friends? Try our new Aviation Fuel Shooters, guaranteed to jump start your social life. They may taste terrible, but once you get past the blue slime, it's pure petrol! Warning, please do not consume near rooms with detonating crockery.

Borlik: "... guy is a devron, raped and pillaged, popped eyeballs..."
Crichton: "Whoa, Whoa. Where do they get these stories? Let's get the facts straight. There was no raping, very little pillaging, and Frau Blucher popped all the eyeballs."

Crichton: "No, my grunt does all my killing, I'm strictly R & R."

[Frunium Slip]

Headaches? Family problems? Life just got you down? Bounce back, take our new pharmaceutical product 'Extract of Lakka' and forget all your problems. Does it work? Hey, if it doesn't take the edge off just double the dose!

Warning: Do not exceed recommended dosage, refrain from wormhole travel, side effects may include headaches, nausea, drowsiness, indigestion, paranoi, homocidal tendencies, and deep emotional problems.

"There's the way you want it to be, and then there's the way it is."

[Frunium Slip]

Get your 'Merry Frellin' Christmas' exploding Christmas tree. It's guaranteed to light up your holidays. Comes complete with decorations, lights, explosives devices, everything the holiday reveller might want. Also has a complete instruction manual. Batteries not included.

Caution: Do not use this product while intoxicated, frell, don't use when sober. Some property damage may occur, our company is not reponsible for any misuse or use for that matter of this product. As a matter of fact all entities associated with this project will be changing their names and addresses to protect the guilty.

Have a fabulous holiday. and might I say, from the very bottom of my heart, You look mahvelous.

"Well today's your lucky day, D'Argo, Aeryn. Just don't make any sudden moves." -JC

[Frunium Slip]

Just been to a particular thread in this forum, and it gave me another wonderful idea.

Peace Keeper pulse pistols, for those troublesome trolls. Great for taking out the trash and interior decorating. Can be purchased with the deluxe side holster hip mount, just like seen on TV!

Warning: Use of this device may violate several federal and local laws, company is not responsible for indescrimenate use. Heed all attached warnings as violations will void waranty.

Chakan oil not included.

"All right you two, out! I said out! And do not come back into this chamber!" -D'Argo from 'Season fo Death'

[Frunium Slip]

Need a place to stash those ill gotten gains, hide money from others, stash the company profits? Welcome to our new Shadow Depository, recently refurbished, due to unforseen circumstances. We can guarantee your deposits from anything but rogue leviathan gunships.

And don't forget to check out our pawn and gun facilities on the first floor.

Ew! Is that an eyeball?

Cut! Cut to commercial!

What do you mean this is the commercial?

[Frunium Slip]

*****Just Reduced******

Perfectly good former Scarran base, lots of rooms, new windows. A Fixer Upper! With it's own underground garden facility, which can be useful, in say, oh, 20 or 30 years. Free geiger counter with purchase. Some financing provided. 10% down finance the rest. Owners willing to move fast on this one!


"If you're thinking of staying, I've got a splendid room, all the comforts, very private." -Grunchlk from 'Season of Death'

[Frunium Slip]

This just in, due to fortuitous circumstances we have just received a slightly used Command Carrier. Owner had to sacrifice to save her own eema. If you're tired of puttering around the galaxy in that old family sedan try this baby out. No more being passed on the right side, no more tail gaiters, late for work just throw this puppy in over drive. Stuck in traffic, hey crank up those frag cannons. Everything included, plus as an extra bonus, we'll throw in a boot licking yes man just for you.

Don't hesitate this beauty won't be on our lot for very long!

See as at Uncharted Wrecks located at galaxy post 151 Frunium way

And check out our website at wgw.unchartedwrecks

Hey, do not kick the tires fella!

Edited to take out the link, correct a few errors, that kind of dren

[Grey Knight]

try the Peacekeeper heavy-duty Pulse Weaponry, blow your way through almost anything.Includs Pulse pistol,Pulse rifle and free high explosives!!!! apply now and get your own Prowler compltely Free!!!!!!

Prowler does not come with fuel


''Stay still or i'll fill you with little yellow bolts of light!!!'' Crichton

[Frunium Slip]

Pest problems at home? Not any more, buy your very own Vork guaranteed to drive you and any pests completely out of your home. Combination tracker, exterminator, excrement maker, leg freller, and overall pain in the neck. Well suited for getting rid of inlaws and other unwanted guests. Caution may bite, keep away from small, large and for that matter any kids. Possibly all adults too.

Fine Print:

All units sold as is, there will be absolutely no exchanges or refunds if you are foolish enough to take one of these little drannits off our hands.

[Frunium Slip]

Tired of little fluffy getting his eema kicked by your neighbors Doberman? Have we got the solution for you! Purchase your very own Budong, the single biggest, meanest carnivore in the entire territories! These things are real beauts, and can take on any of your neighbors viscious pets all at once. Sure they're easily domesticated, we have reports that one was kept at bay for over 20 microts.

Warning: Ownership may violate galaxy statutes, not responsible for any violations of universe or local laws. Keep away from anything you don't want devoured. Never forget to feed the Budong. Always take great care when feeding your Budong, we recommend using not to close friends. Local leash laws may apply.

Leashes may be purchased at additional substantial cost. We will not place leash on Budong, as insurance rates are high enough as it is.

Coming here?!!!! What do you mean it's heading in this direction?!! You forgot to what?!! Uh... we may be relocating our site do to unforseen circumstances, but don't forget our toll free intergalactic number 1-800-IT EATS U.

Remember we have never had a complaint from any Budong purchaser, come to think of it we haven't received any communication at all. Must mean everything is wonderful, we're sure you'll enjoy your Budong for as long as you live.


Edited to add the following:

And special thanks to Trubador for reminding us that the Electro-Magnetic Candy is sold seperately.

Hope he enjoys the Budong pet, hope to here from him soon!

[Frunium Slip]

Get your very own Farscape Module. This baby is cutting edge Erp technology. Be the very first one on your block to have one. Envious of your neighbor's sporty Prowler? Don't be, you can take this cupcake straight into a wormhole, where we guaratee she will rock. She may look like the UT's version of a Hundai but just think, you can be dashing off into your own Unrealized Reality, while your neighbor turns to goo. Great on metras, easy on the handling, these thing rock!

Warning: Slight instabilities may occur during wormhole travel. While we have no reports of any UT personnel actually travelling through a wormhole we have very concrete rumours and much speculation that it is indeed possible. Additional stabilizer technology available at additional cost.

[Frunium Slip]

I know your out there I can here you breathing.

[Frunium Slip]

Lost pet, significant other, car keys, wallet, hire our Vorcarian Blood Tracker to find whatever you're missing. These mercs are usually used to track felons and bond jumpers, but we've just secured the use of a female that we ...er found trying to raise a pup alone. Do to just a little urging from our Aurora chair, she has graciously decided to cooperate in our endeavor. Don't worry about her loyalty, we'll babysit her lil' whelp while she's away.

No money back guarantee with every rental. That's right in the event that your lost item cannot be found you'll get no money back. As a consolation we'll give you a free set of steak knives that we guarantee will slice through anything. Just watch this beauty cut through this Prowler armor plate, and still dices these Qatal Mollusks.

Edited to fix spelling of Vorcarian- looked at companion guide, probally should have done that first- but what the frell.

[Frunium Slip]

Have we got a set of lawn ornaments for you! While bickering with a couple of unsavory characters over some weapon systems, we spotted a pair of great looking statues in their cargo bay. After some initial reluctance, the space pirates handed them over to us gratefully at gunpoint. And boy these really do look good. The resemblance to actual Sebacean physiology is just amazing, you can almost see them come to life. We have assurances that the figures were produced on a wealthy royal planet somewhere in these very Uncharted Territories. Think of the history they represent. Imagine them in your front yard. Very asthetic with any landscape.

Sorry, these will not be sold seperately, unless we think we can get a substantially better price.

[Frunium Slip]

Need some cosmetic surgery, organ transplant, or brain surgery? I have just the place for you, the Ice Planet Lab, where our esteemed Diagnosan, Tocot can perform almost any medical surgeries you may require. From nose jobs to heart transplants this facility does it all.

Easily negotiated terms, special financing and monthly specials. Just contact Grunchlk, care of the Ice Planet Lab, and we'll schedule immediately, privacy guaranteed.

All participants must sign waiver allowing facility to use patient as a future donor in the highly unlikely event of a mishap. Very rarely due these occur, but if they do, the remains can be kept indefinitely for donor use, just like the thousands of other donors we currently have available. And don't worry about compatibility, we add to the donor list all the time.

There are no guarantees with any of the procedures, as we are just 'practicing medicine' until we get it right.

Edited for another of those frellin' typos

[VBKatLou]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
Have we got a set of lawn ornaments for you! While bickering with a couple of unsavory characters over some weapon systems, we spotted a pair of great looking statues in their cargo bay. After some initial reluctance, the space pirates handed them over to us gratefully at gunpoint. And boy these really do look good. The resemblance to actual Sebacean physiology is just amazing, you can almost see them come to life. We have assurances that the figures were produced on a wealthy royal planet somewhere in these very Uncharted Territories. Think of the history they represent. Imagine them in your front yard. Very asthetic with any landscape.

Sorry, these will not be sold seperately, unless we think we can get a substantially better price.


Well I was considering it , but one of them appears to be missing a head. Could I get at discount?

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by VBKatLou
Well I was considering it , but one of them appears to be missing a head. Could I get at discount?

Sorry, all products sold as is, no discounts. But, just for you, we have a supply of our popular Qatal Mollusks. Buy a dozen of these for only two credits. What a deal. Very popular among the suicidal sects. Just divide these up between you an your significant other, and they'll be dying to be with you.

And just listen to this endorsement, John, come over here:
what do you think?
'Boy, this takes like crap.'
Wow, what a ringing responce, just don't get that kind of reaction any where.

Just dial our toll free intergalactic number 1-800- eat-death

Warning: May cause headaches, nausea, indigestion, diahrea, stomache cramps, fever and, very possibly, an agonizing death.

If you happen to be suffering from these symptoms, just listen to this deal; for the same two credits, we'll supply you with one Qatal mullosk. Then, with our special recipe, available for a mere 250,000 credits, you can make an antidote. Just mix the ingredients as listed, include a little excess body fluid, press flesh for a mere four ahns, and presto, you're good as new.

And just like our Budong pet, we have never received a complaint for the Qatal mollusk remedy.

And listen to these endorsements;
'It was over in a mere moment, four ahns.'
'It frellin' took forever, four ahns.'

Not responsible for loss of vision, or for those who take the remedy that are just suffering from the Scaran flu.

[Frunium Slip]

If you have ever wanted to enhance yourself, cosmetically, intellectually or just racially, we've got a new service for you. Thanks to our industrious scavengers, we have recently obtained the services of a genetics lab. Documentation and interviews of the prisoners, er previous owners, has led to the outstanding discovery of genetic enhancements. With just a simple almost painless procedure, you can be whatever you always wanted to be. One little prick in the eye and your new future awaits. Why just look at this documentary of one of our former patients. See how happy he is swinging his prodigeny from that balcony. You to can have this wonderous feeling of contentment. Never be looked down on, or criticised again.

So call now and be more than you could ever be.

And all our procedures are guaranteed, to make us a lot of money.

Edited for another one of those frellin' typos!

[Frunium Slip]

This just in, a supply of Tavloid guantlets. 'Tavlek.' Whatever.

Afraid of walking the streets at night, shopping alone, worried about those bullies down the block, no more. Just imagine your friends suprise when you show up with one of these on your arm. Now, you can truly be no more mister nice guy. Command respect, be looked up to, take whatever you want. Be called the scourge of the universe. Yes this guantlet can re-make your image. All for a just a few token credits.

Warning: The sale of these Tavloid guantlets in no way, implies that this company endorses any illegal acts caused or affected by the use of these devices. 'Tavlek.' Whatever.

Please call our toll free intergalactic number now, our operators are standing by.

[AgentSun]

one url. www.villainsupply.com i think it's where scorpius got the aurora chair...however, i think they're located in the basement and not actually up for sale on the site.

[Frunium Slip]

Tired of being terrorized by some lunatic with a Tavloid guantlet? 'Tavlek.' Whatever. Not the scourge of the universe type? Have we got a deal for you. This just in, a Tarken Shield Belt to protect you from those crazed madmen we sell the weapons to. This baby will deflect any chemical based weapon system, and as an added bonus, allows travel in molten lava when activated. Compact, easy to carry, and black in color to go with any ensemble.

And priced cheap. How do we do it? Volume, volume, volume!

Don't be the last whiny little loser to get a tarken Shield Belt on your block. You know you want one, and we've got 'em.

Warning: Not for use when feeding the Budong pets, it just gives them a little indigestion. Read all waranties and instructions before use. Company not responsible for any damage caused by misuse of this device. batteries not included.

[Frunium Slip]

Now, for the species who has everything, the single most prized possession in the galaxies, a quantum singularity. Yes, our industrious scavengers have located a black hole somewhere near the Ilonic Sector. Being the entrepeneurs that we are, we immediately claimed all salvage rights, and are awaiting the deed titles now. Imagine the power you can wield with this object. The possibilities are endless. And it can all be yours for one low price.

Please call our intergalactic toll free number our operators are standing by.

Purchaser responsible for pick up and delivery. All applicable laws will apply to the purchaser. Seller takes no responsibility for any damage that may occur from the direct or incidental use of this object.

[Frunium Slip]

New product just in. Our expert scavengers just stumbled onto some new technology while ransacking, er, I mean, scavenging a derelict ship. It appears one of them took a jolt of electricity and is now experiencing future flashes. Always, being one to jump on any potential profit making enterprise, we now proudly bring to you our own version of electro shock therapy. Our new state of the art 'lectric chair has been modified and deemed completely safe for it's new purpose. We'll just strap you in, fire this thing up, zap the yotz out of you, and presto, instant potential future visions.

Please don't hesitate to call our intergalactic toll free number!

Warning: Electromagnetic shock therapy can affect higher brain functions, repeated use is not recommended, company not responsible for any brain damage, or strange body tics that may occur do to the procedure.

If experiencing difficulty please contact our medical facility on the Ice Planet, through our mediatery Grunchlk. We will keep 'practicing medicine' until we get it right.

[Frunium Slip]

Suffering from hot flashes, tired of getting the shivers, can't stand climate changes? Spouse constantly changing the thermal regulator setting at your abode? Have we got the product for you. Our new top of the line leather thermal coolant suit. This baby is designed to regulate extreme temperature changes, no more suffering during those hot summer days. Want to go out in the desert, hey you could go skipping on the surface of a small star! And don't forget those cold artic regions. With this new suit you will be the envy of all your friends. Each suit is custom fit, and comes in stylish black. Very popular with Scarren halfbreeds, and the S&M crowd.

Call our intergalactic phone line and order yours today!

And for those who still experience thermal problems, we can surgically install coolant rods directly into your brain. Don't worry this procedure is nearly foolproof. Once our lawyers finish the fine print, we'll be completely protected from any and all lawsuits. Now that should alleviate any worries you might have. All surgical procedures are conducted at our Ice Planet Medical Facility.

Just contact Grunchlk at our toll free intergalactic number. And always remember, we'll keep 'practicing medicine' until we get it right!

[trubador]

Originally posted by Frunium Slip
Pest problems at home? Not any more, buy your very own Vork guaranteed to drive you and any pests completely out of your home. Combination tracker, exterminator, excrement maker, leg freller, and overall pain in the neck. Well suited for getting rid of inlaws and other unwanted guests. Caution may bite, keep away from small, large and for that matter any kids. Possibly all adults too.

Fine Print:

All units sold as is, there will be absolutely no exchanges or refunds if you are foolish enough to take one of these little drannits off our hands.
:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:
Frunium Slip.... you have WAY too much time on your hands!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

And, regarding the Budong, you forgot to mention that the Electro-Magnetic Candy is sold separately.:D

[Frunium Slip]

Thank you Trubador for the tip, never want to leave out a potential money making item. Thanks to you I have corrected our add.

And, per your inquiry, our esteemed pharmaceutical expert, Noranti, is making up a special cure for your little 'Problem.' With our special ingredients of herbs, excess body fluids, and warm spit, your remedy will be ready in no time. Not to preach to you but you might want to stay away from those type of establishments from now on.

If symptoms persist, you might want to check out our prestigous medical facility on the Ice Planet. Grunchlk will be happy to assist you.

And don't forget we'll be 'practicing medicine' until we get it right!

[Frunium Slip]

For those of you who want to live forever, those who would like to see what the future is like, and those who feel like they just don't belong in this time space continuum, have we got a new deal for you. We have just 'procured' a rather large shipment of cryogenic storage chambers. That's right, we can now freeze you and thaw you out later, at any time you want to specify. These thermal storage units have been declared completely safe, and we can guarantee, as soon as you are re-activated, dinner will be served.

No more longing to disappear down what may very well be an unstable wormhole, hey we can alter your reality. Just a few measly credits, and a substantial storage fee, and you can literally live almost forever! Want to learn Ancient Luxon, Scarran, or that new language from Erp? Well we can make it happen by adding self help tapes to the chamber. Want to quit smoking? It's easy, quit while you sleep in peaceful bliss. No more sessions of AA! We have almost limited self help tapes, and we're making up new ones every day!

All purchases of cryogenic storage units must be proceeded with a signed consent form. Don't bother with the 500 pages of fine print, we've conveniently placed the signature space right on the first page.

So, sign up now, we guarantee these babies will be going fast!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now!

[Frunium Slip]

Low on food, having trouble finding convenient commerce planets, need to stock up for that long trip to the nether regions of space? Have we got the new item for you! That's right, new 'Soylent Green' Food Cubes, found in our new frozen food section. These tasty treats are dissected, stacked and thermally stored in our very special food cryogenic storage chambers. Convenient, easily stored and oh so tasty! Designed to keep things frozen literally forever! And don't worry, we're adding to the inventory daily!

As an added bonus, we've added randomly selected self help tapes to each unit. That way you can be improving yourself at the same time as eating your fill.

Just call our toll free intergalactic number now!

[FireDancer]

Can't believe this thread took off so much. Here's so more from my twisted mind...

-Do you like 'action?' Want to play the field and not have to worry about unwanted pregnancy? Try Sebacian Gene Therapy, from Acme Genetic Products Inc. You'll be able to hold embryos safe and sound for seven years, and not have to spend a buck on contraceptives. WARNING-May cause adverse reactions to heat

-Wheelchair not up to snuff anymore? Really want to fly? Try the throne sled. Hoover a safe six to twelve feet above the ground, regain the mobility of those fools who use there legs, with none of the effort.

-Want to know what that cabbie or hot dog vendor is really saying to you? Thinking of becoming a spy? To lazy to pass that French final? Try new Translator Microbes from Phizer Pharmaceuticals. Covered by insurance.

-ChiaXhaan-Everybody's favorite sentient plant species in your very own home. Just water the seeds and watch beautiful blue women sprout in just 200-300 years.

[Frunium Slip]

Having political trouble on your planet. Tired of Zenetan pirates disturbing the shipping lanes, scared of an alien threat? Have we got the service for you! New to the Uncharted Territories, Peace Keeper forces, designed to quell riots, bring law and order to the cosmos, eliminate pirates, protect planets from alien invasion, help with traffic control, and countless other uses! You say your ship is broken down in a trade route and you need help, hey these guys are more than happy to blast that derelict to bits, with or without you on it. Yes, these forces are here to help you. There special commando squads are heavily armed and willing to interdict into the most hostile of situations. Need a riot quelled, these forces can destroy entire cities in order to save them. Promoted by body count, commandos show no mercy to young or old alike. Wouldn't you just feel safer knowing this kind of force is protecting you?

And for the first time, don't bother calling us! Call them instead! How you might ask? It's easy! Just seek the correct hailing frequency, and hail them with your urgent message!

That's right just remember to:

Seek...Hail

Seek...Hail

Seek...Hail

Seek...Hail *

And always remember that they are here to help you.

Allright, you can get that pulse pistol out of my ear, I said what you wanted.

* 'Stolen' from many other types of media don't actually know where it started.

[Frunium Slip]

Trying to find that perfect gift for your significant other? Have we got the gift for you! Just brand 'em with our high quality Luxan Union Do-It-Yourself Tattoo Maker. That's right, a new easy to use tattoo maker! No more going to questionable tattoo parlors, where god knows where that utensil has been. These tattoos are big, beautiful, and guaranteed to leave a lasting impression on your loved one.

A great Luxan symbol of courage, honor, and loyalty! Hey, who could resist that?

Very popular with Luxans, sadists, evil bad guys, etc. And the uses are almost endless! You can even use this device to mark your Budong pet, if you want to get that close.

Just call our toll free intergalactic number now!

PS to FireDancer, love the ChiaXhaan pet! Wished I had thought of it! Looks like a great potential credit maker!

Edited for frellin' typos!

[Frunium Slip]

Couldn't afford the Command carrier? The Farscape Module not sporty enough? Have we got the ship for you. Our newly acquired Erradicator. Yes, that terror of the universe, able to destroy leviathans with a single shot, devastatingly accurate, trim design, and available in a two tone color! Matching key ring is available. And don't forget that stealth mode, when your out gallavanting around the quadrant contrary to your spouse's wishes. Makes a great 'scavenger' ship, we use one all the time! This one is a slightly stripped down version, hezamana, we don't want any real competition.

Please call our toll free intergalactic number now!

Warning: Illegal use of this craft may violate universal or local laws, company is not responsible for such acts, vehicle sold for pleasure craft purposes only. If you cause any trouble we don't know you, and you better not know us.

Luxon artifacts not included, may be purchased seperately at substantial cost.

Taxes, tags and title not included in purchase price.

[newguy]

Originally posted by elfinity
...Aurora Chair - no more forgotten song lyrics or jokes you just can't seem to remember the punchline to!


..ahahah

[Frunium Slip]

Impress your friends! Get your very own Ancient Luxan artifact, the notorious Qualta Blade. Yes, the very same weapon with which the Luxans went screaming in retreat so fast when they fought the Grizoleans. You too can replicate the infamous Luxan strategy! Slaughter women and children with the best of them!

A fine two edged sword dating back to antiquity, the Qualta Blade is a devastating hand to hand weapon. Also, great for slicing up that roast Grolack at those outdoor barbecues! And, as an added bonus for those who don't like their hands quite so bloody, it also makes a precision pulse weapon. Great for entertaining friends! Think of the fun just blasting away at those wild Barkans!

Please call our intergalactic toll free number now! Remember supplies are limited, so don't delay, order your Qualta Blade now!

Chakan oil and legal counsel not included.

[Frunium Slip]

Have we got new deals for you! While raiding, er, I mean, conducting a mercantile mission to the Royal Planet looking for more of those primo lawn ornaments, our worthy scavengers have come across several great products that will thrill you, overwhelm you, and hopefully get you to spend lots of credits!

First up is the Transmutation Processor, a fascinating device that is designed to individually encapsulate cells, in laymans terms, bronze the yotz out of you! Calibrated for Sebaceans, designed to last for eighty cycles, and enormously symbolic to the native culture! Imagine yourself a bronze idol, with everyone adoring you! Yes, you too can stress your own importance, just like the many heroes you looked up to as a child. Just remember to try and take your pose seriously. And if bronzing yourself is unappealing, you can bronze others. Think of the beautiful gardens, lawns, and streets that will benefit from having a great looking statue, which can be personalized with a signature plaque!

Warning avoid acid baths, as they may cause statue to prematurely pit. Clean with mild detergents, only. Non-sebaceans may experience problems during the transmutation process.



Next up is the Progeny Machine. It samples DNA, tests compatibility, and projects images of future offspring! See what your children may look like. No, more unexpected nasty surprises! And just check out this ringing endorsement:

"Oh, this is truly amazing! I must have one for my kingdom!" -Dominar Rygel XVI ruler of the Hynerian Empire.

With this baby, none of you're babies need ever go wrong again!



And lastly, we stole, er, I mean acquired a shipment of Compatibilty Nectars. These little bottles contain a compatibility potion that is activated by kissing the potential love interest. Just think, instant compatibility results! No lab can do it faster! This stuff is designed for your base instincts.

If, do to unforseen circumstances, things don't work out, we can get you a prime littigarian to annul whatever ceremony you mistakenly got yourself into! Ain't we the bomb! No need to thank us, your credits will do just fine.

Call our toll free intergalactic hot line now, operators are standing by!

And may I say from the very bottom of my heart, which is deep within my body, you look mahvelous!

[Kerrigan]

*You* are mahvelous, Frunium, keep'em coming, I'm laughing myself to tears here. Love the cross-references!



And now, a special offer: the appliance you've always dreamed of: the Scarran vaacuum cleaner. Useful for scanning nuclear bombs, snooping on private conversations and, of course, vacuuming. You'll never have to pick those Streletzia petals off the floor again, this baby will do it for you!

Comes in bright red only, order yours now and get a Toaster with every order! Honestly we have no idea what its function could be, but John Crichton himself seemed to hold it in high regard so we're sure it must be a wonderful thing to have around the house!

[Frunium Slip]

Friends mocking your eyesight, having trouble seeing past a metra? Tired of being taken by unsavory charlatans for not reading the fine print? Have we got the device for you! Thanks to our ever industrious pirates, er procurement officials, we've acquired a shipment of Peace Keeper Oculars! That's right, the very best in sight enhancement! Give yourself great eyes, better than 20/20, and they're blue! You heard right, now get these babies in blue as well as the ever stylish black!

Great for spotting upcoming trouble, unsavory characters, and peeping into windows! Just look up and discover the wonders that you've been missing!

To order call our toll free intergalactic number now! Or visit us unsavory charlatans at our showroom on Frunium Way!

Yotz, no need for the fine print anymore!


PS Kerrigan, you don't get the toaster!

[mycattoldme]

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

Thanks Frunium Slip! :D

[Frunium Slip]

Looking for a nice vacation spot to take your favorite Delvian? Or maybe just looking to top off that summer tan? Have we got the vacation spot for you. Come visit our Five Pulsars of Light Holiday and Resort Casino! Relax in the pleasant setting of the Five Pulsars and let the Ionic radiation engulf your essence! Yes, these services just get better and better all the time! And for those non-Delvians, we have beaches, exotic dance clubs, and gambling casinos all in one great setting!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, our operators are standing by.

Warning the Five Pulsars region may affect lesser species, such as, genetic laborers, ungifted menials and if rumours are true a rare species of Erpmen. Affects may include a slight impedement of judgement, some wooziness perhaps, or just acting twisted. And please keep an eye on any Delvians that you bring here as this is a family resort.

Hey, Guido that guy is skipping without paying! Break his frellin' legs! All four of 'em!

Yes, a little quiet resort where you can get away for a peaceful family vacation.

[akimbo]

PK Marital Arts Center
Master Aeryn Sun - chief instructor

Train in all the Peacekeeper Martial Arts with a PK master!

Learn the Pantak Jab!

Wow your friends with the Ilonic Neural Stroke!

Classes forming now - call us at 1-800-PK-FOR-ME

Edited to add:
I love this thread :rollin:

Thanks FireDancer for for getting the ball rolling. :aok:
And to Frunium Slip and others for keeping it up.

More...I need more. :P

Throne Sleds perhaps? :ewink:

[Frunium Slip]

Tired of asking your Leviathan Pilot what the frell is that? Can't tell hamman side from ham and eggs, amnexus fluid from amnesia? Have we got the book for you! That's right, we have hijacked, er I mean, 'acquired' a large shipment of the incredible book "Leviathans for Dummies." No more looking like a 'greebol' in front of your friends! Why just last year, we, your friends at The Uncharted territories could have used this book as we attempted to steal, er I mean appropriate a pregnant Leviathan, what a nightmare that was! You can learn from our experience and make your own brand new mistakes! With a minimum of reading skills, some mathematics, a working knowledge of schematics, some engineering, experience in maintenance, galactic star charts, turbomachinery, advanced calculus, quantum physics, and the radiation sciences, you too can master this workhorse of the universe! And it's so easy!

I mean if that little frellin' pilot race can do it, an advanced race such as yourselves, will have an easy time!

Don't hesitate to call, our operators are standing by!

[akimbo]

Furlow's Fine Used Module Sales

Is your prowler always in the shop?

Wish your other ship was a Leviathan?

Want to travel through wormholes and not end up as goo?

Visit our planet sized showroom today.

Buy here, pay here...wormhole scans accepted as trade as are Farscape Modules.

Free Solar Flair Goggles with every purchase.

Charrids Welcome!

[Frunium Slip]

Want to make your ship pass a sensor scan? How about look like an oil freighter, or a pleasure yacht, with a jacuzzi? Have we got the device for you! Yes that's right, your friends here at Uncharted Territories have recently pirated, er received a supply of Sensor Distorters at a significant discount! Doubt our reputation?

These beauties can disguise your ship to look like any number of peaceful easy going vessels. Just bring your pride and joy to our commerce center at the dead leviathan, and we'll have our techs work on your sensor modulator. Now that you know that I know what I'm talking about just bring that baby in. And no need to worry, we have a strict policy, nobody steals our clients ships except us. Our deal, our rules.

Warning: your new Sensor Distorter will only pass sensor scans if your ship matches the movements of vessels you are trying to mimic. If you're not that good, well your problem.

Just call our toll free intergalactic number to schedule an apointment. Thanks for your patronage.

And remember nobody sells outlawed mods like your friends at Uncharted Territories!

[Frunium Slip]

Like our sensor distorter, would you like to enhance yourself as well? Perhaps running from enforcement officials, bounty hunters and the like. Trust me, I'm sure it's all been a great intergalatic misunderstanding. Have we got the service for you! Genetic Transformations, just pick a species and we'll transmute you to their very essence. You'll even be able to pass a genetic scan! You'll be able to walk straight by anything that might be looking for you. Don't know which species you'd like? Well just pick some characteristics you'd like to have. Such as hands, feet, the ever popular loomas, and eyes would be great! You choose, whatever.

And anyone who buys one of our modifications also buys our confidentiality. That's right you'll be completely safe, just like many of our experienced scavengers. And we'll keep that information safe, until the reward increases!

Remember you can always trust your friends at Uncharted Territories.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now!

[trubador]

Okay, Fruoon the Moon, you're really beginning to scare me. :P

[Frunium Slip]

Has a co-worker aggravated you, boss fired you, local community leader falsely accused you, relative just pissed on your parade, or deranged TV executive canceled your favorite show for no frellin' reason? Have we got the device for you! New from your friends at Uncharted Territories, our new Bioloid Chamber, capable of replicating any being in the known galaxies! That's right, our space pirates, er I mean, aggressive merchant tradesmen will acquire the offending being, bring them to our facility, and then duplicate them with a more, shall we say, reasonable view point! And they're practically foolproof!

Just trade us all the tea in China and whatever else you can think of, and we'll get right on with it, trust me you don't want to know the details.

How can we keep doing this? Capitalism! Ain't it great!

We will not be having any blue light specials on this service, nor any discounts coupons will be accepted.

If for any reason your bioloid doesn't work out, we'll be glad to duplicate another for a substantial fee!

Just call our special toll free number 1-800-bioloid now, we have operators standing by!

Edited for another frellin' typo!

[Frunium Slip]

Do you need to stay focused, not that enlightened, mental strength not your strength? Then have we got the service for you! Our intrepid scavengers have just run across Katoiya's Mental Arts Training and Pong School. Located in Tormented Space, this school is administered by Zen Master Katoiya, it features mental discipline and a very cool update of the pong game! Our Master Jedi can immediately help you with probes, landmines and corkscrews in your head!

You'll be able to focus on your more immediate tasks first, find your path, and release your mind.

And don't worry, if you're not able to exert even a microt of self control over your impulses, there are detention cells for remedial training. This need not be difficult... but it probally will be.

Added bonus, a Juxtowie Crystal will be attached to ensure that your stay will not be a brief one! That's right, you'll receive a cool fairy crystal and jammies! And to alleviate any concerns over your ability to finish the training, the crystal will bore through your brain if you leave early.

And remember that it's not meant to be painless.

Proceed at your own risk

Just call our intergalatic hot line now!

[Talyn-John]

Tired of people driving SLOWLY in the fast lane?
Sick of people taking up the sidewalk when you NEED to get by?
Annoyed by people who ALWAYS frell up your plans?

Try our brand new, state of the art, LEVIATHAN KILLER MISSILE! You don't have to be Freud to figure this baby out. It's just point-and-click. Never worry about those pesky escaped prisoners again.

Comes in Ultra-large sizes for those with MARAUDING ambition, and our new lightweight model for those on the PROWL.

Here's your rematch, baby.

Call us now at 1-800-UGO-BOOM. Operators are standing by for your call.

[Talyn-John]

Can't figure out what to wear to that Gammak Base?
Need something stylish that just yells "Look at me?"
Want to get the attention of that really cute peacekeeper babe with a pulse pistol trained at your head?

Try our all-purpose leather pants.
Whether you're infiltrating the enemy's secret base, or just welcoming someone to the Federation starship "SS Buttcrack", these pants make everyone get up and ask the question:

"Does my a** look big in these pants?"

Call 1-800-CHA-FING right now and get a Pulse Pistol completely free of charge as our gift.
Not to mention a set of knives.

Operators are standing by.

[Talyn-John]

Need more TIME?
Always ending up in BIZARRE situations?
AFRAID that you'll fail?

Try our new course, WORMHOLES FOR DUMMIES! Comes complete with wormhole nexus and ice flow. Taught by professor Einstein, if you pass, you won't be Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck or Flash, but you WILL be Dorothy-Frelling-Gale from Kansas. If you fail, well... Professor Einstein is known for his strictness.

SO DON'T FAIL!

Sign up at Tormented Space near you.

[Frunium Slip]

Does your occupation require your ship to evade more than a sensor scan? Looking to slip in and out of quadrants completely undetected? Perhaps evade enforcement officials effectively when cornered? Well you've come to the right place, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the device for you! Our aggressive merchant tradesmen have acquired new Sentra Devices which can be custom installed on your vessel! When you switch it on your ship becomes invisible! Completely undetectable! We've been using this device for years to steal, er obtain at discount rates, many of the items in our inventory! But due to certain legal difficulties about tax evasion, we've decided to offer these for immediate sale! Just think of the possibilities!

How does it work? What do I look like a frellin' science wiz? Something to do with adjusting the electromagnectics of space vessels. According to our detained engineering staff, it works on the inverse of the ship's power drives. But enough with the science lecture, just drop on by Frunium Way and see it work!

What are you waiting for? Make an appointment now! Just head for the light, more light, I must have more light!

Call our toll free intergalactic number, operators are standing by!

And remember you can always trust your friends at Uncharted Territories!

Edited for another of those frellin' typos

[Frunium Slip]

Are you a Resident Comshaw Artist? A thief? A buccaneer? A space pirate? Or perhaps just an unauthorized procurement officer? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories are looking for you! Due to continued legal difficulties, we've reluctantly had to collect bounties on some of our more notorious scavengers. This has left us in somewhat of a predicament. To keep up the high standard of living to which we've been accustomed, we must obtain more scavengers to acquire the fine products at a substantial cost reduction that we sell for large profits. Yes, we're looking for a few good beings. Now you can benefit from our loss!

It just gets better and better all the time, doesn't it guys?

No experience required, although it may help keep you from enforcement officials. And if you're worried about incarceration, don't. Our littagarians will keep us out of jail, although your coverage won't be in effect for a full 90 days, or not at all if the reward gets high enough. Looking for health care benefits? Well just keep looking, 'cause we're only interested in keeping ourselves alive!

So, if you're desperate enough, and looking for a new profitable career, just call us at our toll free intergalactic number!

Edited to add:

Employment at Uncharted Territories confers to said employee all the duties and benefits of membership in the Aggressive Merchant Tradesmen Guild. Guild card required for employment. Indentured apprenticeship may be required depending on experience. Benefits adjusted accordingly. All rewards, and or bounties collected are the expressed property of Uncharted Territories, and no unauthorized bounty hunting of Guild members will be tolerated.

[Talyn-John]

Tired of cold space? Want to cozy up to the fire? Need someplace out of the way for your experiments?
We here at UT rental housing have just come across a listing for a slightly used and fire-damaged Gammak Base, perfect for those mad scientists looking to create a wormhole. A real fixer-upper.
At just 1800 Erp dollars a month, inclusive with weapons systems, mining complex exterior, oil sea and Aurora Chair, this baby is going fast. It's a deal that's hot, hot, hot!

Warning: UT Rental Housing is not responsible for any escaped convicts crashing into the moon with a transport pod. Ignition of oil sea voids warranty on Aurora Chair.

Call us now at 1-888-U-R-SCRPY.

[mycattoldme]

Is it a sad fact that every time you go grocery shopping or to the mall you spend what seems like hours wondering through row after row of cars wondering "Where the frell did I park"?

Well, not any more! Have your own personal "homing beacon" installed in your dashboard today. Personalized with your own customized welcome message, this beacon will active the minute you come within 200 yards of your vehicle, beckoning you, and everyone around you, to the correct geographical location of your vehicle.

Buy one now and never wander aimlessly again!

Call 1-800-OVERHERESTUPID today!

[Frunium Slip]

Do 'you' wish your cat could talk? Wish your dog could tell you what he wanted? Just want to know what your Iguana is thinking? Well, have we got a new pet for you! Your friends at Uncharted Territories have recently acquired a rather large selection of Hynerians during a pirate raid, er, aggressive merchant expedition. These lovely animals will make great pets, they're loyal, lovable, totally agreeable, domesticated, and courteous. Plus we need to get 'em out of here! Additionally, they make great diplomats, and garbage disposals. No more eating left overs for days! These lil' swine have three stomaches, one of them must be empty! Plus, each of them eats and craps his body weight twice a day. Should quickly clear out any unnecessary food groups.

Just hear this lady sing her glowing endorsement of her Hynerian:

You're lying, you know how I know that, because you always lie! You have no integrity, you have no honor, you cheat, you steal, you lie, you stuff your face, that's you!

Yes, just get your lovely little Hynerian today! Call our toll free intergalactic number now, our operators are standing by!

Edited to add:

And don't forget these little buggers fart helium, a great bonus when filling those party balloons! It's a natural body function, and it's odorless.

re-edited to add the 'you' thanks so much mycattold me!

[Frunium Slip]

We normally don't do no stinkin' requests, but just for Akimbo, we have this one time requested deal (even though I'm pretty sure it was done earlier in the thread. Hey, what do ya want from me?)

Just purchased that little Hynerian, and now Fluffy is having trouble keeping up? Can't find little Sparky in a crowded room? Tired of always looking down at Guido? Want Scruffy to look more regal? Have we got the item for you. That's right, your friends at Uncharted Territories have just stolen, er, received at a tremendous discount, several Hynerian Throne Sleds. These babies are the perfect compliment to your new Hynerian pet. No more reaching down to feed the lil' bugger! It will be able to reach the table by itself! And you will be able to look the lil' swine right in the eye, so no more neck strain! In a crowded area, the throne sled can be made to levitate above the crowd, so Spanky won't ever get lost!

Your little self serving, deprecating, loud mouthed Hynerian pet will just love this sled!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now! These items will go fast!

[Kerrigan]

Want people to look up to you? Feel you're too small and insignificant to be taken seriously? Tired of being the laughing stock of others? We have just the remedy for your problems!

Buy a Severed Head (tm) today, take it wherever you go and feel the power, revel in the awe you inspire! Show it off and watch people become more respectful towards you! Have your point made! Finally, have it YOUR way!

Heck, buy a second one in case the first starts to rot... err, in case you misplace your old one. Buy two and get a Severed Hand (tm) with your purchase. Call now!


PS: eww, I know, this is sick :)

[Talyn-John]

Severed heads, severed hands.... It's a motif.:D

[mycattoldme]

Do wish your cat could talk? :D

[Kerrigan]

Commercial video.

Intro scene:
Zhaan is in her quarters, lying on her back, basking in the sun, smiling. John walks past her.
John: "Hey, Zhaan! You fakin' it?"

*flash*

Announcer: How many times have you asked yourself that? Is your significant other faking it? She may not look like the female of her species but she could "act" like one... and you'd never know! Find out today what she's feeling, try our Quatal Mollusks. Coming in soylent green, bright orange or royal violet, they work like a charm, letting you experience whatever the person you're sharing the mollusk with is feeling. Remove the veil of secrecy and delve into the unknown.

Here's what one... uh... happy... customer experienced:

D'Argo: "Nothing. It's... uh, it's Noranti. She... uh..."
Aeryn: "Is she in pain?"
D'Argo tries to speak: "No... no." while gasping. "It's... it's the opposite."
Dr Tumii: "She's experiencing intense pleasure?"
D'Argo gasps: "Very intense."

Order your Quatal Mollusks today!

Minor side effects include loss of consciousness and death.

[Kerrigan]

Universally renowned villan extraordinaire Scorpius never used them but John Crichton did. Whose smile appeals to you best? People into S&M, red-headed bioloids and power hungry cute captains please refrain from answering. Everybody else will answer: Crichton's.

What is it that John uses and Scorpius doesn't? Dentics! We have'em, call now and pick from a wide variety of flavors: mint, cherry and chicken. Now also in the brand new Christerium Utilia flavor, too, so get ready for your hot flushes to be accompanied by a lovely glistening smile in a Scarran Base near you.

[mycattoldme]

Aluminum foil hat no longer able to keep others from reading your deepest, most sacred thoughts (like the ones about you know who in those tight leather pants...)

Then we've got what you've been aching for!

Our scientists have been able to modify and rebuild a defense shield to the size of something very very tiny. Simply attach this device to the top of you head, secure it with something strong and sticky and any time a mind probe heads your way - snap, presto, evil thoughts be gone...your new brain defense shield will activate and wipe your mind clean!

Its easy, fun and instructional!

For immediate shipment call 1-800-clueless and we'll rush your order to your door -- today!

[Talyn-John]

New to the Uncharted Territories!
Try KFD! That's right, everyone. Kentucky Fried Dentics! Now we know what you're thinking: Dentics! You can't eat Dentics! But remember, these are fried Dentics! You can eat anything if it's fried!
While not for those on the Jenny Craig diet, if you're hungry, these Dentics are the best fried food this side of Kentucky itself.

Coming Soon to the UT:
Carolina Style Keedva. Best Barbeque This Side Of A Budong!

[witchdoctor]

Have a hot date coming up and need something more than those all purpose leather pants to make things go your way?

Tired of seeing the same old tralks, but that leather coolant suit just isn't attracting them like it used to?

Have a tough negotiation coming up and need more of an edge than than spying and blackmail provide?

Need a way to motivate reluctant employees and underlings?

Grayza's Allure is the new perfume that will have them eating out of your hand, or whatever else strikes your fancy. Available in a cologne for the men too! Available in Command Carrier PX's everywhere.

"They may question your ability to command or your loyalty to
Peacekeeper command. They may even relieve you of
command. But they will never question your allure"

[Frunium Slip]

Looking for a great vacation spot to celebrate a second honeymoon? Or, perhaps just stimulate your love relationship? Your friends at Uncharted Territories have got the perfect little get away for you! That's right just book a Leviathan 'Honeymoon" passage to our famous Syren Star Resort Community and Night Club. Our resort features night spots, jacuzzis, 24 ahns a day sunbathing, catered dining, and kareoke.

We'll stock plenty of Drexim fluid on the Leviathan to make sure you're completely distracted! And don't worry about your valuables, we'll keep them in our impervious safe , right here at Uncharted Territories just waiting for your timely return!

Warning sun bathing not recommended without heat deflecting paste, sure it smells like puke, but it's only been pre-digested to increase the potency! Please do not be concerned with the ship's proximity to the star. It is absolutely nothing for you to worry about. Your fantasy trip will be ending before you realize it! Yotz, you probably will never leave the Leviathan. Hey we can practically guarantee it!

Call our toll free intergalactic number to book your final passage today, our operators are standing by!

All unclaimed valuables will be confiscated by Uncharted Territories in the highly unlikely event of a catastrophe. All Leviathans are heavily insured for accidental coverage, to protect our assets. All confirmed passages require a signed consent form, including 'accidental death' coverage of all passengers, with Uncharted Territories as the beneficiary.

Have a 'Hot Time' on the cruise!

Edited for frellin' typos -probally? sheesh! I need a spell check!

[akimbo]

Originally posted by Talyn-John
New to the Uncharted Territories!
Try KFD! That's right, everyone. Kentucky Fried Dentics! Now we know what you're thinking: Dentics! You can't eat Dentics! But remember, these are fried Dentics! You can eat anything if it's fried!
While not for those on the Jenny Craig diet, if you're hungry, these Dentics are the best fried food this side of Kentucky itself.

Coming Soon to the UT:
Carolina Style Keedva. Best Barbeque This Side Of A Budong!

Kentucky Fried Dentics :rollin: :rofl: :thud:

Did I say I love this thread :aok:

edited: thanks for doing requests Frunium Slip!

[Frunium Slip]

Looking for some cheap diposable body guards? Or, perhaps some cannon fodder to attract all the enforcement attention for your next crime? Maybe you just need a test monkey for that new space technology, but don't want to lose some one of value? Your friends at Uncharted Territories have the grunts for you! Just take advantage of our new 'Rent a Charrid' offer!

Sure, they won't win any wars, but they can save your eema by taking one for the team! Easily replaceable, these babies die in droves, and won't cause any problems by asking difficult questions, or understand any complex answers for that matter!

Just a small rental, deposit fee, and an insurance premium and you can have your very own Charrid grunt! And if it gets damaged, what the frell! Just contact your friends at Uncharted Territories, and we'll handle all the loose ends. We guarantee the incident will be reported as an accident!

Warning, if renting more than one Charrid, it is advisable to place numbers on them for recognition purposes, as they all look alike.

All Charrid rentals require a signed consent form, which includes an accidental life insurance policy for the Charrid, with Uncharted Territories as the sole beneficiary.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now!

Edited to add:

We use 'em all the time, although our insurance agent is gettin' kinda suspicious.

[Talyn-John]

Is a coworker beginning to bug you?
Boss just not giving you that raise you need?
Tired of being bullied?

We here at the Nebari Prime outlet of Uncharted Territories Technologies have just come across Nebari Mind Cleansing. That's right, just poke your captive's... err... friend's... eyes out and deliver a minor amount of our drug, and they'll be gentle as a kitty cat. That's right. Oh lookie here, it's a raise. Thanks, boss.

Just read these endorsements from our victims... uh... customers:

You don't open it, you embrace it.

Soon you will know the bliss that I know.

Nebari Mind Cleansing. Next best thing to a neural harness.

[Talyn-John]

Welcome to John's Keedva Barbeque! Best barbeque this side of a Budong!

That's right, our Keedva comes in just one flavour, Carolina. 'Course, you can pretty much only have it well-done, as we have to use big, powerful guns to kill it. Dumb critters only fall for that silly impaling trick once.

So come on down! Whether you're the Donner Party of the Uncharted Territories, or a Delvian hankerin' for a piece of meat! John's Keedva Barbeque! Just turn right at the decaying Budong!

Oh. Just so y'all know, if that silly Keedva starts to move on yer plate....

RUN!!!!!

[Frunium Slip]

Bored with all those silly board games? Sega, Playstation, et al not quite up to your new standards? Have we got a deal for you! Yes, your friends at Uncharted Territories have just acquired at a substantial discount several crates of reality games. Sure they may look like some kind of sick root, but they're complex matrix challenges and true 3-D simulations. Just press the flesh and then wait for it... wait for it.

Our aggressive merchant tradesmen seem to like the 'Kiss the Princess' version, or any of the porno ones for that matter. Don't worry if you've never played one of these advanced game systems, there is a built in avatar to guide you! Also, just follow the path, and game death resets current level. And always remember the exit overide, "I want out." It usually works.

So, if you're looking for a place to sheave that sword try any of these new game systems.

Warning brain damage and death are extremely rare, but not unheard of. Entering levels through back doors may cause game malfunctions. If you are indeed stuck in a level, remember to redeem your vouchers. And as we like to say next time lucky.

[Frunium Slip]

Is your female Peace Keeper giving you more than the usual trouble? Are you getting more of the 'evil eye,' or the cold blank stare? Does she seem more perturbed than usual? Eating strange food combinations? Recurrent stomach illness or nausea? Your friends at Uncharted Territories have the answer for you! Yes, the long awaited sequel to our previous book is here! Order your personal copy of "What to do with a Pregnant Sebacean, Peace Keeper Addition." The very book that just might save your life!

Step by step, easy to follow instructions will keep you from falling into the many pitfalls that accompany the pregnancy of Sebacean Peace Keepers. Learn the essential facts for survival, such as, hiding all sharp utensils, unloading all weapons, maintaining distance, wearing earplugs, and donning full body armor. Plus, an entire chapter called 'The PK Look, What the Yotz did that Mean?'

We, your friends at Uncharted Territories, know full well how easy it is to make a fatal error during this trying time! And this book will help keep you from these errors, such as, asking her questions like Is this some more of your Peace Keeper PMS?, and the ever dangerous what's the matter?

So, call our toll free intergalactic number now to order your personal copy of "What to do with a Pregnant Seabacean, Peace Keeper Addition, your very life just might depend on it!

Brought to you from your friends at Uncharted territories.

'Who loves you baby!

Edited to add:
Just read the Season 5 = Evil thread, just goes to show all great thinkers think alike!:D

[Frunium Slip]

Is your standard Peace Keeper issue pulse pistol not quite getting the job done? Tired of Scarrans just walking through all your shots? Looking for just more of an impact from your fired rounds? Well do we have the weapon for you! Your friends at Uncharted Territories have just stolen, er, acquired at a substantial discount the single most powerful hand gun in the entire Uncharted Galaxies, the Desert Model Pulse Automag Pistol! This baby will punch a hole through the side of a small moon, not to mention kicking the yotz out of the shooter! Definitely takes two hands, some bracing, and a lot of guts to shoot this hand cannon!

Not guaranteed to kill a Scarran, but it will sure knock you both off your feet!

Warning these pistols are sold for entertainment purposes only, any illegal or misuse of this weapon is the sole responsibility of the purchaser. Consult local ordinances before discharging pistol, as certain localities forbid grossly excessive amounts of force.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by!

And remember if you're going to point guns at people, get a bigger gun!

Edited for those frellin' typos

[mycattoldme]

and the ever dangerous what's the matter?

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

[Frunium Slip]

Normally, your friends at Uncharted Territories do not respond to questions or complaints of any kind, but due to the overwhelming responses we've received for our book 'What to do with a Pregnant Sebacean, Peace Keeper Addition' we feel the moral obligation to answer some of the public's more pressing questions. Besides, our advertising consultants say it's good publicity. And our Prime Littagarian says we might get sued! So what the frell, here goes...

To N.B. aboard a Command Carrier in Tormented Space; Irrational, irritable, suicidal, and vindictive, sure sounds like she might be pregnant. Doesn't really matter if you've done the deed only twice, it only takes once to fertilize the embryo. Good move placing her in custody, keeps her disarmed, and maintains distance. You still might want to wear the body armor, I mean, why take the chance?

To J.C. somewhere in the universe; We have never heard of an pregnant ex-Peace keeper, or an ex-Peace Keeper for that matter. You say she's gotten emotional? Developed feelings? Still has the tendency toward violence though. Uhm... while you may feel that the body armor is unnecessary, we strongly advise you to reconsider wearing it. We highly recommend full armor, but if you insist, we would suggest at the very least wearing a Lower Body Extremities Shield Protector (TM), which you can purchase from us at our special discount rate!. We at Uncharted Territories urge the utmost caution, and protection, especially of your mivonks. Just because your not afraid of your little missy, does not preclude you from protecting yourself from random acts of violence. If I were you I'd be afraid, I'd be very afraid!

To S. aboard a Command Carrier in Tormented Space; No we have no plans for a book on Kalish and quarter Scarran halfbreeds. But if demand is sufficient we can always change our minds, as we never look a gift Budong in the eye. Not that I'd want to get that close!

Brought to you from your friends at Uncharted Territories!

Who still loves you baby!

Idea a collaboration between Ex PK Comm Tech(finally registered!) and Frunium Slip Enterprises, Inc.

[Frunium Slip]

Are you a Human Resources Director looking for that edge when hiring job candidates? Perhaps, an enforcement official searching for a better confession rate? A significant other that doesn't trust your loved one's late nights at the office? Have we got the product for you! That's right, your friends at Uncharted Territories have developed a medical technique for transplanting Scarran Heat Glands into other races! Just think of the possibilities! No more little frellniks lying to you! You'll be able to know what others are thinking, with your new heat projection probe ability!

Our esteemed diagnosian Tocot will perform the transplant. This medical procedure is deemed completely safe by our legal documentation experts!

Just call Grunchlk at our Ice Planet Medical Facility, using the toll free intergalactic number!

All participants must sign the waiver form, allowing the medical facility to use the patient as a future donor in the highly unlikely event of a mishap. Don't concern yourself with the 543 and 1/2 pages of fine print, we have once again placed the signature space right on the front page for your convenience. Some infusion of neural tissue may be required during the operation. But don't worry about compatibility, we have thousands of donors in stock, and we're adding to the donor list all the time.

And repeat with me now:

We'll keep 'practicing medicine' until we get it right!

Edited to add:

Thanks to Ex PK Comm Tech for the 543 and 1/2 page waiver form!

[Kerrigan]

The Tablek Tavloid, the most recent addition to the UT media is releasing its first edition today! Read about the rising crime rate in the Tormented Space as more and more bands of thieves loot everything is sight. Do not miss our coverage of the Katratzi mystery on page 6: they say it was a bomb... but that's what Emperor Staleek wants us to believe. Discover the hidden truths beneath the crumbling ruins of the former imperial residence. Meet Stark, the person who was there to see it and allegedly pushed the button. Or not. The Tablek Tavloid brings fresh and accurate news, don't miss it tomorrow!

[Frunium Slip]

To the Editor of the Tavlek Tabloid,

Dear being,

It is with great reluctance that I take issue with the scandalous remarks made in your most recent edition. Such characterizations as bands of thieves, although colorful, taint the populations of the universe against honest tradesmen such as ourselves. Scavenging derelict space craft is an honorary, ancient, and very useful occupation. It clears clutter from the galaxies, and makes space travel just that much safer. Our fine aggressive merchant tradesmen are really fine upstanding citizens, although I must admit that I would not invite them over for dinner. Any bounties against these forthright citizens of the galaxies, are based soley on great intergalactic misunderstandings. As, honorable merchants, we at Uncharted Territories in no way condone acts of piracy, pillaging, rape or murder. Unless we can make a substantial profit with it. But only to help feed the poor starving masses, who we employ in our sweat shops.

Also, I must take exception to the term rising crime rate in Tormented Space, as I'm sure the crime in Tormented Space is no more prevalent than in other sectors of the galaxies that we terrorize. As honest tradesmen we find that remarks such as this hurt the tourist market, and eventually all the commerce planets in the region, as well as, possibly, adversely affecting our own profit margin.

In closing, please refrain from these types of scandalous accusations, as they hurt the economy of the entire sector, and warn potential victims, er, I mean, customers not to enter this region. If you doubt our reputations on this matter, please do not visit us any time, unless you have a warrant.

Signed your friends at Uncharted Territories

"Listen son, you don't want to frell with me on this one!" -Grunchlk

Edited to correct 'edition', addition? sheesh!

[Frunium Slip]

Looking to hire some real muscle? Need an intimidating body guard? Or perhaps seeking just the perfect bouncer type? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the answer for you! Due to the high demand for Scarran Heat Organ Transplants, we have a growing supply of, shall we say, domesticated Scarrans, that we really need to get rid of. Of course these babies don't pack the wallop they used to, but they're more than a little intimidating. They also retain great strength, but have reduced stamina. If you limit they're eating of Crystherium Utilia, it will make them slightly more aggressive, but more manageable. These brutes have proven to be more effective than our Rent a Charrids.

Hand select Scarans are available for slightly higher cost. Don't be the last one on your block to own your very own domesticated Scaran!

Call our toll free intergalactic hotline now, our operators are standing by!

Warning it is not recommended to purchase more than one Scaran, or if you do, to keep them well seperated. As with any wild animal, please take care when handling your domesticated Scaran. Uncharted Territories in no way waranties against antagonistic behavior of your domesticated Scaran. Please check local ordinances before purchasing your domesticated Scaran, as they may be illegal in some quadrants.

Rumors of domesticated Scarans attacking their new owners have been largely unsubstantiated. We, your friends at Uncharted Territories will not confirm, or admit to any such activity, without first being subpoenaed.

And remember if you need outlawed mods contact your friends at Uncharted Territories first! If you bought it elsewhere, you didn't get it from us!

Edited for yet another frellin' typo!

[Frunium Slip]

Have we got some fabulous new products for you! Our esteemed aggressive merchant tradesmen have just returned from a very profitable pirate raid, er, I mean, merchant expedition against the Coreeshi. And being the entrepreneurs that we are, your friends at Uncharted Territories are passing these wonderful products to you!

First up we have Pain Cuffs, these are very popular with enforcement officials, bounty hunters, kidnappers, and the S&M crowd! Just use the handy keypad to lock them on, and when required use the pad to send a jolting pain to your captive. This baby will really quell those rowdy prisoners! And as an additional bonus, the manacles can be magnetised to securely hold the offending rapscallions!

What a deal! But wait! There's more!

In addition, your friends at Uncharted Territories have stolen, er, I mean acquired Reduction Technology! This can be calibrated to operate from the very same keypad! Just imagine the ease of containing a miniscule captive! No more worries about them over powering you, they'll be practically helpless! And if they give you too much trouble, hey, just take one small step for man, and squash the lil' bugger! Donde esta la cucaracha?

Finally we have fantastic Exoskeleton Armor! Great for protection against most pulse weapons, projectiles, and hand to hand combat. These beauties can be grafted to your body, if you want a more permanent emplacement. Each will be customed fitted to your particular frame, depending on supply stockpiles. Our talented engineers, and techs will soon be reproducing this tech for for that real custom look, if they know what's good for them.

For an additional, almost insignificant, cost, all these technologies can be wrapped up into one amazing package! No need to thank us, your credits will do just fine!

Warning, Uncharted Territories will not be held liable if, for any reason, any of you pumpkin heads occur any difficulties, real, or imagined while wearing this armor. Purchase of said armor, in no way confers that Uncharted Territories condones, or by any fascimile endorses kidnapping, theft, or other criminal activities that may occur while clients are donning said armor. Unless , of course, we are profitting by said activities. Universal and local laws may apply.

We, your friends at Uncharted Territories, thank you for your continued, and to us very profitable, patronage.

Thank you soooo much.

Edited to add:

And just because it's from us, don't think it can't help in everyday life! Just think how easy moving can be with the Reduction Technology! And the cuffs would really come in handy on those long trips with the kids! And the full body armor is always a good idea when dealing with that pregnant Peace keeper!

Edited for yet another frellin' typo!

[Frunium Slip]

Didn't get a chance at one of the Desert Model Pulse Automag Pistols? Still looking for that heavy weapon? Need something better than weapons that only tickle the bad guys? Well, trust your friends at Uncharted Territories to deliver the ultimate answer to the bad guys! Yes, that's right, we proudly bring to you the Blunderbuss Gatling Gun, the bazooka of pulse rifles. Large, sinister looking, and in tasteful black, this baby is what you need to deliver multiple blasts from a large yield weapon. Capable of firing eight heavy pulse blasts, this beauty will rock their world! Not elegant by any means, but it is the perfect weapon when size does matter!

Call our toll free intergalactic phone lines now to place your order. Operators are standing by!

Warning purchase of this weapon does not convey rights to said purchaser to aim, point, or in anyway discharge this weapon at Aggressive Merchant Tradesmen Guild Members. Check all universal and local ordinances that may apply before purchasing this weapon. Refrain from using this weapon when intoxicated, or suffering blind rage at certain TV executives. Uncharted Territories reserves the right to destroy all purchase records in the event of a subpoena.


Who else would you trust to protect you from the bad guys, but your friends at Uncharted Territories, for we are guys your mother warned you about!

Edited to add:

And if you just so happen to run into any Coreeshi, or Wolaxian Spiders with your new Blunderbuss Gatling Gun, just check back with our esteemed apothecary Noranti for some fine recipes for Pumkin Head Pie, and Roasted Spider Soup!

[Talyn-John]

Got a crew that really bugs you?
Afraid they're going to turn feral from too much twinning?
Are your friends willing to sell your body parts for a map home?

Then come down to UTU (Uncharted Territories University) and sign up for our new course: Snarky Pilots 101!!!

That's right. Taught by Moya 's pilot himself, master phrases like the 2001: I'm afraid I can't do that, John. , or the agonizing and all-purpose: Aaaggggghhhhhhh!!!!!! , the snappy: Two and a half VERY long cycles , and, of course, the guilt-trippin': And what body part would you be willing to give in exchange, your Highness?

All those aspiring Pilots, come on down, and you'll be trading quips with the best of 'em.

UTU: Charting the course for the Future.

[FireDancer]

Twins R Us-Is your child accident prone? Has he made bad connections with the mob? WIll he need replacement organs in the near future? Then try the remarkably Twins R Us Twinomatic. Make a copy of your loved ones so you'll always have a spare should something...unfortunate...happen. Wont' take our word for it, listen to these respected organizations:
"Jesus Christ that's terrible,"Consumer Reports.
"You are all going to hell,"Catholic Church.
"You are all going to jail,"Federal Government.
"We can do that already,"guys who run the Matrix.

Pilots-Tired of those human pilots when you take a cruise or fly anywhere? They require sleep, they only have two arms, and crack jokes at our hardworkering flight attendants. Well no more! Straight from the Uncharted Territories come the pilots, a species perfectly suited to running large machinery. Dont' worry, we won't tell them they're not leviathans if you don't. DNA injections available for discount. LOW LOW PRICES!

Gauntlet-Do you have to study for those exams tommorow? Are you a boxer fading in the final rounds? Do you want to win every marathon you enter? Well try the gauntlet. dont' be suckered in by street versions cut with AMphetamines, pure Gauntlet will give you the energy you need and the ability to project lighting bolts. Leave your friends behind with Gauntlet.

Sun Glasses-Next time you visit Furlough's planet don't forget your ray-bans. One of the few useful things to come out of that backwater hole known as Earth (Except for its sugar, very popular with the hinerians), these babies will let you suck up the solar flares without cutting off your vision. Helplful cause lets face it, in this universe EVERYBODY is out to get you.

[Grippy]

Brand new products straight from the Uncharted Territories!

Worried that your impressionable teen is sneaking out at night? Afraid your significant other is two timing you? Well, for the first time ever, we have available a miniturized version of The Flax available for home use! No more will anyone be able to get out...or in for that matter without you knowing! Once they're caught in the Flax they won't be going anywhere until you get to them.

Always looking for grocery cupons? Want to save a few bucks on food? Well right now we have a special deal on bulk dried food squares aka crackers! They may not taste or look like much but they'll keep you fed and happy for as long as they last.

We understand that on Erp like everywhere else in the galaxy, people want to become intoxicated, get frelled, have fun! Well, coming soon to your local alcohol establishments we have Fellip Nectar and Raslak! Now you can get dren faced like beings everywhere!

Having those pesky cleaning problems? No matter what the problem, Dead Budong Acid can fix it for you! It will eat the dirt off of anything you pour it on! Just be sure junior and the cat are out of the way...not reccomended for beings you want to keep around.

Looking for a vehicle that will set you apart from the pack? For a limited time only we have for you Dam-ba-da Dune Buggies. We guarentee that these babies can truck on almost any surface, and have enough style to make anyone look twice!

New on the Bookshelves from author J.Crichton! "My Life in the Uncharteds" or "How to Get Frelled By Aliens in Less Than 10 Solar Days" This amazing book will bring light to the villans the women, the strange people, and insane happenings of the Uncharteds like never before!

Looking for a new jewel for your loved one? Well for the first time on Erp we have Kelvic Crystals, wonderful luminescent green gems brought at great cost and toil from Dead Budong mines everywhere! Perfect for any sort of jewelry, will stand out in any crowd. Due to difficult nature of mining, our supply fluxuates greatly, so order now!


:rainbow:

[Frunium Slip]

Our esteemed Aggressive Merchant Tradesmen have just returned from an immenseley profitable raid, er, I mean trade expedition to the Plokavoid sector of space. 'That's Plokavian.' Whatever. And have we got some great new products for you!

First up is the Plovacoid Shatter Grenades. 'Plokavian.' Whatever. These little babies are great! Easy to conceal, simple to operate, and oh so deadly. Heard that story about close only counts in trelk-shoes and hand grenades? Well we can guarantee the latter is true! Just toss one of these at your intended target and their bones will turn to powder.

Don't want to get that close? Looking to erradicate a larger group of beings? Or maybe just set off an ingenious trap at your rivals base of operations? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have got the lethal product for you! Novatron Gases, the single most wanted weapon used by terrorists, religous fanatics, and those oh so devilish TV viewers who have lost their favorite show! Banned in much of civilized space, these gases will eat you alive from the inside out. So, if hanging too good for 'em, just use Novatron Gasses, when you care to send the very best.

And finally, for those a little too squeemish for the killin' products, we have the famous Provaklian Dampening Net. 'Plokavian.' Whatever. This is the only weapon that these dreaded arms merchants carry that isn't deadly. Works great at knocking out electronics, including sensors, comms, and computer assisted armaments! Hey. we use this beauty all the time, with great results!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by!

Warning purchase of Shatter Grenades and Novatron Gasses is heavily restricted by Intergalactic Laws. Possession of these items can lead to immediate confiscation, criminal indictments, and very possibly permanent death. Please make sure you fill out all the proper paperwork when purchasing these products. For the Shatter Grenades a Class 625 license and DNA verification is required. For the Novatron gasses, a Class 32,654 license is required with DNA, neural, dental, and picture identification. Also, first born son and a major credit card required.

For those who can't quite meet these requirements, but have tons of loot, a quiet cash agreement can be reached, just call our special hot line number. But if you get caught we don't know you, and you better not know us.

Remember you can always trust your friends at Uncharted Territories! If you bought it elsewhere, you didn't buy it from us!

[akimbo]

Hey Frunium Slip - Check your PMs

[Frunium Slip]

Are you unpopular, lack charisma, or just not that successful with the opposite sex? Well, have we got the deal for you! Due to a resurgence of Peace Keeper patrols in the various quadrants that our Aggressive Merchant Tradesman frequent, we, your friends at Uncharted Territories have garnered a rather large collection of PK uniforms. Slightly used, with some minor imperfections, this clothing comes in the snappy red and black leather donned by the Peace Keeper forces that we all know and love. Impress your friends, be one of the elite, pick up trelks, and style as a real ladykiller. Just ask any female, gotta love a man in uniform. Trust us, she'll just go to pieces over those tight leather pants!

And ladies, don't forget black is such a slimming color!

So don't hesitate to call our toll free intergalactic number now! Operators are standing by!

Warning all uniforms have some defects, chemical burns, blood and assorted holes vary per garment. All items sold as is.
Hand select available at slightly higher cost. Imitating officers and military may have dire consequences.

Remember these items will go fast! Peace Keepers, in particular, are dying so we can get 'em!

[Frunium Slip]

Peace Keepers kidnapped a loved one? Just want to check out that new Gammak base? Looking to steal aboard a Command Carrier? Or just looking to accessorize that new PK uniform? Well, your friends at Uncharted Terrritories have got the product for you! Peace Keeper Ident Chips, the very latest in PK security! Guaranteed to get you through check points up to Security Three Velca. Available in Senior Officer, Officer, Non-com, and grunt models. Please call for availability.

Also, we have a limited number of Commando Swiss PK Army Knives available for immediate purchase. Great for those stealthy ops where pulse blasting just won't do! Very stylish in the usual elegant black, goes great with everything! And so versatile!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by!

Edited for frellin' typo!

[Frunium Slip]

Tired of your security being compromised by all those fake Ident Chips that are crawling out of the woodwork? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have got just the item for you! Our esteemed techs and engineers have perfected a bootleg copy of the Peace Keeper Genetic Verification Scanner! The perfect device to keep those little vermin out of your most secure locations! I just know what your thinking, this is a very good friend to help with these important security issues. And we'll sell them at cost, plus a fairly high mark up, just for you!

How does it work? Just place your hands in the device, and the machine compares the scan to previous coded templates. For those who want to just spare me the techno-babble, our experienced senior techs will gladly install it for you!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now!

Caution Uncharted Territories will warranty the genetic Verification Scanner for a period of not more than two moens, which allows us to check blue prints, verify valuables, and plan a visit. Uncharted Territories will need access to the coded template program for as long as the scanner is installed, or until you possess nothing of real value.

Thank you so much for your continued patronage from your friends at Uncharted Territories.

Edited for still more of those frellin' typos!

[Frunium Slip]

Love your new Peace Keeper uniform? Need a sporty ride to go with the duds? Or perhaps, just looking to show off for the neighbors? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have just the vehicle for you! The PK Prowler, sporty, maneuverable, and armed with pulse cannons, for when you just have to say hello in your own special way! And you have a choice of colors, basic black or the ever popular black!

Don't worry about maintenance, these vehicles are equipped with the latest in black box technology! If you have a faulty component in the froonium drive, or instabilities in the stabilizers, the special onboard computer diagnostic program will find the fault, and alert you to bring this baby into us. Our esteemed techs can locate the offending component for just a small almost insignificant fee.

Call our toll free intergalactic number now for availability! Or stop by our dealership on Frunium Way!

Caution avoid entering wormholes as pilots are reported to turn into goo. Avoid any white deathpods, as they may lead to maneuverability problems during vehicle flight. Space Hazard Warranty is voided if travelling in asteroid belts. Canopy not covered by warranty if struck by low flying craft piloted by neural clones. Ejection seat may cause problems during freefall.

Tags, title, processing fee, Space Hazard Warranty, and Chakan Oil not included in sticker price. Heavy weapons package available at substantial cost.

The Peace Keeper Prowler the ultimate flying machine!

Edited for syabilizer, what the frell is a syabilizer?

[Frunium Slip]

Not young enough for that sporty Prowler? Need more room for the family? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the space craft for you! The ultimate Sport Utility Vehicle, the ever popular PK Marauder! Yes, that workhorse of the Peace Keeper fleet can be yours for just a small nominal fee! Plenty of head and leg room, cargo space, and can be fitted with the latest modifications of onboard sensors this side of Nebari Space! The perfect vehicle for that 'yuppie' in you!

And these beauties also have the same black box technology as the PK Prowlers! So maintenance is just as easy! Just bring it into to our esteemed techs and for an almost insignificant fee, well have you fixed up in no time!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now!

Warning avoid Leviathan Hybrid Gunships at all costs. Scanners do not work well in asteroid belts, space nebulae, or galactic insect clouds. Flying inside Budongs not reccommended for inexperienced pilots. All stunts seen on your vid are on closed flight courses with professional drivers. Do not try these stunts at home.

Tags, title, Space Hazard Warranty, and SUV off flight package not included in sticker price. See dealer at Uncharted Territories for other options available.

From your friends at Uncharted Territories and have a nice day!

Edited to correct just how many e's are in dealer?

[Selena]

Frunium Slip you are amazing :lol I'm assuming you have a very successful job in advertising!:lol

Looks like you got as much fun out of this thread as I did out of the limericks.:lol

[Frunium Slip]

Advertising? You mean like a Telecomms Marketer? Frell no! I am an accomplished burglar and distraction causer! Just trying to get through this crazy tough world by my wits and the skin of me mivonks!



And now for your benefit and our profit we take you back to your regularly scheduled program already in progress:

Can't break that insane Banek slave? That strange Erpling putting up a neural block? Or just damn don't you hate it when the batteries go dead? Well, your friends at Uncharted Territories have the Aurora Chair upgrade for you! That's right, a Partanium Isotope Power Module designed to boost the energy of the chair by a factor of ten! With this great feature, you can segment the mind as many layers as it takes! It will make sure your subject has got their mind right! Map the neural patterns in record time! Not satisfied with these mundane results, well just switch straight to liquidfy mode and turn that brain into mush! we guarantee your chair has never produced results like this!

Call our toll free intergalactic number now, operators are standing by!

Warning liquidfy mode may damage some neural functions in test subjects. Where protective shielding when using Partanium Isotope Power Module. Ensure Power Module is installed to specifications, or some radioactive leakage may occur. In event of radioactive leakage, it is strongly suggested to immediately vacate the quadrant. Uncharted Territories not responsible for neural seepage stains on chair, or radioactive clean up. PK Barbie techs and batteries not included.

And remember if you need outlawed mods contact your friends at Uncharted Territories! If you bought it elsewhere, you didn't get it from us!

Edited to correct first quote!

[Selena]

:rofl:

[Frunium Slip]

Looking for that almost perfect desk job? Are you great with manipulating facts and figures? Have you always wanted to expand past your mathematical background into real fantasy? Well, have your friends at Uncharted Territories have the perfect job for you! Due to ongoing problems with the Galactic Revenue Earnings and Enforcement Department, we currently have openings in our recently restructured accounting department. We have had to eliminate some staff with extreme prejudice, creating wonderful oppertunities for the right candidate. Promotions given daily as new positions are opening up all the time! And don't worry about GREED, we'll keep using our age old tatics of cooperation, teamwork, distraction... we give them a few hints, and we get the hell out of Dodge! It's been working for us for years!

Call our special toll free intergalactic hot line now!

Salary commiserate with experience, loyalty, and keeping yer flapper shut. Creative accounting rewarded with bonuses, some monetary, some just an extreme surprise! And don't worry our Aggressive Merchant Tradesmen will ensure your company loyalty for the rest of your all too pitiful life!

All employees eligible for 841 retirement plan, for every credit the employee contributes, we appropriate eight! In the event of an untimely fatal accident all contributions are yielded back into the Uncharted Territories General Fund, to be used at the board members discretion.

So apply today, beings are just dying for working here!

From your friends at Uncharted Territories, see you, same bat time, same bat channel!

[mycattoldme]

These are just too good to resist....

http://www.cathairstudios.com/fs_rerun/techuse1_sm.jpg

If you want to see a larger copy - 5.5 wide by 8.5 high - or download one for handing out Download flyer (http://www.cathairstudios.com/fs_rerun/techuse1.jpg)

---------------
NOW WITH ITALICS!!! :P

[Frunium Slip]

Originally posted by mycattoldme
These are just too good to resist....
If you want to see a larger copy - 5.5 wide by 8.5 high - or download one for handing out

Could I get one with the italics put in it? May be an Aeryn Sun pic? Am I asking too much?

Mycattoldme, how illegal is this dren? Can I get me more? I don't care what it costs... But I love this, and you, you won't buy me more... I want an Aeryn sun pic... and a Crichton pic... and a D'Argo pic... and italics... Mycattoldme pleeeeeassse! :angelgrin

PS pretty please with sugar on top?

[mycattoldme]

Yikes, got carried away playing with the design and forgot all about the italics! No problem I'll put them back in and do a couple more with all your favorite characters! :P

[akimbo]

To follow-up on mycattoldme's wonderful flyer, we'd like to include these ads in the second volume of the cookbook. Thought they'd be really cool interspersed with the recipes. So here's the deal.

We took one of Frunium Slip's ads and tried it in a few different ad formats as an example. If I can get the file attached here, you can visualize along with us what we're going for.

If you'd like to give it a try (and we hope you do, it'd be soooo cool): reorient your ad to short quick "print ad" sentences - phone numbers - company names - whatever makes sense and send them to me at kimr1013@aol.com

Then we'll try to format them into an ad for inclusion in the book - maybe adding a bit of clipart to punch it up. You can try to give yourself credit in the ad - but rest assured we'll list a cross reference of your name to the ad in the book's index.

What do you say? This has been a great thread - lets get you in print! :aok:

Thanks!

http://ohioscapers.com/images/techad.bmp

[mycattoldme]

LOVE THEM!!!

[akimbo]

Wait until you see the ones that Frunium Slip has already submitted - they're very cool! :P

Join in the fun. :)

[mycattoldme]

I can't wait!!

I'm posting any new flyers over in the Graphic Forum - posted a new one today:

http://www.watchfarscape.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=137551#post137551

[Frunium Slip]

Down at the bottom of the page, what the frell?

Looking for that oh so attractive gift for your significant other? Want it to be practical too? Better yet can it be made into a weapon? Well, you've come to the right place! Your friends at Uncharted Territories have that perfect little something for your perfect little someone! Fresh from Peace Keeper Disruptor armories the Princess Wanna Be Necklace! A gorgeous, yet cheap rendition of an exotic royal artifact, this necklace just oozes class and ambience! Great for those late night dinner parties and gala events! Don't worry about unwanted gate crashers catching you unarmed, it has a very effective short range pulse blast capability! Beautiful, sensible and a weapon, how could you possilbly ask for more? Frell, give her this and you just might get lucky.

And as if that wasn't enough, we also have the ever popular stilletto in the wrist surprise, for those times when you just have to get your point across! These beautiful knives can be surgically placed into your arm, for the ultimate trick up your sleeve!

All surgical procedures are performed at our Ice Planet Medical Facility, just contact Grunchlk at our toll free intergalactic number. Operators are always standing by!

And everyone repeat after me:

None of our medical procedures are guaranteed, as we're just practicing medicine until we get it right!

The ever popular fine print:

The proceeding message was a two for one tag team combination from Ex PK Comm Tech and The Frunium Slip Enterprises Company, Inc. In the event of an actual emergency, you wouldn't be listening to this announcement, as I would allready be well on my way to saving my own eema!

[herdthinner]

Once available only to Erp government officials such as IRS auditors, the CIA, and perpetually angry DMV clerks, now you, the unwashed masses, can obtain your very own strannat to suss out the prevaricators surrounding you!

Why are you surrounded by liars? We don't care! We only care to help you unearth the traitors to your business/dimension/kingdom/delusional fantasies and give them what's coming to them: a big ol' stab in the forehead! You read right; the strannat is not only the best lie-detector in the Uncharted or any territories, it carries out your punishment, too! Just cross their heart, smack 'em dead, and stick the lobster on their head! Show 'em who's their daddy! Who's their daddy?? Tell 'em who their daddy is!!

That's not all! When the strannat gets old and misses a few fibs, you can (literally!) have it over for dinner! We recommend a nice buttery sauce and bibs, also available from us at an extra charge.


(Not recommended for parents simply trying to instill morals about lying in their children, but then, who are we to discourage a sale?

Also not recommended to test strannat on oneself. Use a friend or a clone.)

[FireDancer]

Well since Commander Chricthons short visit to Earth with all his alien buddies our work has changed, hasn't it? Now some people say understanding what foreigner's say is not a good thing, but thats another issue. Today your humble correspondant is reporting on a new restaurant fad that's sweeping the nations.

KEDVA JACKS OLD FASHION BARBEQUE

Yes just last year Jack Lindsholm was a struggling Texan who's brands of ribs and streak just could not keep up with his competitors. Desperate, he dumped his life savings to get some Kedva smuggled out, and the rest is history. Now with 200 locations, Lindsholm is expanding from slow-grilled Kedva to groulac, and various other odds and ends.

It hasn't all been fun and games though. Kedva Jacks put sweet-and-sour dentic on the menu as an appetizer, and subsuquent retching caused a 2-point stock dip. 'It was a learning experience, to say the least.'

What is in the future for our entreprenuer? Will more of the wonderous new dishes brought for these 'Uncharted Territories' make their way onto your plate.

'Don't count it our,'says Lindholm,'People liek trying new things, and I hear Scarran is very tasty.'

Galaxy beware.

[Alexxia]

Err...okay, I just discovered this thread today, so I'm not sure if you're still taking submissions, but I've got a few ideas (I hope they haven't all been used already, I haven't read through this whole thread yet).

*Oh, and I know that this is supposed to be for technology, whatever, but I just thought I'd put this in because it popped into my head. Nothing to do with tech.*

In the last issue of our network publication, we ran this ad...
Found: Three-stone diamond engagement ring, gold band. If unclaimed for more than three months, the finder reserves the right to sell.
...however, due to overwhelming reader response, this publication retracts the ad, as it has been brought to our attention that the owner of the ring is temporarily 'neutralized,' but will, quote, "Be returning for a fifth season." This publication is not sure exactly what that means, but as the readers' responses were all practically identical, we have no choice but to accept this declaration as fact, and we look forward to the return of...Mr. and Mrs. Crichton.

*Um, okay, this isn't technology, either. but it can be sold.*

Are you a woman trying to make it in a man's world? Do you long to be in control? Do you just want to be the woman that all the men want? Then get implants! No, not those kinds...these implants won't weigh you down, they aren't conspicuous to the naked eye, and they work best when they leak! Yes, we're talking about getting your very own Heppel gland implants. The special Hepel oil that is secreted will drive any male insane over you.
Sound like something you want, but you're too nervous to get implants? No problem! Just order our special, Peacekeeper formula, Grayza Boobie Juice! It has the same effect as if it were your own.

[Selena]

Alexxia - very clever - :rofl:

[Frunium Slip]

Want to avoid all those Peace Keeper patrols? Would you just love to know what's going on at that Gammak base? Ever wonder where we, your friends at Uncharted Territories, get all those wonderful PK products? Well, have we got the perfect new item for you! Thanks to our inside man in the PK Special Research Branch, we have acquired a bulk shipment of the experimental intelli-bug mental scanning and control system. According to our mole, these babies have the capability of reading and adjusting the recepients neural patterns. Just think of the endless possibilities! No more wondering where little Jahirm went to, or where that trelk of a significant other is really at! And all this can be yours for an almost insignificant fee...

Hey, wait a microt, who the yotz are you?

Officers from the Galactic Revenue Earnings and Enforcement Division? You mean GREED?

Wait, it's all a complete misunderstanding...

The check is in the mail...

It's not my fault...

No!... please...

Call my prime littargarian!

Call Grunchlk to take my place!

Call the president!



This station is experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by.

[akimbo]

Alexxia:
We're taking submissions until May 15th - though Frunium Slip and the rest of the thread is *a lot* of ads.

We may need to compress your ideas into something that will fit in an ad. May we try to do this, or would you like to?

Akimbo

[Alexxia]

Originally posted by akimbo
We may need to compress your ideas into something that will fit in an ad. May we try to do this, or would you like to?

Are you asking me or Frunium Slip? Or just anyone who submitted something? If you're asking me whether I want to compress or whether someone else can, it really doesn't matter to me.

[Frunium Slip]

What look over there? What's this then? Oh, read it aloud? Yeah, right... splendid.

So you forgot the combination to that locked safe, significant other locked you, eh, out of the adobe? Can't get past that security combination? Well, have we, your friends at Uncharted Territories, got the deal for you. Thanks to our industrious spy, not to mention our AMTs, we now have original Terak Deployers. Guaranteed to get you through whatever locked passageway you want. Works splendidly. Eh, just blast the offending blockage and before you can say frell me dead presto instant opening. Want one, fine, I load her up, and send it up to ya.

Call our toll free, eh, intergalactic number now, operators are standing by!

Get yours now, before the price goes up.

What? Is that it then? Right... splendid. -G